Helping son navigate social/gaming situations
Tam
I'm hoping for some insight on how to help my son, Finn (6, 7 in a fortnight) navigate socially/while gaming.
As a bit of background, the dynamics of his main group of local friends has changed somewhat over the past year, from having one friend in particular with whom he was closest, to a few more people starting to hang around with the group and that friend playing more with them. The friend's mum only likes meeting up in groups as she feels people get left out otherwise, so there's no other opportunity for Finn to really meet up one to one. Finn does have a couple of other more casual friendships and social gatherings that he enjoys, but mostly at the moment he prefers to be at home. His brother, Jay (4) likes to go out/see friends at least a couple of times a week, so we find ways of doing both. One thing I suggested recently was hosting Lego Days and Minecraft LAN days at our house, which they were both really keen to do.
Today was the first minecraft LAN day. One of Finn's friends started building, and Finn jumped straight in to help, which was not ok with his friend. I suggested making his own house or mine and letting his friend know he would like to help at some point if he wanted him to. He didn't want to do this, so I suggested maybe moving onto the other LAN world and seeing if there was something that looked fun on there, but he just insisted on interfering with his friend's building, so I brought him away from the computer. He was upset but when he calmed down I suggested we go back on and build something cool ourselves with me on the same LAN world, which he agreed to but within a couple of minutes was back annoying his friend again. I tried diverting him to other things on the server, and even another game, but he wouldn't.
He also has his own online server and sometimes a similar thing happens with one of his online friends. He's so keen to play right in there with them but doesn't yet have the skills to navigate it if they want some space, and even though I'm right there with him it doesn't seem to be helping at all. I feel like he's after a closer connection with friends and I'm not managing to help him get that. He gets sad when these situations happen, but then out of that situation he's perfectly happy again and it doesn't seem to be bothering him on a more general level (ie he's usually really happy doing his own thing, it's only once in the situation with these friends online that he's getting upset).
Both he and the friend from today want to do the LAN day again, and we talked about maybe next time having some stuff built in advance so that it wasn't one person's and so that there was maybe a bigger focus; I want to partner him in what he wants to do but I'm not sure if doing it again is setting him up to fail.
I can't seem to get any clarity of thought myself on this, either what I could have done differently to help him or what I could do in the future or in general.
Thanks for reading,
Tam
As a bit of background, the dynamics of his main group of local friends has changed somewhat over the past year, from having one friend in particular with whom he was closest, to a few more people starting to hang around with the group and that friend playing more with them. The friend's mum only likes meeting up in groups as she feels people get left out otherwise, so there's no other opportunity for Finn to really meet up one to one. Finn does have a couple of other more casual friendships and social gatherings that he enjoys, but mostly at the moment he prefers to be at home. His brother, Jay (4) likes to go out/see friends at least a couple of times a week, so we find ways of doing both. One thing I suggested recently was hosting Lego Days and Minecraft LAN days at our house, which they were both really keen to do.
Today was the first minecraft LAN day. One of Finn's friends started building, and Finn jumped straight in to help, which was not ok with his friend. I suggested making his own house or mine and letting his friend know he would like to help at some point if he wanted him to. He didn't want to do this, so I suggested maybe moving onto the other LAN world and seeing if there was something that looked fun on there, but he just insisted on interfering with his friend's building, so I brought him away from the computer. He was upset but when he calmed down I suggested we go back on and build something cool ourselves with me on the same LAN world, which he agreed to but within a couple of minutes was back annoying his friend again. I tried diverting him to other things on the server, and even another game, but he wouldn't.
He also has his own online server and sometimes a similar thing happens with one of his online friends. He's so keen to play right in there with them but doesn't yet have the skills to navigate it if they want some space, and even though I'm right there with him it doesn't seem to be helping at all. I feel like he's after a closer connection with friends and I'm not managing to help him get that. He gets sad when these situations happen, but then out of that situation he's perfectly happy again and it doesn't seem to be bothering him on a more general level (ie he's usually really happy doing his own thing, it's only once in the situation with these friends online that he's getting upset).
Both he and the friend from today want to do the LAN day again, and we talked about maybe next time having some stuff built in advance so that it wasn't one person's and so that there was maybe a bigger focus; I want to partner him in what he wants to do but I'm not sure if doing it again is setting him up to fail.
I can't seem to get any clarity of thought myself on this, either what I could have done differently to help him or what I could do in the future or in general.
Thanks for reading,
Tam
Meredith
"Tam" wrote:
Maybe step back from seeing it as failing and see it as learning, instead - not all learning is smooth, and a great deal of learning comes from making mistakes. You have a plan to try things a different way - that's great! Learning often happens through experimentation.
Since this friend wants to come back and play again it may be something they'll work out together over time, with trial and error. That's not to say you should stop helping him! But see that one part of how you're helping is by helping him think and plan based on past results.
---Meredith
>> Both he and the friend from today want to do the LAN day again, and we talked about maybe next time having some stuff built in advance so that it wasn't one person's and so that there was maybe a bigger focus; I want to partner him in what he wants to do but I'm not sure if doing it again is setting him up to fail.**************
Maybe step back from seeing it as failing and see it as learning, instead - not all learning is smooth, and a great deal of learning comes from making mistakes. You have a plan to try things a different way - that's great! Learning often happens through experimentation.
Since this friend wants to come back and play again it may be something they'll work out together over time, with trial and error. That's not to say you should stop helping him! But see that one part of how you're helping is by helping him think and plan based on past results.
---Meredith
Tam
Meredith wrote:
--- But see that one part of how you're helping is by helping him think and plan based on past results. ---
Thanks, yes this is how I'd been seeing it, it was just that between each time it happens (on his server, then yesterday), he doesn't seem able to do anything differently. He was so very upset yesterday that I wondered whether if he is developmentally not yet able to navigate certain situations, even with help, to the point of being upset, and yet is still wanting to go into that situation, if there is ever a point at which helping him to go into that situation again and again is not actually helping him. Which is where I was getting tangled up :)
What you say makes sense though, we'll have a plan for changes for next time, and I'll still be there to help in the moment.
Thanks,
Tam
--- But see that one part of how you're helping is by helping him think and plan based on past results. ---
Thanks, yes this is how I'd been seeing it, it was just that between each time it happens (on his server, then yesterday), he doesn't seem able to do anything differently. He was so very upset yesterday that I wondered whether if he is developmentally not yet able to navigate certain situations, even with help, to the point of being upset, and yet is still wanting to go into that situation, if there is ever a point at which helping him to go into that situation again and again is not actually helping him. Which is where I was getting tangled up :)
What you say makes sense though, we'll have a plan for changes for next time, and I'll still be there to help in the moment.
Thanks,
Tam
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-I wondered whether if he is developmentally not yet able to navigate certain situations, even with help, to the point of being upset, and yet is still wanting to go into that situation, if there is ever a point at which helping him to go into that situation again and again is not actually helping him.-=-
Maybe you could have a code word, or condition. I've done this a couple of times when my kids were little. Kirby was very actively pushy, and sometimes I would call him away to ask him a question or get him to help me get food for kids or something, so the other kids could regain their focus and equilibrium. You don't always need to talk about it.
But sometimes I would say in advance that I was afraid our guest wasn't used to having other people be so verbal or pushy and that I wanted him to feel comfortable at our house, so if it seemed things were getting tense, if I called one of my kids into the kitchen, that might be why. And putting it in terms of being aware that if the guest wasn't having fun he might not come back, my kids were willing to "be managed" in that way, for me to monitor the situation and subtly indicate when my kids (probably Kirby) might want to step back and be quieter for a moment.
Correcting him in the moment isn't as valuable as coaching him in advance, with the reasoning behind why you want him to try to adjust his behavior. Not just because "it's nice" or "It's courteous," though when he's older that might be enough, but for real reasons that will affect him. He wants this kid to come back, or he might want to be invited to the other home.
Sandra
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe you could have a code word, or condition. I've done this a couple of times when my kids were little. Kirby was very actively pushy, and sometimes I would call him away to ask him a question or get him to help me get food for kids or something, so the other kids could regain their focus and equilibrium. You don't always need to talk about it.
But sometimes I would say in advance that I was afraid our guest wasn't used to having other people be so verbal or pushy and that I wanted him to feel comfortable at our house, so if it seemed things were getting tense, if I called one of my kids into the kitchen, that might be why. And putting it in terms of being aware that if the guest wasn't having fun he might not come back, my kids were willing to "be managed" in that way, for me to monitor the situation and subtly indicate when my kids (probably Kirby) might want to step back and be quieter for a moment.
Correcting him in the moment isn't as valuable as coaching him in advance, with the reasoning behind why you want him to try to adjust his behavior. Not just because "it's nice" or "It's courteous," though when he's older that might be enough, but for real reasons that will affect him. He wants this kid to come back, or he might want to be invited to the other home.
Sandra
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
A friend that red this list wanted to ask a question and here it is:
My 6 year old boy is not interested in having or making friends.
He does not really like playing with other kids.
"Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having friends?"
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My 6 year old boy is not interested in having or making friends.
He does not really like playing with other kids.
"Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having friends?"
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-My 6 year old boy is not interested in having or making friends.
He does not really like playing with other kids.
-=-"Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having friends?"-=-
No, Please don't worry.
Interact with him yourself, maybe find other adults or older kids or teens who might want to do the things he likes to do sometimes so he has that chance to learn from other people whatever trivia or experiences they might end up sharing conversationally, but especially don't try to engineer him having same-age friends. That's not even natural. Our idea that six year old boys need other six year old boys is based on school and nothing more.
And some people aren't crazy about other people anyway. :-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He does not really like playing with other kids.
-=-"Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having friends?"-=-
No, Please don't worry.
Interact with him yourself, maybe find other adults or older kids or teens who might want to do the things he likes to do sometimes so he has that chance to learn from other people whatever trivia or experiences they might end up sharing conversationally, but especially don't try to engineer him having same-age friends. That's not even natural. Our idea that six year old boys need other six year old boys is based on school and nothing more.
And some people aren't crazy about other people anyway. :-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
> My 6 year old boy is not interested in having or making friends.No.
> He does not really like playing with other kids.
>
> "Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having friends?"
It could be a stage he's going through.
It could be he doesn't like same aged kids. They can be rather immature! ;-) If he's ever said anything like that, be open to him playing with older kids.
It could be he wants someone whose brain is in sync with his so he can always be playing the things he loves and gets annoyed by kids who play differently. But if he's just not interested, that's not likely.
My best guess from what little you've said is he might be an introvert and he'll always lean more towards immersing in his own thoughts and interests. When he needs others he'll reach out but he'll be able to do that much easier if his mom doesn't think there's something wrong with him!
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Erica jones
-=-My 6 year old boy is not interested in having or making friends. He does
not really like playing with other kids.
-=-"Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having
friends?"-=-
Absolutely not :) I'm not a huge fan of people, prefer to do most things on
my own. And I'm just fine.
Like Sandra said some people just aren't that crazy about other people.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
not really like playing with other kids.
-=-"Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having
friends?"-=-
Absolutely not :) I'm not a huge fan of people, prefer to do most things on
my own. And I'm just fine.
Like Sandra said some people just aren't that crazy about other people.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tam
On 6 Feb 2013, at 15:31, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Tam
> Maybe you could have a code word, or condition. I've done this a couple of times when my kids were little. Kirby was very actively pushy, and sometimes I would call him away to ask him a question or get him to help me get food for kids or something, so the other kids could regain their focus and equilibrium. You don't always need to talk about it.Aha, yes, I think maybe I'm talking/trying to engage him in conversation too much to try and diffuse things. I'm going to try this.
>
>I think I've been getting this balance wrong, not enough advance coaching and too much in the moment.
> But sometimes I would say in advance that I was afraid our guest wasn't used to having other people be so verbal or pushy and that I wanted him to feel comfortable at our house, so if it seemed things were getting tense, if I called one of my kids into the kitchen, that might be why. And putting it in terms of being aware that if the guest wasn't having fun he might not come back, my kids were willing to "be managed" in that way, for me to monitor the situation and subtly indicate when my kids (probably Kirby) might want to step back and be quieter for a moment.
>
> Correcting him in the moment isn't as valuable as coaching him in advance, with the reasoning behind why you want him to try to adjust his behavior.
>
> Not just because "it's nice" or "It's courteous," though when he's older that might be enough, but for real reasons that will affect him. He wants this kid to come back, or he might want to be invited to the other home.Thanks,
>
> Sandra
>
> Sandra
>
Tam
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
robin
I agree with the other poster. I'm an introvert and have always preferred to be alone or have one good friend. Since you no doubt do things with him and play games, perhaps you are his one friend for now.
It's a fine way to be, although not always understood by others. My friends don't really understand why I never want to hang out. They don't realize I get all my friend socializing needs filled by my best friend, my husband, everyday.
I'd say just be his pal and don't worry.
Robin
It's a fine way to be, although not always understood by others. My friends don't really understand why I never want to hang out. They don't realize I get all my friend socializing needs filled by my best friend, my husband, everyday.
I'd say just be his pal and don't worry.
Robin
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
>
> > My 6 year old boy is not interested in having or making friends.
> > He does not really like playing with other kids.
> >
> > "Do you think I should be concerned he isn't interested in having friends?"
>
>