How to handle ( mom) big emotions.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
So for you parents that have children with big emotions.
( and I am going to go read the book from Dr Greene right now)
How do you handle big emotions?
My 10 year old son MD asked me a couple days ago that he wanted a buzz hair cut.
He had long beautiful almost shoulder length hair.
He has had buzz cuts before. Never regretted it.
He was pretty happy with it until today. He now is very upset and wants his hair back.
But he has big emotions and I am not handling them well.
I know he understands there is nothing I can do.
He has the same reaction if he spills something sometimes.
I am taking deep breaths. It helps a lot. But if I go talk to him I end up on an argument and I am mean to him the moment he is not nice to me. So I stay away and leave him alone.
I know he wanted to get his hair short to be like the Scouts from a game he had been playing. He really likes to be someone else from games or videos for awhile than moves on to other. I think that has to do with why he is so upset.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
( and I am going to go read the book from Dr Greene right now)
How do you handle big emotions?
My 10 year old son MD asked me a couple days ago that he wanted a buzz hair cut.
He had long beautiful almost shoulder length hair.
He has had buzz cuts before. Never regretted it.
He was pretty happy with it until today. He now is very upset and wants his hair back.
But he has big emotions and I am not handling them well.
I know he understands there is nothing I can do.
He has the same reaction if he spills something sometimes.
I am taking deep breaths. It helps a lot. But if I go talk to him I end up on an argument and I am mean to him the moment he is not nice to me. So I stay away and leave him alone.
I know he wanted to get his hair short to be like the Scouts from a game he had been playing. He really likes to be someone else from games or videos for awhile than moves on to other. I think that has to do with why he is so upset.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
I guess not trying to fix and letting him have his emotions and waiting for the right time to talk to him helped.
We joked and he cried and he is happier and on to go play a game.
Made plans to bleach his hair when it is a little longer and that made him smile.
It is all about his alter egos! :)
Ideas are still welcome. He is such an sensitive guy.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 12:51 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] How to handle ( mom) big emotions.
So for you parents that have children with big emotions.
( and I am going to go read the book from Dr Greene right now)
How do you handle big emotions?
My 10 year old son MD asked me a couple days ago that he wanted a buzz hair cut.
He had long beautiful almost shoulder length hair.
He has had buzz cuts before. Never regretted it.
He was pretty happy with it until today. He now is very upset and wants his hair back.
But he has big emotions and I am not handling them well.
I know he understands there is nothing I can do.
He has the same reaction if he spills something sometimes.
I am taking deep breaths. It helps a lot. But if I go talk to him I end up on an argument and I am mean to him the moment he is not nice to me. So I stay away and leave him alone.
I know he wanted to get his hair short to be like the Scouts from a game he had been playing. He really likes to be someone else from games or videos for awhile than moves on to other. I think that has to do with why he is so upset.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We joked and he cried and he is happier and on to go play a game.
Made plans to bleach his hair when it is a little longer and that made him smile.
It is all about his alter egos! :)
Ideas are still welcome. He is such an sensitive guy.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 12:51 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] How to handle ( mom) big emotions.
So for you parents that have children with big emotions.
( and I am going to go read the book from Dr Greene right now)
How do you handle big emotions?
My 10 year old son MD asked me a couple days ago that he wanted a buzz hair cut.
He had long beautiful almost shoulder length hair.
He has had buzz cuts before. Never regretted it.
He was pretty happy with it until today. He now is very upset and wants his hair back.
But he has big emotions and I am not handling them well.
I know he understands there is nothing I can do.
He has the same reaction if he spills something sometimes.
I am taking deep breaths. It helps a lot. But if I go talk to him I end up on an argument and I am mean to him the moment he is not nice to me. So I stay away and leave him alone.
I know he wanted to get his hair short to be like the Scouts from a game he had been playing. He really likes to be someone else from games or videos for awhile than moves on to other. I think that has to do with why he is so upset.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lucy Banwell
On 8 Aug 2012, at 19:51, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
I also find Naomi Aldorf's "SALVE" useful to remember when I'm in the thick of it.
if I remember correctly:
S (Separate - mentally from the child/situation, so you don't get worked up yourself)
A (pay Attention to your child)
L (Listen to your child)
V (Validate your child's feelings)
E (Enable your child to move on).
I found the validation bit really amazing and powerful when I first started doing this. Problems would kind of just magically melt away when I wasn't trying to solve them for my children. The enabling bit just seemed to follow naturally.
Lucy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> So for you parents that have children with big emotions.I found "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" to be a useful book, although not directed towards unschooling.
I also find Naomi Aldorf's "SALVE" useful to remember when I'm in the thick of it.
if I remember correctly:
S (Separate - mentally from the child/situation, so you don't get worked up yourself)
A (pay Attention to your child)
L (Listen to your child)
V (Validate your child's feelings)
E (Enable your child to move on).
I found the validation bit really amazing and powerful when I first started doing this. Problems would kind of just magically melt away when I wasn't trying to solve them for my children. The enabling bit just seemed to follow naturally.
Lucy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lucy Banwell
On 8 Aug 2012, at 20:34, Lucy Banwell <lucy.web@...> wrote:
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I also find Naomi Aldorf's "SALVE" useful to remember when I'm in the thick of it.Apologies. I meant "Naomi Aldort".
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
I would ask him which foods he thinks would help his hair grow fastest, and give him those.
And the next time he asked for a haircut, I would say no.
My three have had long hair and short hair, Marty wore his shaved off for three years, Holly has had hers shaved half off like this: http://sandradodd.com/hollyhairjan06.html
I would NOT sympathize deeply and warmly. I would sympathize lightly and briefly.
Last Saturday night while a lot of us were at a conference in Sacramento, a homeschooling mom in Fresno died, leaving a mid-teen son. A haircut isn't death, and even though he's young, and he's sensitive, at some point it's not unreasonable for a parent to say "Sorry; it will grow back," and no more.
If we treat every haircut and messed-up Lego project as seriously as we treat death, blindness, miscarriage, then we're helping them live in fantasy world and not helping them find ways to be grateful for what they do have.
Some parents would have aid no, no haircut. My dad didn't want me to cut my hair ever. But my mom didn't want me to have bangs. Even the hair on my head was controlled, controlled. But your son had choices. And you are being sweet and kind to him. That was your move. Now his move needs to be NOT to make you feel guilty about that.
I haven't read the other responses. I hope no one recommended treating it like the end of the world. If he WANTED to keep it buzzed, you would need to cut it every couple of weeks. I used to shave Marty's head, protesting that I would rather not, every week or ten days, for years, when he looked like this: http://sandradodd.com/photo/martysolo.jpg
I would offer to pay for the barber, and Marty would ask me to just do it. (And his head was smoother than the photo. That had the rest of the family photoshopped out, by me… I shave better than I photoshop.)
Sandra
And the next time he asked for a haircut, I would say no.
My three have had long hair and short hair, Marty wore his shaved off for three years, Holly has had hers shaved half off like this: http://sandradodd.com/hollyhairjan06.html
I would NOT sympathize deeply and warmly. I would sympathize lightly and briefly.
Last Saturday night while a lot of us were at a conference in Sacramento, a homeschooling mom in Fresno died, leaving a mid-teen son. A haircut isn't death, and even though he's young, and he's sensitive, at some point it's not unreasonable for a parent to say "Sorry; it will grow back," and no more.
If we treat every haircut and messed-up Lego project as seriously as we treat death, blindness, miscarriage, then we're helping them live in fantasy world and not helping them find ways to be grateful for what they do have.
Some parents would have aid no, no haircut. My dad didn't want me to cut my hair ever. But my mom didn't want me to have bangs. Even the hair on my head was controlled, controlled. But your son had choices. And you are being sweet and kind to him. That was your move. Now his move needs to be NOT to make you feel guilty about that.
I haven't read the other responses. I hope no one recommended treating it like the end of the world. If he WANTED to keep it buzzed, you would need to cut it every couple of weeks. I used to shave Marty's head, protesting that I would rather not, every week or ten days, for years, when he looked like this: http://sandradodd.com/photo/martysolo.jpg
I would offer to pay for the barber, and Marty would ask me to just do it. (And his head was smoother than the photo. That had the rest of the family photoshopped out, by me… I shave better than I photoshop.)
Sandra