Help with family happiness
Janette
I posted the following last week and wonder if it got lost in another thread? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Sandra wrote: Seeing a child where he is, and as he is, leads to love.
Thank you for this.
I moved into unschooling without realizing my partner wasn't as ready
for it as I was. Because I did a ton of research and he listened when
I shared with him, and because he's always been, and still is, 100%
behind keeping Tomás out of school (his own school years were
horrible), I thought we were in this together. But I was wrong. I
apologized for my error and asked how he'd like to proceed, how I
could make things better but he had no answer, seems resigned, and now
things like pooping in diapers and not yet reading are evidence to him
that this kind of learning doesn't work. I tried to soothe his
discomfort by having Tomás do a few schoolish worksheets (Tomás would
have nothing to do with them, and ran crying from the room when I
asked him if he wanted to try writing his name). I shared with him
the various things Tomás did in a day, let him know when he learned
something or was excited about something new. I said if he was really
worried and against this we could send him to school; he said he'd be
too far behind.
What Sandra wrote has been in my head for a few days now. When Stan
looks at his son, I see how much he loves and adores him, and how good
they are together. But when his worry sets in, when he feeling as
though our son is behind (compared to schooled kids, and Tomás'
schooled cousin, in particular), he is then seeing Tomás wrong and
lacking. Not seeing his actual, lovely child at that moment, but
everything he is not. Similar to how I felt about the diapers,
before I let it go.
Our marriage is strong. I do not take that for granted, though. I
see my husband, where he is, and love him there. I want peace of mind
and confidence in learning for all of us. I don't know how to get
there from where we are now. How do I make this possible?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra wrote: Seeing a child where he is, and as he is, leads to love.
Thank you for this.
I moved into unschooling without realizing my partner wasn't as ready
for it as I was. Because I did a ton of research and he listened when
I shared with him, and because he's always been, and still is, 100%
behind keeping Tomás out of school (his own school years were
horrible), I thought we were in this together. But I was wrong. I
apologized for my error and asked how he'd like to proceed, how I
could make things better but he had no answer, seems resigned, and now
things like pooping in diapers and not yet reading are evidence to him
that this kind of learning doesn't work. I tried to soothe his
discomfort by having Tomás do a few schoolish worksheets (Tomás would
have nothing to do with them, and ran crying from the room when I
asked him if he wanted to try writing his name). I shared with him
the various things Tomás did in a day, let him know when he learned
something or was excited about something new. I said if he was really
worried and against this we could send him to school; he said he'd be
too far behind.
What Sandra wrote has been in my head for a few days now. When Stan
looks at his son, I see how much he loves and adores him, and how good
they are together. But when his worry sets in, when he feeling as
though our son is behind (compared to schooled kids, and Tomás'
schooled cousin, in particular), he is then seeing Tomás wrong and
lacking. Not seeing his actual, lovely child at that moment, but
everything he is not. Similar to how I felt about the diapers,
before I let it go.
Our marriage is strong. I do not take that for granted, though. I
see my husband, where he is, and love him there. I want peace of mind
and confidence in learning for all of us. I don't know how to get
there from where we are now. How do I make this possible?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- he's always been, and still is, 100%
behind keeping Tomás out of school (his own school years were
horrible), I thought we were in this together. But I was wrong.-=-
How old is your son?
If you don't have Pam Laricchia's book that would help.
If you haven't gone through her e-mail intro, that would help. If you and your partner do that together, that would help. Finding other unschooling families to meet might help.
_+_ he's always been, and still is, 100%
behind keeping Tomás out of school (his own school years were
horrible), I thought we were in this together. But I was wrong.-=-
When you (the mom) read inspiring things, that's to inspire you.
It's not to give you tools to use against the other partner.
Sometimes a dad is "behind" and it might take a year or two, but sometimes then that same dad Really gets it, and leaps ahead. The danger is if the relationship is shakey, or if the mom uses unschooling as a wedge between people. Don't team up with your child against his dad. It sounds simpler than it might be, but school and two parents is better than attempted unschooling, separation/divorce, step parents, judges and social workers, no unschooling ever.
If it seems hiring an outside voice would help, here's an assortment of possibilities:
http://sandradodd.com/issues/therapy
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
behind keeping Tomás out of school (his own school years were
horrible), I thought we were in this together. But I was wrong.-=-
How old is your son?
If you don't have Pam Laricchia's book that would help.
If you haven't gone through her e-mail intro, that would help. If you and your partner do that together, that would help. Finding other unschooling families to meet might help.
_+_ he's always been, and still is, 100%
behind keeping Tomás out of school (his own school years were
horrible), I thought we were in this together. But I was wrong.-=-
When you (the mom) read inspiring things, that's to inspire you.
It's not to give you tools to use against the other partner.
Sometimes a dad is "behind" and it might take a year or two, but sometimes then that same dad Really gets it, and leaps ahead. The danger is if the relationship is shakey, or if the mom uses unschooling as a wedge between people. Don't team up with your child against his dad. It sounds simpler than it might be, but school and two parents is better than attempted unschooling, separation/divorce, step parents, judges and social workers, no unschooling ever.
If it seems hiring an outside voice would help, here's an assortment of possibilities:
http://sandradodd.com/issues/therapy
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 11, 2013, at 8:07 PM, Janette wrote:
His worry has built up over time so it may take some time to ease. Keep drawing him in.
There was a recent thread on Facebook about a mom worrying about a 10 yo. There might be something reassuring in the responses. Or it might make him worry more that he doesn't get to stop worrying! So better to read it first.
http://www.facebook.com/groups/303347574750/permalink/10151314099509751/
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I shared with himMaybe make blog and put up pictures and write a bit. Seeing all the stuff that he's learning collected in a big chunk might be more helpful than a few things here and there.
> the various things Tomás did in a day, let him know when he learned
> something or was excited about something new.
His worry has built up over time so it may take some time to ease. Keep drawing him in.
There was a recent thread on Facebook about a mom worrying about a 10 yo. There might be something reassuring in the responses. Or it might make him worry more that he doesn't get to stop worrying! So better to read it first.
http://www.facebook.com/groups/303347574750/permalink/10151314099509751/
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Janette
Sandra wrote: How old is your son?
He is 8. And a quirky little guy. He was diagnosed with apraxia of
speech when he was 2+ and, reluctantly, we worked with a speech
therapist for a few months as prescribed by our Regional Center (we
are in the US, in California). The therapist was sweet, enjoyed
Tomás' sense of humor, and wasn't terribly worried about his speech so
we didn't pursue further intervention once our county-sponsored
sessions ended. From what I observed, the therapy was not helping his
speech, and he didn't like going. It can still be difficult to
understand him at times, which frustrates him a bit, and his syntax is
often odd with certain phrases ("What he said?" for example), although
I hardly notice it any more as I'm used to how he talks.
He's a sweet, compassionate kid. Very cuddly, very determined. He
worries about death, has come up with his own version of an afterlife
reincarnation, and often needs me to affirm the statement, "We will
never die." (I view this like believing in Santa, that he seems to
really need this belief right now...not sure if my thinking on this is
OK or helpful in the long run, but he was terribly disturbed by the
idea that someday we would die. Thoughts?) He can be quick to melt
down if things aren't working out the way he wants, loves Minecraft
and the YouTube tutorials, and mostly wants to be at home this last
year or so. Last year we had annual passes to Disneyland, and often
he would go on a ride or two and be ready to go home (Crazy, right? A
good example of how unlimited access does not make one want more of
something.) We work to meet his needs, canceling or or postponing
outings depending on his mood. Usually it is Stan who makes the call
to stay in when our son really wants to be at home. Sometimes he is
completely sympathetic about it, other times resentful. I tend to try
to smooth things over, and am not sure if that is helpful or wanted.
I have Pam's book and her emails. I have not shared either as Stan
asked me to not send him anything (I used to email bits and pieces to
him that I thought he was find interesting). I will see if he'd be
open to going through the emails together.
An outside voice seems like a good idea. Thank you for the link.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He is 8. And a quirky little guy. He was diagnosed with apraxia of
speech when he was 2+ and, reluctantly, we worked with a speech
therapist for a few months as prescribed by our Regional Center (we
are in the US, in California). The therapist was sweet, enjoyed
Tomás' sense of humor, and wasn't terribly worried about his speech so
we didn't pursue further intervention once our county-sponsored
sessions ended. From what I observed, the therapy was not helping his
speech, and he didn't like going. It can still be difficult to
understand him at times, which frustrates him a bit, and his syntax is
often odd with certain phrases ("What he said?" for example), although
I hardly notice it any more as I'm used to how he talks.
He's a sweet, compassionate kid. Very cuddly, very determined. He
worries about death, has come up with his own version of an afterlife
reincarnation, and often needs me to affirm the statement, "We will
never die." (I view this like believing in Santa, that he seems to
really need this belief right now...not sure if my thinking on this is
OK or helpful in the long run, but he was terribly disturbed by the
idea that someday we would die. Thoughts?) He can be quick to melt
down if things aren't working out the way he wants, loves Minecraft
and the YouTube tutorials, and mostly wants to be at home this last
year or so. Last year we had annual passes to Disneyland, and often
he would go on a ride or two and be ready to go home (Crazy, right? A
good example of how unlimited access does not make one want more of
something.) We work to meet his needs, canceling or or postponing
outings depending on his mood. Usually it is Stan who makes the call
to stay in when our son really wants to be at home. Sometimes he is
completely sympathetic about it, other times resentful. I tend to try
to smooth things over, and am not sure if that is helpful or wanted.
I have Pam's book and her emails. I have not shared either as Stan
asked me to not send him anything (I used to email bits and pieces to
him that I thought he was find interesting). I will see if he'd be
open to going through the emails together.
An outside voice seems like a good idea. Thank you for the link.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"Janette" wrote:
So it would help to look at what sorts of things help your husband feel good in a general sense, rather than "feel good about his son" specifically. What sets him up to feel cared for, supported, appreciated? What can you do to "fill his cup" so he's more likely to look at his home and family through a positive lens?
---Meredith
>When StanIt's entirely possible he'd feel essentially the same way if your son was in school or if you were homeschooling rather than unschooling - that it's not so much about unschooling as it is a dad wanting his kid to be okay, and not seeing the signs he thinks goes along with "my kid is okay". And to an extent, that may not be about his kid at all, but about himself - he's not so much worried about his son as worrying, and his son makes a good focus for that worry. I do that sometimes - if I'm out of sorts I'm likely to look at my life and my family through that uncomfortable lens and "see" my feelings projected onto the details of my life. (Something similar happens with the internet if I'm in a crummy mood - if everyone online seems really bitchy, I'm probably the one in a bitchy mood!).
> looks at his son, I see how much he loves and adores him, and how good
> they are together. But when his worry sets in, when he feeling as
> though our son is behind (compared to schooled kids, and Tomás'
> schooled cousin, in particular), he is then seeing Tomás wrong and
> lacking.
So it would help to look at what sorts of things help your husband feel good in a general sense, rather than "feel good about his son" specifically. What sets him up to feel cared for, supported, appreciated? What can you do to "fill his cup" so he's more likely to look at his home and family through a positive lens?
---Meredith
Janette
Meredith wrote: It's entirely possible he'd feel essentially the same
way if your son was in school or if you were homeschooling rather than
unschooling... he's not so much worried about his son as worrying
Oh, wow, this seems spot on, Meredith. Thank you for the observation.
I know that when my husband was growing up, the message he received
from his family was that "different" was to be avoided; fitting in was
the goal. And while that seemed to be a common mindset of the era (he
was born in 1956), he had the added distinction of being one of the
few minority families, and the only one of his descent, Japanese, in a
very Caucasian town. He also had a brother who was severely impaired
developmentally. The goal to fit in was never quite attainable, and in
some ways he seems to still be striving for it.
So on top of having a not-yet-reading, poops-in-diapers, odd-syntax-
using son, this man who seems to want normality is being asked to
follow a very unfamiliar path to learning and living..... poor guy!
I can see how this would push his status quo buttons. Heck, it still
does that to me sometimes, and I tend to like "different."
Meredith wrote: So it would help to look at what sorts of things help
your husband feel good in a general sense, rather than "feel good
about his son" specifically. What sets him up to feel cared for,
supported, appreciated? What can you do to "fill his cup" so he's more
likely to look at his home and family through a positive lens?
Yes yes yes. This will be the focus. Thank you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
way if your son was in school or if you were homeschooling rather than
unschooling... he's not so much worried about his son as worrying
Oh, wow, this seems spot on, Meredith. Thank you for the observation.
I know that when my husband was growing up, the message he received
from his family was that "different" was to be avoided; fitting in was
the goal. And while that seemed to be a common mindset of the era (he
was born in 1956), he had the added distinction of being one of the
few minority families, and the only one of his descent, Japanese, in a
very Caucasian town. He also had a brother who was severely impaired
developmentally. The goal to fit in was never quite attainable, and in
some ways he seems to still be striving for it.
So on top of having a not-yet-reading, poops-in-diapers, odd-syntax-
using son, this man who seems to want normality is being asked to
follow a very unfamiliar path to learning and living..... poor guy!
I can see how this would push his status quo buttons. Heck, it still
does that to me sometimes, and I tend to like "different."
Meredith wrote: So it would help to look at what sorts of things help
your husband feel good in a general sense, rather than "feel good
about his son" specifically. What sets him up to feel cared for,
supported, appreciated? What can you do to "fill his cup" so he's more
likely to look at his home and family through a positive lens?
Yes yes yes. This will be the focus. Thank you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]