Cally Brown

I love words - and I love learning new ones. My dictionary has no place in
my home - by which I mean, it sits on the table / floor / shelf / most
handy place to where I was last reading / using the computer / listening to
the radio so that I can immediately check out words I don't know, or words
used in a way that I haven't heard before. Similarly, I only have to type a
'd' into the url box on my computer and dictionary.com pops up immediately
:) So on reading 'canalize' I immediately looked it up:
can·al·ize [kan-l-ahyz, kuh-nal-ahyz] Show IPA
verb (used with object), can·al·ized, can·al·iz·ing.
1.
to make a canal <http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/canal> or
canals<http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/canal>
through.
2.
to convert into a canal <http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/canal>.
3.
to divide (a stream) into reaches with locks or dams, usually to maintain
navigable depths.
4.
to divert into certain channels; give a certain direction to or provide a
certain outlet for.

Lo and behold - #4 came up with the goods :) Another word learned.

Yes, I do love words :)

Cally


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fundayeveryday

Does anyone have suggestions for the following situation: My sister has 4 y.o. twins and since they were born her word choices when talking about her children
are less than kind. Whenever I ask about how they are doing, her immediate response is "oh, you mean those monsters? they are driving me nuts, as usual" . She works full time outside of the home and her twins are in daycare. We used to talk in the evening sometimes as well as on the weekends, but for awhile now I am reluctant to call  at all because the conversation is predictable in terms of the words she will use to describe her children and her life ("just trying to get stuff done with these two running around causing trouble" etc.) while my stories are full of positive words about our kids and things they have been engaged in. I  thought maybe she is cranky that she has to go to work, but she has stated that she chooses not to be home with them. My question is this: how would you respond to a family member that speaks this way about their children? My method so far has been to change the subject.  There have been times when she says "they are in this awful phase of screaming over everything- I guess this is the terrible threes that people talk about.This is so much harder than I imagined".
We have always had a close relationship and I'm wondering if anyone would suggest just flat out asking her "why do you talk about your kids like that?".  It seems as if this negative wording and thinking has become a way of life for her and it is such a downer to listen to it anymore and yet I want to keep our close relationship.  Thoughts????

Kristen

Sandra Dodd

-=-We have always had a close relationship and I'm wondering if anyone would suggest just flat out asking her "why do you talk about your kids like that?".  It seems as if this negative wording and thinking has become a way of life for her and it is such a downer to listen to it anymore and yet I want to keep our close relationship.  Thoughts????
-=-

Years ago, nearly 30 years ago, a younger friend of ours told me he didn't want to go on a road trip with me and Keith because he didn't like it when I was mean to Keith.  It made him really uncomfortable.  I told him it was okay to stick up for Keith, to just jump into the conversation, if I did that, but I also told him I would be more careful.

And I did. 
And he did go on road trips with us sometimes afterwards. 
And I was nicer to Keith forevermore.  Well, so far, forever.  

Maybe you could write your sister a note and say carefully and briefly what's bothering you.  Maybe you could say that you would like to talk with her more, but the negativity is bringing you down, and it must surely be bringing down her own family environment.

Maybe she will ask you more.  Maybe she'll just wonder what you're talking about, but I don't see how it could NOT help her hear negative words.  

Maybe you could add some examples of words and phrases, or maybe you could just leave it as a clue for her to find the things herself.  

When important things like that are in writing, there are advantages.  Keep a copy; she won't be able to misrepresent you to your mom or other friends and relatives.   She won't be able to cut you off or laugh at you before you're finished, if it's in writing.   And she can look at it again later, when her thinking has changed.

Sandra

Ali Zeljo

It might be helpful for her to hear your own 'discovery' that even just changing the words you use about something changes how you feel and your behavior too. A story from you if you have one about how you used to speak without thinking in a similar way- but you are now so much happier and so are your kids since you started making the effort to be more positive?

Ali

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY




 
-=-We have always had a close relationship and I'm wondering if anyone would suggest just flat out asking her "why do you talk about your kids like that?".  It seems as if this negative wording and thinking has become a way of life for her and it is such a downer to listen to it anymore and yet I want to keep our close relationship.  Thoughts????
-=-

I am close to my sister. The other morning her 12 year old son called me in the morning and was chatting with me about a gaming headset and all this technical stuff .
He wants one for Christmas. I am skyping with him and looking things up on line and I ask what is all connected to the USB ports on his desktop ( he said they were all taken). So he turns and aks "Mom can you check what is plugged in to the USB ports?"
Oh my gosh my sister was rude to him. So I said :
"Patrick let me talk to your mom?"
She came to the phone and I ask what was up. She started going on about how she just got up and yadda yadda, There was really no reason. She was just impatient and did not want to bother.
I called her on it. I  gently told her that was no way to talk to her son that was nicely asking a question and that she could tell him nicely that she could not look at that moment if that was the issue but to talk to him like that was uncalled for.
I told her she would not like anyone talking to her that way.

She mellowed out . I went back to talk to Patrick, found him an USB splitter online for less than $10 and he felt heard and valued.
She got it for him she told me today.

Alex Polikowsky

Karen

>>>>>My question is this: how would you respond to a family member that speaks this way about their children? <<<<<

When Ethan was first born I was amazed at how fast he grew. Occasionally, my mother-in-law would call and see how things were going, and I would say "He's growing like a bad weed." I cringe now writing that, but it's the language I grew up with. I thought it was wonderful that he was growing so strongly, but my word choice really irritated her. I wasn't aware of how negative my description sounded until one day she told me that she really didn't like that I compared her grandson to a bad weed.

At first I was defensive, but as I thought about it and looked at my beautiful baby, I realized she was right. That was the beginning of me hearing so many of the negative descriptions and automatic phrases I was using. It was very humbling, but deeply enlightening also.

My mother-in-law didn't speak to me unkindly. She simply told me how she felt about the words I was choosing. Maybe you could say to your sister something like "It really bothers me when you call my nieces little monsters." Let her think about that for a bit. Maybe, like myself, she doesn't even really hear what she is saying.

Karen.

Deb Lewis

***We have always had a close relationship and I'm wondering if anyone would suggest just flat out asking her "why do you talk about your kids like that?".  ***
 
I would say something. “The negative way you talk about your children is hard to listen too, and probably not good for them.”   She will likely tell you she’s joking, she loves her kids, and you should lighten up. But she might never again be able to say a harsh thing without thinking about the way it sounds to others, and over time, she might do it less.  She might get defensive, but it’s kinder of you to give her information she might not have thought about yet than to withhold it.
 
Are you in a position to help her sometimes, if she’s feeling overwhelmed, and that negative talk is a sign of her frustration?
 
Say positive things about and to her children. Show her what it can feel and sound like.
 
Deb Lewis