Don't get divorced so easily
Sandra Dodd
I've send this a couple of places already this morning. PLEASE, anyone who is even kind of sort of considering a separation, stop and think a long, long time.
What's below was posted today on Unschooling Basics, by Caren Knox-Hudley. It's big. Alex Polikowsky asked her for permission to share it. I've added it to my divorce page. http://sandradodd.com/divorce .
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For years, I believed that my parents' divorce was not harmful to me. When it happened, it felt like a relief�the house was so much LESS tense, there was more laughter.
I separated from my husband 9 years ago, still believing that I hadn't been harmed by divorce.
It's only been in the past couple of years that I've been able to acknowledge how deeply painful and damaging my parents' divorce was. Because of my obliviousness, I caused similar pain for my kids.
This hasn't been easy to feel.
Not every child will be harmed in a car crash, but that doesn't mean if a crash is avoidable, it's OK to ram our car into someone else's.
One thing I failed to consider when I was in such denial/ignorance/oblivion was this: How much better would it have been if my parents had bucked up, done the work to get closer and happier, and stayed together? What would I have learned about relationships, and commitment?
Given a choice between a miserable marriage and unhappy family life or divorce, divorce seems the better choice. But there are other choices, choices that CAN and DO and HAVE made the difference in peoples' relationships. There's the choice to grow your relationship and your marriage, and do what you can to make it as good as it can be.
I don't spend time mired in the past, wishing I had done things differently, but if I had known what I've learned after being on these unschooling lists - things about being generous, taking responsibility, helping create a peaceful home life, appreciating my husband - we would never have separated.
It is incredibly freakin' difficult being a single unschooling parent - and this is WITH the support of the boys' dads.
Caren
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Yahoo! Groups Links
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What's below was posted today on Unschooling Basics, by Caren Knox-Hudley. It's big. Alex Polikowsky asked her for permission to share it. I've added it to my divorce page. http://sandradodd.com/divorce .
-------------------------------
For years, I believed that my parents' divorce was not harmful to me. When it happened, it felt like a relief�the house was so much LESS tense, there was more laughter.
I separated from my husband 9 years ago, still believing that I hadn't been harmed by divorce.
It's only been in the past couple of years that I've been able to acknowledge how deeply painful and damaging my parents' divorce was. Because of my obliviousness, I caused similar pain for my kids.
This hasn't been easy to feel.
Not every child will be harmed in a car crash, but that doesn't mean if a crash is avoidable, it's OK to ram our car into someone else's.
One thing I failed to consider when I was in such denial/ignorance/oblivion was this: How much better would it have been if my parents had bucked up, done the work to get closer and happier, and stayed together? What would I have learned about relationships, and commitment?
Given a choice between a miserable marriage and unhappy family life or divorce, divorce seems the better choice. But there are other choices, choices that CAN and DO and HAVE made the difference in peoples' relationships. There's the choice to grow your relationship and your marriage, and do what you can to make it as good as it can be.
I don't spend time mired in the past, wishing I had done things differently, but if I had known what I've learned after being on these unschooling lists - things about being generous, taking responsibility, helping create a peaceful home life, appreciating my husband - we would never have separated.
It is incredibly freakin' difficult being a single unschooling parent - and this is WITH the support of the boys' dads.
Caren
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
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Marie Vijendran
My husband and I are proactively following the 10 week self study exercises
in Harville Hendrix's 'Getting the Love you want'. In this he describes his
Imago based therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imago_Therapy).
I trust my husband and I are committed enough we would never seriously
consider divorce and I know that through these exercises we are going to
get to know each other so much better and take our relationship to the next
level.
I can't recommend the book enough. I love Hendrix's explanation of how and
why we choose our spouses. Essentially we look for someone that reinforces
the patterns that we inherit or react to in childhood. So it ought not to
be any surprise that a few years into a marriage we start to react to the
way our partner behaves. Hendrix's conclusion is that it is uniquely
through marriage that we can heal each other i.e. we can only do so much
spiritual/emotional growth on our own.
The relevance to unschooling is that the techniques he suggests are all
about creating a truly safe environment for each other as spouses. My
belief is that if my husband and I can do this for each other then my
wholeheartedness about unschooling will be taken to a whole new level.
Anyway, I thoroughly recommend the book.
Marie
Mum to Leo (7) Chiara (5)
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in Harville Hendrix's 'Getting the Love you want'. In this he describes his
Imago based therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imago_Therapy).
I trust my husband and I are committed enough we would never seriously
consider divorce and I know that through these exercises we are going to
get to know each other so much better and take our relationship to the next
level.
I can't recommend the book enough. I love Hendrix's explanation of how and
why we choose our spouses. Essentially we look for someone that reinforces
the patterns that we inherit or react to in childhood. So it ought not to
be any surprise that a few years into a marriage we start to react to the
way our partner behaves. Hendrix's conclusion is that it is uniquely
through marriage that we can heal each other i.e. we can only do so much
spiritual/emotional growth on our own.
The relevance to unschooling is that the techniques he suggests are all
about creating a truly safe environment for each other as spouses. My
belief is that if my husband and I can do this for each other then my
wholeheartedness about unschooling will be taken to a whole new level.
Anyway, I thoroughly recommend the book.
Marie
Mum to Leo (7) Chiara (5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I can't recommend the book enough. I love Hendrix's explanation of how and
why we choose our spouses. Essentially we look for someone that reinforces
the patterns that we inherit or react to in childhood. So it ought not to
be any surprise that a few years into a marriage we start to react to the
way our partner behaves.-=-
Another thing happens, I think especially with men, but maybe with everyone. What I read was about men.
They become more like their fathers as they get older. There are genetic traits and tendencies that also have to do with how one ages and thinks, so although sometimes conscious decisions have been made to live in ways diffeerent from the dad (for a man), the behavioral drift might be toward the dad's way.
I am a lot like my dad's mom, but always have been, and I see some of her in me in new ways as the years go by. I only knew her from about the time she was about 50 years old, so early on I saw physical similarities, and interests and personality. But now that I'm moving into the corresponding decades of the time I knew her, I see other things.
Meanwhile, my sister is more like our mom all the time (and always was).
I'm not recommending people fight that nor accept it as an inevitability, just to put it into the data stream as a possibility and not to be shocked. :-)
Sandra
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why we choose our spouses. Essentially we look for someone that reinforces
the patterns that we inherit or react to in childhood. So it ought not to
be any surprise that a few years into a marriage we start to react to the
way our partner behaves.-=-
Another thing happens, I think especially with men, but maybe with everyone. What I read was about men.
They become more like their fathers as they get older. There are genetic traits and tendencies that also have to do with how one ages and thinks, so although sometimes conscious decisions have been made to live in ways diffeerent from the dad (for a man), the behavioral drift might be toward the dad's way.
I am a lot like my dad's mom, but always have been, and I see some of her in me in new ways as the years go by. I only knew her from about the time she was about 50 years old, so early on I saw physical similarities, and interests and personality. But now that I'm moving into the corresponding decades of the time I knew her, I see other things.
Meanwhile, my sister is more like our mom all the time (and always was).
I'm not recommending people fight that nor accept it as an inevitability, just to put it into the data stream as a possibility and not to be shocked. :-)
Sandra
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