video games and energy play fighting
sebrina w
I have a question about my 3 sons (ages 11, 10 and 8). They have unlimited time to play video games but I find that after they have been playing the games for a while when they do stop they start play fighting each other. Now they play fight each other a lot of the time but it seems to be a bit more aggressive as if they have extra energy after playing the games and my youngest son always seems to get hurt. Does anyone have ideas on how I can help them transition from playing the games to another activity that doesn't involve fighting?
I also notice particularly in my 10 year old son that he complains of boredom when he gets off the game. I will suggest things for him to do like watching a show with me or playing a board game or going out for a walk but he says he doesn't feel like any of those things.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Sebrina
I also notice particularly in my 10 year old son that he complains of boredom when he gets off the game. I will suggest things for him to do like watching a show with me or playing a board game or going out for a walk but he says he doesn't feel like any of those things.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Sebrina
Meredith
"sebrina w" <sunmamma@...> wrote:
It will help to step away from "doesn't involve fighting" and look for ways to help them be safe while they roughhouse. One is to remind them to take more breaks and loosen up a bit as they play - or find a way for them to be a little active while playing, like a mini-trampoline, perhaps.
Make a point of moving closer the longer they play. That's probably contrary to what you do, now - its really easy, once kids get settled in to playing, to drift away a bit because they don't really seem to need you for anything. It's the transition from one thing to another that's the trouble, though, so it's up to you to try to be more present for that transition.
Okay, despite what I said about getting away from "doesn't involve fighting" you can offer a snack the moment they start to stir from the game. It's a good way to help them transition by giving them something to do right away that they probably need anyway.
My 10yo sometimes complains of boredom when she transitions from one thing to another. It doesn't last long, and she doesn't really want ideas and finds them (and me) annoying when I offer some. It's more like she's feeling adrift - transitions are awkward things! So I've learned not to offer suggestions, but instead find little ways to connect with her for a minute or two, so she can move on to whatever is next in her day.
---Meredith
>Does anyone have ideas on how I can help them transition from playing the games to another activity that doesn't involve fighting?***************
It will help to step away from "doesn't involve fighting" and look for ways to help them be safe while they roughhouse. One is to remind them to take more breaks and loosen up a bit as they play - or find a way for them to be a little active while playing, like a mini-trampoline, perhaps.
Make a point of moving closer the longer they play. That's probably contrary to what you do, now - its really easy, once kids get settled in to playing, to drift away a bit because they don't really seem to need you for anything. It's the transition from one thing to another that's the trouble, though, so it's up to you to try to be more present for that transition.
Okay, despite what I said about getting away from "doesn't involve fighting" you can offer a snack the moment they start to stir from the game. It's a good way to help them transition by giving them something to do right away that they probably need anyway.
> I also notice particularly in my 10 year old son that he complains of boredom when he gets off the game.**************
My 10yo sometimes complains of boredom when she transitions from one thing to another. It doesn't last long, and she doesn't really want ideas and finds them (and me) annoying when I offer some. It's more like she's feeling adrift - transitions are awkward things! So I've learned not to offer suggestions, but instead find little ways to connect with her for a minute or two, so she can move on to whatever is next in her day.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=-I have a question about my 3 sons (ages 11, 10 and 8). They have unlimited time to play video games but I find that after they have been playing the games for a while when they do stop they start play fighting each other.-=-
"They" are all playing together and then they all stop at the same time?
If you had boys who were 11, 10 and 8 before video games were invented, they might be playing fast and rough ALL the time. At least now they're sitting playing video games part of the time.
If you had boys who were 11, 10 and 8 and they were in school, they probably would hardly be speaking to each other much, or being very mean to each other; especially to the youngest.
So what are you comparing the situation to? It can help a great deal to look at what alternative situations and circumstances might be, and to see what they're doing as normal.
-=-I also notice particularly in my 10 year old son that he complains of boredom when he gets off the game. -=-
This might help:
http://sandradodd.com/BoredNoMore
Another thing to consider is to ask him to clarify. Is it a default whine made without thought? Or is he asking for input or attention? He might need some interaction with you--hug, joke, errand to do with or for you. Praise. Snack.
But if you say "What do you mean bored? Can you rephrase what you're wanting?" he might say something more useful. Or he might notice he doesn't know what he wants, and he can't rephrase it. When that happens, it can be that he's speaking a phrase without really thinking about it. People do that sometimes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"They" are all playing together and then they all stop at the same time?
If you had boys who were 11, 10 and 8 before video games were invented, they might be playing fast and rough ALL the time. At least now they're sitting playing video games part of the time.
If you had boys who were 11, 10 and 8 and they were in school, they probably would hardly be speaking to each other much, or being very mean to each other; especially to the youngest.
So what are you comparing the situation to? It can help a great deal to look at what alternative situations and circumstances might be, and to see what they're doing as normal.
-=-I also notice particularly in my 10 year old son that he complains of boredom when he gets off the game. -=-
This might help:
http://sandradodd.com/BoredNoMore
Another thing to consider is to ask him to clarify. Is it a default whine made without thought? Or is he asking for input or attention? He might need some interaction with you--hug, joke, errand to do with or for you. Praise. Snack.
But if you say "What do you mean bored? Can you rephrase what you're wanting?" he might say something more useful. Or he might notice he doesn't know what he wants, and he can't rephrase it. When that happens, it can be that he's speaking a phrase without really thinking about it. People do that sometimes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Claire
I wonder too whether sometimes a parent thinks they're being a 'good unschooler' by setting up this paradigm of 'unlimited access' to tv or electronic games, and even possibly stating quite overtly to the kids that they can watch/play as much as they want. And then that plays out to mean that the parent doesn't put in as much effort to create a wonderful nest with lots of variety. I hope I can be clear about this, as I am not advocating limits at all. My own kids watch/play all the tv/games they want, but I try to make sure I am with them pretty much the whole time. I read game instructions to them, talk about the show with them, and, when they've lost interest and are ready to move on to the next thing, i am right there to help (if needed).
So I am trying to differentiate between an organic sort of flow, where there are lots of activities on offer, and kids choose freely between them, and a situation where a parent is trying to follow some sort of self-imposed 'unschooling rule', and it ends up meaning that they are not present enough. Then the unlimited gaming or tv-watching is blamed when problems arise, rather than the lack of presence.
It took me a while to find a balance between 'unlimited' and 'active presence', but I can truly say that for some time now my kids (aged 4 and 6) have been very easily able to leave the tv or iPad to go and play an imaginative game with their soft toys, or paint a picture, or create a house for our guinea pigs, or meet friends at the park, or another of the many things they get up to in a day.
Balance.
Claire
So I am trying to differentiate between an organic sort of flow, where there are lots of activities on offer, and kids choose freely between them, and a situation where a parent is trying to follow some sort of self-imposed 'unschooling rule', and it ends up meaning that they are not present enough. Then the unlimited gaming or tv-watching is blamed when problems arise, rather than the lack of presence.
It took me a while to find a balance between 'unlimited' and 'active presence', but I can truly say that for some time now my kids (aged 4 and 6) have been very easily able to leave the tv or iPad to go and play an imaginative game with their soft toys, or paint a picture, or create a house for our guinea pigs, or meet friends at the park, or another of the many things they get up to in a day.
Balance.
Claire
Sandra Dodd
-=-It took me a while to find a balance between 'unlimited' and 'active presence', but I can truly say that for some time now my kids (aged 4 and 6) have been very easily able to leave the tv or iPad to go and play an imaginative game with their soft toys, or paint a picture, or create a house for our guinea pigs, or meet friends at the park, or another of the many things they get up to in a day.-=-
Maybe some people go from limits to "no limits" in a large swing to the extreme. And so then for that parent the vision of "no limits" becomes the goal and the ideal, when it could or should have been part of their deschooling. But I see the problem, because even as I write this some might be thinking "OH, so the balance point is somewhere between limits and no limits."
Limits and "no limits" is not a good dichotomy to look at. Life creates limits. Reality and the requirements of living in the world limits some things. If a parent says "You can play all the video games you want to," what about pausing it to greet guests? To go to the bathroom? Those things could seem "coercive" (to mix topics on this forum this week. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
From doing arbitrary things the parents decide, the next move might be thinking about answer kids' question in more realistic ways in the moment. "Is it okay if I keep playing this game?" The answer shouldn't be "Yes, of course, because we're unschoolers now." It would make more sense to say "Yes, until it's time to get ready to go to the movies," or "Could you get ready to go to the movies first, and then play until we're ready to go?"
Or "If the other kids don't want a turn, sure." or something else, depending on who's there and what's going on.
-=-I wonder too whether sometimes a parent thinks they're being a 'good unschooler' by setting up this paradigm of 'unlimited access' to tv or electronic games, and even possibly stating quite overtly to the kids that they can watch/play as much as they want. And then that plays out to mean that the parent doesn't put in as much effort to create a wonderful nest with lots of variety.-=-
Perhaps like they think the more games a kid plays the more imagined unschooling credit the mom can claim? That the appearance of expansive "freedom" is as good as a life rich in a variety of cool options?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe some people go from limits to "no limits" in a large swing to the extreme. And so then for that parent the vision of "no limits" becomes the goal and the ideal, when it could or should have been part of their deschooling. But I see the problem, because even as I write this some might be thinking "OH, so the balance point is somewhere between limits and no limits."
Limits and "no limits" is not a good dichotomy to look at. Life creates limits. Reality and the requirements of living in the world limits some things. If a parent says "You can play all the video games you want to," what about pausing it to greet guests? To go to the bathroom? Those things could seem "coercive" (to mix topics on this forum this week. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
From doing arbitrary things the parents decide, the next move might be thinking about answer kids' question in more realistic ways in the moment. "Is it okay if I keep playing this game?" The answer shouldn't be "Yes, of course, because we're unschoolers now." It would make more sense to say "Yes, until it's time to get ready to go to the movies," or "Could you get ready to go to the movies first, and then play until we're ready to go?"
Or "If the other kids don't want a turn, sure." or something else, depending on who's there and what's going on.
-=-I wonder too whether sometimes a parent thinks they're being a 'good unschooler' by setting up this paradigm of 'unlimited access' to tv or electronic games, and even possibly stating quite overtly to the kids that they can watch/play as much as they want. And then that plays out to mean that the parent doesn't put in as much effort to create a wonderful nest with lots of variety.-=-
Perhaps like they think the more games a kid plays the more imagined unschooling credit the mom can claim? That the appearance of expansive "freedom" is as good as a life rich in a variety of cool options?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
IN my experience with my son who loves to play video games is that :
He does love to play fight and does with his friends and his sister. I used to have to be right there to help keep it safe but now he is able to keep it safe. I also noticed that his friend that is not allowed to play and does not have video games or TV is much more agressive and wants to play fight a lot. The difference is that MD pretends and this kid really goes for hurting ( behind the adults backs) so I have to be there and facilitate.
When MD stops playing and is restless it means that he needs connection and /or needs to do physical things because of pent up energy.
When he was younger we would run around the house, jump in bed ( I so want a trampoline!) and do things like that.
It sounds in the post the mom gives the child who says he is bored ideas. With my kids I join them. I don't just give ideas. I go do stuff with them. Many times all they need is the connection and doing things with you.
I have seen kids come out from playing video games and go outside play just because I did let them know I was going and they joined me a while later and happily played with me.
Telling them what to do is not the same as doing with them.
If the parent is under the impression that he/she is just going to sit there and give ideas and the kids are going to be happy with that I think that their lives are not going to be as fun and as interesting as when they have parents that joined them in exploring and playing.
I notice that parents who have or had kids in school are very detached , most of them, from their kids playing and exploring around. They expect their child to entertain themselves all the time. I see that my kids want me to be part of their lives fully. Not all the time or on everything, but present and participating.
I am not a gamer, I do play some games and I like it but I am terrible at more complicated controllers like the X-box ones. But I know , from talking and reading, about all my son's games. He loves to come and talk to me about them.
I just upgraded his computer memory myself and he is so happy. I am getting really good at computer stuff just because I am always learning with him how to make his play better.
Be more present, more involved, participate. If kids are full of energy come up with a fun physical game and be part of it. There will be laughter and smiles and happy kids !
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2012 8:45 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: video games and energy play fighting
-=-It took me a while to find a balance between 'unlimited' and 'active presence', but I can truly say that for some time now my kids (aged 4 and 6) have been very easily able to leave the tv or iPad to go and play an imaginative game with their soft toys, or paint a picture, or create a house for our guinea pigs, or meet friends at the park, or another of the many things they get up to in a day.-=-
Maybe some people go from limits to "no limits" in a large swing to the extreme. And so then for that parent the vision of "no limits" becomes the goal and the ideal, when it could or should have been part of their deschooling. But I see the problem, because even as I write this some might be thinking "OH, so the balance point is somewhere between limits and no limits."
Limits and "no limits" is not a good dichotomy to look at. Life creates limits. Reality and the requirements of living in the world limits some things. If a parent says "You can play all the video games you want to," what about pausing it to greet guests? To go to the bathroom? Those things could seem "coercive" (to mix topics on this forum this week. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
From doing arbitrary things the parents decide, the next move might be thinking about answer kids' question in more realistic ways in the moment. "Is it okay if I keep playing this game?" The answer shouldn't be "Yes, of course, because we're unschoolers now." It would make more sense to say "Yes, until it's time to get ready to go to the movies," or "Could you get ready to go to the movies first, and then play until we're ready to go?"
Or "If the other kids don't want a turn, sure." or something else, depending on who's there and what's going on.
-=-I wonder too whether sometimes a parent thinks they're being a 'good unschooler' by setting up this paradigm of 'unlimited access' to tv or electronic games, and even possibly stating quite overtly to the kids that they can watch/play as much as they want. And then that plays out to mean that the parent doesn't put in as much effort to create a wonderful nest with lots of variety.-=-
Perhaps like they think the more games a kid plays the more imagined unschooling credit the mom can claim? That the appearance of expansive "freedom" is as good as a life rich in a variety of cool options?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He does love to play fight and does with his friends and his sister. I used to have to be right there to help keep it safe but now he is able to keep it safe. I also noticed that his friend that is not allowed to play and does not have video games or TV is much more agressive and wants to play fight a lot. The difference is that MD pretends and this kid really goes for hurting ( behind the adults backs) so I have to be there and facilitate.
When MD stops playing and is restless it means that he needs connection and /or needs to do physical things because of pent up energy.
When he was younger we would run around the house, jump in bed ( I so want a trampoline!) and do things like that.
It sounds in the post the mom gives the child who says he is bored ideas. With my kids I join them. I don't just give ideas. I go do stuff with them. Many times all they need is the connection and doing things with you.
I have seen kids come out from playing video games and go outside play just because I did let them know I was going and they joined me a while later and happily played with me.
Telling them what to do is not the same as doing with them.
If the parent is under the impression that he/she is just going to sit there and give ideas and the kids are going to be happy with that I think that their lives are not going to be as fun and as interesting as when they have parents that joined them in exploring and playing.
I notice that parents who have or had kids in school are very detached , most of them, from their kids playing and exploring around. They expect their child to entertain themselves all the time. I see that my kids want me to be part of their lives fully. Not all the time or on everything, but present and participating.
I am not a gamer, I do play some games and I like it but I am terrible at more complicated controllers like the X-box ones. But I know , from talking and reading, about all my son's games. He loves to come and talk to me about them.
I just upgraded his computer memory myself and he is so happy. I am getting really good at computer stuff just because I am always learning with him how to make his play better.
Be more present, more involved, participate. If kids are full of energy come up with a fun physical game and be part of it. There will be laughter and smiles and happy kids !
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2012 8:45 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: video games and energy play fighting
-=-It took me a while to find a balance between 'unlimited' and 'active presence', but I can truly say that for some time now my kids (aged 4 and 6) have been very easily able to leave the tv or iPad to go and play an imaginative game with their soft toys, or paint a picture, or create a house for our guinea pigs, or meet friends at the park, or another of the many things they get up to in a day.-=-
Maybe some people go from limits to "no limits" in a large swing to the extreme. And so then for that parent the vision of "no limits" becomes the goal and the ideal, when it could or should have been part of their deschooling. But I see the problem, because even as I write this some might be thinking "OH, so the balance point is somewhere between limits and no limits."
Limits and "no limits" is not a good dichotomy to look at. Life creates limits. Reality and the requirements of living in the world limits some things. If a parent says "You can play all the video games you want to," what about pausing it to greet guests? To go to the bathroom? Those things could seem "coercive" (to mix topics on this forum this week. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
From doing arbitrary things the parents decide, the next move might be thinking about answer kids' question in more realistic ways in the moment. "Is it okay if I keep playing this game?" The answer shouldn't be "Yes, of course, because we're unschoolers now." It would make more sense to say "Yes, until it's time to get ready to go to the movies," or "Could you get ready to go to the movies first, and then play until we're ready to go?"
Or "If the other kids don't want a turn, sure." or something else, depending on who's there and what's going on.
-=-I wonder too whether sometimes a parent thinks they're being a 'good unschooler' by setting up this paradigm of 'unlimited access' to tv or electronic games, and even possibly stating quite overtly to the kids that they can watch/play as much as they want. And then that plays out to mean that the parent doesn't put in as much effort to create a wonderful nest with lots of variety.-=-
Perhaps like they think the more games a kid plays the more imagined unschooling credit the mom can claim? That the appearance of expansive "freedom" is as good as a life rich in a variety of cool options?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]