Glory and blame
Sandra Dodd
Someone on facebook posted this quote from me. (I wrote to her and asked her to use my full name, on quotes, and she agreed to do so in future.)
******************
It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sigh about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are, and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light! ~ Sandra D.
***************
One of _her_ facebook friends wrote:
***************
It's like everything in life has a plus and a minus, otherwise we will be stepford wives. We get the glory and we take the blame. The key is to get more glory then blame. I had to be the Mom and the Dad to my kids. I was and still am awesome in some areas and in others it's a learning curve. My children never bring up the bad choices, they just love me for loving them when they were driving me CRAZY. We work it out and give each other space to succeed and to fail. The rest we leave up to God.
***************
I wrote:
***************
I think the key is not to be measuring how much glory YOU (the mom) get, or how much blame, but to put that thought and energy into making your children's lives glorious.
_________________________________________________
So the first response she got was someone sighing and whining about how her children drive HER crazy, but she loves them anyway, even though she "has to" be both mother and father to them.
Negativity causes divorce.
Negativity causes sorrow. Negativity IS sorrow.
And having the boogey-man "stepford wife" as a justification for NOT being generous or kind or good gives one permission to do anything she wants, and say "Well otherwise I will be a stepford wife." But in this situation, she's not a wife at all, for some reason I don't know. I think if she were widowed she would've mentioned it, maybe.
The full quote from which the partial (top of this page) came is at http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
and starts off in such a way that it applies to the kind of response it got:
I had the feeling you were trying to find ways to justify and protect your negative attitudes instead of ways to let them go. I could be entirely wrong. It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sigh about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are, and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light!
******************
It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sigh about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are, and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light! ~ Sandra D.
***************
One of _her_ facebook friends wrote:
***************
It's like everything in life has a plus and a minus, otherwise we will be stepford wives. We get the glory and we take the blame. The key is to get more glory then blame. I had to be the Mom and the Dad to my kids. I was and still am awesome in some areas and in others it's a learning curve. My children never bring up the bad choices, they just love me for loving them when they were driving me CRAZY. We work it out and give each other space to succeed and to fail. The rest we leave up to God.
***************
I wrote:
***************
I think the key is not to be measuring how much glory YOU (the mom) get, or how much blame, but to put that thought and energy into making your children's lives glorious.
_________________________________________________
So the first response she got was someone sighing and whining about how her children drive HER crazy, but she loves them anyway, even though she "has to" be both mother and father to them.
Negativity causes divorce.
Negativity causes sorrow. Negativity IS sorrow.
And having the boogey-man "stepford wife" as a justification for NOT being generous or kind or good gives one permission to do anything she wants, and say "Well otherwise I will be a stepford wife." But in this situation, she's not a wife at all, for some reason I don't know. I think if she were widowed she would've mentioned it, maybe.
The full quote from which the partial (top of this page) came is at http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
and starts off in such a way that it applies to the kind of response it got:
I had the feeling you were trying to find ways to justify and protect your negative attitudes instead of ways to let them go. I could be entirely wrong. It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sigh about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are, and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light!
Virginia Warren
I struggle with what to do when these situations come up face-to-face. I
tend to remain silent, or make neutral conversational noises, but sometimes
people will press you when you don't agree with them.
What do you do when a your friend's kid comes to your house and tells you
her mom is �mad all the time�?
Virginia
**
Someone on facebook posted this quote from me. (I wrote to her and asked
her to use my full name, on quotes, and she agreed to do so in future.)
******************
It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sigh about
*how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are, and then
for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and how
entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light! ~ Sandra D.
***************
One of _her_ facebook friends wrote:
***************
It's like everything in life has a plus and a minus, otherwise we will be
stepford wives. We get the glory and we take the blame. The key is to get
more glory then blame. I had to be the Mom and the Dad to my kids. I was
and still am awesome in some areas and in others it's a learning curve. My
children never bring up the bad choices, they just love me for loving them
when they were driving me CRAZY. We work it out and give each other space
to succeed and to fail. The rest we leave up to God.
***************
I wrote:
***************
I think the key is not to be measuring how much glory YOU (the mom) get, or
how much blame, but to put that thought and energy into making your
children's lives glorious.
_________________________________________________
So the first response she got was someone sighing and whining about how her
children drive HER crazy, but she loves them anyway, even though she "has
to" be both mother and father to them.
Negativity causes divorce.
Negativity causes sorrow. Negativity IS sorrow.
And having the boogey-man "stepford wife" as a justification for NOT being
generous or kind or good gives one permission to do anything she wants, and
say "Well otherwise I will be a stepford wife." But in this situation,
she's not a wife at all, for some reason I don't know. I think if she were
widowed she would've mentioned it, maybe.
The full quote from which the partial (top of this page) came is at
http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
and starts off in such a way that it applies to the kind of response it got:
I had the feeling you were trying to find ways to justify and protect your
negative attitudes instead of ways to let them go. I could be entirely
wrong. It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great
sigh about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are,
and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and
how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tend to remain silent, or make neutral conversational noises, but sometimes
people will press you when you don't agree with them.
What do you do when a your friend's kid comes to your house and tells you
her mom is �mad all the time�?
Virginia
**
Someone on facebook posted this quote from me. (I wrote to her and asked
her to use my full name, on quotes, and she agreed to do so in future.)
******************
It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sigh about
*how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are, and then
for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and how
entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light! ~ Sandra D.
***************
One of _her_ facebook friends wrote:
***************
It's like everything in life has a plus and a minus, otherwise we will be
stepford wives. We get the glory and we take the blame. The key is to get
more glory then blame. I had to be the Mom and the Dad to my kids. I was
and still am awesome in some areas and in others it's a learning curve. My
children never bring up the bad choices, they just love me for loving them
when they were driving me CRAZY. We work it out and give each other space
to succeed and to fail. The rest we leave up to God.
***************
I wrote:
***************
I think the key is not to be measuring how much glory YOU (the mom) get, or
how much blame, but to put that thought and energy into making your
children's lives glorious.
_________________________________________________
So the first response she got was someone sighing and whining about how her
children drive HER crazy, but she loves them anyway, even though she "has
to" be both mother and father to them.
Negativity causes divorce.
Negativity causes sorrow. Negativity IS sorrow.
And having the boogey-man "stepford wife" as a justification for NOT being
generous or kind or good gives one permission to do anything she wants, and
say "Well otherwise I will be a stepford wife." But in this situation,
she's not a wife at all, for some reason I don't know. I think if she were
widowed she would've mentioned it, maybe.
The full quote from which the partial (top of this page) came is at
http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
and starts off in such a way that it applies to the kind of response it got:
I had the feeling you were trying to find ways to justify and protect your
negative attitudes instead of ways to let them go. I could be entirely
wrong. It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great
sigh about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children are,
and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they understand and
how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is.
It's a hole.
A dark hole.
Hop out into the happy light!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 19, 2013, at 1:50 PM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> It's a longstanding motherly tradition for moms to heave a great sighI bet sharing how difficult being with kids -- or spouses -- is for bonding and connecting. It's assumed all moms have kid-difficulties in common. And it is mostly true. Any mom who says she likes being with her kids is either lying, a martyr, or unfairly has compliant kids. Whichever, she's obviously someone who has no intention of fitting in which generally irritates people in the group.
> about *how HARD* it is to be a mom, and *how DIFFICULT* children
> are, and then for all the other moms to mutter on about how they
> understand and how entirely correct the sigh-heaving mom is
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Virginia Warren wrote:
It could be hyperbole, depending on the child - if she's used to other kids complaining about parents and parents complaining about each other and their parents and siblings and friends then she's doing what people do - it's her norm. Recognize that it's common to say "all the time" as an off-hand turn of phrase which is really meaningless - one of the reasons we discourage parents from using it with reference to kids (he's always whining... she's always on the computer...).
At the same time, is there reason to believe mom is stressed out? Is there some way you can help? Offer to host this friend more often so mom gets a break and can be easier with her kids? That would be a kind thing to do for the other family.
If it's something more than a tired, stressed-out mom who tends to be grumpy, the best you can do is provide a safe refuge for the kid - and for that to happen, her mom needs to feel okay about her kid going to your house.
---Meredith
>> What do you do when a your friend's kid comes to your house and tells youOffer gentle commiseration. Don't dismiss the comment, but don't blow it out of proportion, either.
> her mom is "mad all the time"?
It could be hyperbole, depending on the child - if she's used to other kids complaining about parents and parents complaining about each other and their parents and siblings and friends then she's doing what people do - it's her norm. Recognize that it's common to say "all the time" as an off-hand turn of phrase which is really meaningless - one of the reasons we discourage parents from using it with reference to kids (he's always whining... she's always on the computer...).
At the same time, is there reason to believe mom is stressed out? Is there some way you can help? Offer to host this friend more often so mom gets a break and can be easier with her kids? That would be a kind thing to do for the other family.
If it's something more than a tired, stressed-out mom who tends to be grumpy, the best you can do is provide a safe refuge for the kid - and for that to happen, her mom needs to feel okay about her kid going to your house.
---Meredith
Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
And it's us-vs-them bonding, which seems to be an aspect of our human nature - not one of the nicer aspects! It's not really any different than men complaining about fickle, demanding females... or people complaining about other ethnic groups or religious groups or political parties. It's a kind of bonding, but with an ugly twist, instead of celebrating what's good about "us" it's attacking "them".
---Meredith
>> I bet sharing how difficult being with kids -- or spouses -- is for bonding and connecting. It's assumed all moms have kid-difficulties in common. And it is mostly true.************
And it's us-vs-them bonding, which seems to be an aspect of our human nature - not one of the nicer aspects! It's not really any different than men complaining about fickle, demanding females... or people complaining about other ethnic groups or religious groups or political parties. It's a kind of bonding, but with an ugly twist, instead of celebrating what's good about "us" it's attacking "them".
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=-If it's something more than a tired, stressed-out mom who tends to be grumpy, the best you can do is provide a safe refuge for the kid -=-
Maybe, too, you could talk about the different things "mad" can be--frustration, or negativity, out of habit or in response to situations. The idea can be talkeda bout without talking about that particular always-mad mom.
Giving the visiting child ideas about how to be more patient, or how to deal with other people's anger, could be a huge gift. Maybe examples will come up at your house, or in movies, TV shows, songs, books....
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe, too, you could talk about the different things "mad" can be--frustration, or negativity, out of habit or in response to situations. The idea can be talkeda bout without talking about that particular always-mad mom.
Giving the visiting child ideas about how to be more patient, or how to deal with other people's anger, could be a huge gift. Maybe examples will come up at your house, or in movies, TV shows, songs, books....
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]