leaving no hope
angela.schwickert
When I came home from teaching piano the other day, my two unschooled kids seemed very upset. First they didn't want to tell me, they said they were not allowed too from their step father (since six years he is the stepfather).
I was shocked and promised them, not to tell him anything about what they would tell me. Then they opened up about it all and they were so glad, they could talk about it! He said, he didn't want them to tell me, cause it would be too much for me (oh, but not for them? They are 11 and 14 !).The real reason is, that he worries a lot at the moment about our financial situation but can't bear that we are positiv and strong (mentally) about it. He is in a little stessful situation and needs to constanly talk about it.
He took away hope from my kids with telling them, we would have to sell the house. This is so terrible (and not true ) .The kids told me, he told them all details about income and costs and that we spend more then we make etc. This is true and we work on it like most people on this planet. They said he often would complain about the money when I am gone and pleased me to make, that he stops with that.
I tried to talk to him about putting too much weight on kids with sharing grown up problems with them in a way, that makes them feel guilty and hopeless, not saying one word about what I promised the kids, just using the daily examples he gives the kids, constantly talking about money and costs.
He doesn't see what he does to the kids, who both were crying at me, when they told me what he told them. Also that we would be poor! (with a pretty good income!)
He also doen't understand the damage, he causes with saying that.
They felt so hopeless and bad. I stabilized them as good as I can. But last night I spoke to him again and he thinks it's totally right to tell them about it, that they need to know about reality and that they are old enough to deal with it.
No, I disagree, cause they are kids and they can't do anything about it, which leaves them with guilt and fear and hopelessness.
I told them, cause he works from home, he abuses them in these moments as a partner, to get rid of his own frustrations, with whom he can't deal.
What shall I do? How can I make him understand? He seems so stubbern about that it is right to confront them with our problems and does it 'secretly', not understanding, what that means to the kids and me.
How can I make him see? (move out..;-)
How can I make him understand, that it is bad for their developpement, that they can get depressed. It is already dificult for them, that their father broke of every contact, cause of depression.
I love my man but I can't just ignor what is going on but also don't reach anything when I try to expand his way of thinking. He just says, they should know about the facts of life.
He had a very tough childhood, with constant talk about money and brutal violence from his mother. Sometimes I think, that he wants them to have it more difficult, cause he is jealous of the way they spend their childhood. Something, he often said.
angela
I was shocked and promised them, not to tell him anything about what they would tell me. Then they opened up about it all and they were so glad, they could talk about it! He said, he didn't want them to tell me, cause it would be too much for me (oh, but not for them? They are 11 and 14 !).The real reason is, that he worries a lot at the moment about our financial situation but can't bear that we are positiv and strong (mentally) about it. He is in a little stessful situation and needs to constanly talk about it.
He took away hope from my kids with telling them, we would have to sell the house. This is so terrible (and not true ) .The kids told me, he told them all details about income and costs and that we spend more then we make etc. This is true and we work on it like most people on this planet. They said he often would complain about the money when I am gone and pleased me to make, that he stops with that.
I tried to talk to him about putting too much weight on kids with sharing grown up problems with them in a way, that makes them feel guilty and hopeless, not saying one word about what I promised the kids, just using the daily examples he gives the kids, constantly talking about money and costs.
He doesn't see what he does to the kids, who both were crying at me, when they told me what he told them. Also that we would be poor! (with a pretty good income!)
He also doen't understand the damage, he causes with saying that.
They felt so hopeless and bad. I stabilized them as good as I can. But last night I spoke to him again and he thinks it's totally right to tell them about it, that they need to know about reality and that they are old enough to deal with it.
No, I disagree, cause they are kids and they can't do anything about it, which leaves them with guilt and fear and hopelessness.
I told them, cause he works from home, he abuses them in these moments as a partner, to get rid of his own frustrations, with whom he can't deal.
What shall I do? How can I make him understand? He seems so stubbern about that it is right to confront them with our problems and does it 'secretly', not understanding, what that means to the kids and me.
How can I make him see? (move out..;-)
How can I make him understand, that it is bad for their developpement, that they can get depressed. It is already dificult for them, that their father broke of every contact, cause of depression.
I love my man but I can't just ignor what is going on but also don't reach anything when I try to expand his way of thinking. He just says, they should know about the facts of life.
He had a very tough childhood, with constant talk about money and brutal violence from his mother. Sometimes I think, that he wants them to have it more difficult, cause he is jealous of the way they spend their childhood. Something, he often said.
angela
Schuyler
Don't leave your kids home alone with him so much. Take them with you to piano lessons. Take them with you to run errands. If he is feeling the need to share out his misery, give him less opportunity. Don't make a big deal about it, just do it. Don't fuss and feud and fight over it, just make it easy for your kids to come along with you, with entertainment in the car, or some place that they could go and hang out while you are giving lessons, or whatever it is you are doing that is getting you out of the house, and go.
Be nicer to your husband. If he is feeling envious of how nicely these two children lives are, work to make his life better. Bring him something nice to eat while he's working. Bring him something nice to do when you are out. Make an effort to touch him kindly when you pass him by in the house. Work to make his home life feel better even if his financial life is feeling stressful. Be appreciative of what he does do for you and your children. Be appreciative of what he offers and what he shares and don't ask for more. Recognise that stepparent is a different role to parent and don't expect him to feel the same way about your children as you do. Give him space and love and generosity. Don't ask him to be more than he is or can be.
Schuyler
________________________________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Be nicer to your husband. If he is feeling envious of how nicely these two children lives are, work to make his life better. Bring him something nice to eat while he's working. Bring him something nice to do when you are out. Make an effort to touch him kindly when you pass him by in the house. Work to make his home life feel better even if his financial life is feeling stressful. Be appreciative of what he does do for you and your children. Be appreciative of what he offers and what he shares and don't ask for more. Recognise that stepparent is a different role to parent and don't expect him to feel the same way about your children as you do. Give him space and love and generosity. Don't ask him to be more than he is or can be.
Schuyler
________________________________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 22, 2012, at 3:53 AM, angela.schwickert wrote:
Keeping big secrets from kids isn't a good idea. They know. They'll sense the stress and the changes around them. And they'll feel powerless.
If that's the best he can do in this out of ordinary circumstance, it's because stress is overwhelming him. Anger won't fix the stress just add to it.
(I'm trying to write that in a way that *doesn't* suggest an abusive husband just needs his wife to be nicer to him.)
I like Schuyler's ideas of being more attentive and nurturing to help strengthen him.
Joyce
> But last night I spoke to him again and he thinks it's totallyThere can be a middle ground of giving them enough information -- like saying that finances are tight at the moment -- to help them make better decisions. And then empowering them with ideas that will allow them to contribute to solving the problem. One way can be working up a budget together. And keep reassessing the budget to see how well it's working.
> right to tell them about it, that they need to know about
> reality and that they are old enough to deal with it.
> No, I disagree, cause they are kids and they can't do anything
> about it, which leaves them with guilt and fear and hopelessness.
Keeping big secrets from kids isn't a good idea. They know. They'll sense the stress and the changes around them. And they'll feel powerless.
> What shall I do? How can I make him understand?If kids are making less than stellar choices in solving problems, it's helpful to see that they're doing the best they can and that they need help to do better. They might not be developmentally ready. They might be in over their heads. They might be overwhelmed by the situation.
> He seems so stubbern about that it is right to confront them
> with our problems and does it 'secretly', not understanding,
> what that means to the kids and me.
If that's the best he can do in this out of ordinary circumstance, it's because stress is overwhelming him. Anger won't fix the stress just add to it.
(I'm trying to write that in a way that *doesn't* suggest an abusive husband just needs his wife to be nicer to him.)
I like Schuyler's ideas of being more attentive and nurturing to help strengthen him.
Joyce
Christina Chaffin
Sorry to pick this as my first post, but please... "be more attentive and nurturing"??
Your husband is a grown man, your children are children. Yes, they do realize when something is going on, but they do not need to be told every detail. More importantly, is the idea that he is doing this behind your back.
I am speaking from personal experience. My husband and I had severe financial problems early in our marriage and were even homeless for a short period of time (lived in a cheap motel). He was my second husband and felt personally responsible for our problems. My oldest son was 13 and we tried to keep as much as we could from him leading up to us having to move. In fact, I had him spend as much time as possible with my mother and he lived with her while we were in the motel. I was trying to keep his life as normal as possible. He is now 22 and remembers some of the details, but it did not "damage" him in any way, nor did he ever think he was even remotely to blame. I am thankful he never knew how bad things had been (my mother helped shield him from some details), and also that my now almost 10 year old son was only a baby at the time.
My husband and I had good jobs, and then my disability from a high risk pregnancy followed by his work place accident, that left us fighting with workers comp for more than a year, completely changed our lives in the blink of an eye. We were extremely stressed and worried daily on how we would survive, while trying to parent my son and our new baby. I remember getting in the shower on numerous occasions and crying until I was spent- the only place I could do this without my son hearing.
My point...finally :) ... is that your husband needs to be stronger and discuss his concerns with you or another adult, but not your children. I'm sorry, but I think his jealously over their lifestyle is a driving force behind his need to include them in all the messy details. I would confront him with his secrets and tell him your children are off limits when it comes to his need to discuss your financial problems.
Not ment to offend... just my humble opinion from someone whose has been there.
By the way, my husband and I survived and our marriage is stronger than ever. Financially we are strong, my oldest will graduate from college in June, and our youngest loves being homeschooled.
Best of luck!
Chris
Your husband is a grown man, your children are children. Yes, they do realize when something is going on, but they do not need to be told every detail. More importantly, is the idea that he is doing this behind your back.
I am speaking from personal experience. My husband and I had severe financial problems early in our marriage and were even homeless for a short period of time (lived in a cheap motel). He was my second husband and felt personally responsible for our problems. My oldest son was 13 and we tried to keep as much as we could from him leading up to us having to move. In fact, I had him spend as much time as possible with my mother and he lived with her while we were in the motel. I was trying to keep his life as normal as possible. He is now 22 and remembers some of the details, but it did not "damage" him in any way, nor did he ever think he was even remotely to blame. I am thankful he never knew how bad things had been (my mother helped shield him from some details), and also that my now almost 10 year old son was only a baby at the time.
My husband and I had good jobs, and then my disability from a high risk pregnancy followed by his work place accident, that left us fighting with workers comp for more than a year, completely changed our lives in the blink of an eye. We were extremely stressed and worried daily on how we would survive, while trying to parent my son and our new baby. I remember getting in the shower on numerous occasions and crying until I was spent- the only place I could do this without my son hearing.
My point...finally :) ... is that your husband needs to be stronger and discuss his concerns with you or another adult, but not your children. I'm sorry, but I think his jealously over their lifestyle is a driving force behind his need to include them in all the messy details. I would confront him with his secrets and tell him your children are off limits when it comes to his need to discuss your financial problems.
Not ment to offend... just my humble opinion from someone whose has been there.
By the way, my husband and I survived and our marriage is stronger than ever. Financially we are strong, my oldest will graduate from college in June, and our youngest loves being homeschooled.
Best of luck!
Chris
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Jan 22, 2012, at 3:53 AM, angela.schwickert wrote:
>
> > But last night I spoke to him again and he thinks it's totally
> > right to tell them about it, that they need to know about
> > reality and that they are old enough to deal with it.
> > No, I disagree, cause they are kids and they can't do anything
> > about it, which leaves them with guilt and fear and hopelessness.
>
> There can be a middle ground of giving them enough information -- like saying that finances are tight at the moment -- to help them make better decisions. And then empowering them with ideas that will allow them to contribute to solving the problem. One way can be working up a budget together. And keep reassessing the budget to see how well it's working.
>
> Keeping big secrets from kids isn't a good idea. They know. They'll sense the stress and the changes around them. And they'll feel powerless.
>
> > What shall I do? How can I make him understand?
> > He seems so stubbern about that it is right to confront them
> > with our problems and does it 'secretly', not understanding,
> > what that means to the kids and me.
>
> If kids are making less than stellar choices in solving problems, it's helpful to see that they're doing the best they can and that they need help to do better. They might not be developmentally ready. They might be in over their heads. They might be overwhelmed by the situation.
>
> If that's the best he can do in this out of ordinary circumstance, it's because stress is overwhelming him. Anger won't fix the stress just add to it.
>
> (I'm trying to write that in a way that *doesn't* suggest an abusive husband just needs his wife to be nicer to him.)
>
> I like Schuyler's ideas of being more attentive and nurturing to help strengthen him.
>
> Joyce
>
Meredith
"angela.schwickert" <angela.schwickert@...> wrote:
The impression I'm getting from you is that you haven't been telling your kids any of this and its all new or only coming from your husband - and the one is as bad as the other. No information sets kids up to be powerless and helpless.
How much do You talk with your kids about finances? I don't mean dump on them, but do you let them know you need to cut back expenses and may need to move to a smaller house as part of that? Have you brought them into the process a little so they feel like they have some "say" in what's going on and can help brainstorm?
To an extent, he's right, even if he's going a bit overboard in what and how he's telling them - but that very fact makes me think you're not saying/doing enough. It's common for one parent to try and overcompensate for what he or she sees as flaws in the other. Look for ways to meet him half way. Kids don't need All the doom and gloom, but they do need to learn how to live in the world.
What is?
I'm poor. My kids are poor. They know it, and have known it since they were pretty little. It doesn't make for a sad, pathetic life, it means we sometimes need to do some extra brainstorming and look for creative way to get what we want. It means they ask about finances at times and want to be involved in decisions which affect them - not all the gory details! but they don't want to be out of the loop, either.
Be gentle with him. Do what you can to make his life more pleasant and less stressful. Would moving to a smaller house or apartment help that, do you think? It might be a good idea to ask him. What does He think y'all need to do about your finances? Make sure he feels like you're listening to his concerns, not just sweeping them under the rug, la la la! it's a pretty day!
If the kids aren't happy being home with them, look for ways to bring them along with you. Have they been unhappy with him for the whole six years? If not, what's changed? Can you make life sweeter and more pleasant again for all of them? Make all of you a team again instead of mom-and-kids versus the big blue meany?
---Meredith
>> > He took away hope from my kids with telling them, we would have to sell the house. This is so terrible (and not true ) .The kids told me, he told them all details about income and costs and that we spend more then we make etc. This is true and we work on it like most people on this planet.******************
The impression I'm getting from you is that you haven't been telling your kids any of this and its all new or only coming from your husband - and the one is as bad as the other. No information sets kids up to be powerless and helpless.
How much do You talk with your kids about finances? I don't mean dump on them, but do you let them know you need to cut back expenses and may need to move to a smaller house as part of that? Have you brought them into the process a little so they feel like they have some "say" in what's going on and can help brainstorm?
>>he thinks it's totally right to tell them about it, that they need to know about reality and that they are old enough to deal with it.***************
To an extent, he's right, even if he's going a bit overboard in what and how he's telling them - but that very fact makes me think you're not saying/doing enough. It's common for one parent to try and overcompensate for what he or she sees as flaws in the other. Look for ways to meet him half way. Kids don't need All the doom and gloom, but they do need to learn how to live in the world.
> How can I make him understand, that it is bad for their developpement*****************
What is?
I'm poor. My kids are poor. They know it, and have known it since they were pretty little. It doesn't make for a sad, pathetic life, it means we sometimes need to do some extra brainstorming and look for creative way to get what we want. It means they ask about finances at times and want to be involved in decisions which affect them - not all the gory details! but they don't want to be out of the loop, either.
> He had a very tough childhood, with constant talk about money and brutal violence from his mother. Sometimes I think, that he wants them to have it more difficult, cause he is jealous of the way they spend their childhood.**************
Be gentle with him. Do what you can to make his life more pleasant and less stressful. Would moving to a smaller house or apartment help that, do you think? It might be a good idea to ask him. What does He think y'all need to do about your finances? Make sure he feels like you're listening to his concerns, not just sweeping them under the rug, la la la! it's a pretty day!
If the kids aren't happy being home with them, look for ways to bring them along with you. Have they been unhappy with him for the whole six years? If not, what's changed? Can you make life sweeter and more pleasant again for all of them? Make all of you a team again instead of mom-and-kids versus the big blue meany?
>>we spend more then we makeAre you spending a lot On The Kids and that's part of his resentment? That's something to consider. He might be feeling like everyone's getting a piece of the pie but him, like all y'all's peace and freedom is bought with his pain and suffering. Do you let him know you're grateful for all he does? Fill him up with appreciation and affection on a regular basis so he knows he's important to you.
---Meredith
Meredith
"Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
I want to add to this. If he feels you're not listening, that could be why he's dumping so much, so hard on the kids - because you'll listen to them. So the more you can take his concerns seriously, the more you move your kids out from being the stomping ground for your marital problems.
Something like "we'll have to sell the house" can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy if your husband can't see a reason to prevent it from happening. I don't mean he'd do something malicious, but if he's feeling overwhelmed, it's a short step to letting things unravel just a little more - not maliciously, but as a reaction to a feeling of powerlessness.
---Meredith
> Would moving to a smaller house or apartment help that, do you think? It might be a good idea to ask him. What does He think y'all need to do about your finances? Make sure he feels like you're listening to his concerns****************
I want to add to this. If he feels you're not listening, that could be why he's dumping so much, so hard on the kids - because you'll listen to them. So the more you can take his concerns seriously, the more you move your kids out from being the stomping ground for your marital problems.
Something like "we'll have to sell the house" can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy if your husband can't see a reason to prevent it from happening. I don't mean he'd do something malicious, but if he's feeling overwhelmed, it's a short step to letting things unravel just a little more - not maliciously, but as a reaction to a feeling of powerlessness.
---Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 22, 2012, at 8:58 AM, Christina Chaffin wrote:
There are better approaches that not only tackle the problem but strengthen the relationship.
While his choice was lousy, it's not because he thoughtfully decided to make a bad choice over a good choice. He made what felt like the right choice in a stressful situation. He felt backed into a corner with no options that he could see that were helpful.
"Laying down the law" on someone doesn't help them find better solutions. "Laying down the law" doesn't help change the stress they feel.
Creating a more pleasant atmosphere can help relieve the stress. Talking rationally instead of "Your way is wrong. You need to do it the right/my way." The wife making changes that can help relieve other stresses in his life can help.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> your husband needs to beEvery time a spouse, every time a parent takes a stand that "You need to be ..." it weakens the relationship.
There are better approaches that not only tackle the problem but strengthen the relationship.
While his choice was lousy, it's not because he thoughtfully decided to make a bad choice over a good choice. He made what felt like the right choice in a stressful situation. He felt backed into a corner with no options that he could see that were helpful.
"Laying down the law" on someone doesn't help them find better solutions. "Laying down the law" doesn't help change the stress they feel.
Creating a more pleasant atmosphere can help relieve the stress. Talking rationally instead of "Your way is wrong. You need to do it the right/my way." The wife making changes that can help relieve other stresses in his life can help.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 22, 2012, at 8:58 AM, Christina Chaffin wrote:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/?yguid=322244815
This list is intended for discussing, dissecting, analyzing ideas beneath a light of what will help the principles of unschooling flourish and what will hinder.
Learning happens even when finances are tight. It is hindered when parents fight, when one parent is stressed and the other parent puts even more stress on them. Learning flourishes when the atmosphere is peaceful, supportive and cooperative. If one spouse wants the atmosphere to be more like that, it doesn't help peace to make the family conform. It does help to *be* more supportive, cooperative and peaceful and the change things so others can make those choices more easily.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Not ment to offend... just my humble opinionThis is a statement useful in social situations where the norm is not to disagree. You should have gotten two emails explaining the flavor of the list. If you deleted them, please read the description and the links at the front page:
> from someone whose has been there.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/?yguid=322244815
This list is intended for discussing, dissecting, analyzing ideas beneath a light of what will help the principles of unschooling flourish and what will hinder.
Learning happens even when finances are tight. It is hindered when parents fight, when one parent is stressed and the other parent puts even more stress on them. Learning flourishes when the atmosphere is peaceful, supportive and cooperative. If one spouse wants the atmosphere to be more like that, it doesn't help peace to make the family conform. It does help to *be* more supportive, cooperative and peaceful and the change things so others can make those choices more easily.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
That was inspiring Schuyler. I have been a stepparent and I love my stepkids but it is different.
And being stressed about finances can be really really hard.
Talk to your kids that he is stressed and may be seeing things not in a clear way and if he is telling them those things, he may feel they are the only ones that will listen to him or that he feels comfortable talking to them . Tell them that things are not that dire but that he may not be able to see that now. Tell them you guys are working on it and that the economy is not great in general for most people.
I do not know the age of your kids but with mine I do talk about not being able to afford things right now and we plan and save and wait for the next pay check. I do very lightly talk about our situation without making them afraid of the future.
Alex Polikowsky
_,_._,___
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
And being stressed about finances can be really really hard.
Talk to your kids that he is stressed and may be seeing things not in a clear way and if he is telling them those things, he may feel they are the only ones that will listen to him or that he feels comfortable talking to them . Tell them that things are not that dire but that he may not be able to see that now. Tell them you guys are working on it and that the economy is not great in general for most people.
I do not know the age of your kids but with mine I do talk about not being able to afford things right now and we plan and save and wait for the next pay check. I do very lightly talk about our situation without making them afraid of the future.
Alex Polikowsky
_,_._,___
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
About Meredith's post it can be applied to dad's too. Not only steppdads!!
I know sometimes I do not tell my husband enough how we appreciated what he does for us.
This man that wakes up every day at 4:30 AM and works in any kind of weather until 9PM many days.
He does that 365 days a year and sometimes even spends the night checking on cows.
He has said things like: " we are going to needed to get food stamps" in front of the kids when he was feeling desperate for money.
He has felt like we spend too much and there are days he is super stressed about money. He has wanted to buy a pair of running shoes and not felt like he could do that. He buys nothing for himself. It is all for the kids. I will not buy stuff for me so he can get his running shoes!
So I am making the effort to tell him how much he means to us and make him feel appreciated and loved. I do things that makes him feel loved like help him feed bottle calves ( Oh man does he love that!) and wash pails.
I make his food every night , exactly what he wants to eat. I make a nice fire in the fireplace so he can lay on the couch and feel warm.
I go get him his diet coke ( and not complain it costs money!- I used too many years ago) because it is one of the only things he buys for himself and needs the caffeine to go all day.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I know sometimes I do not tell my husband enough how we appreciated what he does for us.
This man that wakes up every day at 4:30 AM and works in any kind of weather until 9PM many days.
He does that 365 days a year and sometimes even spends the night checking on cows.
He has said things like: " we are going to needed to get food stamps" in front of the kids when he was feeling desperate for money.
He has felt like we spend too much and there are days he is super stressed about money. He has wanted to buy a pair of running shoes and not felt like he could do that. He buys nothing for himself. It is all for the kids. I will not buy stuff for me so he can get his running shoes!
So I am making the effort to tell him how much he means to us and make him feel appreciated and loved. I do things that makes him feel loved like help him feed bottle calves ( Oh man does he love that!) and wash pails.
I make his food every night , exactly what he wants to eat. I make a nice fire in the fireplace so he can lay on the couch and feel warm.
I go get him his diet coke ( and not complain it costs money!- I used too many years ago) because it is one of the only things he buys for himself and needs the caffeine to go all day.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=I told them, cause he works from home, he abuses them in these moments as a partner-=-
...
-=-He had a very tough childhood, with constant talk about money and brutal violence from his mother. -=-
So for you to say he was being abusive, if all he was doing was talking, probably makes him resent you too. Perhaps he felt you were being abusive by going to piano lessons and then wanting to control what he said and did even while you were gone.
Many mothers make the mistake of thinking their husbands are their deputies, their lietenants, their assistants.
-=-I love my man but I can't just ignor what is going on but also don't reach anything when I try to expand his way of thinking.-=-
Does he think he's trying to expand your way of thinking? You wrote "He just says, they should know about the facts of life."
When you use "just" in that sentence, you're saying that whatever you say after that is small and unimportant.
http://sandradodd.com/partners
Being your child's partner is good, but if you're not also your husband's partner, you risk losing the marriage and the unschooling. Don't risk that.
Fortify your girls with information, maybe prepare them with things to say. Maybe they could play games with him while you're gone--something that doesn't cost money and gives them a way to interact so it won't turn to him talking about his thoughts that way. And it's not a guarantee, but it would be a change of routine.
Can the piano teacher come to your house? Can your girls go with you? Can they go somewhere else during the lessons? If not that's fine, but think of fifteen kinds of options, rather than the two lame ones you seem to have now, which is he does what he wants (you lose) or he does what YOU want (he loses).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
...
-=-He had a very tough childhood, with constant talk about money and brutal violence from his mother. -=-
So for you to say he was being abusive, if all he was doing was talking, probably makes him resent you too. Perhaps he felt you were being abusive by going to piano lessons and then wanting to control what he said and did even while you were gone.
Many mothers make the mistake of thinking their husbands are their deputies, their lietenants, their assistants.
-=-I love my man but I can't just ignor what is going on but also don't reach anything when I try to expand his way of thinking.-=-
Does he think he's trying to expand your way of thinking? You wrote "He just says, they should know about the facts of life."
When you use "just" in that sentence, you're saying that whatever you say after that is small and unimportant.
http://sandradodd.com/partners
Being your child's partner is good, but if you're not also your husband's partner, you risk losing the marriage and the unschooling. Don't risk that.
Fortify your girls with information, maybe prepare them with things to say. Maybe they could play games with him while you're gone--something that doesn't cost money and gives them a way to interact so it won't turn to him talking about his thoughts that way. And it's not a guarantee, but it would be a change of routine.
Can the piano teacher come to your house? Can your girls go with you? Can they go somewhere else during the lessons? If not that's fine, but think of fifteen kinds of options, rather than the two lame ones you seem to have now, which is he does what he wants (you lose) or he does what YOU want (he loses).
Sandra
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Sandra Dodd
-=Sorry to pick this as my first post, but please... "be more
attentive and nurturing"??
-=-Your husband is a grown man-=-
Are you suggesting adults don't need attention or nurturing?
-=Not ment to offend... just my humble opinion from someone whose has been there.-=-
Unless you have been there with unschooling as the central precept, then other's unschooling experience outweighs your pickiness.
-=-My point...finally :) ... is that your husband needs to be stronger and discuss his concerns with you or another adult, but not your children. I'm sorry, but I think his jealously over their lifestyle is a driving force behind his need to include them in all the messy details. I would confront him with his secrets and tell him your children are off limits when it comes to his need to discuss your financial problems. -=-
Because he is their stepfather, he gets some decisionmaking on what conversations to have. The mother can't declare unilaterally what is off limits and what is not. If she can explain her concerns logically and compassionately, it will go a lot farther toward creating and maintaining a peaceful home environment.
-=-My husband and I had good jobs, and then my disability from a high risk pregnancy followed by his work place accident, that left us fighting with workers comp for more than a year, completely changed our lives in the blink of an eye. We were extremely stressed and worried daily on how we would survive, while trying to parent my son and our new baby. I remember getting in the shower on numerous occasions and crying until I was spent- the only place I could do this without my son hearing. -=-
If someone had recommended, in those days, that your husband be attentive and nurturing, how cool would it have been for someone to have written in public to and about the person who gave that advice, " but please... 'be more attentive and nurturing'?? "Your wife is a grown woman."
No matter what the questions are on the list, the responses should be from the point of view of what will help unschooling thrive.
And beyond all that, a person who shuns or discouraging attention and nurturing might not hurt anyone but herself, but that's enough hurt, and too much. If you can be kinder in your thoughts about the peace of families, your ideas will be more useful to unschoolers, and the thoughts you have while formulating the advice will be better for your soul and the peace of your family.
Sandra
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attentive and nurturing"??
-=-Your husband is a grown man-=-
Are you suggesting adults don't need attention or nurturing?
-=Not ment to offend... just my humble opinion from someone whose has been there.-=-
Unless you have been there with unschooling as the central precept, then other's unschooling experience outweighs your pickiness.
-=-My point...finally :) ... is that your husband needs to be stronger and discuss his concerns with you or another adult, but not your children. I'm sorry, but I think his jealously over their lifestyle is a driving force behind his need to include them in all the messy details. I would confront him with his secrets and tell him your children are off limits when it comes to his need to discuss your financial problems. -=-
Because he is their stepfather, he gets some decisionmaking on what conversations to have. The mother can't declare unilaterally what is off limits and what is not. If she can explain her concerns logically and compassionately, it will go a lot farther toward creating and maintaining a peaceful home environment.
-=-My husband and I had good jobs, and then my disability from a high risk pregnancy followed by his work place accident, that left us fighting with workers comp for more than a year, completely changed our lives in the blink of an eye. We were extremely stressed and worried daily on how we would survive, while trying to parent my son and our new baby. I remember getting in the shower on numerous occasions and crying until I was spent- the only place I could do this without my son hearing. -=-
If someone had recommended, in those days, that your husband be attentive and nurturing, how cool would it have been for someone to have written in public to and about the person who gave that advice, " but please... 'be more attentive and nurturing'?? "Your wife is a grown woman."
No matter what the questions are on the list, the responses should be from the point of view of what will help unschooling thrive.
And beyond all that, a person who shuns or discouraging attention and nurturing might not hurt anyone but herself, but that's enough hurt, and too much. If you can be kinder in your thoughts about the peace of families, your ideas will be more useful to unschoolers, and the thoughts you have while formulating the advice will be better for your soul and the peace of your family.
Sandra
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Sandra Dodd
-=->>we spend more then we make
-=-Are you spending a lot On The Kids and that's part of his resentment? That's something to consider. He might be feeling like everyone's getting a piece of the pie but him, like all y'all's peace and freedom is bought with his pain and suffering. Do you let him know you're grateful for all he does? Fill him up with appreciation and affection on a regular basis so he knows he's important to you. -=-
Are you making money, too?
If not, do you mean "We spend more than he makes"?
That right there would be enough for resentment and fear on his part.
If you spend more than you make consistently, are you waiting for a miracle to save you? I can see going over a month or two, but if it's always, that leads to a big hole. And a divorce and two houses costs more than a single home.
Look ahead and help make the situation better.
Can you afford piano lessons?
Sandra
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-=-Are you spending a lot On The Kids and that's part of his resentment? That's something to consider. He might be feeling like everyone's getting a piece of the pie but him, like all y'all's peace and freedom is bought with his pain and suffering. Do you let him know you're grateful for all he does? Fill him up with appreciation and affection on a regular basis so he knows he's important to you. -=-
Are you making money, too?
If not, do you mean "We spend more than he makes"?
That right there would be enough for resentment and fear on his part.
If you spend more than you make consistently, are you waiting for a miracle to save you? I can see going over a month or two, but if it's always, that leads to a big hole. And a divorce and two houses costs more than a single home.
Look ahead and help make the situation better.
Can you afford piano lessons?
Sandra
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Schuyler
Can you afford piano lessons?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The original poster wrote "I came home from teaching piano the other day ".
Schuyler
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The original poster wrote "I came home from teaching piano the other day ".
Schuyler
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Sandra Dodd
-=--Can you afford piano lessons?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The original poster wrote "I came home from teaching piano the other day ". -=-
Very sorry.
So don't take the kids with you,
and you ARE earning money,
and you don't need lessons.
My bad reading. sorry.
Sandra
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The original poster wrote "I came home from teaching piano the other day ". -=-
Very sorry.
So don't take the kids with you,
and you ARE earning money,
and you don't need lessons.
My bad reading. sorry.
Sandra
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Deb Lewis
***he worries a lot at the moment about our financial situation but can't bear that we are positiv and strong (mentally) about it.***
If you’re so positive and strong that you seem to be dismissing his worries, who will he talk to? Who will be his partner in finding a solution? If you seem not to be taking the situation seriously it may seem to him enlisting the children is the only thing left to do. If you would rather he not talk to the children about it, then be someone he can talk to. Take his worries seriously, see if there’s something you could be doing (or not doing) that might help.
He might think he’s being kind, trying to prepare them in advance for what he fears: The possibility of a future without the comforts you now enjoy.
Your children can probably understand that worry may make a person exaggerate.
He seems stressed and worried and if you find a way to help him feel less stress and worry that will naturally benefit your kids, too.
Deb Lewis
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If you’re so positive and strong that you seem to be dismissing his worries, who will he talk to? Who will be his partner in finding a solution? If you seem not to be taking the situation seriously it may seem to him enlisting the children is the only thing left to do. If you would rather he not talk to the children about it, then be someone he can talk to. Take his worries seriously, see if there’s something you could be doing (or not doing) that might help.
He might think he’s being kind, trying to prepare them in advance for what he fears: The possibility of a future without the comforts you now enjoy.
Your children can probably understand that worry may make a person exaggerate.
He seems stressed and worried and if you find a way to help him feel less stress and worry that will naturally benefit your kids, too.
Deb Lewis
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