Having a second child
Tina Tarbutton
The recent discussion about the second child robbing the first child has
really struck a chord with me.
Currently my wife and I are trying to get pregnant, with a known donor. We
have been talking with our 11 y/o about this for quite some time (over a
year) but have just recently started actually trying. My wife (Parker)
will be the one carrying this child. Draven is my biological son from a
previous relationship, and while I share custody with his father, the fact
that his father left the state means that Draven does not get to see him as
often as he would like.
Draven has started objecting to the idea of us having more children. He
keeps saying he's not ready for another sibling (his father has an 18 month
old as well). I am not okay with telling my wife she can't have any
biological children of her own, but I'm also wanting to make this as easy
on our older son as possible.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
really struck a chord with me.
Currently my wife and I are trying to get pregnant, with a known donor. We
have been talking with our 11 y/o about this for quite some time (over a
year) but have just recently started actually trying. My wife (Parker)
will be the one carrying this child. Draven is my biological son from a
previous relationship, and while I share custody with his father, the fact
that his father left the state means that Draven does not get to see him as
often as he would like.
Draven has started objecting to the idea of us having more children. He
keeps saying he's not ready for another sibling (his father has an 18 month
old as well). I am not okay with telling my wife she can't have any
biological children of her own, but I'm also wanting to make this as easy
on our older son as possible.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Tina this is a very delicate and personal matter between you and your spouse and your son.|
It will all depend in how your life is at the moment. Are you two stable financially? ( you do not have to answer )
I seem to remember you guys living with family and there were still some issues with your new wife.
Also it may be that your son is afraid that you too will not be available to him anymore once a new baby comes.
It seems that his father left and he has a young child so he may be associating having a baby with being left behind and no
longer important.
So I would take all that in consideration. Plus who is going to be home ? Do you stay home with the baby and your son?
Is your wife staying home after the baby comes? How will it affect your living arrangement, how will things change in who is working or staying home and being with your son? So many things to consider.
How will it affect unschooling in your home?
How old is you wife and can a couple years be OK to wait?
All things to consider and I am sure much more.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 5:40 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Having a second child
The recent discussion about the second child robbing the first child has
really struck a chord with me.
Currently my wife and I are trying to get pregnant, with a known donor. We
have been talking with our 11 y/o about this for quite some time (over a
year) but have just recently started actually trying. My wife (Parker)
will be the one carrying this child. Draven is my biological son from a
previous relationship, and while I share custody with his father, the fact
that his father left the state means that Draven does not get to see him as
often as he would like.
Draven has started objecting to the idea of us having more children. He
keeps saying he's not ready for another sibling (his father has an 18 month
old as well). I am not okay with telling my wife she can't have any
biological children of her own, but I'm also wanting to make this as easy
on our older son as possible.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It will all depend in how your life is at the moment. Are you two stable financially? ( you do not have to answer )
I seem to remember you guys living with family and there were still some issues with your new wife.
Also it may be that your son is afraid that you too will not be available to him anymore once a new baby comes.
It seems that his father left and he has a young child so he may be associating having a baby with being left behind and no
longer important.
So I would take all that in consideration. Plus who is going to be home ? Do you stay home with the baby and your son?
Is your wife staying home after the baby comes? How will it affect your living arrangement, how will things change in who is working or staying home and being with your son? So many things to consider.
How will it affect unschooling in your home?
How old is you wife and can a couple years be OK to wait?
All things to consider and I am sure much more.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 5:40 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Having a second child
The recent discussion about the second child robbing the first child has
really struck a chord with me.
Currently my wife and I are trying to get pregnant, with a known donor. We
have been talking with our 11 y/o about this for quite some time (over a
year) but have just recently started actually trying. My wife (Parker)
will be the one carrying this child. Draven is my biological son from a
previous relationship, and while I share custody with his father, the fact
that his father left the state means that Draven does not get to see him as
often as he would like.
Draven has started objecting to the idea of us having more children. He
keeps saying he's not ready for another sibling (his father has an 18 month
old as well). I am not okay with telling my wife she can't have any
biological children of her own, but I'm also wanting to make this as easy
on our older son as possible.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...> wrote:
---Meredith
>> Draven has started objecting to the idea of us having more children. HeAsk him about his concerns without putting them down or saying "but you know We won't be like that" - treat his concerns very seriously, as issues which need to be worked on. Adding another person to a family can seem scary and out-of-control, even if you're in a position to say Yes or No - your son really Doesn't have any control over this decision, someone else will make it for him, one way or the other, and that's a hard thing. Do what you can to make it Less hard so he knows he's loved and valued. It may still feel scary and out-of-control, but you can at least set him up so he doesn't feel like he's being replaced.
> keeps saying he's not ready for another sibling (his father has an 18 month
> old as well). I am not okay with telling my wife she can't have any
> biological children of her own, but I'm also wanting to make this as easy
> on our older son as possible.
---Meredith
Vanessa Orsborn
I second what Meredith has said. There are fears and issues that need to be talked about.
Before I got pregnant with my son I would talk to my daughter about having a sibling. She was adamant she never ever wanted one. Okay she was 3 (but very verbal, I can't imagine having that conversation with my son now). But she had lots of worries- toy sharing, sharing mum, would she be giving up her place in the bed, she didn't want to share breastfeeding etc etc. obviously Draven is so much older so the issues will be completely different, but talking about the specifics with him might help a lot.
But to some extent he just won't be able to see how having a brother or sister might be a good thing in the future. My daughter adores her brother and wants another.
All the logistics re family arrangement that someone else mentioned is very important to work out. Especially lots of one on one time for you two together.
My daughter definitely felt like she was robbed when my son was born. No doubt about that. But she had mixed feelings because she also adored him. And with careful management and balancing you can turn it around into something positive. As I say, my daughter would definitely not be without her brother now, although she may have asked me to throw him in the bin a few times when he was a few months old ;-)
Vanessa
Before I got pregnant with my son I would talk to my daughter about having a sibling. She was adamant she never ever wanted one. Okay she was 3 (but very verbal, I can't imagine having that conversation with my son now). But she had lots of worries- toy sharing, sharing mum, would she be giving up her place in the bed, she didn't want to share breastfeeding etc etc. obviously Draven is so much older so the issues will be completely different, but talking about the specifics with him might help a lot.
But to some extent he just won't be able to see how having a brother or sister might be a good thing in the future. My daughter adores her brother and wants another.
All the logistics re family arrangement that someone else mentioned is very important to work out. Especially lots of one on one time for you two together.
My daughter definitely felt like she was robbed when my son was born. No doubt about that. But she had mixed feelings because she also adored him. And with careful management and balancing you can turn it around into something positive. As I say, my daughter would definitely not be without her brother now, although she may have asked me to throw him in the bin a few times when he was a few months old ;-)
Vanessa
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