Scott P. Cook

Last week a new boy joined my 9yo son's gymnastics team. We've seen
this boy at many competitions and he's very good! He was immediately
accepted by most of the boys on the team, and there seemed to be little
insecurity about his advanced abilities, but then yesterday my son told
me that one of the lower scoring boys on the team had whispered
something to him about the new boy. It was one sentence, containing 3
not nice words, and was a very ugly thing to say. The boy who said it
is a really nice kid, and I attribute it to a degree of resentment
toward this new and very talented boy. But it made me think about
something. My kids routinely tell me EVERYTHING that is said by their
friends and others. It doesn't matter how bad it is, they tell me.
Sometimes they're laughing and think it's funny, sometimes they sound
disapproving. At home, little is off limits in our house. Curse words
are tolerated, we have few TV limits, any topic is open for discussion,
and we hide nothing from our kids. We do expect very nice public
behavior, however, and we get it. I'm wondering if our laid back
attitude at home is responsible for our kids willingness to pass on so
much to us. They never have to worry that we'll tell another parent
that their child behaved badly, or that we'll look down on a friend for
saying something socially unacceptable, or that we'll cut down on social
time due to another child's "bad influence". Anybody else have any
thoughts or experience on this topic? If this is part of the reason we
hear so much, then conversely, parents who have strict rules at home
must hear very little about the things their kids are exposed to. I
know my mother was extremely strict, and I would have been scared to
death to tell her the things my kids tell me.

Laurel in Burke, VA


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Laurel A. Summerfield (scottcook@...)
Burke, Virginia USA
703-978-8390
703-978-8233 fax




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In a message dated 5/2/02 3:36:07 PM, scottcook@... writes:

<< They never have to worry that we'll tell another parent
that their child behaved badly, or that we'll look down on a friend for
saying something socially unacceptable, or that we'll cut down on social
time due to another child's "bad influence". Anybody else have any
thoughts or experience on this topic? >>

Our kids confide in us too, and their friends are over here a lot.

If I have a problem with their friends' behavior I rarely talk to the mom
(unless it's a pretty young kid), but just directly with the kid.

<< If this is part of the reason we
hear so much, then conversely, parents who have strict rules at home
must hear very little about the things their kids are exposed to. >>

That's my experience with strict parents too. They set so many rules that
the kids don't feel like talking to them after a while, or they "talk" to
them but they're just saying "yes sir," and "yes ma'am" and nothing of real
depth or import.

Sandra

Sharon Rudd

but they're just saying "yes sir," and "yes
> ma'am" and nothing of real
> depth or import.

Some parents seem to feel that IS what is MOST
import(tant).

Sharon of the Swamp

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joanna514

Anybody else have any
> thoughts or experience on this topic? If this is part of the
reason we
> hear so much, then conversely, parents who have strict rules at home
> must hear very little about the things their kids are exposed to. I
> know my mother was extremely strict, and I would have been scared to
> death to tell her the things my kids tell me.
>
> Laurel in Burke, VA
>

My dd 11 told me she felt sorry for her friends because they will
talk to her about things that are bothering them, and she will
suggest that they talk to their mom, and they act like she is crazy
or say things like "she wouldn't understand". She said she couldn't
imagine not having me to tell everything too.
When I've talked to my friends, I have been really suprised when they
wonder what their kids know about things(like sex or other social
issues). They don't take the time to ask or don't have their
relationship intact to get real answers from their kids
It makes me realize those commercials that tell us all to "talk to
our kids" aren't really such a stupid, patronizing idea.
Joanna