Unschooling approach for son's friend
Marie de Villers
I would like to ask for some thoughts on how to approach the situation of son's (15 yrs old)new girl friend, or perhaps just a "friend".
We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.
Our son is very happy, it seems. He has always been a bit anxious, so loves being at home, not big on change or going out. But he has made a big leap/change over the past week. He called about and started a job this week. And he went to see a movie with a girl he met on-line. He was dropped off at both places (work and theatre), which is a big deal for him.
After the movie night, we talked and wanted to make sure he knew that we were fine if she wanted to come over sometime, that she was welcome here. So he asked if she could come to our cottage with us this week-end and stay overnight. We told him that she could come during the day, but that we weren't comfortable with her staying the night just yet.
My husband & son picked her up this am. My husband was very uncomfortable with the situation. 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream". The father was there, but looks like this is normal for them.
We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before. And he is obviously looking to get out more now. We live a pretty quiet/sheltered life compared to her family. Looks like we are quite opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of lifestyle from her family.
My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.
We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.
Our son is very happy, it seems. He has always been a bit anxious, so loves being at home, not big on change or going out. But he has made a big leap/change over the past week. He called about and started a job this week. And he went to see a movie with a girl he met on-line. He was dropped off at both places (work and theatre), which is a big deal for him.
After the movie night, we talked and wanted to make sure he knew that we were fine if she wanted to come over sometime, that she was welcome here. So he asked if she could come to our cottage with us this week-end and stay overnight. We told him that she could come during the day, but that we weren't comfortable with her staying the night just yet.
My husband & son picked her up this am. My husband was very uncomfortable with the situation. 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream". The father was there, but looks like this is normal for them.
We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before. And he is obviously looking to get out more now. We live a pretty quiet/sheltered life compared to her family. Looks like we are quite opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of lifestyle from her family.
My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.
Sandra Dodd
-=-We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before. And he is obviously looking to get out more now. We live a pretty quiet/sheltered life compared to her family. Looks like we are quite opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of lifestyle from her family.
-=-My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.-=-
If your son had been in school all these years, he might have girlfriends for weeks or months that you'd never heard of, and not get to meet.
I don't see the problem with keeping communication open, if he's communicating with you now. But don't expect to know EVERYthing about this girl or their relationship. Don't ask too many questions. There will be things he doesn't want to talk about, possibly. Probably.
This dichotomy concerns me, in your thinking:
-=- We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. -=-
"Giving freedom" isn't nearly as useful a concept as "helping learn to make good choices.
I hope you don't really think that parenting is the opposite of allowing choices, or that providing support is the opposite of "giving freedom."
-=-We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.-=-
He's fifteen, and was nine or ten when you first started unschooling? OR you homschooled for a while and at some point eased over into unschooling?
Although I think people should move slowly into unschooling, if they stay "new" too long, the child is grown. Or fifteen and in a situation to consider herpes cream.
http://sandradodd.com/doit
For others reading here who are wondering how long they can take to figure out what they believe and how that will affect their actions and thoughts, I think six years might be on the long side.
http://sandradodd.com/rules
When I was fifteen, I was away from home for six hours a day, and the nights I went to music practices and club meetings. I wasn't a sneaky kids, but there were times and places where I could be alone with a boy, and I usually had a boyfriend. Movies in those days were often drive-in theaters, too.
What kept parents from being stressed out was they didn't usually know anything about what was going on. So having chosen to be so close a part of your son's life, it will help if you can guard against smothering him while he's becoming a man.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.-=-
If your son had been in school all these years, he might have girlfriends for weeks or months that you'd never heard of, and not get to meet.
I don't see the problem with keeping communication open, if he's communicating with you now. But don't expect to know EVERYthing about this girl or their relationship. Don't ask too many questions. There will be things he doesn't want to talk about, possibly. Probably.
This dichotomy concerns me, in your thinking:
-=- We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. -=-
"Giving freedom" isn't nearly as useful a concept as "helping learn to make good choices.
I hope you don't really think that parenting is the opposite of allowing choices, or that providing support is the opposite of "giving freedom."
-=-We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.-=-
He's fifteen, and was nine or ten when you first started unschooling? OR you homschooled for a while and at some point eased over into unschooling?
Although I think people should move slowly into unschooling, if they stay "new" too long, the child is grown. Or fifteen and in a situation to consider herpes cream.
http://sandradodd.com/doit
For others reading here who are wondering how long they can take to figure out what they believe and how that will affect their actions and thoughts, I think six years might be on the long side.
http://sandradodd.com/rules
When I was fifteen, I was away from home for six hours a day, and the nights I went to music practices and club meetings. I wasn't a sneaky kids, but there were times and places where I could be alone with a boy, and I usually had a boyfriend. Movies in those days were often drive-in theaters, too.
What kept parents from being stressed out was they didn't usually know anything about what was going on. So having chosen to be so close a part of your son's life, it will help if you can guard against smothering him while he's becoming a man.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
You want to support him right?
Instead of freaking out about this girl because her older brothers were taunting her ( and I feel bad for her) why not get to know her?
|Open your hearts and your minds and be open and warm towards her.
Get to know her. Invite them to play games with you, watch movies with them,go for a hike with them but let them be alone too. Don't impose but invite warmly. Be truly interested in getting to know her.
Let them get some time alone. If they are sitting outside let them be. |Get them some snacks and drinks and tell them you will be inside if they need you.
Be a friend. Get to know her. Be warm towards her. ( I cannot say that too much)
She may be a wonderful girl despite her family.
I would have talked to my son about keeping it slow this weekend because of many issues, being one legal ( do not know how old she is but he is only 15) and other sensible things prior to the weekend.
It seems you already have decided she is not good enough because of her family.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Marie de Villers <mdvhome@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, September 15, 2012 12:05 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Unschooling approach for son's friend
I would like to ask for some thoughts on how to approach the situation of son's (15 yrs old)new girl friend, or perhaps just a "friend".
We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.
Our son is very happy, it seems. He has always been a bit anxious, so loves being at home, not big on change or going out. But he has made a big leap/change over the past week. He called about and started a job this week. And he went to see a movie with a girl he met on-line. He was dropped off at both places (work and theatre), which is a big deal for him.
After the movie night, we talked and wanted to make sure he knew that we were fine if she wanted to come over sometime, that she was welcome here. So he asked if she could come to our cottage with us this week-end and stay overnight. We told him that she could come during the day, but that we weren't comfortable with her staying the night just yet.
My husband & son picked her up this am. My husband was very uncomfortable with the situation. 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream". The father was there, but looks like this is normal for them.
We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before. And he is obviously looking to get out more now. We live a pretty quiet/sheltered life compared to her family. Looks like we are quite opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of lifestyle from her family.
My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Instead of freaking out about this girl because her older brothers were taunting her ( and I feel bad for her) why not get to know her?
|Open your hearts and your minds and be open and warm towards her.
Get to know her. Invite them to play games with you, watch movies with them,go for a hike with them but let them be alone too. Don't impose but invite warmly. Be truly interested in getting to know her.
Let them get some time alone. If they are sitting outside let them be. |Get them some snacks and drinks and tell them you will be inside if they need you.
Be a friend. Get to know her. Be warm towards her. ( I cannot say that too much)
She may be a wonderful girl despite her family.
I would have talked to my son about keeping it slow this weekend because of many issues, being one legal ( do not know how old she is but he is only 15) and other sensible things prior to the weekend.
It seems you already have decided she is not good enough because of her family.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Marie de Villers <mdvhome@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, September 15, 2012 12:05 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Unschooling approach for son's friend
I would like to ask for some thoughts on how to approach the situation of son's (15 yrs old)new girl friend, or perhaps just a "friend".
We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.
Our son is very happy, it seems. He has always been a bit anxious, so loves being at home, not big on change or going out. But he has made a big leap/change over the past week. He called about and started a job this week. And he went to see a movie with a girl he met on-line. He was dropped off at both places (work and theatre), which is a big deal for him.
After the movie night, we talked and wanted to make sure he knew that we were fine if she wanted to come over sometime, that she was welcome here. So he asked if she could come to our cottage with us this week-end and stay overnight. We told him that she could come during the day, but that we weren't comfortable with her staying the night just yet.
My husband & son picked her up this am. My husband was very uncomfortable with the situation. 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream". The father was there, but looks like this is normal for them.
We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before. And he is obviously looking to get out more now. We live a pretty quiet/sheltered life compared to her family. Looks like we are quite opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of lifestyle from her family.
My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
I'd be pretty happy about this turn of events, myself. He needs to get to
know girls and learn about relationships. How NICE that he wanted to invite
her to be with you for the weekend. I would not have turned that
opportunity down, myself.
I figured my kids would want to get to know all kinds of people - that more
variety was better so that they could figure out which relationships worked
well, which didn't, and think about why or why not.
Did you expect that he'd only like girls who met with your approval? Life
doesn't really work that way much of the time.
I think that you and your husband should take this opportunity to learn
about how to be supportive and to model kindness and open-heartedness. The
girl might turn out to be as crass as her brothers, but at least give her
the benefit of the doubt at first - she might also be embarrassed by their
crassness. And if she IS crass like them, it may be that your son really
wants to be around someone like that, for a while, for his own reasons - to
understand that kind of person.
Show a little more respect and trust of your son -- if she turns out to be
embarrassing or otherwise not a good fit, let him figure that out.
Roya wanted to go live with a boyfriend who lived halfway across the
country. I helped her make plans and pack up and made it safe for her to
give it a try EVEN though I did not think the guy was at all right for her.
She stayed a few months and came back home, happy to have given it a try
and happy to have a nice welcoming family to come back to. She has told me
flat out that if we'd made a stink, she'd have gone anyway, but would not
have felt comfortable calling and saying, "Not working out here, I'm coming
home."
Maybe this is the first time his choices have seemed questionable to you,
but I'd recommend developing a habit now of enthusiastic support rather
than "We're not comfortable....".
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
know girls and learn about relationships. How NICE that he wanted to invite
her to be with you for the weekend. I would not have turned that
opportunity down, myself.
I figured my kids would want to get to know all kinds of people - that more
variety was better so that they could figure out which relationships worked
well, which didn't, and think about why or why not.
Did you expect that he'd only like girls who met with your approval? Life
doesn't really work that way much of the time.
I think that you and your husband should take this opportunity to learn
about how to be supportive and to model kindness and open-heartedness. The
girl might turn out to be as crass as her brothers, but at least give her
the benefit of the doubt at first - she might also be embarrassed by their
crassness. And if she IS crass like them, it may be that your son really
wants to be around someone like that, for a while, for his own reasons - to
understand that kind of person.
Show a little more respect and trust of your son -- if she turns out to be
embarrassing or otherwise not a good fit, let him figure that out.
Roya wanted to go live with a boyfriend who lived halfway across the
country. I helped her make plans and pack up and made it safe for her to
give it a try EVEN though I did not think the guy was at all right for her.
She stayed a few months and came back home, happy to have given it a try
and happy to have a nice welcoming family to come back to. She has told me
flat out that if we'd made a stink, she'd have gone anyway, but would not
have felt comfortable calling and saying, "Not working out here, I'm coming
home."
Maybe this is the first time his choices have seemed questionable to you,
but I'd recommend developing a habit now of enthusiastic support rather
than "We're not comfortable....".
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marie de Villers
--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>I didn't really think of it that way. Glad you pointed that out.
> I'd be pretty happy about this turn of events, myself. He needs to get to
> know girls and learn about relationships. How NICE that he wanted to invite
> her to be with you for the weekend. I would not have turned that
> opportunity down, myself.
>I agree with all that you have said. She did come for the day today, although I was away at work all day, so only my husband & mother-in-law were around. Looks like they had a good time, so I'll move forward with these thoughts in mind.
> I figured my kids would want to get to know all kinds of people - that more
> variety was better so that they could figure out which relationships worked
> well, which didn't, and think about why or why not.
>
> Did you expect that he'd only like girls who met with your approval? Life
> doesn't really work that way much of the time.
>
> I think that you and your husband should take this opportunity to learn
> about how to be supportive and to model kindness and open-heartedness. The
> girl might turn out to be as crass as her brothers, but at least give her
> the benefit of the doubt at first - she might also be embarrassed by their
> crassness. And if she IS crass like them, it may be that your son really
> wants to be around someone like that, for a while, for his own reasons - to
> understand that kind of person.
>
> Show a little more respect and trust of your son -- if she turns out to be
> embarrassing or otherwise not a good fit, let him figure that out.
>
>
> Roya wanted to go live with a boyfriend who lived halfway across the
> country. I helped her make plans and pack up and made it safe for her to
> give it a try EVEN though I did not think the guy was at all right for her.
> She stayed a few months and came back home, happy to have given it a try
> and happy to have a nice welcoming family to come back to. She has told me
> flat out that if we'd made a stink, she'd have gone anyway, but would not
> have felt comfortable calling and saying, "Not working out here, I'm coming
> home."
>
> Maybe this is the first time his choices have seemed questionable to you,
> but I'd recommend developing a habit now of enthusiastic support rather
> than "We're not comfortable....".
> -pam
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
plaidpanties666
"Marie de Villers" <mdvhome@...> wrote:
Wow that takes me back! I don't think my brother and I actually did things like that when our parents were around, but we certainly did trade those kinds of barbs. Your girlfriend is such a skank, she... etc. It's sibling teasing.
If I'm reading your post right, he's also never had a sibling - certainly he doesn't have a big brother. Girlfriends sometimes come with dirty-mouthed brothers and sisters. Your son might need some reassurance that potty-mouth teasing is something siblings do. In a way, it's defensive: "are you cool enough for our sister? Even if we're total jerks to you?" It could even be a way of saying "don't mess with our little sister: we're watching you."
It can help to see it that way - sweet and mixed with years of living together and pushing each others buttons. The parents likely didn't react because, well, they've raised those boys, they know what kinds of doo-doo they can dish out.
---Meredith
> 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream".***********
Wow that takes me back! I don't think my brother and I actually did things like that when our parents were around, but we certainly did trade those kinds of barbs. Your girlfriend is such a skank, she... etc. It's sibling teasing.
>>> We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before.**********
If I'm reading your post right, he's also never had a sibling - certainly he doesn't have a big brother. Girlfriends sometimes come with dirty-mouthed brothers and sisters. Your son might need some reassurance that potty-mouth teasing is something siblings do. In a way, it's defensive: "are you cool enough for our sister? Even if we're total jerks to you?" It could even be a way of saying "don't mess with our little sister: we're watching you."
It can help to see it that way - sweet and mixed with years of living together and pushing each others buttons. The parents likely didn't react because, well, they've raised those boys, they know what kinds of doo-doo they can dish out.
---Meredith
Marie de Villers
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
Will take your thoughts to heart and move forward.
>...She's 17, but that probably doesn't make much difference.
> You want to support him right?
> Instead of freaking out about this girl because her older brothers were taunting her  ( and I feel bad for her) why not get to know her?
>
> Â |Open your hearts and your minds and be open and warm towards her.
> Get to know her. Â Invite them to play games with you, watch movies with them,go for a hike with them but let them be alone too. Don't impose but invite warmly. Be truly interested in getting to know her.
>
> Let them get some time alone. If they are sitting  outside  let them be. |Get them some snacks and drinks and tell them you will be inside if they need you.
> Be a friend. Get to know her. Be warm towards her. ( I cannot say that too much)
>
> She may be a wonderful girl despite her family.
> I would  have talked to my son about keeping it slow this weekend because of many issues, being one legal ( do not know how old she is but he is only 15) and other sensible  things prior to the weekend.
>
> It seems you already have decided she is not good enough because of her family.Â....trying so hard not to judge, but got nervous today. I don't think that we've shown him any signs yet of being freaked out by her family. My husband was there with them today and offering stuff(including going biking etc.), so hopefully all's o.k. I told him that I wish that I could have been there today (was at work) and did tell him already that I'd really like to get to know her. But we may have thrown things off by not opening it up for her to sleep over. Hopefully not.
Will take your thoughts to heart and move forward.
>
>
> Â
> Alex Polikowsky
> Â
> Â
> Â
>
>
> ________________________________
> From: Marie de Villers <mdvhome@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Saturday, September 15, 2012 12:05 PM
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Unschooling approach for son's friend
>
>
> Â
> I would like to ask for some thoughts on how to approach the situation of son's (15 yrs old)new girl friend, or perhaps just a "friend".
>
> We have been unshooling for a few years now. We just have 1 son. He went to school to grade 4, then we homeschooled, and for that last few years we've being giving him as much freedom/choice as we can once we discovered unschooling. We've been to a few unschooling conferences, but still consider ourselves "new" and figuring things out as we go along.
>
> Our son is very happy, it seems. He has always been a bit anxious, so loves being at home, not big on change or going out. But he has made a big leap/change over the past week. He called about and started a job this week. And he went to see a movie with a girl he met on-line. He was dropped off at both places (work and theatre), which is a big deal for him.
>
> After the movie night, we talked and wanted to make sure he knew that we were fine if she wanted to come over sometime, that she was welcome here. So he asked if she could come to our cottage with us this week-end and stay overnight. We told him that she could come during the day, but that we weren't comfortable with her staying the night just yet.
>
> My husband & son picked her up this am. My husband was very uncomfortable with the situation. 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream". The father was there, but looks like this is normal for them.
>
> We are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with our son. He has never had a girlfriend before. And he is obviously looking to get out more now. We live a pretty quiet/sheltered life compared to her family. Looks like we are quite opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of lifestyle from her family.
>
> My husband and I are both a little stressed out. We want to find the balance of giving him freedom and providing support/parenting. We welcome any thoughts/advice from an unschooling perspective.
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Meredith
Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
This past winter he had a girlfriend stay with him off and on for a few months and we were biting out tongues, hoping he'd avoid a trainwreck of a relationship. She had just walked out on a husband and baby, someone Ray knows, and their families were fighting - like fisticuffs in church sort of fighting with plans to abduct the baby and all sorts of trailer-park soap-opera craziness.
---Meredith
>> Roya wanted to go live with a boyfriend who lived halfway across theRay lived with a friend of his a couple winters ago - they had planned to spend the winter in a house his friend had rented and then ended up moving back into the little "mother in law" house on our property. They had forgotten about things like utility payments and actually needing to cut firewood for the stove. Because we had an option for them, it turned into one of those funny stories people tell about youthfull mistakes, rather than becoming a hard, stressful winter for two young guys who didn't do enough planning.
> country. I helped her make plans and pack up and made it safe for her to
> give it a try EVEN though I did not think the guy was at all right for her.
> She stayed a few months and came back home, happy to have given it a try
> and happy to have a nice welcoming family to come back to.
This past winter he had a girlfriend stay with him off and on for a few months and we were biting out tongues, hoping he'd avoid a trainwreck of a relationship. She had just walked out on a husband and baby, someone Ray knows, and their families were fighting - like fisticuffs in church sort of fighting with plans to abduct the baby and all sorts of trailer-park soap-opera craziness.
>She has told meFor awhile, Ray's mom was really pressuring him to dump the girl and we could see him digging in his heels, standing up for her and their relationship - that was probably the scariest part, knowing that kind of pressure wouldn't help Ray but not being able to do anything to stop it. Eventually Ray cut off contact with his mom for awhile, until she agreed to drop the subject, and he finally decided he didn't want to be in that kind of soap-opera relationship on his own.
> flat out that if we'd made a stink, she'd have gone anyway
---Meredith
Gwen Montoya
In families where it is accepted, sibling relationships can be pretty rough. I know my brothers (and parents!) mortified me often enough that I tried to meet people elsewhere.
I went on more than one date without telling anyone in my family because the teasing was so awful. I even had one guy pick me up at the house next door!
Gwen
I went on more than one date without telling anyone in my family because the teasing was so awful. I even had one guy pick me up at the house next door!
Gwen
> "Marie de Villers" <mdvhome@...> wrote:
>> 2 of the girl's brothers (in their 20's) were around & whispering to Sam and then yelling at him when they were leaving to use "herpes cream".
> ***********
Pam Sorooshian
On Sat, Sep 15, 2012 at 2:35 PM, Marie de Villers <mdvhome@...> wrote:
I mean "...really like to get to know her?" He's not proposed marriage,
right?
Be more casual - she's not even really his girlfriend yet, they're just
hanging out together. Lighten up. Be easygoing and friendly, but there is
something overbearing about the way you're all worked up over him just
having an interest in a girl.
My husband is from Iran and they have an expression about the bowl being
hotter than the soup. It applies here - you are the too-hot bowl.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> so hopefully all's o.k. I told him that I wish that I could have beenMore likely thrown things off by being too intense about the whole thing --
> there today (was at work) and did tell him already that I'd really like to
> get to know her. But we may have thrown things off by not opening it up for
> her to sleep over. Hopefully not.
I mean "...really like to get to know her?" He's not proposed marriage,
right?
Be more casual - she's not even really his girlfriend yet, they're just
hanging out together. Lighten up. Be easygoing and friendly, but there is
something overbearing about the way you're all worked up over him just
having an interest in a girl.
My husband is from Iran and they have an expression about the bowl being
hotter than the soup. It applies here - you are the too-hot bowl.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tiffani
<<<<Roya wanted to go live with a boyfriend who lived halfway across the
country. I helped her make plans and pack up and made it safe for her to
give it a try EVEN though I did not think the guy was at all right for her.
She stayed a few months and came back home, happy to have given it a try
and happy to have a nice welcoming family to come back to. She has told me
flat out that if we'd made a stink, she'd have gone anyway, but would not
have felt comfortable calling and saying, "Not working out here, I'm coming
home." <<<<<
Pam, did Roya know you thought he wasn't right for her? Did you gently tell her of you concerns or did you keep it to yourself?
Tiffani
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
country. I helped her make plans and pack up and made it safe for her to
give it a try EVEN though I did not think the guy was at all right for her.
She stayed a few months and came back home, happy to have given it a try
and happy to have a nice welcoming family to come back to. She has told me
flat out that if we'd made a stink, she'd have gone anyway, but would not
have felt comfortable calling and saying, "Not working out here, I'm coming
home." <<<<<
Pam, did Roya know you thought he wasn't right for her? Did you gently tell her of you concerns or did you keep it to yourself?
Tiffani
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-More likely thrown things off by being too intense about the whole thing --
I mean "...really like to get to know her?" He's not proposed marriage,
right?
-=-Be more casual - she's not even really his girlfriend yet, they're just
hanging out together. Lighten up. Be easygoing and friendly, but there is
something overbearing about the way you're all worked up over him just
having an interest in a girl.-=-
Very good points Pam Sorooshian has made.
I've met lots of my kids' friends. Maybe a good way to gauge your reaction would be to treat it as you would meeting a male friend of his. Let the friendship and knowledge develop naturally and slowly. Don't make it some sort of interrogation or interview.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I mean "...really like to get to know her?" He's not proposed marriage,
right?
-=-Be more casual - she's not even really his girlfriend yet, they're just
hanging out together. Lighten up. Be easygoing and friendly, but there is
something overbearing about the way you're all worked up over him just
having an interest in a girl.-=-
Very good points Pam Sorooshian has made.
I've met lots of my kids' friends. Maybe a good way to gauge your reaction would be to treat it as you would meeting a male friend of his. Let the friendship and knowledge develop naturally and slowly. Don't make it some sort of interrogation or interview.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 10:14 AM, Tiffani <tiffermomof5@...> wrote:
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Pam, did Roya know you thought he wasn't right for her? Did you gentlyI kept it completely to myself.
> tell her of you concerns or did you keep it to yourself?
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***I told him that I wish that I could have been there today (was at work) and did tell him already that I'd really like to get to know her. But we may have thrown things off by not opening it up for her to sleep over. Hopefully not.***
I think most teens are used to parents not allowing sleep overs, but are pleasantly surprised when they are allowed. Since it's all new, for all of you guys, it likely isn't a big deal. However, don't continue to go down that road, make it a less big deal.
Follow your son's lead on it. If he wants to invite her over, help that happen. If he wants to be over at her house, help that happen. Since her family has older sons, they've been there done that with dating and relationships and kids. They might be way more relaxed about all of it. If you can't find a way to relax about it, it's possible your son and friend might end up spending more time over there than at your home and that's a missed opportunity for connection.
If you haven't spent time talking about sex and relationships, it might be harder to do it now without it being uncomfortable. Find ways to do so though and make sure he has protection. Maybe do it in this sort of way:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I think most teens are used to parents not allowing sleep overs, but are pleasantly surprised when they are allowed. Since it's all new, for all of you guys, it likely isn't a big deal. However, don't continue to go down that road, make it a less big deal.
Follow your son's lead on it. If he wants to invite her over, help that happen. If he wants to be over at her house, help that happen. Since her family has older sons, they've been there done that with dating and relationships and kids. They might be way more relaxed about all of it. If you can't find a way to relax about it, it's possible your son and friend might end up spending more time over there than at your home and that's a missed opportunity for connection.
If you haven't spent time talking about sex and relationships, it might be harder to do it now without it being uncomfortable. Find ways to do so though and make sure he has protection. Maybe do it in this sort of way:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
> Our son is very happy, it seems. He has always been a bit anxious,This has been niggling at me - the part where he has made a big change
> so loves being at home, not big on change or going out. But he has
> made a big leap/change over the past week. He called about and
> started a job this week. And he went to see a movie with a girl he
> met on-line. He was dropped off at both places (work and theatre),
> which is a big deal for him.
>
in a week. Was there no indication of this, in the time leading up to
these things that all happened within days of each other?
My 17-year-old daughter is a "love being home, not big on change or
going out" kind of kid. If she all of a sudden (as it seems is
happening with your son) decided to get a job, go out with a boy she'd
never met in person, asked to be dropped off, I would be wondering
what the heck I missed! It would be *so* unlike her, I would be
talking with her about it.
Maybe you have been talking with your son about all this and he has
explained his sudden change of heart. That part is missing from your
post and I think it's important.
Robin B.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Maybe you have been talking with your son about all this and he has
explained his sudden change of heart. That part is missing from your
post and I think it's important.-=-
I don't think it's important.
It might be, but I can remember sudden changes in me as a kid, and have seen them in my kids. They wouldn't have been able to explain it. It happens.
With young kids, sometimes they wake up one day looking older, having a different smile, or their voice sounds different.
When they're even younger, sometimes they go suddenly from using single words to using sentences, or are suddenly able to use the toilet.
Not all changes are on a long, smooth plane.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
explained his sudden change of heart. That part is missing from your
post and I think it's important.-=-
I don't think it's important.
It might be, but I can remember sudden changes in me as a kid, and have seen them in my kids. They wouldn't have been able to explain it. It happens.
With young kids, sometimes they wake up one day looking older, having a different smile, or their voice sounds different.
When they're even younger, sometimes they go suddenly from using single words to using sentences, or are suddenly able to use the toilet.
Not all changes are on a long, smooth plane.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
> With young kids, sometimes they wake up one day looking older,Yes, I've seen a few of those things with my daughter. Mostly they
> having a different smile, or their voice sounds different.
>
> When they're even younger, sometimes they go suddenly from using
> single words to using sentences, or are suddenly able to use the
> toilet.
were developmental things, though, not sudden and 180 degree changes
in temperament or social behavior. For her, anyhow.
>Senna's haven't been either - more like a long, bumpy plane!
> Not all changes are on a long, smooth plane.
Robin B.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Yes, I've seen a few of those things with my daughter. Mostly they
were developmental things, though, not sudden and 180 degree changes
in temperament or social behavior. -=-
I think adolescent developmental changes can look sudden.
Kids who had no interest in seeing movie-kissing get curious about other adolescents "in that way."
Sometimes it seems very sudden.
Sometimes girls' pubescent changes come swiftly and kind of painfully.
Sometimes boys who hadn't taken showers for days start taking two a day.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
were developmental things, though, not sudden and 180 degree changes
in temperament or social behavior. -=-
I think adolescent developmental changes can look sudden.
Kids who had no interest in seeing movie-kissing get curious about other adolescents "in that way."
Sometimes it seems very sudden.
Sometimes girls' pubescent changes come swiftly and kind of painfully.
Sometimes boys who hadn't taken showers for days start taking two a day.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]