Alysia

==there were many times I bit my tongue or wandered off to another room because I could see (or thought I
could see) what was coming with the way he was interacting.==

Ok, I've been doing this a lot but it's really hard sometimes.


==I learned that he and the kids would often work things out their ways - and
it might involve more unhappiness in the moment than if I'd been
engineering it but that they developed skills that made their relationships
really really good as time passed.==


I do understand that I need to let my husband establish his own relationship with the kids with their own rules and boundaries but I also feel the need to protect and save my children.


==What would you want him to step in and do, really? As your partner?
To create a more loving and peaceful environment?==

Yes, create a more loving and peaceful environment. I would want him to say something to me like, "Hey, you seem to be getting angry or frustrated. Let me handle this." Or, like was suggested, just step in and handle whatever it is gently. I do try to do that but then he thinks I'm undermining him because I'm not presenting that united front that parents are supposed to present to their kids. I guess I can see how he'd feel that way because I usually don't agree with whatever line he's drawn in the sand. If I step in, I don't usually enforce whatever he's trying to do. I don't know how else to do that. The few times when I've tried to just back him up because the kids look at me wondering why I'm not helping them and it doesn't feel good or loving or peaceful to me.

 
Alysia

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 14, 2012, at 5:52 PM, Alysia wrote:

> Or, like was suggested, just step in and handle whatever it is
> gently. I do try to do that but then he thinks I'm undermining him

He's going to react to what he perceives, not to your intent. He's a different person. His needs are different from yours.

> I'm not presenting that united front that parents are supposed to present to their kids. I guess I can see how he'd feel that way because I usually don't agree with whatever line he's drawn in the sand.


How about letting him know that you don't want him to treat the kids in ways he doesn't agree with. And you don't want to do that either. So you'll let him handle the situations between him and the kids and you'll handle the situations between you and the kids.

If the kids try to go around him, let them know calmly and sweetly that it's between him and them.

But, again, the more you can change the atmosphere so he's not getting into such situations, the fewer he'll have to deal with and the more patience he'll have for the ones he does end up in. The more you can side track, before they get to the point where he's getting upset, the better.

Also involve them in the process. Let them know the things that bother him and help them think ahead and do those things before he gets home.

Are there some specific examples you can give?

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]