Intro and advice about teen, divorce, etc.
taraannwho
Hi all,
I've been a lurker on and off for many years. I'm Tara and live with my husband, 11 year old daughter and almost 15 year old son. We're notorious flip floppers when it comes to unschooling; but, my husband and I are committed to trying until we get there! I wish I had reached out sooner for advice as I really enjoy reading the list and the reccomended sites....
I am divorced from my eldest's father. We were married young and divorced young. We were only together until our son was 18 mos, but we've co parented in the same city for most of the ensuing years, with me taking on the bulk of the day to day parenting and decision making. I started homeschooling our son after kindergarten. His dad was never really on board with it and while he wasn't openly negative, kids sense these things and a few comments, snide remarks and dinner time spelling tests really do have quite an impact. My son feels that homeschooling might have been a mistake and that he "just wants to be normal." He has and does struggle with the mixed messages he has received both from me, his step-dad and his dad. My son decided to attend 9th grade this year and has been attending a very small public alternative school. He doesn't like it and has decided to move into his dad's house and attend the local, much larger high school there. He'll be in the same city and living at my house most weekends.
I could list the million things I wish I had done differently; but, mostly I'd love some advice on how to move forward, things to think about and what to avoid. My husband and I are starting the deschooling process (again) with our daughter, who has always been homeschooled. I have a tendency to get anxious if she isn't "doing something" and we've gone back and forth so many times between "doing school" and trying unschooling that we are in a bit of a muddle! Also, how do I support my son's schooling but avoid getting angsty about grades and homework? I have a hard time not making him do his homework or trying to talk to him about his grades. Anyone been through this? I think we've been trying to keep a foot in both camps for a long time (especially my son, who has to live in both camps) and it hasn't served us at all. Having my son move to his dad's has really given me a jolt and I'm ready to commit to a lifestyle change....we could really use some healing.
And if anyone ever wants to know why divorce should be a last resort, ask me!
-Tara
I've been a lurker on and off for many years. I'm Tara and live with my husband, 11 year old daughter and almost 15 year old son. We're notorious flip floppers when it comes to unschooling; but, my husband and I are committed to trying until we get there! I wish I had reached out sooner for advice as I really enjoy reading the list and the reccomended sites....
I am divorced from my eldest's father. We were married young and divorced young. We were only together until our son was 18 mos, but we've co parented in the same city for most of the ensuing years, with me taking on the bulk of the day to day parenting and decision making. I started homeschooling our son after kindergarten. His dad was never really on board with it and while he wasn't openly negative, kids sense these things and a few comments, snide remarks and dinner time spelling tests really do have quite an impact. My son feels that homeschooling might have been a mistake and that he "just wants to be normal." He has and does struggle with the mixed messages he has received both from me, his step-dad and his dad. My son decided to attend 9th grade this year and has been attending a very small public alternative school. He doesn't like it and has decided to move into his dad's house and attend the local, much larger high school there. He'll be in the same city and living at my house most weekends.
I could list the million things I wish I had done differently; but, mostly I'd love some advice on how to move forward, things to think about and what to avoid. My husband and I are starting the deschooling process (again) with our daughter, who has always been homeschooled. I have a tendency to get anxious if she isn't "doing something" and we've gone back and forth so many times between "doing school" and trying unschooling that we are in a bit of a muddle! Also, how do I support my son's schooling but avoid getting angsty about grades and homework? I have a hard time not making him do his homework or trying to talk to him about his grades. Anyone been through this? I think we've been trying to keep a foot in both camps for a long time (especially my son, who has to live in both camps) and it hasn't served us at all. Having my son move to his dad's has really given me a jolt and I'm ready to commit to a lifestyle change....we could really use some healing.
And if anyone ever wants to know why divorce should be a last resort, ask me!
-Tara
Sandra Dodd
-=-Also, how do I support my son's schooling but avoid getting angsty about grades and homework? I have a hard time not making him do his homework or trying to talk to him about his grades. -=-
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
Does he want you to pressure him about homework? If so, maybe remind him, or set up a reminder system. If he doesn't want pressure, then leave him alone.
-=-I think we've been trying to keep a foot in both camps for a long time (especially my son, who has to live in both camps) and it hasn't served us at all.-=-
Be wary of "has to," every single time you say, write, or think it: "especially my son, who has to live in both camps"
He doesn't "have to." If you're nice, he'll continue to choose to.
Don't think of him as being powerless in a "have to" situation. If he has options and is choosing what seems best to him, don't see it as your loss, but as his gain. If your relationship with him is a partnership, when he wins, you win.
-=- Having my son move to his dad's has really given me a jolt and I'm ready to commit to a lifestyle change....we could really use some healing.-=-
There's a sound file at the bottom you can listen to there or download (freely). It will help.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
Might not apply, but just in case it does...
http://sandradodd.com/issues
Deschooling. If you start over with this and really don't relapse (or if you do start over again), you should be in a better place all the way around, and better able to deal with your son's situation, too.
http://sandradodd.com/deschooling
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
Does he want you to pressure him about homework? If so, maybe remind him, or set up a reminder system. If he doesn't want pressure, then leave him alone.
-=-I think we've been trying to keep a foot in both camps for a long time (especially my son, who has to live in both camps) and it hasn't served us at all.-=-
Be wary of "has to," every single time you say, write, or think it: "especially my son, who has to live in both camps"
He doesn't "have to." If you're nice, he'll continue to choose to.
Don't think of him as being powerless in a "have to" situation. If he has options and is choosing what seems best to him, don't see it as your loss, but as his gain. If your relationship with him is a partnership, when he wins, you win.
-=- Having my son move to his dad's has really given me a jolt and I'm ready to commit to a lifestyle change....we could really use some healing.-=-
There's a sound file at the bottom you can listen to there or download (freely). It will help.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
Might not apply, but just in case it does...
http://sandradodd.com/issues
Deschooling. If you start over with this and really don't relapse (or if you do start over again), you should be in a better place all the way around, and better able to deal with your son's situation, too.
http://sandradodd.com/deschooling
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I wish I had reached out sooner for advice as I really enjoy reading the list and the reccomended sites....-=-
This inspired me to bring a link to a collection of expressions of wishing people had not stalled. I hope it will help a person or five. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/ifonly
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This inspired me to bring a link to a collection of expressions of wishing people had not stalled. I hope it will help a person or five. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/ifonly
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"taraannwho" <taraabc@...> wrote:
Visiting weekends can make things easier wrt to dealing with school stuff, because you can put your energy into just being together and working on your relationship. Be sure he has enough transition time at his dad's house to get homework done there and not have to deal with it, yourself.
---Meredith
> He doesn't like it and has decided to move into his dad's house and attend the local, much larger high school there. He'll be in the same city and living at my house most weekends.****************
Visiting weekends can make things easier wrt to dealing with school stuff, because you can put your energy into just being together and working on your relationship. Be sure he has enough transition time at his dad's house to get homework done there and not have to deal with it, yourself.
---Meredith
taraannwho
<plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
"Be sure he has enough transition time at his dad's house to get homework done there and not have to deal with it, yourself."
I like this idea. I had been thinking I should maximize the quantity of time we have together by getting him right after school on Fridays and returning him to school Monday morning. You're comment makes me think I could revise that. I was feeling like I needed to hold on as much as possible, out of fear, really. Now that I look at it, that's probably not best for any of us. It could be better to let him have Friday evening at his dad's to finish up his homework and relax a bit before whisking him away, so that our weekends together can be more relaxed. I'll try it that way first....ah, another parenting adventure under way!
"Be sure he has enough transition time at his dad's house to get homework done there and not have to deal with it, yourself."
I like this idea. I had been thinking I should maximize the quantity of time we have together by getting him right after school on Fridays and returning him to school Monday morning. You're comment makes me think I could revise that. I was feeling like I needed to hold on as much as possible, out of fear, really. Now that I look at it, that's probably not best for any of us. It could be better to let him have Friday evening at his dad's to finish up his homework and relax a bit before whisking him away, so that our weekends together can be more relaxed. I'll try it that way first....ah, another parenting adventure under way!
Sandra Dodd
-=- It could be better to let him have Friday evening at his dad's to finish up his homework and relax a bit before whisking him away, so that our weekends together can be more relaxed. I'll try it that way first....ah, another parenting adventure under way!-=-
You could say you'll get him after he finishes his homework and let that be some incentive for him to hurry, or you could take him back Sunday morning so he has the afternoon and evening to do homework.
Expecting a kid to do homework right after school on Friday doesn't seem realistic or fun.
And don't be surprised if after a few months he has friends or a girlfriend and would like to stay there nearer to the school neighborhood sometimes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You could say you'll get him after he finishes his homework and let that be some incentive for him to hurry, or you could take him back Sunday morning so he has the afternoon and evening to do homework.
Expecting a kid to do homework right after school on Friday doesn't seem realistic or fun.
And don't be surprised if after a few months he has friends or a girlfriend and would like to stay there nearer to the school neighborhood sometimes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
taraannwho
-=-You could say you'll get him after he finishes his homework and let that be some
incentive for him to hurry, or you could take him back Sunday morning so he has
the afternoon and evening to do homework.
Expecting a kid to do homework right after school on Friday doesn't seem
realistic or fun.-=-
I'll ask him which way he would prefer to try first and adjust as necessary. I have to remember not to try and get it all fixed in my head before hand. I have a tendency to comfort myself by planning everything out and playing out every possible scenario in my head. It's time to resign my position as ruler of the universe! Breathe, stay in the moment and see what unfolds!
Thanks,
Tara
incentive for him to hurry, or you could take him back Sunday morning so he has
the afternoon and evening to do homework.
Expecting a kid to do homework right after school on Friday doesn't seem
realistic or fun.-=-
I'll ask him which way he would prefer to try first and adjust as necessary. I have to remember not to try and get it all fixed in my head before hand. I have a tendency to comfort myself by planning everything out and playing out every possible scenario in my head. It's time to resign my position as ruler of the universe! Breathe, stay in the moment and see what unfolds!
Thanks,
Tara
chris ester
On Sun, Jan 15, 2012 at 6:20 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
have many friends who are co-parenting with former spouses and it seems to
be most peaceful when the teens are included in the planning of visits.
Some like to get homework out of the way immediately and some like to wait
until Sunday, it might be easiest to discuss it with your son and his
father. You may even need to change the visitation plan as things come
up. Part of the unschooling philosophy is respecting a child where they
are and being their partner in all circumstances.
Chris
> **I was going to suggest that you ask him what would work best for him. I
>
>
> -=- It could be better to let him have Friday evening at his dad's to
> finish up his homework and relax a bit before whisking him away, so that
> our weekends together can be more relaxed. I'll try it that way
> first....ah, another parenting adventure under way!-=-
>
> ********You could say you'll get him after he finishes his homework and
> let that be some incentive for him to hurry, or you could take him back
> Sunday morning so he has the afternoon and evening to do homework.
>
> Expecting a kid to do homework right after school on Friday doesn't seem
> realistic or fun.
>
> And don't be surprised if after a few months he has friends or a
> girlfriend and would like to stay there nearer to the school neighborhood
> sometimes.
>
>
> Sandra***********
>
have many friends who are co-parenting with former spouses and it seems to
be most peaceful when the teens are included in the planning of visits.
Some like to get homework out of the way immediately and some like to wait
until Sunday, it might be easiest to discuss it with your son and his
father. You may even need to change the visitation plan as things come
up. Part of the unschooling philosophy is respecting a child where they
are and being their partner in all circumstances.
Chris
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> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>