Michal

I have a question. I have 3 boys 9,8, and 6 in one week. The 9 year old is always eager to help lend a hand. Sweep and take the trash out sort of thing. The younger two, not so much. I end up asking him more than the others, because I know he will be willing. I don't want to take advantage of him. Is there any way of making this more equal without forcing my agenda on all of them? For what it is worth, he actually seems to enjoy helping most of the time, and will literally ask me if I have any "jobs" for him to do.

Joyce Fetteroll

On Mar 19, 2012, at 2:34 PM, Michal wrote:

> I end up asking him more than the others, because
> I know he will be willing. I don't want to take advantage of him.

But if it's something he enjoys, how are you taking advantage of him?

It seems you're seeing the tasks as a negative and he doesn't. You're seeing it through your eyes rather than his.

Do keep asking your other kids to keep the doors to joining you open, but if he wants to do it, let him :-)

If he wanted to make dessert every day, would you be worried that the other kids weren't relieving him of some of the burden?

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

 
<<<"I have a question. I have 3 boys 9,8, and 6 in one week. The 9 year old is always eager to help lend a hand. Sweep and take the trash out sort of thing. The younger two, not so much. I end up asking him more than the others, because I know he will be willing. I don't want to take advantage of him. Is there any way of making this more equal without forcing my agenda on all of them? For what it is worth, he actually seems to enjoy helping most of the time, and will literally ask me if I have any "jobs" for him to do.">>>>

_-=-=-=-

WHy do you want it to be more equal?
If your oldest can say  no when he is asked to help, if he does not feel he has to  say yes, than  why can't he help more if that is how he likes?

Here:

http://sandradodd.com/chores/%c2%a0


Alex Polikowsky




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Is there any way of making this more equal without forcing my agenda on all of them?-=-

What is your agenda?
Try not to have one. :-)

Anytime you hear yourself using an idiomatic expressing ("forcing my agenda on them")--a phrase that comes as thought it were all one word--rethink and rephrase in your own words. Very often, that will answer the question. People get stuck on something, some idea, some prejudice, some fear, and if they and rephrase it, it's like laying it out in the sun to dry.

Yesterday someone used "selfish." By rephrasing it to herself, I think the question would have dissolved to some extent.

When people ask "what about socialization?" if you ask them to clarify, sometimes their question dissipates.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Michal

I think that is it! I see those jobs as negative, which is why I want help with them, and think they need to be evenly dispersed. Jack sees them as interesting (at least for now:) I guess I was trying to make a problem where there wasn't one, I seem to be good at that.

--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Mar 19, 2012, at 2:34 PM, Michal wrote:
>
> > I end up asking him more than the others, because
> > I know he will be willing. I don't want to take advantage of him.
>
> But if it's something he enjoys, how are you taking advantage of him?
>
> It seems you're seeing the tasks as a negative and he doesn't. You're seeing it through your eyes rather than his.
>
> Do keep asking your other kids to keep the doors to joining you open, but if he wants to do it, let him :-)
>
> If he wanted to make dessert every day, would you be worried that the other kids weren't relieving him of some of the burden?
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-I see those jobs as negative, which is why I want help with them-=-

If he's helping for fun, that's sweet.
If you're asking for help, or if you think that if one kid can volunteer the other two should too, then you're on the traditional path to bad relationships and resentment, and for your children to see the jobs as negative, too.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Michal

He volunteers at times, at other times I ask. I think I ask cause I know he will agree to it. That is where I think I am taking advantage of his good will. He is free to say no, I just don't know if he will. He really likes making us happy. Once again, the other two, not so much:) I will ask him if he likes helping me, or if he is just doing this to make me happy, and let him know I am happy with him either way. I will try not to pester the other two about helping. They can be helpful, and I really do appreciate it so much more when they are helping willingly than if they feel dragged into it.

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-I see those jobs as negative, which is why I want help with them-=-
>
> If he's helping for fun, that's sweet.
> If you're asking for help, or if you think that if one kid can volunteer the other two should too, then you're on the traditional path to bad relationships and resentment, and for your children to see the jobs as negative, too.
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-I will ask him if he likes helping me, or if he is just doing this to make me happy, and let him know I am happy with him either way.-=-


If you mean you already do ask him occasionally, I don't think you should.
If you mean you intend to ask him, I wouldn't.

Just be sweet, and be a good person. If you ARE taking advantage of him, don't.
If it's fun to do things together, say that.

Meanwhile, try to gain more happiness about doing things for others. Because however it was extinguished in you, you're in danger of the possibility of 1) doing it to your kids, and 2) feeling that way for the rest of your life.
You don't need to.

And even though these links have the word "chores," it helps not to use that word if you can help it.

http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift
http://sandradodd.com/chores/shift

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]