Very new to unschooling
michellesalinas31
Hi everyone,
I am very new to unschooling as I have been reading as much as possible. So questions have come up that I am struggling withas a result of my research. So heres a bit of background. My family consists of my husband, myself and our 3 girls ages 12, 10 &6. We pulled our kids out of PS in november because they were being verbally abused by staff and peers. My biggest concern has always been for my oldest daughter who often gravitates toward people who berate or belittle her. Since we began first with homeschooling I found myself in a constant struggle to get her to do anything school like. I spoke with a local support group who suggested deschooling. That was a few months ago. Since then I have found myself really loving the idea of unschooling. It is a change in the way we think and look at the world. I have found though that I tend to gravitate back to an authoritarian parenting style when I dont get my way or the kids dont do what I feel is appropriate at any given time :( I am working on this and I am catching myself more often so that is a plus. My main question is I have read that unschooling is about giving choices and trusting your kids to make choices that are best for them. My oldest daughter is very happy but when we get around other people she acts very differently. She wears black makeup and acts very dark. She has even gone as far as cutting herself with a thumbtack as a way of getting attention from her peers. We have talked to her about the dangers involved with this behavior and told her how much we love her but I am scared to be quite honest. How do I trust her and give her freedom when she may be hurting herself? Also how do I get her to understand that she will be loved and accepted for who she is without all the drama? Then, is this who she is? Am I not allowing her to be herself by telling her this not okay with me? Im so lost! I have taken away her makeup and her attitude has gotten better but I really feel conflicted I want to allow her to express herself with makeup but when she does I have a hard time accepting who she becomes. Help!
I am very new to unschooling as I have been reading as much as possible. So questions have come up that I am struggling withas a result of my research. So heres a bit of background. My family consists of my husband, myself and our 3 girls ages 12, 10 &6. We pulled our kids out of PS in november because they were being verbally abused by staff and peers. My biggest concern has always been for my oldest daughter who often gravitates toward people who berate or belittle her. Since we began first with homeschooling I found myself in a constant struggle to get her to do anything school like. I spoke with a local support group who suggested deschooling. That was a few months ago. Since then I have found myself really loving the idea of unschooling. It is a change in the way we think and look at the world. I have found though that I tend to gravitate back to an authoritarian parenting style when I dont get my way or the kids dont do what I feel is appropriate at any given time :( I am working on this and I am catching myself more often so that is a plus. My main question is I have read that unschooling is about giving choices and trusting your kids to make choices that are best for them. My oldest daughter is very happy but when we get around other people she acts very differently. She wears black makeup and acts very dark. She has even gone as far as cutting herself with a thumbtack as a way of getting attention from her peers. We have talked to her about the dangers involved with this behavior and told her how much we love her but I am scared to be quite honest. How do I trust her and give her freedom when she may be hurting herself? Also how do I get her to understand that she will be loved and accepted for who she is without all the drama? Then, is this who she is? Am I not allowing her to be herself by telling her this not okay with me? Im so lost! I have taken away her makeup and her attitude has gotten better but I really feel conflicted I want to allow her to express herself with makeup but when she does I have a hard time accepting who she becomes. Help!
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jun 11, 2012, at 12:24 PM, michellesalinas31 wrote:
They will often experience more of how the world works from the choices that aren't perfect.
The goth or emo or whatever look could be her exploring a way of viewing the world.
Cutting can be a reaction to having had to pretend thoughts and feelings that the parent wants the child to have. If you have the habit of telling her she's wrong to think a certain way about things or people, that what she likes or doesn't like is wrong, she's had to stuff down who she really is to put on the face you're trying to get her to put on.
If she says she doesn't like one of her siblings, how do you react? If she likes a song or show you think is inappropriate, what's your response?
What will help is accepting who she is. Right now, who she is is someone who is hurting. You can't fix it. Just as you can't fix a broken leg. It needs rest and support to heal. You can give her a comfortable nest to recover in.
If you've often tried to get her to change her thoughts or likes, then what your actions have said to her is "I don't like who you are. I want you to be some who likes this and thinks like this."
http://tinyurl.com/3mnbf52
There really isn't a better book about the relationships with teens.
Joyce
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> My main question is I have read that unschooling is aboutI may have said it that way occasionally. I think clearer is that kids make choices they believe will meet a want or need. Each time they experience a choice they've made, they learn more about themselves, about what they like and don't like, how the world works, and they get better at making decisions.
> giving choices and trusting your kids to make choices that are best for them.
They will often experience more of how the world works from the choices that aren't perfect.
> My oldest daughter is very happy but when we get around other people she actsIf that's the reason, it will help not to label it attention. It's more likely acceptance that she's looking for. If she has more people to interact with, then she'll have less need of their acceptance. Give her plenty of options to explore, especially getting her around other kids.
> very differently. She wears black makeup and acts very dark. She has even gone
> as far as cutting herself with a thumbtack as a way of getting attention from her peers.
The goth or emo or whatever look could be her exploring a way of viewing the world.
Cutting can be a reaction to having had to pretend thoughts and feelings that the parent wants the child to have. If you have the habit of telling her she's wrong to think a certain way about things or people, that what she likes or doesn't like is wrong, she's had to stuff down who she really is to put on the face you're trying to get her to put on.
If she says she doesn't like one of her siblings, how do you react? If she likes a song or show you think is inappropriate, what's your response?
What will help is accepting who she is. Right now, who she is is someone who is hurting. You can't fix it. Just as you can't fix a broken leg. It needs rest and support to heal. You can give her a comfortable nest to recover in.
> We have talked to her about the dangers involved with this behaviorIt's hard to accept that someone is doing something that seems to make no sense. It will help you not respond like that if you imagine what might make you feel so helpless and frustrated that you would do something so extreme.
> and told her how much we love herAs they say, actions speak louder than words. If your actions are saying something different *from her point of view* then the words don't mean much.
If you've often tried to get her to change her thoughts or likes, then what your actions have said to her is "I don't like who you are. I want you to be some who likes this and thinks like this."
> How do I trust her and give her freedom when she may be hurting herself?Right this moment, order Parent/Teen Breakthrough: the relationship approach by Mira Kirchenbaum. It will tell you exactly how to do that.
http://tinyurl.com/3mnbf52
There really isn't a better book about the relationships with teens.
Joyce
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BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<<". She wears black makeup and acts very dark".
"How do I trust her and give her freedom when she may be hurting herself?"
"Also how do I get her to understand that she will be loved and accepted for who she is without all the drama? Then, is this who she is? Am I not allowing her to be herself by telling her this not okay with me? Im so lost! I have taken away her makeup and her attitude has gotten better but I really feel conflicted I want to allow her to express herself with makeup but when she does I have a hard time accepting who she becomes. Help!">>>>>>>
Can you read the contradictions here?
It maybe who she is or it maybe that her reacting to you not accepting her dark makeup.
Why not explore some dark make up with her? Try different things. Maybe she even wants to add some funky colors to some of her hair.
You cannot make her feel loved and accepted but if you are not being loving and accepting of her that is not going to happen will it?
You both need a lot more deschooling.
Here is a place to start some great reading:
http://sandradodd.com/help%c2%a0
In the mean while be really loving and accepting, Support her, maybe she is exploring and you can do it right along with her. Maybe it could be fun to dress up and wear some dark make up with her and go out to the movies together, or just ice-cream!
I know my daughter loves to do those things with me.
We have matching sandals and she loves when I put make up on her and me !
Bond with her. Discover of her other passions! get to know her and remember something Sandra says:
""Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"How do I trust her and give her freedom when she may be hurting herself?"
"Also how do I get her to understand that she will be loved and accepted for who she is without all the drama? Then, is this who she is? Am I not allowing her to be herself by telling her this not okay with me? Im so lost! I have taken away her makeup and her attitude has gotten better but I really feel conflicted I want to allow her to express herself with makeup but when she does I have a hard time accepting who she becomes. Help!">>>>>>>
Can you read the contradictions here?
It maybe who she is or it maybe that her reacting to you not accepting her dark makeup.
Why not explore some dark make up with her? Try different things. Maybe she even wants to add some funky colors to some of her hair.
You cannot make her feel loved and accepted but if you are not being loving and accepting of her that is not going to happen will it?
You both need a lot more deschooling.
Here is a place to start some great reading:
http://sandradodd.com/help%c2%a0
In the mean while be really loving and accepting, Support her, maybe she is exploring and you can do it right along with her. Maybe it could be fun to dress up and wear some dark make up with her and go out to the movies together, or just ice-cream!
I know my daughter loves to do those things with me.
We have matching sandals and she loves when I put make up on her and me !
Bond with her. Discover of her other passions! get to know her and remember something Sandra says:
""Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]