Son asks for a rule
melgqd
Hi all,
I am the mother of 2 boys, 10 and 7. We have been unschooling for just over a year and a half. Prior to unschooling the kids were limited in several areas including tv and video games. They have not had limits for the majority of the last year and a half. Both boys spend most of their day using youtube, netflix or playing video games. I thought this was what they wanted and they were happy with it.
My 10 yo, Griffin, recently told me that he is frustrated that he can't seem to move forward on any of his projects because he can't stop himself from watching. He went on to describe that he wants to work on his various projects: custom legos, movies, trains etc, but when he is sitting watching Youtube or netflix he just doesn't, at that moment, want to stop. He is then angry that he didn't get anything done. This is very upsetting for him. He has asked that we establish a rule of no watching at a certain time during the day. My first reaction was to say I'd rather not have a rule, but then I told him I'd think about what to do. If he needs to set up some computer free time to do what he needs to do, then it seems like my job to help him get that. However I don't want to be a policeman, and I do have his brother to consider. He may want to continue watching during Griffin's computer free time. If there is a screen with a moving picture on it Griff is very distracted by it and can't work on his things.
I would appreciate thoughts about this.
I am the mother of 2 boys, 10 and 7. We have been unschooling for just over a year and a half. Prior to unschooling the kids were limited in several areas including tv and video games. They have not had limits for the majority of the last year and a half. Both boys spend most of their day using youtube, netflix or playing video games. I thought this was what they wanted and they were happy with it.
My 10 yo, Griffin, recently told me that he is frustrated that he can't seem to move forward on any of his projects because he can't stop himself from watching. He went on to describe that he wants to work on his various projects: custom legos, movies, trains etc, but when he is sitting watching Youtube or netflix he just doesn't, at that moment, want to stop. He is then angry that he didn't get anything done. This is very upsetting for him. He has asked that we establish a rule of no watching at a certain time during the day. My first reaction was to say I'd rather not have a rule, but then I told him I'd think about what to do. If he needs to set up some computer free time to do what he needs to do, then it seems like my job to help him get that. However I don't want to be a policeman, and I do have his brother to consider. He may want to continue watching during Griffin's computer free time. If there is a screen with a moving picture on it Griff is very distracted by it and can't work on his things.
I would appreciate thoughts about this.
Andrea Q
Set up a screen-free area in a quiet place where he can work on his projects. If he wants help staying away from the screen, support him. Ask him questions about what he's working on and get him the things he needs (tools, snacks, etc).
Andrea Q
Andrea Q
--- In [email protected], "melgqd" <boisei@...> wrote:
>
> Hi all,
> I am the mother of 2 boys, 10 and 7. We have been unschooling for just over a year and a half. Prior to unschooling the kids were limited in several areas including tv and video games. They have not had limits for the majority of the last year and a half. Both boys spend most of their day using youtube, netflix or playing video games. I thought this was what they wanted and they were happy with it.
>
> My 10 yo, Griffin, recently told me that he is frustrated that he can't seem to move forward on any of his projects because he can't stop himself from watching. He went on to describe that he wants to work on his various projects: custom legos, movies, trains etc, but when he is sitting watching Youtube or netflix he just doesn't, at that moment, want to stop. He is then angry that he didn't get anything done. This is very upsetting for him. He has asked that we establish a rule of no watching at a certain time during the day. My first reaction was to say I'd rather not have a rule, but then I told him I'd think about what to do. If he needs to set up some computer free time to do what he needs to do, then it seems like my job to help him get that. However I don't want to be a policeman, and I do have his brother to consider. He may want to continue watching during Griffin's computer free time. If there is a screen with a moving picture on it Griff is very distracted by it and can't work on his things.
>
> I would appreciate thoughts about this.
>
Joyce Fetteroll
> My 10 yo, Griffin, recently told me that he is frustrated thatKat went through that. She wanted to write her comics but the games and TV were more drawing. Eventually she outgrew the stage.
> he can't seem to move forward on any of his projects because
> he can't stop himself from watching
The problem is he wants/needs what he's getting from the videos and so forth. And also wants/needs a feeling of accomplishing something. A lot of it is being 10. 10-12 are big years for what kids get out of TV programs and video games. It might help to reassure him that he keeps watching because his brain is getting something it finds fascinating from it.
Rather than looking for a solution, try lots of different things: Help *him* explore different solutions. Suggest not turning the electronics on until a certain time in the day. Can the Legos be moved to a more central area and the electronics to a corner? Work with him to try different locations. Ask him what parts working and what isn't.
Can you rearrange and then take a weeks break from his usually routine to do neither? Go out a lot, swimming, exploring another town. Then come back to start up again.
Joyce
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Pam Laricchia
<< He has asked that we establish a rule of no watching at a certain time during the day. >>
That's a great insight into how he's thinking! He's noticed a problem that is frustrating him: not moving forward on his projects as much as he'd like
to. He's analyzed that and come up with a reason he thinks why that's happening: he's drawn into watching stuff and finds it hard to stop in favour of
his projects. And from there he's proposed a solution: a rule about not watching during certain times. Cool!
It's pretty typical for people, adult or child, to reach for a rule as their first response, especially when they've come from a rules-based
environment. Your son likely (and very logically) added those earlier experiences to the mix when trying to figure out a solution.
When you speak with him, you could talk about how the rule is one possible solution to try to help him spend more time with his projects (don't
present it as a sure-fire solution, it may well not do the trick, and he'll find there are really other reasons behind the frustration, this is his
first guess). Explain that there's a downside though, that his brother might not want the screen-off time, and he'd need to agree as well since it
would affect them both. Suggest that you guys brainstorm all sorts of ways to try to help him spend more time with his projects, keeping the rule as
the first idea - if you throw it out right off the bat, you'll may well give him the impression you're not really working *together*, that really, you
have the final say.
From there you guys can probably come up with all sorts of ideas:
- as was already suggested, another (screen-less) room all nicely set up for his projects so he can get started right away (maybe it's really the prep
that has been a barrier to his getting started)
- maybe he can work on his projects first thing when he wakes up, before he starts watching
- or maybe use a natural transition, like after breakfast, or lunch (and you can help by making a nice meal and inviting him to eat away from the
screen - make it a fun transition time somehow)
- would he like to open up project time to his brother as well?
- you could offer to do the projects with him, that might be more enticing than feeling like he's going off on his to do stuff
... just a few ideas to help you get started.
And if you do end up trying out the rule, let him know that you're happy to remind him about it, but you won't become an "enforcer". Try it and see
what happens. If you say "Okay, it's 3pm, time to turn off the tv. You guys wanted to work on your projects at 3pm for an hour." And they kick up a
fuss, "No!! We're busy watching XXX!" You can giggle and reply "Okay, okay, I guess we'll go back to that brainstorming list!" And sit and watch with
them. :-)
Bonus - they've learned a bit more about themselves.
Pam
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That's a great insight into how he's thinking! He's noticed a problem that is frustrating him: not moving forward on his projects as much as he'd like
to. He's analyzed that and come up with a reason he thinks why that's happening: he's drawn into watching stuff and finds it hard to stop in favour of
his projects. And from there he's proposed a solution: a rule about not watching during certain times. Cool!
It's pretty typical for people, adult or child, to reach for a rule as their first response, especially when they've come from a rules-based
environment. Your son likely (and very logically) added those earlier experiences to the mix when trying to figure out a solution.
When you speak with him, you could talk about how the rule is one possible solution to try to help him spend more time with his projects (don't
present it as a sure-fire solution, it may well not do the trick, and he'll find there are really other reasons behind the frustration, this is his
first guess). Explain that there's a downside though, that his brother might not want the screen-off time, and he'd need to agree as well since it
would affect them both. Suggest that you guys brainstorm all sorts of ways to try to help him spend more time with his projects, keeping the rule as
the first idea - if you throw it out right off the bat, you'll may well give him the impression you're not really working *together*, that really, you
have the final say.
From there you guys can probably come up with all sorts of ideas:
- as was already suggested, another (screen-less) room all nicely set up for his projects so he can get started right away (maybe it's really the prep
that has been a barrier to his getting started)
- maybe he can work on his projects first thing when he wakes up, before he starts watching
- or maybe use a natural transition, like after breakfast, or lunch (and you can help by making a nice meal and inviting him to eat away from the
screen - make it a fun transition time somehow)
- would he like to open up project time to his brother as well?
- you could offer to do the projects with him, that might be more enticing than feeling like he's going off on his to do stuff
... just a few ideas to help you get started.
And if you do end up trying out the rule, let him know that you're happy to remind him about it, but you won't become an "enforcer". Try it and see
what happens. If you say "Okay, it's 3pm, time to turn off the tv. You guys wanted to work on your projects at 3pm for an hour." And they kick up a
fuss, "No!! We're busy watching XXX!" You can giggle and reply "Okay, okay, I guess we'll go back to that brainstorming list!" And sit and watch with
them. :-)
Bonus - they've learned a bit more about themselves.
Pam
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Sandra Dodd
-=- Suggest that you guys brainstorm all sorts of ways to try to help him spend more time with his projects, keeping the rule as
the first idea - if you throw it out right off the bat, you'll may well give him the impression you're not really working *together*, that really, you
have the final say.-=-
. . .
-=-And if you do end up trying out the rule, let him know that you're happy to remind him about it, but you won't become an "enforcer". -=-
I think as a mom I would be able to have the final say on whether I would participate in the creation of "a rule," though.
Unless the mother is pressing the child to watch TV or play video games, he has a choice. And if he wants her to take that choice away from him, I don't think it's necessarily good for the mom to agree to that.
I think if that had happened at our house, I would have put the computer in a side room and ask the computer-using child to use headphones so the sound wasn't a draw for the other one, and then spend a lot of time with the one who was feeling unsettled, providing him space and materials and attention (0r privacy, depending which he wanted) and maybe document/photograph some of his projects, and make a big deal (if he wanted) about his progress.
Sandra
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the first idea - if you throw it out right off the bat, you'll may well give him the impression you're not really working *together*, that really, you
have the final say.-=-
. . .
-=-And if you do end up trying out the rule, let him know that you're happy to remind him about it, but you won't become an "enforcer". -=-
I think as a mom I would be able to have the final say on whether I would participate in the creation of "a rule," though.
Unless the mother is pressing the child to watch TV or play video games, he has a choice. And if he wants her to take that choice away from him, I don't think it's necessarily good for the mom to agree to that.
I think if that had happened at our house, I would have put the computer in a side room and ask the computer-using child to use headphones so the sound wasn't a draw for the other one, and then spend a lot of time with the one who was feeling unsettled, providing him space and materials and attention (0r privacy, depending which he wanted) and maybe document/photograph some of his projects, and make a big deal (if he wanted) about his progress.
Sandra
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Meredith
"Andrea Q" <aldq75@...> wrote:
It used to be the computer with the internet connection was set up in my sewing studio - and I had a hard time getting much sewing done. Moving the internet to the living room helped in a number of ways. I got more sewing down, and it's easier to socialize with whomever is on the internet.
It might also help this guy to have a schedule or make lists - I know that if I don't have a list it's easy for me to get sidetracked. If I have a list of what I want to get done in a particular day I may still get sidetracked but it's usually onto another part of my list rather than the internet.
---Meredith
>****************
> Set up a screen-free area in a quiet place where he can work on his projects.
It used to be the computer with the internet connection was set up in my sewing studio - and I had a hard time getting much sewing done. Moving the internet to the living room helped in a number of ways. I got more sewing down, and it's easier to socialize with whomever is on the internet.
It might also help this guy to have a schedule or make lists - I know that if I don't have a list it's easy for me to get sidetracked. If I have a list of what I want to get done in a particular day I may still get sidetracked but it's usually onto another part of my list rather than the internet.
---Meredith
Pam Laricchia
<< Unless the mother is pressing the child to watch TV or play video games, he has a choice. And if he wants her to take that choice away from him, I
don't think it's necessarily good for the mom to agree to that. >>
I can see that. Better to see it as a reminder, rather than a rule.
<< spend a lot of time with the one who was feeling unsettled, providing him space and materials and attention (0r privacy, depending which he wanted)
and maybe document/photograph some of his projects, and make a big deal (if he wanted) about his progress. >>
Definitely lots of this.
Pam
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don't think it's necessarily good for the mom to agree to that. >>
I can see that. Better to see it as a reminder, rather than a rule.
<< spend a lot of time with the one who was feeling unsettled, providing him space and materials and attention (0r privacy, depending which he wanted)
and maybe document/photograph some of his projects, and make a big deal (if he wanted) about his progress. >>
Definitely lots of this.
Pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]