Re: Update: Was Concerns about how my son treats my daughter AND Nu
Catherine Hassall
hello Sandra and everyone on the list . . .
Sandra wrote:
'I think that's a bad time to share your principle of respect for your
children.
I think that's the time to show respect for the dead, for the
bereaved, for the bride's one single special day, for her groom, and
their parents.'
When I read this I remembered an incident last year when I attended a
ukelele group playing at a retirement village. My daughter (7) loves
to dance and she started dancing in front of the players (some of whom
she knew) and was becoming very vigorous. When I asked her to dance
less vigorously, she could not . . . would not . . . and the scene
continued to develop with myself and others becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and me continuing to ask her to dance more calmly. I
also had my smaller son (2) and another girl (6) who I was tending
with cups of juice and snacks etc. One of the carers asked me to stop
the children dancing as it was disturbing some of the residents (some
were smiling and enjoying the dancing and some were looking
strained). In that situation I found myself stuck, unable to find a
solution because I was also scared of my daughter's reaction to my
asking her to stop dancing. And indeed, when I said that she must
stop now, she stormed off and become very angry and said she was never
going to dance again and that she hated that place. Afterwards I felt
as if I had really failed her and the other people in the environment
and I did not have any clarity about how I could have better managed
the situation. I have been in many situations where she is very
respectful of all kinds of protocols but in this instance it was not
so. At the time I was (and still am!) struggling quite a bit with
understanding how to speak to my daughter when I know that she is
sensitive to being corrected - that correction usually results in her
becoming angry.
I am wondering if you have any thoughts about this. And why that
sensitivity to correction, or indeed, the need for it, might be
arising. Perhaps that is too vague a question but I am not sure how
to ask anything more precise at the moment.
with thanks
catherine
(mother of almost 8 year old and 2 year old boy. On this list for 2
years and deschooling/unschooling steadily since)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra wrote:
'I think that's a bad time to share your principle of respect for your
children.
I think that's the time to show respect for the dead, for the
bereaved, for the bride's one single special day, for her groom, and
their parents.'
When I read this I remembered an incident last year when I attended a
ukelele group playing at a retirement village. My daughter (7) loves
to dance and she started dancing in front of the players (some of whom
she knew) and was becoming very vigorous. When I asked her to dance
less vigorously, she could not . . . would not . . . and the scene
continued to develop with myself and others becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and me continuing to ask her to dance more calmly. I
also had my smaller son (2) and another girl (6) who I was tending
with cups of juice and snacks etc. One of the carers asked me to stop
the children dancing as it was disturbing some of the residents (some
were smiling and enjoying the dancing and some were looking
strained). In that situation I found myself stuck, unable to find a
solution because I was also scared of my daughter's reaction to my
asking her to stop dancing. And indeed, when I said that she must
stop now, she stormed off and become very angry and said she was never
going to dance again and that she hated that place. Afterwards I felt
as if I had really failed her and the other people in the environment
and I did not have any clarity about how I could have better managed
the situation. I have been in many situations where she is very
respectful of all kinds of protocols but in this instance it was not
so. At the time I was (and still am!) struggling quite a bit with
understanding how to speak to my daughter when I know that she is
sensitive to being corrected - that correction usually results in her
becoming angry.
I am wondering if you have any thoughts about this. And why that
sensitivity to correction, or indeed, the need for it, might be
arising. Perhaps that is too vague a question but I am not sure how
to ask anything more precise at the moment.
with thanks
catherine
(mother of almost 8 year old and 2 year old boy. On this list for 2
years and deschooling/unschooling steadily since)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I am wondering if you have any thoughts about this. And why that
sensitivity to correction, or indeed, the need for it, might be
arising. Perhaps that is too vague a question but I am not sure how
to ask anything more precise at the moment.-=-
I think I would have picked her up, dance with her over to the back corner of the room, danced with her a bit, and said "You can dance here."
This is just a question for you to consider; you don't need to tell us anything:
-=-In that situation I found myself stuck, unable to find a
solution because I was also scared of my daughter's reaction to my
asking her to stop dancing. And indeed, when I said that she must
stop now, she stormed off and become very angry and said she was never
going to dance again and that she hated that place.--=-
Did you way "you must stop now"?
Or did you say, "Hey, Becky, dance back here!" (or whatever her name is).
How would you have dealt with an adult friend you had taken if she started dancing in an inappropriate place or way? I doubt you would have said "you must stop now."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sensitivity to correction, or indeed, the need for it, might be
arising. Perhaps that is too vague a question but I am not sure how
to ask anything more precise at the moment.-=-
I think I would have picked her up, dance with her over to the back corner of the room, danced with her a bit, and said "You can dance here."
This is just a question for you to consider; you don't need to tell us anything:
-=-In that situation I found myself stuck, unable to find a
solution because I was also scared of my daughter's reaction to my
asking her to stop dancing. And indeed, when I said that she must
stop now, she stormed off and become very angry and said she was never
going to dance again and that she hated that place.--=-
Did you way "you must stop now"?
Or did you say, "Hey, Becky, dance back here!" (or whatever her name is).
How would you have dealt with an adult friend you had taken if she started dancing in an inappropriate place or way? I doubt you would have said "you must stop now."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Catherine Hassall <cat@...> wrote:
Depending on her personality, you might have a bag of tricks for distracting her - bubbles, sidewalk chalk, snacks... an assortment of fun little things to occupy a few minutes and change the dynamic. Or you might swoop in merrily with a big kiss and dance her off out of the way. Or you could offer to go get ice-cream. Something of that nature.
In the moment, perhaps you could have asked someone else to keep an eye on the two having snacks while you went to your daughter, or perhaps started packing things up sooner, the first time you told her to calm down and she didn't - not in a punitive way, but so you could swoop all three kids out of the place quickly.
---Meredith
>> At the time I was (and still am!) struggling quite a bit withIt may help to move away from the idea of "correction" and instead consider alternatives to what she's doing - other ways she could enjoy herself in the moment. The trouble, in a way, is that you're getting stuck moving her Away from what she's doing (have Less fun, please) - it's much, much easier to mover Toward something interesting. So look for that.
> understanding how to speak to my daughter when I know that she is
> sensitive to being corrected - that correction usually results in her
> becoming angry.
Depending on her personality, you might have a bag of tricks for distracting her - bubbles, sidewalk chalk, snacks... an assortment of fun little things to occupy a few minutes and change the dynamic. Or you might swoop in merrily with a big kiss and dance her off out of the way. Or you could offer to go get ice-cream. Something of that nature.
>> IIt can be challenging to juggle the needs of active kids along with the needs of more relaxed kids. If your daughter is often the boisterous child who needs more attention, then it's not a good idea to volunteer to take care of other children. Similarly, if you have a pretty active kid, it could be best to avoid places like senior centers and retirement homes for awhile.
> also had my smaller son (2) and another girl (6) who I was tending
> with cups of juice and snacks etc.
In the moment, perhaps you could have asked someone else to keep an eye on the two having snacks while you went to your daughter, or perhaps started packing things up sooner, the first time you told her to calm down and she didn't - not in a punitive way, but so you could swoop all three kids out of the place quickly.
---Meredith
Pam Sorooshian
I wonder if you're waiting too long to step in.
In the case of her dancing wildly, it sounds like you sort of knew where it
was leading and you felt pretty helpless about it. So it went on until it
was bad enough to be really annoying others and then you called an abrupt
halt at a point when she'd built up a lot of intense energy.
She's sensitive to being corrected ... maybe you regularly wait too long so
that by the time you "correct" her, it is too late for her not to be in the
wrong, she's already BEEN in the wrong, so she's embarrassed.
If dancing was not appropriate there, for some reason (I'm not clear about
that, but taking your word for it), then you should probably have handled
it the minute she started to dance.
If you couldn't (because you had your hands full already with other kids)
then I wonder, too, if you're getting yourselves into situations that are
too much for you to handle and you should spend more time at parks and
playgrounds and other open spaces where kids can be kids and not at events
like this. You have lot of time in the future for these kinds of
activities. Your daughter would have been better off at home with some high
energy music playing and lots of room to dance to her heart's content. So -
what's the point of this kind of outing if it is likely to result in her
being angry and upset at the end?
-pam
In the case of her dancing wildly, it sounds like you sort of knew where it
was leading and you felt pretty helpless about it. So it went on until it
was bad enough to be really annoying others and then you called an abrupt
halt at a point when she'd built up a lot of intense energy.
She's sensitive to being corrected ... maybe you regularly wait too long so
that by the time you "correct" her, it is too late for her not to be in the
wrong, she's already BEEN in the wrong, so she's embarrassed.
If dancing was not appropriate there, for some reason (I'm not clear about
that, but taking your word for it), then you should probably have handled
it the minute she started to dance.
If you couldn't (because you had your hands full already with other kids)
then I wonder, too, if you're getting yourselves into situations that are
too much for you to handle and you should spend more time at parks and
playgrounds and other open spaces where kids can be kids and not at events
like this. You have lot of time in the future for these kinds of
activities. Your daughter would have been better off at home with some high
energy music playing and lots of room to dance to her heart's content. So -
what's the point of this kind of outing if it is likely to result in her
being angry and upset at the end?
-pam
On Thu, Feb 23, 2012 at 5:54 AM, Catherine Hassall <cat@...>wrote:
> At the time I was (and still am!) struggling quite a bit with
> understanding how to speak to my daughter when I know that she is
> sensitive to being corrected - that correction usually results in her
> becoming angry.
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]