Annual Stress Over Holiday Family Gathering
judyw0607
My husband and I have two sons, ages 6 & 4 (our younger son will have just turned 5 by the time of the event in question). I would describe us all as introverts, some more social than others. My younger son, in particular, finds gatherings of more than a few people overwhelming.
Every year, my side of the family (a total of about a dozen people now ranging in age from 13 to 76), holds a Christmas get-together at my sister's house. An invitation to this event is never issued. It's more like a proclamation with the expectation that Everyone Will Be There. This event causes me a lot of stress trying to juggle my husband's and sons' needs, the notion of family obligation(?), kindness to my aging parents, and etiquette.
Before we had children, my husband and I faithfully attended (for my husband, it was only for my benefit). When our boys were infants/toddlers, they were pretty comfortable (although my younger son, at just-turned 2, refused to pose for a group photo of "all the grandchildren" gasp! ;)). My husband, while not overtly rude, was visibly tense the entire time, worrying about whether the kids would break something or get hurt in a less than baby/toddler-proof home. The past two years, due to my older son's serious illness, I've attended alone.
This year, my older son is certainly healthy enough to attend, but neither boy wants to. In fact, they would prefer I stay home, too. Surprisingly to me, my husband said he'd be willing to attend this year since he hasn't seen most family members in a long time. He qualified this, though, by saying not if it means policing our kids' potential misbehavior (his words, not mine). He's a worrier in that way. My concern is that the kids would find themselves overwhelmed and that I'd have a hard time helping them navigate the situation given the venue and some of the personalities that will be there. There's no place to take a break that would be considered "proper," for instance.
Going by myself would be the least stressful for my household, so I'm leaning toward doing that again. It will open us up to criticism from my very traditional, schoolish family: (1) I should just Make Them go, (2) they're weird, (3) they need to get over that, (4) are they just going to avoid social situations they're uncomfortable with Forever? These are actual comments made when I've attended other family events alone. If this get together wasn't so important to my parents (and I know my sisters' families would like to see our kids, too), I'd probably opt out altogether.
Last year, to satisfy my parents' need to "see the boys at Christmas," we invited them to our house the day after Christmas. We all had a lovely day, even my husband who, while not much for having guests, very graciously suggested it! We're planning to do the same this year.
I'm asking for help thinking this through more clearly and hearing any real-life experiences people have had with family "obligations" like this. I'm clear that my first obligation is to my husband and kids, but is there/should I/how do I make room for the rest?
Judy
Every year, my side of the family (a total of about a dozen people now ranging in age from 13 to 76), holds a Christmas get-together at my sister's house. An invitation to this event is never issued. It's more like a proclamation with the expectation that Everyone Will Be There. This event causes me a lot of stress trying to juggle my husband's and sons' needs, the notion of family obligation(?), kindness to my aging parents, and etiquette.
Before we had children, my husband and I faithfully attended (for my husband, it was only for my benefit). When our boys were infants/toddlers, they were pretty comfortable (although my younger son, at just-turned 2, refused to pose for a group photo of "all the grandchildren" gasp! ;)). My husband, while not overtly rude, was visibly tense the entire time, worrying about whether the kids would break something or get hurt in a less than baby/toddler-proof home. The past two years, due to my older son's serious illness, I've attended alone.
This year, my older son is certainly healthy enough to attend, but neither boy wants to. In fact, they would prefer I stay home, too. Surprisingly to me, my husband said he'd be willing to attend this year since he hasn't seen most family members in a long time. He qualified this, though, by saying not if it means policing our kids' potential misbehavior (his words, not mine). He's a worrier in that way. My concern is that the kids would find themselves overwhelmed and that I'd have a hard time helping them navigate the situation given the venue and some of the personalities that will be there. There's no place to take a break that would be considered "proper," for instance.
Going by myself would be the least stressful for my household, so I'm leaning toward doing that again. It will open us up to criticism from my very traditional, schoolish family: (1) I should just Make Them go, (2) they're weird, (3) they need to get over that, (4) are they just going to avoid social situations they're uncomfortable with Forever? These are actual comments made when I've attended other family events alone. If this get together wasn't so important to my parents (and I know my sisters' families would like to see our kids, too), I'd probably opt out altogether.
Last year, to satisfy my parents' need to "see the boys at Christmas," we invited them to our house the day after Christmas. We all had a lovely day, even my husband who, while not much for having guests, very graciously suggested it! We're planning to do the same this year.
I'm asking for help thinking this through more clearly and hearing any real-life experiences people have had with family "obligations" like this. I'm clear that my first obligation is to my husband and kids, but is there/should I/how do I make room for the rest?
Judy
Meredith
"judyw0607" <judyw0607@...> wrote:
What's going to bring your family - you, your husband and kids - the most peace and joy? Start from there. An extended family gathering which leaves everyone in your family feeling stressed-out isn't bringing you joy or peace. It's not building relationships. It's not creating warm fuzzy feelings of connection between your kids and the extended family. If you value relationships with extended family, look for Other ways of building and maintaining them - don't let yourself be railroaded into a family tradition which fails in it's intent.
In the interests of courtesy, you could send your sister a note saying your family won't be attending, but don't explain too much, if at all. You're celebrating at home.
My parents took me semi-regularly to visit extended family for holidays as a child. I have almost no fond memories of those visits. The few relatives I spend time with now, as an adult, are people we saw other times, because we had things in common with them, liked them, valued their company.
Today my daughter is sending a thank you card to her grandma - George's mom - for a Halloween card and gift. She doesn't have to do that, it was her idea. She and her grandma both have a love of cute holiday cards and have made cards for each other in the past.It has become a little tradition between the two of them, fueled by a mutual interest. It's sweet. This summer they spent some lovely hours exploring Photoshop together and talking about design and animation. None of that came about through obligatory holiday visits but because we've found ways for them to get together and get to know one another in ways which work for both of them.
---Meredith
>I'm clear that my first obligation is to my husband and kids, but is there/should I/how do I make room for the rest?*************
What's going to bring your family - you, your husband and kids - the most peace and joy? Start from there. An extended family gathering which leaves everyone in your family feeling stressed-out isn't bringing you joy or peace. It's not building relationships. It's not creating warm fuzzy feelings of connection between your kids and the extended family. If you value relationships with extended family, look for Other ways of building and maintaining them - don't let yourself be railroaded into a family tradition which fails in it's intent.
In the interests of courtesy, you could send your sister a note saying your family won't be attending, but don't explain too much, if at all. You're celebrating at home.
My parents took me semi-regularly to visit extended family for holidays as a child. I have almost no fond memories of those visits. The few relatives I spend time with now, as an adult, are people we saw other times, because we had things in common with them, liked them, valued their company.
Today my daughter is sending a thank you card to her grandma - George's mom - for a Halloween card and gift. She doesn't have to do that, it was her idea. She and her grandma both have a love of cute holiday cards and have made cards for each other in the past.It has become a little tradition between the two of them, fueled by a mutual interest. It's sweet. This summer they spent some lovely hours exploring Photoshop together and talking about design and animation. None of that came about through obligatory holiday visits but because we've found ways for them to get together and get to know one another in ways which work for both of them.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm clear that my first obligation is to my husband and kids, but is there/should I/how do I make room for the rest?-=-
Part of your obligation to them might be seen as facilitating ties with other relatives. They might be too little now, but don't create a chasm that will get bigger if you can see it as a temporary waiting time before you do go and hang out.
You could also go a bit late, and leave earlyish.
You might also buy your parents a copy of the book "Quiet" and tell them that some of the problem is that you have a nest of introverts. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com (Don't wait for Christmas, if you decide to give them that book. Do it in advance.)
Depending where you live, maybe you could tell them you're doing this at Christmas, instead:
http://sandradodd.com/all
:-)
There are ideas here, too: http://sandradodd.com/response
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Part of your obligation to them might be seen as facilitating ties with other relatives. They might be too little now, but don't create a chasm that will get bigger if you can see it as a temporary waiting time before you do go and hang out.
You could also go a bit late, and leave earlyish.
You might also buy your parents a copy of the book "Quiet" and tell them that some of the problem is that you have a nest of introverts. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com (Don't wait for Christmas, if you decide to give them that book. Do it in advance.)
Depending where you live, maybe you could tell them you're doing this at Christmas, instead:
http://sandradodd.com/all
:-)
There are ideas here, too: http://sandradodd.com/response
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-In the interests of courtesy, you could send your sister a note saying your family won't be attending, but don't explain too much, if at all. You're celebrating at home. -=-
I would explain enough so that she doesn't interpret it as "...because your family sucks." I might say "maybe when the kids are older..." so that it's "not now" not "not ever."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I would explain enough so that she doesn't interpret it as "...because your family sucks." I might say "maybe when the kids are older..." so that it's "not now" not "not ever."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
apprentice_mom
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
I also bring bikes and things like that if it is a time when the weather permits doing something outside on the street. I guess the important thing is to bring things that your kids can do that they really enjoy that can be accommodated somewhere in the gathering space. If you don't act like you are trying to "get away", but just that you are trying to provide some fun activities for the kids, then often the other people at the gathering appreciate your efforts.
Justine
> Part of your obligation to them might be seen as facilitating ties with other relatives. They might be too little now, but don't create a chasm that will get bigger if you can see it as a temporary waiting time before you do go and hang out.Absolutely important. They might not want to have those ties even later, but you don't know that now. Things change, people change, and their notions about things change. My mother-in-law, who thinks keeping kids out of school is definitely not OK (although she MOSTLY keeps it to herself, and doesn't say anything about it in front of the kids) also told me once, in a moment of weakness, that at least she never worried that my kids were being well looked after. Who knew?
> You could also go a bit late, and leave earlyish.My younger son finds large gatherings very difficult too. He is 4, and unfortunately reacts physically with others when he is stressed and over-stimulated. My mother-in-law also has a non-child-friendly home packed with expensive breakables. I try to do what I can to help him (and me!) with this stressful situation. For example, my mother-in-law has a GIANT tv in her basement, so before we go I always have my son choose a selection of movies he likes that he and I can watch together during the family gathering. He likes the novelty of watching movies where the people on the TV screen are twice his size! People will drop in downstairs and visit, and maybe watch a bit too, so it doesn't come off at all like we are being anti-social. It actually works pretty well.
I also bring bikes and things like that if it is a time when the weather permits doing something outside on the street. I guess the important thing is to bring things that your kids can do that they really enjoy that can be accommodated somewhere in the gathering space. If you don't act like you are trying to "get away", but just that you are trying to provide some fun activities for the kids, then often the other people at the gathering appreciate your efforts.
Justine