Re: [AlwaysLearning] How do you stop bullying when it happens in the family?
Sandra Dodd
-=-The grandparents are very impressed with my daughter and they always
praise her in family reunions.-=-
So they helped create the problem, and they're not paying much attention while they babysit.
-=-The cousin bumps into my daughter "accidently", yells at her,
rejects her and talks to her in a condescending manner. They take a
karate class together. In the class the cousin kicked my daughter very
hard. Now my daughter is intimidated by her cousin. She gets stomach
pains when she sees her cousin.-=-
Does she yell "STOP IT" as loudly as she can?
In the karate class did she say "DON'T KICK ME" full voice?
If she's accepting these things passively, she's feeding the situation, maybe.
-=-My husband talked to his brother and his brother's wife about this
situation.-=-
Well if they don't know how to help, you and your husband and your daughter should deal with the cousin directly.
But they won't be the ages they are for very long.
-=-My husband and I have been bullied by his own brother and his
brother's wife. They are aggressive people. They provoke us and
when we react to them they accuse us of attacking them. I hardly talk to
them anymore because of this.-=-
Then you pretty much knew that leaving the girls together was asking for trouble.
-=Now the grandparents only babysit my daughter in the afternoon while I
am at work. The damage has been done. What can I do to help my
daughter?-=-
You mean the cousin isn't there anymore?
Then if you move her to a different karate class, the immediate problem is solved.
At family reunions or holidays, hang out with her or where you can see her, and the second you see the cousin gaze at her in that thoughtful-bully way, move closer.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
praise her in family reunions.-=-
So they helped create the problem, and they're not paying much attention while they babysit.
-=-The cousin bumps into my daughter "accidently", yells at her,
rejects her and talks to her in a condescending manner. They take a
karate class together. In the class the cousin kicked my daughter very
hard. Now my daughter is intimidated by her cousin. She gets stomach
pains when she sees her cousin.-=-
Does she yell "STOP IT" as loudly as she can?
In the karate class did she say "DON'T KICK ME" full voice?
If she's accepting these things passively, she's feeding the situation, maybe.
-=-My husband talked to his brother and his brother's wife about this
situation.-=-
Well if they don't know how to help, you and your husband and your daughter should deal with the cousin directly.
But they won't be the ages they are for very long.
-=-My husband and I have been bullied by his own brother and his
brother's wife. They are aggressive people. They provoke us and
when we react to them they accuse us of attacking them. I hardly talk to
them anymore because of this.-=-
Then you pretty much knew that leaving the girls together was asking for trouble.
-=Now the grandparents only babysit my daughter in the afternoon while I
am at work. The damage has been done. What can I do to help my
daughter?-=-
You mean the cousin isn't there anymore?
Then if you move her to a different karate class, the immediate problem is solved.
At family reunions or holidays, hang out with her or where you can see her, and the second you see the cousin gaze at her in that thoughtful-bully way, move closer.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"amyparkington" <amyparkington@...> wrote:
Find her another karate class, maybe an all-girl class or a women's self-defense class - because she doesn't need katas right now, she needs to know how to take a boy down who's giving her trouble. Or, if she likes martial arts in general but doesn't care what, shop around to different styles and also things like sword-fighting.
Make other friends - people you can rely on not to make you feel cruddy or be mean to your daughter. Family can be a trap which keeps you from the world. See this as an opportunity to expand your world, rather than keeping it confined to what and who you know.
---Meredith
>> How do you stop bullying when it happens in the family?What would you do if you weren't related to your babysitter and the other "sat" child? That's an important question. Sometimes and ideal of "family" can seem so important that parents will overlook children's needs in the moment for that ideal, but the sad fact is that "family" more often protects bullies than the bullied.
> What can I do to help myWhat does she want to do? If she's having stomach pains, she may be happiest if she can avoid him for awhile, so help her do that. Find another childcare option so she's not stuck in a situation where she can't get help and she's being made miserable.
> daughter?
Find her another karate class, maybe an all-girl class or a women's self-defense class - because she doesn't need katas right now, she needs to know how to take a boy down who's giving her trouble. Or, if she likes martial arts in general but doesn't care what, shop around to different styles and also things like sword-fighting.
Make other friends - people you can rely on not to make you feel cruddy or be mean to your daughter. Family can be a trap which keeps you from the world. See this as an opportunity to expand your world, rather than keeping it confined to what and who you know.
---Meredith
Meredith
"amyparkington" <amyparkington@...> wrote:
Do you mean showing that she's intimidated? My experience with bullies is that avoiding them actually knocks some of the wind out of their sails, at least temporarily - it will take that person time to find another target and build up again. He won't feel a "win" because bullying is a defense mechanism to make him feel better about himself. And if he chose your daughter because she's related, that will slow him down in terms of acquiring a new target, maybe even prevent him from doing so.
If you daughter goes away entirely or goes away for awhile and comes back with more skills, she's in a better situation than if she stays. Staying in a situation with a bully most likely means she'd continued to be bullied unless the bully slips up and hurts her badly enough to get kicked out of the class - which isn't either likely or something to hope for. A kid picking on his cousin is the sort of thing teachers will ignore all the harder Because of the family ties - they don't want to be in the middle of a situation which could very well have started with the parents (like this one!).
Confidence is good, but she shouldn't feel like she has to go back to the same class if there are others available. If you're telling her things like "you can't let him intimidate you into leaving" then stop - those messages are feeding into the situation and setting her up to get hurt. Some types of conflict are Best handled by avoidance because there's no "once and for all" solution - the other person's needs are such that he or she will keep picking and picking and picking.
---Meredith
>I feel that by moving her to a different class she is avoiding the stuation and showing intimidation.***************
Do you mean showing that she's intimidated? My experience with bullies is that avoiding them actually knocks some of the wind out of their sails, at least temporarily - it will take that person time to find another target and build up again. He won't feel a "win" because bullying is a defense mechanism to make him feel better about himself. And if he chose your daughter because she's related, that will slow him down in terms of acquiring a new target, maybe even prevent him from doing so.
If you daughter goes away entirely or goes away for awhile and comes back with more skills, she's in a better situation than if she stays. Staying in a situation with a bully most likely means she'd continued to be bullied unless the bully slips up and hurts her badly enough to get kicked out of the class - which isn't either likely or something to hope for. A kid picking on his cousin is the sort of thing teachers will ignore all the harder Because of the family ties - they don't want to be in the middle of a situation which could very well have started with the parents (like this one!).
> She wants to attend a 1-week sleep over karate camp. She would skip a belt and that would put her at the same belt level with her mean cousin. She thinks that would give her confidence.****************
Confidence is good, but she shouldn't feel like she has to go back to the same class if there are others available. If you're telling her things like "you can't let him intimidate you into leaving" then stop - those messages are feeding into the situation and setting her up to get hurt. Some types of conflict are Best handled by avoidance because there's no "once and for all" solution - the other person's needs are such that he or she will keep picking and picking and picking.
---Meredith