How to deal with the negativity that comes from being with relatives
Marta Pires
Hi everyone!
It's my first time posting here on the Always Learning list, but I've been
reading for about a year and a half now and learning, learning, learning -
boy have I been learning!
Going straight to the point: today was my brother's birthday and my parents
invited us for lunch at their place, to celebrate. And so we went and
things went smoothly, regarding my little 2 year old Constança (even though
when she woke up, she just wanted to stay home and play with the Wii - when
I realized she really didn't want to leave the house in that moment, I
breathed and told her that her uncle would love to see her and that it
wouldn't be kind of us if we didn't show up, and then decided to take her
with her pajamas on and took her clothes along, so she got dressed in the
car ;) something I learned from you guys, among so many other things). Just
a small side note: I had an aha moment recently and now I totally get what
you mean by mindful parenting and making several thoughtful and respectful
decisions in each situation and how it makes much more sense to be guided
by principles that help you be flexible about the decisions you're making,
regarding that specific situation!
Now that I think about it all, I might have accumulated some stress from
this morning situation (we also had an appointment to see a house right
before lunch, so I felt pressed to get there on time), which, along with
some hormonal imbalance I'm feeling as well today, didn't seem to help me
at all.
Anyway, she had fun at my parents place, she likes to be with her
grandparents and her uncle and great-aunt and uncle and cousins. The
problem was definitely me and I want to change that, as it only makes me
feel a bit down, which doesn't help me contribute to the peace and joy I
want to have in our family. Particularly, I often feel attacked by things
my mom and aunt say to me, regarding Constança mainly: "she never eats
anything, what are you going to give her for lunch, since I didn't cook
anything special for her?", "why didn't you cut her fingernails?", "why
isn't she wearing the other pants?", "we must take care of this tendency of
hers to say no to everything", and so on. A lot of issues are commented on
on a regular basis, from the bed-sharing to the candy she eats, from the
clothes she wears to her hair cut. I'm also bothered by some of the things
they tell her directly and the frequency that they do it, but I've become
aware that I might be projecting my own feelings so I trust that if she's
uncomfortable, I will notice it and act upon it, if needed (I rarely leave
her alone, she's got me or her father nearby). In the moment, I feel like
exploding (I'm aware that there's a lot of baggage here) and usually,
because I'm not the exploding type, I just answer back, harshly (maybe this
qualifies as an explosion, even if I seem calm...) - of course, it's worse
if I didn't sleep well or feel stressed about something, so when I'm
feeling good, I try to answer jokingly or not answer at all. But, it
doesn't feel good to do this (the angry answering) and I know it hurts
them, so what to do? How can I calm myself in that split second?
Constança fell asleep on our way home and when we got here, I felt like
crying. Then I thought, how can I stop this? It won't help us if I stay
*here*. So I decided to do something that would help me feel better, as
I've seen suggested here on the list - I put on some music, finished a
translation I've been working on (it's a translation of an interview Sandra
gave back in 1998, to Portuguese - reading, learning, talking about radical
unschooling is what motivates me most these days!), checked my e-mails and
consciously decided not to do house work, even though I enjoy it. I am
feeling better now, but I'd like to have more tools to deal with this
negativity that stayed with me and also to deal with the at-the-moment
knee-jerk reactions.
Thank you so much for being here and helping us change our lives for the
better!
Marta
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It's my first time posting here on the Always Learning list, but I've been
reading for about a year and a half now and learning, learning, learning -
boy have I been learning!
Going straight to the point: today was my brother's birthday and my parents
invited us for lunch at their place, to celebrate. And so we went and
things went smoothly, regarding my little 2 year old Constança (even though
when she woke up, she just wanted to stay home and play with the Wii - when
I realized she really didn't want to leave the house in that moment, I
breathed and told her that her uncle would love to see her and that it
wouldn't be kind of us if we didn't show up, and then decided to take her
with her pajamas on and took her clothes along, so she got dressed in the
car ;) something I learned from you guys, among so many other things). Just
a small side note: I had an aha moment recently and now I totally get what
you mean by mindful parenting and making several thoughtful and respectful
decisions in each situation and how it makes much more sense to be guided
by principles that help you be flexible about the decisions you're making,
regarding that specific situation!
Now that I think about it all, I might have accumulated some stress from
this morning situation (we also had an appointment to see a house right
before lunch, so I felt pressed to get there on time), which, along with
some hormonal imbalance I'm feeling as well today, didn't seem to help me
at all.
Anyway, she had fun at my parents place, she likes to be with her
grandparents and her uncle and great-aunt and uncle and cousins. The
problem was definitely me and I want to change that, as it only makes me
feel a bit down, which doesn't help me contribute to the peace and joy I
want to have in our family. Particularly, I often feel attacked by things
my mom and aunt say to me, regarding Constança mainly: "she never eats
anything, what are you going to give her for lunch, since I didn't cook
anything special for her?", "why didn't you cut her fingernails?", "why
isn't she wearing the other pants?", "we must take care of this tendency of
hers to say no to everything", and so on. A lot of issues are commented on
on a regular basis, from the bed-sharing to the candy she eats, from the
clothes she wears to her hair cut. I'm also bothered by some of the things
they tell her directly and the frequency that they do it, but I've become
aware that I might be projecting my own feelings so I trust that if she's
uncomfortable, I will notice it and act upon it, if needed (I rarely leave
her alone, she's got me or her father nearby). In the moment, I feel like
exploding (I'm aware that there's a lot of baggage here) and usually,
because I'm not the exploding type, I just answer back, harshly (maybe this
qualifies as an explosion, even if I seem calm...) - of course, it's worse
if I didn't sleep well or feel stressed about something, so when I'm
feeling good, I try to answer jokingly or not answer at all. But, it
doesn't feel good to do this (the angry answering) and I know it hurts
them, so what to do? How can I calm myself in that split second?
Constança fell asleep on our way home and when we got here, I felt like
crying. Then I thought, how can I stop this? It won't help us if I stay
*here*. So I decided to do something that would help me feel better, as
I've seen suggested here on the list - I put on some music, finished a
translation I've been working on (it's a translation of an interview Sandra
gave back in 1998, to Portuguese - reading, learning, talking about radical
unschooling is what motivates me most these days!), checked my e-mails and
consciously decided not to do house work, even though I enjoy it. I am
feeling better now, but I'd like to have more tools to deal with this
negativity that stayed with me and also to deal with the at-the-moment
knee-jerk reactions.
Thank you so much for being here and helping us change our lives for the
better!
Marta
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Marta Pires <martaborgespires@...> wrote:
Another option: invite Them to come join you for kid stuff - a trip to the zoo or a park or science center, for instance. Make it a fun trip around your child, rather than a grown-up visit which happens to include a child. That can shift the dynamic in significant ways.
Also, the tone in which I say things makes a difference. Being able to project a sense of confidence in my parenting doesn't open a door on unwanted advice. Some people Still offer advice, but if I'm polite while being confident, then I'm not asking for more, simply acknowledging the other person's point of view.
---Meredith
>Particularly, I often feel attacked by thingsIf you have trouble shrugging off their comments in some inoffensive way, it may be better to pare down visits to a minimum for awhile.
> my mom and aunt say to me
Another option: invite Them to come join you for kid stuff - a trip to the zoo or a park or science center, for instance. Make it a fun trip around your child, rather than a grown-up visit which happens to include a child. That can shift the dynamic in significant ways.
>>"she never eatsI have found it helpful to make preemptive announcements about food like "Mo ate at home, so don't worry if she doesn't eat" to stave off those kinds of questions/comments. Mo tends not to eat when she's excited, so I Do try to make sure she eats before we go out, and have food for the car-ride home. But acknowledging the matter up front saves on commentary.
> anything, what are you going to give her for lunch, since I didn't cook
> anything special for her?"
>>"why didn't you cut her fingernails?", "whyI also learned to make statements like "Oh, she does that herself - she's So Independent sometimes" in a tone of pride. People usually are okay with the idea of a child wanting to be independent, so it puts us on a kind of common ground. They might not agree precisely, but independence is considered desirable.
> isn't she wearing the other pants?"
Also, the tone in which I say things makes a difference. Being able to project a sense of confidence in my parenting doesn't open a door on unwanted advice. Some people Still offer advice, but if I'm polite while being confident, then I'm not asking for more, simply acknowledging the other person's point of view.
---Meredith
Dawn Sharkey
Marta I could have written your post.
I too have been deschooling myself for some time thanks to this and other lists, have a 2yo (and a 5mo) and have similar issues with family. We've just come back from visiting them, and i too expressed myself harshly and ended up feeling rubbish.
I've already decided to have a longer gap between our next visits.
I just wanted to come back re something in your post. I could relate so closely to what you said all the way through, but one thing I think I respond to differently.
****I'm also bothered by some of the thingsthey tell her directly and the frequency that they do it, but I've become
aware that I might be projecting my own feelings so I trust that if she's
uncomfortable, I will notice it and act upon it, if needed (I rarely leave
her alone, she's got me or her father nearby).****
We had an incident like this this weekend. My Grandmother made two comments in quick succession that riled me. I didn't respond well...there was no peace or joy there I tell you.
The first was along the lines of "when are you getting girl toys? Prams and things?" I pointed out that ds, my 2yo, has a toy buggy (stroller?) and that when dd (5m) can walk she'll be welcome to use it. She is happy playing with ds's old stuff and when she has preferences we'll try and meet them by getting more stuff. It was light hearted but I meant it.
A few minutes later she said "Girls can't do lego". Gah!
I snapped that of course they could and I didn't want my children to hear things like that..I didn't say it kindly, I didn't shout but I can be forthright. I was sad about it as my grandmother was clearly upset (I took her flowers and apologised for being snappy).
My point is that my dc's didn't feel uncomfortable hearing this (especially not the baby!), but neither was it a projection of my issues that made me unhappy about what she said. I don't want my children to hear "Girls do x, boys do y" if I can help it. I will point out that that is rubbish...but I need to work on ways of doing that better. I just don't have them yet...I feel like so much emotional energy is tied up in my little ones right now, that unpicking why my relationship with my family has me stuck in "crabby 16yo" mode is hard work. (Actually I have a good idea as to why...I still struggle to change the pattern though)
I still think I was right to say something, and I know I should have done it more kindly.
I completely agree with a lot of what you say about projecting ones own issues. But I do think that some statements need to be picked up on, even if the child seems fine with what is said. I admire your approach though and am sure I would (hope to) do the same in many situations.
You and I are in a similar place I think. ;-)
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I too have been deschooling myself for some time thanks to this and other lists, have a 2yo (and a 5mo) and have similar issues with family. We've just come back from visiting them, and i too expressed myself harshly and ended up feeling rubbish.
I've already decided to have a longer gap between our next visits.
I just wanted to come back re something in your post. I could relate so closely to what you said all the way through, but one thing I think I respond to differently.
****I'm also bothered by some of the thingsthey tell her directly and the frequency that they do it, but I've become
aware that I might be projecting my own feelings so I trust that if she's
uncomfortable, I will notice it and act upon it, if needed (I rarely leave
her alone, she's got me or her father nearby).****
We had an incident like this this weekend. My Grandmother made two comments in quick succession that riled me. I didn't respond well...there was no peace or joy there I tell you.
The first was along the lines of "when are you getting girl toys? Prams and things?" I pointed out that ds, my 2yo, has a toy buggy (stroller?) and that when dd (5m) can walk she'll be welcome to use it. She is happy playing with ds's old stuff and when she has preferences we'll try and meet them by getting more stuff. It was light hearted but I meant it.
A few minutes later she said "Girls can't do lego". Gah!
I snapped that of course they could and I didn't want my children to hear things like that..I didn't say it kindly, I didn't shout but I can be forthright. I was sad about it as my grandmother was clearly upset (I took her flowers and apologised for being snappy).
My point is that my dc's didn't feel uncomfortable hearing this (especially not the baby!), but neither was it a projection of my issues that made me unhappy about what she said. I don't want my children to hear "Girls do x, boys do y" if I can help it. I will point out that that is rubbish...but I need to work on ways of doing that better. I just don't have them yet...I feel like so much emotional energy is tied up in my little ones right now, that unpicking why my relationship with my family has me stuck in "crabby 16yo" mode is hard work. (Actually I have a good idea as to why...I still struggle to change the pattern though)
I still think I was right to say something, and I know I should have done it more kindly.
I completely agree with a lot of what you say about projecting ones own issues. But I do think that some statements need to be picked up on, even if the child seems fine with what is said. I admire your approach though and am sure I would (hope to) do the same in many situations.
You and I are in a similar place I think. ;-)
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rippy and Graham Dusseldorp
My side of the family tends to worry and criticize. I have several strategies that help keep me calm.
Breathing deeply and smiling. Reminding myself they have good intentions and are making these comments from a place of love.
Reminding myself how fortunate Gianluca and Gisele are for having a family that loves them and cares deeply about them.
Preparing myself before the visit that we're entering an environment where people communicate differently. Reminding myself that if I can keep the space light, peaceful and joyful, we'll all feel better. I'm the most skilled person in my family who can do this. I feel it is my responsibility.
Remembering the times I responded harshly and how badly that made everyone feel and my strong desire to avoid this feeling.
When I perceive something as an attack, I try to take the 'attack' element out of it and address their question respectfully. For example:
----"she never eats anything, what are you going to give her for lunch, since I didn't cook anything special for her?" ----
'I've got some snacks in my bag that I'm sure she'll eat'. Or 'I'll make her an omelette in case she doesn't eat lunch with us'.
----"why didn't you cut her fingernails?"----
'Thanks for reminding me. Gisele, shall we show nanima (grandma) the special game we play when we cut nails?' If Gisele is not interested, promise my mom that I'll do it when we are home.
----- "why isn't she wearing the other pants?"-----
'These pants were his favourite ones today, but we've taken a really nice photo of him wearing the pants you got him for his birthday. We're going to make you a thank you card and put the photo in there and mail it to you.'
-----"we must take care of this tendency of hers to say no to everything"----
'I'm working on it. It helps when I say lots of yeses to him'.
If I can manage to be respectful to both my mom (or aunt, uncle, etc.) and my children, I feel like I've hit a home run. If my mom gets the feeling that she's helped us out, she glows. I try to give her that feeling as much as I can.
What I've noticed is that every year we visit, she *is* getting softer and better at communicating respectfully. When my brothers and I were growing up, her main communication tools when she was stressed were spanking, yelling, shaming and criticizing. She's been able to make huge, positive changes since becoming a grandmother. It helps me to be gentle with her when I remember how far she's come.
Rippy
(Gianluca 7, Gisele 5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Breathing deeply and smiling. Reminding myself they have good intentions and are making these comments from a place of love.
Reminding myself how fortunate Gianluca and Gisele are for having a family that loves them and cares deeply about them.
Preparing myself before the visit that we're entering an environment where people communicate differently. Reminding myself that if I can keep the space light, peaceful and joyful, we'll all feel better. I'm the most skilled person in my family who can do this. I feel it is my responsibility.
Remembering the times I responded harshly and how badly that made everyone feel and my strong desire to avoid this feeling.
When I perceive something as an attack, I try to take the 'attack' element out of it and address their question respectfully. For example:
----"she never eats anything, what are you going to give her for lunch, since I didn't cook anything special for her?" ----
'I've got some snacks in my bag that I'm sure she'll eat'. Or 'I'll make her an omelette in case she doesn't eat lunch with us'.
----"why didn't you cut her fingernails?"----
'Thanks for reminding me. Gisele, shall we show nanima (grandma) the special game we play when we cut nails?' If Gisele is not interested, promise my mom that I'll do it when we are home.
----- "why isn't she wearing the other pants?"-----
'These pants were his favourite ones today, but we've taken a really nice photo of him wearing the pants you got him for his birthday. We're going to make you a thank you card and put the photo in there and mail it to you.'
-----"we must take care of this tendency of hers to say no to everything"----
'I'm working on it. It helps when I say lots of yeses to him'.
If I can manage to be respectful to both my mom (or aunt, uncle, etc.) and my children, I feel like I've hit a home run. If my mom gets the feeling that she's helped us out, she glows. I try to give her that feeling as much as I can.
What I've noticed is that every year we visit, she *is* getting softer and better at communicating respectfully. When my brothers and I were growing up, her main communication tools when she was stressed were spanking, yelling, shaming and criticizing. She's been able to make huge, positive changes since becoming a grandmother. It helps me to be gentle with her when I remember how far she's come.
Rippy
(Gianluca 7, Gisele 5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rippy and Graham Dusseldorp
----"Girls can't do lego"-----
I probably would have responded with a huge smile, 'but my girl loves to do everything! Play with legos, build mud huts, play with swords.' Then I would have looked solemnly at my grandmother and said something like, 'thank goodness the world keeps changing. Can you imagine if we still had sati?"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sati_(practice)
Rippy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I probably would have responded with a huge smile, 'but my girl loves to do everything! Play with legos, build mud huts, play with swords.' Then I would have looked solemnly at my grandmother and said something like, 'thank goodness the world keeps changing. Can you imagine if we still had sati?"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sati_(practice)
Rippy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Dawn Sharkey <sharkeydawn@...> wrote:
Oh, and one of the astronaut figures in the Lego City rocket launch pad set-up is deliberately female (we call her River Song, for any Dr Who fans, out there - bright red lipstick).
---Meredith
>> A few minutes later she said "Girls can't do lego". Gah!There's more and more lego products marketed directly to girls - not just the pink tubs of mixed pieces but there's a whole new assortment of kits with girl figures, lots of flowers and various cute animals - think Littest Pets ala Lego. Sometimes it can help to bring up that sort of thing if you're looking for a way to make your point without arguing. Not only can girls do legos, they can do Girly legos.
Oh, and one of the astronaut figures in the Lego City rocket launch pad set-up is deliberately female (we call her River Song, for any Dr Who fans, out there - bright red lipstick).
---Meredith