Helping Kids through Changes
Angela
We are in the process of putting our house on the market and looking for a new house, and my middle child gets very upset and emotional about it. Any change bothers her. And this is huge.
I understand enough not to try and tell her how great it will be to be in a (insert any positive adjective here) house, but beyond that I'm not sure how to ease the transition for her.
To give an idea of where she is coming from: we replaced two old, ugly, worn, hand-me-down love seats with a sectional sofa that we can all snuggle up on together. She spent hours crying, sucking her thumb (though she had never once sucked her thumb before), and bouncing on the love seats the night we put them on the curb. Two years later she will still say, "I like the new sofa, but I miss the old ones."
I wish there were a way we could just buy a new house and move in before we had to sell this one. Not that it would make her miss this one less, but I think pulling up old carpets, painting walls, etc. (all the things we need to do to this house to get it ready to sell) is just going to add to the trauma for her.
So, I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to make it easier for her. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Angela in NJ
with Joseph, 9; Hannah, 7; and Miriam, 4
I understand enough not to try and tell her how great it will be to be in a (insert any positive adjective here) house, but beyond that I'm not sure how to ease the transition for her.
To give an idea of where she is coming from: we replaced two old, ugly, worn, hand-me-down love seats with a sectional sofa that we can all snuggle up on together. She spent hours crying, sucking her thumb (though she had never once sucked her thumb before), and bouncing on the love seats the night we put them on the curb. Two years later she will still say, "I like the new sofa, but I miss the old ones."
I wish there were a way we could just buy a new house and move in before we had to sell this one. Not that it would make her miss this one less, but I think pulling up old carpets, painting walls, etc. (all the things we need to do to this house to get it ready to sell) is just going to add to the trauma for her.
So, I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to make it easier for her. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Angela in NJ
with Joseph, 9; Hannah, 7; and Miriam, 4
Sandra Dodd
-=-I understand enough not to try and tell her how great it will be to be in a (insert any positive adjective here) house, but beyond that I'm not sure how to ease the transition for her.-=-
It's possible some things can't be eased by others, or changed or fixed.
My best idea at the moment is to try to communicate that what's important is that your family will still be together and that you would still be a family even if you lived in a tent or if you moved to another continent or to a space colony.
Maybe stories (or movies; you're busy getting ready to move) about families uprooted or on adventures would help. And I don't know of good ones, but maybe other people here can name some.
Swiss Family Robinson might be too old-timey for her.
What's the English one about the kids being moved out of the big cities during WWII?
What are some movies she might watch to be distracted and re-focussed on family during the transition?
Take pictures of the old house that she can look at when she's older, but don't dwell on them now.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It's possible some things can't be eased by others, or changed or fixed.
My best idea at the moment is to try to communicate that what's important is that your family will still be together and that you would still be a family even if you lived in a tent or if you moved to another continent or to a space colony.
Maybe stories (or movies; you're busy getting ready to move) about families uprooted or on adventures would help. And I don't know of good ones, but maybe other people here can name some.
Swiss Family Robinson might be too old-timey for her.
What's the English one about the kids being moved out of the big cities during WWII?
What are some movies she might watch to be distracted and re-focussed on family during the transition?
Take pictures of the old house that she can look at when she's older, but don't dwell on them now.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary Whited
On Sun, Mar 18, 2012 at 7:25 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
London to escape the bombing.
We just this week bought a new house and moved. The kids (12, 8, 5) were
part of the process of shopping for, viewing and approving the new house
before we moved forward with it. Still my middle child remained pensive.
He's one to resist change more than the others.
What seems to have helped him during this transition is to make sure he is
free to express his conflicting emotions. I'm 46 and find these same
conflicting emotions rather destabilizing; I suspect it is even more
difficult when one is 8.
So he and I have talked about that. We talked about what we will miss about
the old house. We talk about what we look forward to with the new one. And
we talk about how interesting it is that we humans can hold two somewhat
conflicting views.
He seems to have dealt well with the change. I *think* some of it has to do
with feeling free to feel what he feels. No one has tried to convince him
that his feelings about the change are wrong or silly. No one has tried to
convince him that life will be completely rosy and conflict free at the new
house.
So far he's said he's happy with the new house even while expressing
sadness over leaving the old one. That's ok. I feel exactly the same way.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> **Narnia the kids who travel to Narnia are in that situation; sent away from
>
>
> Swiss Family Robinson might be too old-timey for her.
> What's the English one about the kids being moved out of the big cities
> during WWII?
>
> Not sure if it is what you are thinking of, but in The Chronicles of
London to escape the bombing.
We just this week bought a new house and moved. The kids (12, 8, 5) were
part of the process of shopping for, viewing and approving the new house
before we moved forward with it. Still my middle child remained pensive.
He's one to resist change more than the others.
What seems to have helped him during this transition is to make sure he is
free to express his conflicting emotions. I'm 46 and find these same
conflicting emotions rather destabilizing; I suspect it is even more
difficult when one is 8.
So he and I have talked about that. We talked about what we will miss about
the old house. We talk about what we look forward to with the new one. And
we talk about how interesting it is that we humans can hold two somewhat
conflicting views.
He seems to have dealt well with the change. I *think* some of it has to do
with feeling free to feel what he feels. No one has tried to convince him
that his feelings about the change are wrong or silly. No one has tried to
convince him that life will be completely rosy and conflict free at the new
house.
So far he's said he's happy with the new house even while expressing
sadness over leaving the old one. That's ok. I feel exactly the same way.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lalow
My middle also had thke most trouble with our move to another house almost 5 years ago. He stills talks about it, he was only 4. Honestly, I still miss it too. It represents another time period in our lives, when our family was smaller, and perhaps a little simpler and i have actually daydreamed that it come back on the market and we would buy it back. My oldest has talked about buying it when he grows up. It was a regular house, nothing so very special but it was their first home that they remember, it takes time to create a new memories, new attachments. But they do happen. I think about all the houses and appartments that i have lived in throughout my often mostly happily.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Maybe get her excited about the new place?
There is a fun show ( well I like it anyways!) called House Hunters and House Hunters International on the HGTV channel
where people are looking to buy a house and they look at 3 houses and pick one.
Maybe she would like that???
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
There is a fun show ( well I like it anyways!) called House Hunters and House Hunters International on the HGTV channel
where people are looking to buy a house and they look at 3 houses and pick one.
Maybe she would like that???
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenni Feingold
if its a local move maybe find libraries, and favorite haunts in the new location. we usually move 1k miles or more so have to do it all online however with google maps you can walk many neighborhoods.
jenni mama to Brenna (18) Lexi (12) Jack (8) Rory (6) & Finn (3) and stepmama to Aidan (12)
Lana Bella handcrafted soaps, artisanal teas, herbal salves, and bath teas, salts & scrubs
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jenni mama to Brenna (18) Lexi (12) Jack (8) Rory (6) & Finn (3) and stepmama to Aidan (12)
Lana Bella handcrafted soaps, artisanal teas, herbal salves, and bath teas, salts & scrubs
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sarah
A few thoughts -
"You really miss the old sofa." instead of "But isn't the new sofa so much nicer?" "look how we can all cuddle up in the old sofa", etc. Let her feelings of loss exist without trying to change them, and maybe that will help her process them if she can let them really flow out of her. I read in your post that you might already be doing that.
Maybe she can talk about what specifically she misses about the old sofa. Perhaps there was a special smell to it, or perhaps the fabric was extra soft on her skin. Maybe you and she can go to the fabric store and find a fabric that reminds her of the old sofa, or a blanket that she can use on the new sofa...
Can she be involved in the changes? Can she help pick the new carpet, new paint colors for the walls, new furniture?
Can you save swatches of the old carpet? Keep a board painted with the old paint colors? Can she have a camera and start a scrap book of the old house for herself? Maybe make a dollhouse that reminds her of her old house?
I don't know if any of that would help, or hurt. I know for my own kids I would sit with their pain, listen, let it pass like a storm- when it's ready.
� sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"You really miss the old sofa." instead of "But isn't the new sofa so much nicer?" "look how we can all cuddle up in the old sofa", etc. Let her feelings of loss exist without trying to change them, and maybe that will help her process them if she can let them really flow out of her. I read in your post that you might already be doing that.
Maybe she can talk about what specifically she misses about the old sofa. Perhaps there was a special smell to it, or perhaps the fabric was extra soft on her skin. Maybe you and she can go to the fabric store and find a fabric that reminds her of the old sofa, or a blanket that she can use on the new sofa...
Can she be involved in the changes? Can she help pick the new carpet, new paint colors for the walls, new furniture?
Can you save swatches of the old carpet? Keep a board painted with the old paint colors? Can she have a camera and start a scrap book of the old house for herself? Maybe make a dollhouse that reminds her of her old house?
I don't know if any of that would help, or hurt. I know for my own kids I would sit with their pain, listen, let it pass like a storm- when it's ready.
� sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
heather
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
I wish you and your family the best in your move.
*Heather
> Maybe stories (or movies; you're busy getting ready to move) about families uprooted or on adventures would help. And I don't know of good ones, but maybe other people here can name some.My 4yo is really loving a book called "Alexander, Who's Not (Do you hear me? I mean it!) Going to Move" by Judith Viorst. He likes me to read it over and over. I remember this book from when I was growing up. Its a picture book (about 15 pages long). The main character in the book is upset about leaving people and places that are familiar to him. His parents are very sweet through it all and help him find ways to feel better about the move. In the end he agrees to start packing and feels okay about moving.
>
I wish you and your family the best in your move.
*Heather
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Miliana
We'll be moving soon, as well. Both kids are excited about it AND upset, mostly because they'll miss having Grannie next door. I'll miss that, too.
I have followed this thread with interest so thanks to the OP for bringing it up and thanks for everyone's replies & suggestions.
Aloha,
Miliana
Sent from my iPhone; please excuse typos and auto corrections.
I have followed this thread with interest so thanks to the OP for bringing it up and thanks for everyone's replies & suggestions.
Aloha,
Miliana
Sent from my iPhone; please excuse typos and auto corrections.
Marta Pires
We'll be moving soon too, so thanks to the original poster for posting
because I had the chance to collect some ideas that might help us make the
move as comfortable as possible for everyone involved, but especially for
our 2 year old Constança, who is a homebody and loves our current house.
Sorry for hijacking the post (if the moderators think it's better for me to
start a new thread, I'll do it), but it would be useful for me if other
ideas were discussed, considering that the ages are different, which
reminds me that I also wanted to ask if the suggestions posted so far would
work with a toddler.
Sandra wrote:
««It's possible some things can't be eased by others, or changed or
fixed.»»
This was really important for me to read and think about, as it applies to
a lot of what happens daily in life, and since unfortunately, I have a
tendency to want to ease and fix and change everything for everyone - I'm
working on it, with the help of this amazing discussion list plus thinking
a lot about it, talking with my husband, watching our daughter and living
life.
««My best idea at the moment is to try to communicate that what's important
is that your family will still be together and that you would still be a
family even if you lived in a tent or if you moved to another continent or
to a space colony.»»
Yes to this too, great idea and something I can do with Constança, but
maybe keep it shorter and more concise since she's still so young? This is
also important for me to keep in mind, because I tend to become very
emotional in these situations, so it'll be calming for me to remember that
what matters is that we'll all be together and well. In that sense, it was
also important for me to read the following:
««Take pictures of the old house that she can look at when she's older, but
don't dwell on them now.»»
I was already imagining myself taking the pictures and then looking at
them, feeling sad and teary, and having Constança remember the old house
and stressing, etc., so it was helpful to read Sandra's suggestion. We'll
take pictures and then save them for a rainy day when we feel like going
down memory lane. Humm, then again maybe not - we'll save them for a sunny
day and do something fun with them like printing and making an album, while
we fondly remember our life here. :)
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the move and the new house, and even
though I feel we're lucky to be able to do this very gently (we won't sell
the house we're in until we're already living in the new house, and we're
going to "rent" the new one for a couple of months before actually buying
it, which gives us enough time to do everything really slowly and gently),
I'd like to share with you some of the ideas I've had to see if they make
sense and ask for some more, if possible:
- I was thinking that since we can already start taking our stuff into the
new house, maybe we could do it slowly and on one occasion or another take
Constança so she can see the house and start to get familiar with it. Maybe
take a ball, a toy or a game for us to start playing there, and have
something fun associated with the house.
- Maybe it would be better to leave her toys and her things for last and
take them on the the day of the move. I also thought it might be best if we
(Constança and I) spent the day with her step-sister and her aunt (she
loves being with both of them), only coming home at the end of the day,
when everything will already be at the new house. Then maybe having a fun
dinner all together and asking her step-sister to stay with us for a day or
two (Beatriz is 14 years old, she's Bruno daughter from a previous
relationship and she's only with us every other weekend, at best).
- As I've already said before and following Sandra's suggestion, I was also
thinking of taking pictures of the old house and even making a small movie,
a kind of documentary, registering funny/interesting/curious things about
our street, our building, our house and the little details that we loved.
- My husband and I also thought of buying some new gadget or toy for her
and give it to her on the day we actually move into the new house, so she
can get all excited and maybe distracted from the big moment.
- And thinking about having a little treat for her, I'll be sure to have a
lot of food and snacks that she likes.
I'll have to think about Beatriz too (we're already going to paint her
room, as she asked us to, and we'll buy her something special too), but I
believe the situation is different, since she's older and won't be living
with us anyway. But I can tell you this: thanks to this list and the people
who generously share with us their radically unschooled lives, we're going
to buy a bigger house with a room just for Beatriz (a few months ago, I
think I probably wouldn't have looked for a house with 3 bedrooms, thinking
she could sleep in the living room - now, I see how important it is for
Beatriz to have her own room, even if she only spends one weekend with us
for the rest of her life!), which ties in with another unforeseen benefit
of reading, thinking and talking about radical unschooling - the way our
relationship with my step-daughter has changed for the better. Bruno and I
are still working on it, but I believe there's much more mindfulness in our
thoughts, words and actions towards her. Thanks!
Well, that's it for now.
Marta
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
because I had the chance to collect some ideas that might help us make the
move as comfortable as possible for everyone involved, but especially for
our 2 year old Constança, who is a homebody and loves our current house.
Sorry for hijacking the post (if the moderators think it's better for me to
start a new thread, I'll do it), but it would be useful for me if other
ideas were discussed, considering that the ages are different, which
reminds me that I also wanted to ask if the suggestions posted so far would
work with a toddler.
Sandra wrote:
««It's possible some things can't be eased by others, or changed or
fixed.»»
This was really important for me to read and think about, as it applies to
a lot of what happens daily in life, and since unfortunately, I have a
tendency to want to ease and fix and change everything for everyone - I'm
working on it, with the help of this amazing discussion list plus thinking
a lot about it, talking with my husband, watching our daughter and living
life.
««My best idea at the moment is to try to communicate that what's important
is that your family will still be together and that you would still be a
family even if you lived in a tent or if you moved to another continent or
to a space colony.»»
Yes to this too, great idea and something I can do with Constança, but
maybe keep it shorter and more concise since she's still so young? This is
also important for me to keep in mind, because I tend to become very
emotional in these situations, so it'll be calming for me to remember that
what matters is that we'll all be together and well. In that sense, it was
also important for me to read the following:
««Take pictures of the old house that she can look at when she's older, but
don't dwell on them now.»»
I was already imagining myself taking the pictures and then looking at
them, feeling sad and teary, and having Constança remember the old house
and stressing, etc., so it was helpful to read Sandra's suggestion. We'll
take pictures and then save them for a rainy day when we feel like going
down memory lane. Humm, then again maybe not - we'll save them for a sunny
day and do something fun with them like printing and making an album, while
we fondly remember our life here. :)
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the move and the new house, and even
though I feel we're lucky to be able to do this very gently (we won't sell
the house we're in until we're already living in the new house, and we're
going to "rent" the new one for a couple of months before actually buying
it, which gives us enough time to do everything really slowly and gently),
I'd like to share with you some of the ideas I've had to see if they make
sense and ask for some more, if possible:
- I was thinking that since we can already start taking our stuff into the
new house, maybe we could do it slowly and on one occasion or another take
Constança so she can see the house and start to get familiar with it. Maybe
take a ball, a toy or a game for us to start playing there, and have
something fun associated with the house.
- Maybe it would be better to leave her toys and her things for last and
take them on the the day of the move. I also thought it might be best if we
(Constança and I) spent the day with her step-sister and her aunt (she
loves being with both of them), only coming home at the end of the day,
when everything will already be at the new house. Then maybe having a fun
dinner all together and asking her step-sister to stay with us for a day or
two (Beatriz is 14 years old, she's Bruno daughter from a previous
relationship and she's only with us every other weekend, at best).
- As I've already said before and following Sandra's suggestion, I was also
thinking of taking pictures of the old house and even making a small movie,
a kind of documentary, registering funny/interesting/curious things about
our street, our building, our house and the little details that we loved.
- My husband and I also thought of buying some new gadget or toy for her
and give it to her on the day we actually move into the new house, so she
can get all excited and maybe distracted from the big moment.
- And thinking about having a little treat for her, I'll be sure to have a
lot of food and snacks that she likes.
I'll have to think about Beatriz too (we're already going to paint her
room, as she asked us to, and we'll buy her something special too), but I
believe the situation is different, since she's older and won't be living
with us anyway. But I can tell you this: thanks to this list and the people
who generously share with us their radically unschooled lives, we're going
to buy a bigger house with a room just for Beatriz (a few months ago, I
think I probably wouldn't have looked for a house with 3 bedrooms, thinking
she could sleep in the living room - now, I see how important it is for
Beatriz to have her own room, even if she only spends one weekend with us
for the rest of her life!), which ties in with another unforeseen benefit
of reading, thinking and talking about radical unschooling - the way our
relationship with my step-daughter has changed for the better. Bruno and I
are still working on it, but I believe there's much more mindfulness in our
thoughts, words and actions towards her. Thanks!
Well, that's it for now.
Marta
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]