Mother-In-Law Issues
The Pommies
Firstly I should say that I am very emotional right now, but am trying to be as clear as I can be in this post.
My mother-in-law is coming on Monday to stay with us for a week and I am feeling very hurt and betrayed by my husband and I need help to work through this. A bit of background. My mother-in-law and I have a very strained relationship and we didn't speak for a couple of years after I confronted her, firmly but respectfully, about how she was treating my then 8 year old daughter (she was being very emotionally manipulative). She lives overseas and after I confronted her she literally packed her bags and flew back home rather than discuss the issue. There were then several nasty phonecalls from her other family members telling me what a bitch I was, which led to my husband and his brother no longer speaking.
My kids had no contact with her other than the occassional Skype call during the last 2 years, but that changed when my daughter asked to spend time with her. She said she felt more ready to handle her and take the good with the bad. Of course, I then initiated contact with her and we agreed to put the past behind us for the kids sake. We are both very watchful of how she is with the kids and alert to anything she may say that may hurt them.
The first visit she had after this was for a week three months ago. It was good for the kids but a disaster for me. On the surface everything seemed ok, but she was a raging bitch to me in a very snidey way. My daughter noticed it too which was sad. Comments about my parenting, my weight, my looks, unfavourable comparisons to my sister-in-law etc. Lots of underhand put-downs. All this I could take but at the end of the week when she cornered me on my own she started to cry and say how sad she was to be leaving my husband in this 'awful situation'. I was aghast, but she went on to tell me how unhappy he was, how stressed, and how she wished she could be here to help her poor, poor son. I said he was very happy but we were having a few issues, as all families do, but she just continued to cry and shake her head. She also stayed up late with my daughter one night and she talked to her about how awful her life must be in this family etc etc, but my daughter said she told her straight she was very happy. She wasn't upset and seems old enough to handle her granny's nonsense.
When I discussed this with my husband he was shocked and said he had only told her about our usual day-to-day stuff. Apparently he doesn't tell her he is happy and committed to this way of life (even though he believes that), because he assumed it was 'a given', and that it isn't up for discussion. I asked him to make sure she knew this, for the benefit of everyone for the next visit, and I assumed he had done that (he speaks to her every week).
Fast forward to now, and she is due to arrive on Monday. We have just had a rental inspection, which meant the last week was pretty stressful trying to get the house up together. Also, our son has been having some issues with the neighbours children and we have been worrying about that. I overhead him talking to her on Skype about this in a very negative way, and she started banging on about how she was going to have a serious chat with us when she gets here, and how we should put the kids into school, and our two youngest into childcare, and Jack into private therapy and she is going to pay for it all, and how she can't 'bear to see him like this', and how she is going to fix it all and save him blah blah! He just kind of ummed and nodded and then they signed off.
I was so hurt, and have been ever since. I confronted him and asked him how he truly feels and, as I already knew, he is committed to unschooling but still has some issues with the parenting side of things - I think it is transitional but that's another post! I explained to him that I thought he had agreed to make sure she knew we were happy, committed and it wasn't up for discussion - at least not with me! He said he would sort it on the drive home from the airport.
He did a similar thing with my parents the last time they visited discussing all the things that were 'wrong' with our lives, and they to got the impression that it was ok to make comments on our lifestyle. I had to firmly let them know that it wasn't up for discussion and I was very happy. I communicated with him then how disappointed I was that he put me in that position because it did cause a strain on me and my parents for a while. Now he is doing it again with his mother for the second time. He is a very negative person by nature - always sees the worst - and I think that he doesn't realise that people don't automatically know that overall he is happy unless he tells them.
At the moment I am so upset and can barely look at him. Of course, me feeling like this is going to make next week even harder to show a united front.
What do I do now? How do I move on from this feeling? Being firm with her and saying, 'We are just fine thankyou' will not work with her and I am so scared there is going to be a blow-up like there was 2 years ago.
Thanks for reading this far!
Chay.
My mother-in-law is coming on Monday to stay with us for a week and I am feeling very hurt and betrayed by my husband and I need help to work through this. A bit of background. My mother-in-law and I have a very strained relationship and we didn't speak for a couple of years after I confronted her, firmly but respectfully, about how she was treating my then 8 year old daughter (she was being very emotionally manipulative). She lives overseas and after I confronted her she literally packed her bags and flew back home rather than discuss the issue. There were then several nasty phonecalls from her other family members telling me what a bitch I was, which led to my husband and his brother no longer speaking.
My kids had no contact with her other than the occassional Skype call during the last 2 years, but that changed when my daughter asked to spend time with her. She said she felt more ready to handle her and take the good with the bad. Of course, I then initiated contact with her and we agreed to put the past behind us for the kids sake. We are both very watchful of how she is with the kids and alert to anything she may say that may hurt them.
The first visit she had after this was for a week three months ago. It was good for the kids but a disaster for me. On the surface everything seemed ok, but she was a raging bitch to me in a very snidey way. My daughter noticed it too which was sad. Comments about my parenting, my weight, my looks, unfavourable comparisons to my sister-in-law etc. Lots of underhand put-downs. All this I could take but at the end of the week when she cornered me on my own she started to cry and say how sad she was to be leaving my husband in this 'awful situation'. I was aghast, but she went on to tell me how unhappy he was, how stressed, and how she wished she could be here to help her poor, poor son. I said he was very happy but we were having a few issues, as all families do, but she just continued to cry and shake her head. She also stayed up late with my daughter one night and she talked to her about how awful her life must be in this family etc etc, but my daughter said she told her straight she was very happy. She wasn't upset and seems old enough to handle her granny's nonsense.
When I discussed this with my husband he was shocked and said he had only told her about our usual day-to-day stuff. Apparently he doesn't tell her he is happy and committed to this way of life (even though he believes that), because he assumed it was 'a given', and that it isn't up for discussion. I asked him to make sure she knew this, for the benefit of everyone for the next visit, and I assumed he had done that (he speaks to her every week).
Fast forward to now, and she is due to arrive on Monday. We have just had a rental inspection, which meant the last week was pretty stressful trying to get the house up together. Also, our son has been having some issues with the neighbours children and we have been worrying about that. I overhead him talking to her on Skype about this in a very negative way, and she started banging on about how she was going to have a serious chat with us when she gets here, and how we should put the kids into school, and our two youngest into childcare, and Jack into private therapy and she is going to pay for it all, and how she can't 'bear to see him like this', and how she is going to fix it all and save him blah blah! He just kind of ummed and nodded and then they signed off.
I was so hurt, and have been ever since. I confronted him and asked him how he truly feels and, as I already knew, he is committed to unschooling but still has some issues with the parenting side of things - I think it is transitional but that's another post! I explained to him that I thought he had agreed to make sure she knew we were happy, committed and it wasn't up for discussion - at least not with me! He said he would sort it on the drive home from the airport.
He did a similar thing with my parents the last time they visited discussing all the things that were 'wrong' with our lives, and they to got the impression that it was ok to make comments on our lifestyle. I had to firmly let them know that it wasn't up for discussion and I was very happy. I communicated with him then how disappointed I was that he put me in that position because it did cause a strain on me and my parents for a while. Now he is doing it again with his mother for the second time. He is a very negative person by nature - always sees the worst - and I think that he doesn't realise that people don't automatically know that overall he is happy unless he tells them.
At the moment I am so upset and can barely look at him. Of course, me feeling like this is going to make next week even harder to show a united front.
What do I do now? How do I move on from this feeling? Being firm with her and saying, 'We are just fine thankyou' will not work with her and I am so scared there is going to be a blow-up like there was 2 years ago.
Thanks for reading this far!
Chay.
Sandra Dodd
Plan to be out of the house as much as you can--children's museums, hikes, movies--anything to get into neutral territory. Maybe all of you go to another town, stay in a hotel, see a show or go to an amusement park.
Get out of your own house with everyone if you can.
When she complains ask her if she would like to put it in writing so you can think about it. Not in a hateful, angry way, but in such a way that she feels like you might think about it. And you should think about it. And partly in such a way that if she doesn't think it's worth writing down, maybe she'll stop nagging on and on and on. Ask her to write it down.
There are several advantages to this. Both of you will know that she has worded it just as she wanted to. You will have it on paper. You could make photocopies for backup, or to share with other relatives. And if things are different or better in a year or two, you could show her what she wrote and assure her that you did think about it, and things are better.
If you can prove progress that way, if in the future she starts on you, you could bring that out and say "this didn't come true. Do you want to write down what your concerns are today?"
Sandra
Get out of your own house with everyone if you can.
When she complains ask her if she would like to put it in writing so you can think about it. Not in a hateful, angry way, but in such a way that she feels like you might think about it. And you should think about it. And partly in such a way that if she doesn't think it's worth writing down, maybe she'll stop nagging on and on and on. Ask her to write it down.
There are several advantages to this. Both of you will know that she has worded it just as she wanted to. You will have it on paper. You could make photocopies for backup, or to share with other relatives. And if things are different or better in a year or two, you could show her what she wrote and assure her that you did think about it, and things are better.
If you can prove progress that way, if in the future she starts on you, you could bring that out and say "this didn't come true. Do you want to write down what your concerns are today?"
Sandra
Jenna Brotherton
Hi Sandra,
I'm not having massive issues with my MIL but occasionally things do come up in relation to our chosen way of parenting. And I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU for that last email - it was so clear and concise and I already feel more confident about dealing with future conflicts that may arise!!
Thank you again!
Cheers,
Jenna.
Sent from my iPhone
Ph: 0457 316 258
I'm not having massive issues with my MIL but occasionally things do come up in relation to our chosen way of parenting. And I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU for that last email - it was so clear and concise and I already feel more confident about dealing with future conflicts that may arise!!
Thank you again!
Cheers,
Jenna.
Sent from my iPhone
Ph: 0457 316 258
On 20/01/2012, at 9:26 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> Plan to be out of the house as much as you can--children's museums, hikes, movies--anything to get into neutral territory. Maybe all of you go to another town, stay in a hotel, see a show or go to an amusement park.
>
> Get out of your own house with everyone if you can.
>
> When she complains ask her if she would like to put it in writing so you can think about it. Not in a hateful, angry way, but in such a way that she feels like you might think about it. And you should think about it. And partly in such a way that if she doesn't think it's worth writing down, maybe she'll stop nagging on and on and on. Ask her to write it down.
>
> There are several advantages to this. Both of you will know that she has worded it just as she wanted to. You will have it on paper. You could make photocopies for backup, or to share with other relatives. And if things are different or better in a year or two, you could show her what she wrote and assure her that you did think about it, and things are better.
>
> If you can prove progress that way, if in the future she starts on you, you could bring that out and say "this didn't come true. Do you want to write down what your concerns are today?"
>
> Sandra
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
***We are both very watchful of how she is with the kids and alert to anything she may say that may hurt them. ***
Kids sometimes deal with this stuff better than their parents. Especially children who aren’t in school and who aren’t hearing a bunch of negative stuff. Sometimes the way a parent hears it has more to do with that parent’s childhood than with her own kids.
***I was so hurt, and have been ever since. I confronted him and asked him how he truly feels and, as I already knew, he is committed to unschooling but still has some issues with the parenting side of things –...***
If he has a hard time standing up to his mom then maybe he has a hard time with you, too. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable telling you his real feelings. If you’ve felt surprised more than once that someone got a very different impression from him than what you were thinking, it’s possible the two of you aren’t communicating well. That’s not the end of the world. It might mean you have to listen more carefully, ask more direct questions, and take more action about things you know concern him.
There was a time David was more worried about Dylan. To David it seemed all Dylan did was watch TV or play video games. David wasn’t home very much to see the other stuff we did. So I made a point, when he was away to tell he what we’d done that week. And when he was home I made sure to be doing more. I had been happy to stay home when David was home, to hang out with him and have a cozy nest, and so Dylan was watching more TV at those times. David was thinking that’s how things were all the time for Dylan and it worried him.
So consider whether your husband’s worries aren’t being addressed and do what you can to remedy that. If he’s heard more than once that “things aren’t up for discussion” with his mom or your parents then he likely thinks they’re not up for discussion with him, either. Saying, we’re happy and you need to tell every one we’re happy, isn’t any kind of real communication.
I want to caution you about coercing your husband or kids to show some united front if it means glossing over your husband’s concerns or real issues with your kids. That’s not healthy for your family. That’s the kind of thing that goes on in the homes of alcoholics and it made me wonder if you’re the child of an alcoholic or the grand child of an alcoholic. Your family should not have to have any kind of scripted, “we’re all happy” dialog with grandma.
I sympathize because she sounds quite horrible. I wouldn’t have a person like that in my home. I’d let my husband go to her home with the kids if they wanted to see her or meet in some half way point, new city, and let my husband and kids visit while I did something else. My first thought was that maybe she’s ill because her behavior seems so over the top. But if she’s getting the idea you’re trying to hide family dysfunction then she might be so worried she’s not behaving well. Still, I second Sandra’s recommendation for this visit. Get out of the house, stay on neutral ground as much as possible. Let your husband be with her most of the time.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kids sometimes deal with this stuff better than their parents. Especially children who aren’t in school and who aren’t hearing a bunch of negative stuff. Sometimes the way a parent hears it has more to do with that parent’s childhood than with her own kids.
***I was so hurt, and have been ever since. I confronted him and asked him how he truly feels and, as I already knew, he is committed to unschooling but still has some issues with the parenting side of things –...***
If he has a hard time standing up to his mom then maybe he has a hard time with you, too. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable telling you his real feelings. If you’ve felt surprised more than once that someone got a very different impression from him than what you were thinking, it’s possible the two of you aren’t communicating well. That’s not the end of the world. It might mean you have to listen more carefully, ask more direct questions, and take more action about things you know concern him.
There was a time David was more worried about Dylan. To David it seemed all Dylan did was watch TV or play video games. David wasn’t home very much to see the other stuff we did. So I made a point, when he was away to tell he what we’d done that week. And when he was home I made sure to be doing more. I had been happy to stay home when David was home, to hang out with him and have a cozy nest, and so Dylan was watching more TV at those times. David was thinking that’s how things were all the time for Dylan and it worried him.
So consider whether your husband’s worries aren’t being addressed and do what you can to remedy that. If he’s heard more than once that “things aren’t up for discussion” with his mom or your parents then he likely thinks they’re not up for discussion with him, either. Saying, we’re happy and you need to tell every one we’re happy, isn’t any kind of real communication.
I want to caution you about coercing your husband or kids to show some united front if it means glossing over your husband’s concerns or real issues with your kids. That’s not healthy for your family. That’s the kind of thing that goes on in the homes of alcoholics and it made me wonder if you’re the child of an alcoholic or the grand child of an alcoholic. Your family should not have to have any kind of scripted, “we’re all happy” dialog with grandma.
I sympathize because she sounds quite horrible. I wouldn’t have a person like that in my home. I’d let my husband go to her home with the kids if they wanted to see her or meet in some half way point, new city, and let my husband and kids visit while I did something else. My first thought was that maybe she’s ill because her behavior seems so over the top. But if she’s getting the idea you’re trying to hide family dysfunction then she might be so worried she’s not behaving well. Still, I second Sandra’s recommendation for this visit. Get out of the house, stay on neutral ground as much as possible. Let your husband be with her most of the time.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The Pommies
** Kids sometimes deal with this stuff better than their parents. Especially children who arenât in school and who arenât hearing a bunch of negative stuff. Sometimes the way a parent hears it has more to do with that parentâs childhood than with her own kids**
I totally agree. If my kids are ok with it then I am, if not then I going to do something about it.**
**Maybe he doesnât feel comfortable telling you his real feelings. If youâve felt surprised more than once that someone got a very different impression from him than what you were thinking, itâs possible the two of you arenât communicating well.**
This is what made me so hurt and upset. I always thought we were open and honest and could talk about anything. My worries were he felt he couldn't talk to me. He has reassured me that he has been honest but he feels he does tend to talk with people about the negatives rather than the positives, which is no doubt why she is so worried.
**If heâs heard more than once that âthings arenât up for discussionâ with his mom or your parents then he likely thinks theyâre not up for discussion with him, either. Saying, weâre happy and you need to tell every one weâre happy, isnât any kind of real communication.**
I agree. But it has never been the case that things are not up for discussion with him, but with 'outsiders'. Between us as a family we can discuss anything, but I do think it crosses the line for friends, parents, etc to think its ok to discuss our lifestyle in any depth with them, like we are under the microscope.
** I want to caution you about coercing your husband or kids to show some united front if it means glossing over your husbandâs concerns or real issues with your kids. Thatâs not healthy for your family. Thatâs the kind of thing that goes on in the homes of alcoholics and it made me wonder if youâre the child of an alcoholic or the grand child of an alcoholic. Your family should not have to have any kind of scripted, âweâre all happyâ dialog with grandma. **
No not from a family of alcoholics. My childhood was very happy. I wouldn't want everyone to be scripted, and I wouldn't even discuss what to say and what not to say with my kids, but I do think my husband should talk honestly about the good stuff, rather than pointing out all his worries. I don't want him to lie, I just don't want him to be the doom and gloom merchant who then, understandably, worries her and leads her on a path to save us all!
I am planning to get out of the house on neutral territory every day - things are always harder at home I find.
Thanks for all your advice, it has been very helpful. I would really like her to not stay at our house anymore, but she would be hugely offended. Very tricky!
Chay.
I totally agree. If my kids are ok with it then I am, if not then I going to do something about it.**
**Maybe he doesnât feel comfortable telling you his real feelings. If youâve felt surprised more than once that someone got a very different impression from him than what you were thinking, itâs possible the two of you arenât communicating well.**
This is what made me so hurt and upset. I always thought we were open and honest and could talk about anything. My worries were he felt he couldn't talk to me. He has reassured me that he has been honest but he feels he does tend to talk with people about the negatives rather than the positives, which is no doubt why she is so worried.
**If heâs heard more than once that âthings arenât up for discussionâ with his mom or your parents then he likely thinks theyâre not up for discussion with him, either. Saying, weâre happy and you need to tell every one weâre happy, isnât any kind of real communication.**
I agree. But it has never been the case that things are not up for discussion with him, but with 'outsiders'. Between us as a family we can discuss anything, but I do think it crosses the line for friends, parents, etc to think its ok to discuss our lifestyle in any depth with them, like we are under the microscope.
** I want to caution you about coercing your husband or kids to show some united front if it means glossing over your husbandâs concerns or real issues with your kids. Thatâs not healthy for your family. Thatâs the kind of thing that goes on in the homes of alcoholics and it made me wonder if youâre the child of an alcoholic or the grand child of an alcoholic. Your family should not have to have any kind of scripted, âweâre all happyâ dialog with grandma. **
No not from a family of alcoholics. My childhood was very happy. I wouldn't want everyone to be scripted, and I wouldn't even discuss what to say and what not to say with my kids, but I do think my husband should talk honestly about the good stuff, rather than pointing out all his worries. I don't want him to lie, I just don't want him to be the doom and gloom merchant who then, understandably, worries her and leads her on a path to save us all!
I am planning to get out of the house on neutral territory every day - things are always harder at home I find.
Thanks for all your advice, it has been very helpful. I would really like her to not stay at our house anymore, but she would be hugely offended. Very tricky!
Chay.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<<"This is what made me so hurt and upset. I always thought we were open and honest and could talk about anything. My worries were he felt he couldn't talk to me. He has reassured me that he has been honest but he feels he does tend to talk with people about the negatives rather than the positives, which is no doubt why she is so worried.
No not from a family of alcoholics. My childhood was very happy. I wouldn't want everyone to be scripted, and I wouldn't even discuss what to say and what not to say with my kids, but I do think my husband should talk honestly about the good stuff, rather than pointing out all his worries. I don't want him to lie, I just don't want him to be the doom and gloom merchant who then, understandably, worries her and leads her on a path to save us all! ">>>>>
-=-=-=-=-=-
If he only talks about the negatives then not only he is focusing on them but he is probably feeling there are more negatives than positives. Even if he says he is happy the negatives. It may really be that he is a negative person but I can see why a mom would worry if the only thing she heard from her son was negativity about his life,. marriage, home or kids.
Maybe he is like that because his mom is like that and no matter what you do she will only hear the negative things he says even if he says he is happy.
Either way I would really , gently and lovingly make his life sweeter and more peaceful. Don;t be mad at him. It is his mom and your kids want to see Grandma.
Be sweet, be understanding, listen to him, really listen. What are the negatives ? ( do not answer here) Can you do anything about them? Can you change something that will help them not be negatives.
If the house is too messy and it bothers your husband just do not say:"Oh unschooling homes are like that." or say it is because the kids. Maybe keep the places he hangs out tidier. Maybe the bedroom where he sleeps. That can give the person a little escape from children chaos!. ( this is just an example).
Also husbands can feel unheard, I know mine have, when we make all the decisions and do not consult them. Sometimes asking their opinions and just listening to them can help them feel like they matter. Don't just shoot his opinions down. Listen to them. Ask and listen. I am still working on this one!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
<<<<<"I am planning to get out of the house on neutral territory every day - things are always harder at home I find. ">>>>>>>
I too think that is a good idea.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The Pommies
*** Maybe he is like that because his mom is like that and no matter what you do she will only hear the negative things he says even if he says he is happy ***
This has hit the nail on the head. He talks mostly about the negative (although he can't see it), and is quite the doom and gloom merchant when it comes to the future, and she is actually worse. She once said that (and this is a direct, and commonly stated, quote), 'I'm not a negative person, just a realist. 75% of life is crap, only rare moments are any good, and that's just the way life is'. She and her family have nicknamed her 'Calamity Jane' and constantly refer to how nothing good happens in her life, the world is out to get her, blah blah. His childhood was frittered with negative messages like this and he is WAYYYY more positive than his mum - that isn't hard but its progress!!
This has hit the nail on the head. He talks mostly about the negative (although he can't see it), and is quite the doom and gloom merchant when it comes to the future, and she is actually worse. She once said that (and this is a direct, and commonly stated, quote), 'I'm not a negative person, just a realist. 75% of life is crap, only rare moments are any good, and that's just the way life is'. She and her family have nicknamed her 'Calamity Jane' and constantly refer to how nothing good happens in her life, the world is out to get her, blah blah. His childhood was frittered with negative messages like this and he is WAYYYY more positive than his mum - that isn't hard but its progress!!
> Either way I would really , gently and lovingly make his life sweeter and more peaceful. Don;t be mad at him. It is his mom and your kids want to see Grandma.***I'm trying not to be mad, and be more loving and gentle with him. He has a strange relationship with his mother, but she means the world to him, and I have always known that but, even after 14 years of marriage, it is good to have the reminder to be respectful of that. Thanks Alex.****