Giving birthday presents before birthdays
am_y72
First time post but I understand how the group works
I've bought my son a Playstation Move (an interactive device for the games console) for his birthday at the end of february. It comes with a good game but also let's him access different parts of games he already has.
He knows I have it as i bought it while they were spending their Xmas money in a big toy shop. He's finding it hard that i have it and it's meant for his birthday and would rather have it now (it's his main present).
I need help thinking through whether their is any benefit in asking him to wait till his actual birthday, that there is some point to helping him try different techniques to learn to cope with delayed gratification. For both of us I'd rather give him it now, there will be more gifts on his birthday, we could even save a game he could have that works with this Move system for the day.
He understands when something is in the post and there is nothing we can do, he finds it hard to wait but manages. I'm finding it hard to justify the wait on the principle that he 'should' wait. There are outside influences of father, friends etc but we can live with those. I'd rather work with helping him not feel he has less of a birthday for his main present having been early and no longer having a new feeling. I can think of plenty of ways to do this!
My concern is that I'm missing helping him learn something that I can't see.
Any help appreciated
Many thanks in advance
Amy
I've bought my son a Playstation Move (an interactive device for the games console) for his birthday at the end of february. It comes with a good game but also let's him access different parts of games he already has.
He knows I have it as i bought it while they were spending their Xmas money in a big toy shop. He's finding it hard that i have it and it's meant for his birthday and would rather have it now (it's his main present).
I need help thinking through whether their is any benefit in asking him to wait till his actual birthday, that there is some point to helping him try different techniques to learn to cope with delayed gratification. For both of us I'd rather give him it now, there will be more gifts on his birthday, we could even save a game he could have that works with this Move system for the day.
He understands when something is in the post and there is nothing we can do, he finds it hard to wait but manages. I'm finding it hard to justify the wait on the principle that he 'should' wait. There are outside influences of father, friends etc but we can live with those. I'd rather work with helping him not feel he has less of a birthday for his main present having been early and no longer having a new feeling. I can think of plenty of ways to do this!
My concern is that I'm missing helping him learn something that I can't see.
Any help appreciated
Many thanks in advance
Amy
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 8, 2013, at 12:02 PM, am_y72 wrote:
I'd give it to him. If, knock on wood, something happened to him between now and his birthday, wouldn't you look back and think how pointless it was to have waited?
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> there is some point to helping him try different techniques to learn to cope with delayed gratification.Helping kids wait is good when you have no control over what they're waiting for. But he knows you *could* give it to him right now so it will feel to him more like a training session he hasn't asked for than help.
I'd give it to him. If, knock on wood, something happened to him between now and his birthday, wouldn't you look back and think how pointless it was to have waited?
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Gwen Montoya
You might also pick up something small so he has something to open on his birthday (if that is important to him) or plan a special outing.
Gwen
Gwen
Meredith
"am_y72" wrote:
There will be plenty of opportunities for you to help him deal with waiting for things - there's no need to make a lesson of "delayed gratification" which is essentially what you're doing by making him wait for something he knows is in the house. Like any lesson, what he actually learns may not be what you hope! He could just as easily learn that you're dogmatic about gifts or birthdays. Give it to him now and let him learn about kindness and joy.
See? Lots of opportunities to learn ;)
Waiting gracefully, like thinking ahead, also has a big developmental component. It's not something which Can be taught, any more than walking can. What you can do is help him wait gracefully when there don't seem to be any other options.
---Meredith
>> I need help thinking through whether their is any benefit in asking him to wait till his actual birthday, that there is some point to helping him try different techniques to learn to cope with delayed gratification.*****************
There will be plenty of opportunities for you to help him deal with waiting for things - there's no need to make a lesson of "delayed gratification" which is essentially what you're doing by making him wait for something he knows is in the house. Like any lesson, what he actually learns may not be what you hope! He could just as easily learn that you're dogmatic about gifts or birthdays. Give it to him now and let him learn about kindness and joy.
> He understands when something is in the post and there is nothing we can do, he finds it hard to wait but manages.************
See? Lots of opportunities to learn ;)
Waiting gracefully, like thinking ahead, also has a big developmental component. It's not something which Can be taught, any more than walking can. What you can do is help him wait gracefully when there don't seem to be any other options.
---Meredith
am_y72
Thanks Joyce, he pointed out the difference earlier, it's not in the post it's on top of the cupboard! I think if I want to avoid this I just buy much closer to the event or store elsewhere quietly.
This was the only place I could ask for advice to think this thro. I just want to say while I've posted how much I love this group, this is the place that makes sense, is current and in real time (not a book), I would feel extremely isolated without you folk on here. I come here when I'm having a wobble, to relax and for therapy and when I'm loosing my way. Thank you x
Amy
This was the only place I could ask for advice to think this thro. I just want to say while I've posted how much I love this group, this is the place that makes sense, is current and in real time (not a book), I would feel extremely isolated without you folk on here. I come here when I'm having a wobble, to relax and for therapy and when I'm loosing my way. Thank you x
Amy
Sandra Dodd
-=-He knows I have it as i bought it while they were spending their Xmas money in a big toy shop. He's finding it hard that i have it and it's meant for his birthday and would rather have it now (it's his main present). -=-
I would give it to him now (if you haven't already).
He will learn from playing, and it's exercise, and it will bring peace and joy into your lives. All those things are justifiable as unschooling expenses.
Maybe on his birthday, if you can't afford another gift, you could take photos of the cool things he knows how to do with that, and make a blog post or a photo album on facebook or something, saying happy birthday and showing him in many happy poses. :-)
-=-I need help thinking through whether their is any benefit in asking him to wait till his actual birthday, that there is some point to helping him try different techniques to learn to cope with delayed gratification.-=-
My mother-in-law wasn't a very nice person. When we had two little boys, who were about 2 and 5, she told me once when she thought I was being too nice to them, "You need to frustrate them."
NO, I did NOT need to frustrate them. There are many natural frustrations in life. Mean grandmothers are among them. But to *create* frustration to practice is as cruel as breaking a child's finger so that he will be better prepared in case he ever breaks an arm or a leg.
My kids are great at delayed gratification, all of them. They have saved money, earned money, bought small things, and large things, waited for friends to visit, waited for holidays and parties, and because they're busy and secure people, they could always find something to do. But they were also generally sure that as soon as it WAS possible, they would do it, or have it. That's because they had lived their lives with parents who were their partners and who helped them, rather than thwarted or frustrated them.
Some kids get to 18 and they're sick and tired of waiting, and they don't want to wait anymore for ANYthing. Some turn to drugs, drinking, partying, charge cards, driving too fast... When parents have a choice of saying yes or no, and they choose "no" because they think it's good for their child, they are putting that pressure and tension in the bank to gain interest.
Say yes when you can, especially if it's about something that will help your child learn. If you can't decide, think "Will he be happy and learn? Will this help with unschooling?"
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I would give it to him now (if you haven't already).
He will learn from playing, and it's exercise, and it will bring peace and joy into your lives. All those things are justifiable as unschooling expenses.
Maybe on his birthday, if you can't afford another gift, you could take photos of the cool things he knows how to do with that, and make a blog post or a photo album on facebook or something, saying happy birthday and showing him in many happy poses. :-)
-=-I need help thinking through whether their is any benefit in asking him to wait till his actual birthday, that there is some point to helping him try different techniques to learn to cope with delayed gratification.-=-
My mother-in-law wasn't a very nice person. When we had two little boys, who were about 2 and 5, she told me once when she thought I was being too nice to them, "You need to frustrate them."
NO, I did NOT need to frustrate them. There are many natural frustrations in life. Mean grandmothers are among them. But to *create* frustration to practice is as cruel as breaking a child's finger so that he will be better prepared in case he ever breaks an arm or a leg.
My kids are great at delayed gratification, all of them. They have saved money, earned money, bought small things, and large things, waited for friends to visit, waited for holidays and parties, and because they're busy and secure people, they could always find something to do. But they were also generally sure that as soon as it WAS possible, they would do it, or have it. That's because they had lived their lives with parents who were their partners and who helped them, rather than thwarted or frustrated them.
Some kids get to 18 and they're sick and tired of waiting, and they don't want to wait anymore for ANYthing. Some turn to drugs, drinking, partying, charge cards, driving too fast... When parents have a choice of saying yes or no, and they choose "no" because they think it's good for their child, they are putting that pressure and tension in the bank to gain interest.
Say yes when you can, especially if it's about something that will help your child learn. If you can't decide, think "Will he be happy and learn? Will this help with unschooling?"
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- I'd rather work with helping him not feel he has less of a birthday for his main present having been early and no longer having a new feeling. I can think of plenty of ways to do this!
My concern is that I'm missing helping him learn something that I can't see.
Any help appreciated-=-
All of that is convoluted words and ideas that aren't necessary.
First, you probably should NOT have bought that right in front of him, or let him know you had it.
If your husband had bought you a dishwasher, and was saving it for two months, how would you feel every time you washed your dishes by hand? Or a car... What if he bought you a car, but was hiding it until your birthday? How would you feel about walking or taking the bus or getting a ride?
-=- helping him not feel he has less of a birthday for his main present having been early and no longer having a new feeling.-=-
I would say "I don't know what I was thinking. This is an educational expense; you get it because we're homeschooling."
Maybe by his birthday you'll have found a very cool new videogame to go with it. Or you could take him to a nearby city for an overnight trip. Or go to a movie and let him get popcorn and candy or whatever he likes from the snack bar. There can be a special birthday thing that has nothing to do with your current predicament.
-=-My concern is that I'm missing helping him learn something that I can't see. -=-
He was learning something about arbitrary, mysterious rules that his mom didn't really understand. He wasn't learning to trust your partnership and compassion.
Just deal with things you CAN see. When you make a decision, think of two things and choose the one that takes you nearer to the way you want to be, to the place you want to live.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully has some detail about that near the bottom, about making choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My concern is that I'm missing helping him learn something that I can't see.
Any help appreciated-=-
All of that is convoluted words and ideas that aren't necessary.
First, you probably should NOT have bought that right in front of him, or let him know you had it.
If your husband had bought you a dishwasher, and was saving it for two months, how would you feel every time you washed your dishes by hand? Or a car... What if he bought you a car, but was hiding it until your birthday? How would you feel about walking or taking the bus or getting a ride?
-=- helping him not feel he has less of a birthday for his main present having been early and no longer having a new feeling.-=-
I would say "I don't know what I was thinking. This is an educational expense; you get it because we're homeschooling."
Maybe by his birthday you'll have found a very cool new videogame to go with it. Or you could take him to a nearby city for an overnight trip. Or go to a movie and let him get popcorn and candy or whatever he likes from the snack bar. There can be a special birthday thing that has nothing to do with your current predicament.
-=-My concern is that I'm missing helping him learn something that I can't see. -=-
He was learning something about arbitrary, mysterious rules that his mom didn't really understand. He wasn't learning to trust your partnership and compassion.
Just deal with things you CAN see. When you make a decision, think of two things and choose the one that takes you nearer to the way you want to be, to the place you want to live.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully has some detail about that near the bottom, about making choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Gwen Montoya wrote:
You could ask him, too. When we get things around birthdays and holidays I'll ask Mo if she wants them right away or to wait. Sometimes she'll wait, sometimes not. This past Christmas she wanted to wait and open everything on the day itself, but go out and spend her money right away.
---Meredith
>**********
> You might also pick up something small so he has something to open on his birthday (if that is important to him) or plan a special outing.
You could ask him, too. When we get things around birthdays and holidays I'll ask Mo if she wants them right away or to wait. Sometimes she'll wait, sometimes not. This past Christmas she wanted to wait and open everything on the day itself, but go out and spend her money right away.
---Meredith
am_y72
Thanks for the replies, we've played with the new Move thing all night, he's very happy and appreciates his negotiations have been successful. I can plan more carefully in the future. He'll still have some presents on his birthday and activities of his choice so it should be fine. I feel freer to do what feels right.
Kind regards
Amy
Kind regards
Amy
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" wrote:
>
> Gwen Montoya wrote:
> >
> > You might also pick up something small so he has something to open on his birthday (if that is important to him) or plan a special outing.
> **********
>
> You could ask him, too. When we get things around birthdays and holidays I'll ask Mo if she wants them right away or to wait. Sometimes she'll wait, sometimes not. This past Christmas she wanted to wait and open everything on the day itself, but go out and spend her money right away.
>
> ---Meredith
>