Advice for Mom & struggling Daughter
Maria
One year ago, my cousin gave me Sandra Dodd's Big Book of Unschooling. I had never heard of unschooling before, but it was exactly what I needed.
I started to implement unschooling principles in my parenting, handed in my job resignation, and made plans for my kids to finish out the school year as their last. I was not able to leave my job until June, so we have been deschooling since the summer.
Both of my boys (ages 9 & 7) had very traumatic school experiences. They were both asked to leave the public school and were enrolled in a school for kids with behavior problems. They were overjoyed to leave school behind them. They are thriving with unschooling.
Whenever I explained my plan to family, people often remarked "Well, that's OK for your sons, but your daughter is going to stay in school, right? She is so smart." This comment bothered me for obvious reasons, but my daughter overheard this many times. My mother-in-law even secretly had my daughter promise her that she would stay in school (without my knowledge). I addressed this with both of them and made it clear that it was not OK for her to do that.
My daughter decided that she wanted to try out middle school in September, knowing it was completely optional and that she could stop at any time.
She is really struggling with many fears abut leaving school and I am not sure how much guidance I should give her. She knows I would love her to unschool with us. She gets mixed messages from her dad.
Her main fears are:
-If she leaves school, her friends will forget her.
I have assured her that she can have friends over anytime there is a day off from school. She is on Facebook and most of her classmates are too.
-She will miss out on parties, school dances and other fun school events.
I joined a homeschooling group in my area. They have many social opportunities. I try to bring her to as many as possible, so she can meet other kids who do not go to school and establish relationships outside of school.
-She is afraid if she decides to try unschooling, and then decides to go back to school she will be too far behind the other kids and she will never catch up.
I have offered to get her a curriculum to follow and offered to homeschool her instead of unschooling.
She is not a morning person, and struggles to get up every morning to get the bus at 6:40. She goes to sleep in her clothes the night before, to get that few extra minutes of sleep. Her dad and I have to wake her up many times in the morning before she gets out of bed. We are usually waiting for her to leave, no matter how early we try and wake her. We often miss the bus and have to drive her to school. This usually isn't a problem, except for the times when my husband isn't home and then I have to wake the boys up, put them in the car and drive to school. They don't like that.
I let her take days off whenever she wants, but her lateness and absences are adding up. One of her teachers has commented on her absences (her work is not suffering). I know it is only a matter of time until I am contacted by the school about days she has missed (maybe 6 or 7 this year so far).
Although I try to include her in as many activities as I can, it is not always possible for me to wait until she gets home at 3pm to do things (I work a few evenings a week). She is so disappointed when she gets home from school and finds out I did something with the boys. She feels excluded and it makes me sad.
Although she knows I support whatever decision she makes, she struggles with the choice. Is this too big of a decision to place in the hands of an eleven year old?
I'm not sure if I should help to guide her more towards unschooling, try to be more persuasive, or stand back and let her make the decision on her own. Sometimes, it seems as though she wants me to take the pressure off and make the decision for her. Other times it does not.
I hate to watch her struggle with this.
I started to implement unschooling principles in my parenting, handed in my job resignation, and made plans for my kids to finish out the school year as their last. I was not able to leave my job until June, so we have been deschooling since the summer.
Both of my boys (ages 9 & 7) had very traumatic school experiences. They were both asked to leave the public school and were enrolled in a school for kids with behavior problems. They were overjoyed to leave school behind them. They are thriving with unschooling.
Whenever I explained my plan to family, people often remarked "Well, that's OK for your sons, but your daughter is going to stay in school, right? She is so smart." This comment bothered me for obvious reasons, but my daughter overheard this many times. My mother-in-law even secretly had my daughter promise her that she would stay in school (without my knowledge). I addressed this with both of them and made it clear that it was not OK for her to do that.
My daughter decided that she wanted to try out middle school in September, knowing it was completely optional and that she could stop at any time.
She is really struggling with many fears abut leaving school and I am not sure how much guidance I should give her. She knows I would love her to unschool with us. She gets mixed messages from her dad.
Her main fears are:
-If she leaves school, her friends will forget her.
I have assured her that she can have friends over anytime there is a day off from school. She is on Facebook and most of her classmates are too.
-She will miss out on parties, school dances and other fun school events.
I joined a homeschooling group in my area. They have many social opportunities. I try to bring her to as many as possible, so she can meet other kids who do not go to school and establish relationships outside of school.
-She is afraid if she decides to try unschooling, and then decides to go back to school she will be too far behind the other kids and she will never catch up.
I have offered to get her a curriculum to follow and offered to homeschool her instead of unschooling.
She is not a morning person, and struggles to get up every morning to get the bus at 6:40. She goes to sleep in her clothes the night before, to get that few extra minutes of sleep. Her dad and I have to wake her up many times in the morning before she gets out of bed. We are usually waiting for her to leave, no matter how early we try and wake her. We often miss the bus and have to drive her to school. This usually isn't a problem, except for the times when my husband isn't home and then I have to wake the boys up, put them in the car and drive to school. They don't like that.
I let her take days off whenever she wants, but her lateness and absences are adding up. One of her teachers has commented on her absences (her work is not suffering). I know it is only a matter of time until I am contacted by the school about days she has missed (maybe 6 or 7 this year so far).
Although I try to include her in as many activities as I can, it is not always possible for me to wait until she gets home at 3pm to do things (I work a few evenings a week). She is so disappointed when she gets home from school and finds out I did something with the boys. She feels excluded and it makes me sad.
Although she knows I support whatever decision she makes, she struggles with the choice. Is this too big of a decision to place in the hands of an eleven year old?
I'm not sure if I should help to guide her more towards unschooling, try to be more persuasive, or stand back and let her make the decision on her own. Sometimes, it seems as though she wants me to take the pressure off and make the decision for her. Other times it does not.
I hate to watch her struggle with this.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Whenever I explained my plan to family, people often remarked "Well, that's OK for your sons, but your daughter is going to stay in school, right? She is so smart." -=-
Maybe you could say, if you hear it again, "Unschooling is GREAT for bright kids! It's great for any kid." And SMILE at them. :-)
-=-My daughter decided that she wanted to try out middle school in September, knowing it was completely optional and that she could stop at any time.
She is really struggling with many fears abut leaving school and I am not sure how much guidance I should give her. She knows I would love her to unschool with us. She gets mixed messages from her dad.-=-
If you live where you can get to a conference, go. Take her. Let her meet some older unschooled kids. Let your husband meet other dads, see older kids.
-=-I joined a homeschooling group in my area. They have many social opportunities. I try to bring her to as many as possible, so she can meet other kids who do not go to school and establish relationships outside of school.-=-
If it's a school-at-home group, she won't get the benefits of two paragraphs up. She'll be around kids cramming for tests and moms creating transcripts to look like high school transcripts.
Unschooling conference.
-=-I have offered to get her a curriculum to follow and offered to homeschool her instead of unschooling.-=-
At most, offer to get her a curriculum and let her follow it herself, if she wants to. They can be expensive. You could maybe use websites and checklists you can find online various places, and let her do it herself.
Or maybe she could take whatever tests are given in your area--GED or CHSPE or whatever--and see how she does. If she passes a GED (in the US, if you're in a state where she could take it), then she's done.
You might find "concurrent enrollment" or early admission options, and she could take a class or two at a community or state college if there's one where you live.
You might sign her up with Wes Beach's school (which isn't exactly a school--the two of them could collaborate on projects and explorations for her). http://www2.cruzio.com/~beachhi/home.html
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe you could say, if you hear it again, "Unschooling is GREAT for bright kids! It's great for any kid." And SMILE at them. :-)
-=-My daughter decided that she wanted to try out middle school in September, knowing it was completely optional and that she could stop at any time.
She is really struggling with many fears abut leaving school and I am not sure how much guidance I should give her. She knows I would love her to unschool with us. She gets mixed messages from her dad.-=-
If you live where you can get to a conference, go. Take her. Let her meet some older unschooled kids. Let your husband meet other dads, see older kids.
-=-I joined a homeschooling group in my area. They have many social opportunities. I try to bring her to as many as possible, so she can meet other kids who do not go to school and establish relationships outside of school.-=-
If it's a school-at-home group, she won't get the benefits of two paragraphs up. She'll be around kids cramming for tests and moms creating transcripts to look like high school transcripts.
Unschooling conference.
-=-I have offered to get her a curriculum to follow and offered to homeschool her instead of unschooling.-=-
At most, offer to get her a curriculum and let her follow it herself, if she wants to. They can be expensive. You could maybe use websites and checklists you can find online various places, and let her do it herself.
Or maybe she could take whatever tests are given in your area--GED or CHSPE or whatever--and see how she does. If she passes a GED (in the US, if you're in a state where she could take it), then she's done.
You might find "concurrent enrollment" or early admission options, and she could take a class or two at a community or state college if there's one where you live.
You might sign her up with Wes Beach's school (which isn't exactly a school--the two of them could collaborate on projects and explorations for her). http://www2.cruzio.com/~beachhi/home.html
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Dec 15, 2011, at 9:24 AM, Maria wrote:
Trust her to work through it. Support her.
Again, not being able to do things during the day is a built in part of what she's choosing. If she had plans that overlapped occasionally with your plans, it would be kind to adjust your schedule so you could all go together. But she's choosing school and doesn't get the right to dictate when you can and can't go do things with the kids who are choosing homeschooling.
This information will probably frustrate her. Sympathize. Be compassionate. But don't apologize for the freedom of your sons' choice to homeschool.
I wouldn't do it. Sympathize! It *is* a big decision.
Go through them with her. And then back off and let her decide.
The simplest is a list of pros and cons of the question "Should I quit school and start unschooling?"
Better is a list of pros and cons and then giving each a "weight", a number representing how important that thing is to her. E.g. not being able to see her friends would undoubtedly get more points than missing the iced tea she likes in the cafeteria, for instance.
(A slight modification is to add an "interesting" column for things that are neither pluses or minuses.)
Then you can go through it and discuss what you might do as substitutes for some of the things she'll miss. She can add those to the pro list with an appropriate weight. e.g.. seeing her friends once a week might only rate a 1 when seeing her friends everyday might be a 10.
And then add up the columns.
Here's a good page:
http://www.businessballs.com/problemsolving.htm
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> We often miss the bus and have to drive her to school.I wouldn't do that. Stop doing it *not* to punish her but because you wouldn't do it for a friend either. Helping people when they're in a jam, when they've made a mistake is a kindness. But if someone is repeatedly in the same jam, making the same mistakes, not working hard *not* to impose on someone, they're being rude. Since she's *choosing* school, if she wants to go to school, she needs to get herself up and out to the bus.
> This usually isn't a problem, except for the times when my
> husband isn't home and then I have to wake the boys up,
> put them in the car and drive to school. They don't like that.
> I let her take days off whenever she wants, but her latenessThat's a real consequence of what she's choosing to do. And the real consequences need to be part of her decision making. You're making the decision more difficult by twisting yourself into knots to make school easier for her.
> and absences are adding up. One of her teachers has commented
> on her absences (her work is not suffering). I know it is only a
> matter of time until I am contacted by the school about days s
> he has missed (maybe 6 or 7 this year so far).
> She is so disappointed when she gets home from school andBe sympathetic but not sad. In fact your sadness is probably making this more difficult for her because it suggests this is way too big for her to figure out on her own.
> finds out I did something with the boys. She feels excluded
> and it makes me sad.
Trust her to work through it. Support her.
Again, not being able to do things during the day is a built in part of what she's choosing. If she had plans that overlapped occasionally with your plans, it would be kind to adjust your schedule so you could all go together. But she's choosing school and doesn't get the right to dictate when you can and can't go do things with the kids who are choosing homeschooling.
This information will probably frustrate her. Sympathize. Be compassionate. But don't apologize for the freedom of your sons' choice to homeschool.
> Sometimes, it seems as though she wants me to take theShe probably realizes that if you decide for her then she can blame you for the bad parts. (Which means you'll have to work extra hard to minimize the negative and really nail the positive to "prove" your choice was the right one :-/) If she chooses for herself, she knows she's choosing the bad with the good and can't blame it on anyone.
> pressure off and make the decision for her. Other times it does not.
I wouldn't do it. Sympathize! It *is* a big decision.
> Although she knows I support whatever decision she makes,This is a *real* decision. The kind she'll be making throughout her life. And she can use some decision making techniques she can use throughout her life.
> she struggles with the choice. Is this too big of a decision
> to place in the hands of an eleven year old?
Go through them with her. And then back off and let her decide.
The simplest is a list of pros and cons of the question "Should I quit school and start unschooling?"
Better is a list of pros and cons and then giving each a "weight", a number representing how important that thing is to her. E.g. not being able to see her friends would undoubtedly get more points than missing the iced tea she likes in the cafeteria, for instance.
(A slight modification is to add an "interesting" column for things that are neither pluses or minuses.)
Then you can go through it and discuss what you might do as substitutes for some of the things she'll miss. She can add those to the pro list with an appropriate weight. e.g.. seeing her friends once a week might only rate a 1 when seeing her friends everyday might be a 10.
And then add up the columns.
Here's a good page:
http://www.businessballs.com/problemsolving.htm
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-> We often miss the bus and have to drive her to school.
Joyce is right. Or YOU help her out, make sure she's up on time, and don't contribute at all to what you called "we often miss the bus."
But if you ARE going to drive her to school...
At seven and nine, aren't the others old enough to leave them asleep while you run her to school? If you're two or five miles from school, and not twenty miles from it, boys who are considered old enough to walk to school on their own might be competent to be asleep in their own beds for that long.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> This usually isn't a problem, except for the times when myJoyce wrote: -=-I wouldn't do that. Stop doing it *not* to punish her but because you wouldn't do it for a friend either. Helping people when they're in a jam, when they've made a mistake is a kindness. But if someone is repeatedly in the same jam, making the same mistakes, not working hard *not* to impose on someone, they're being rude. Since she's *choosing* school, if she wants to go to school, she needs to get herself up and out to the bus.-=-
> husband isn't home and then I have to wake the boys up,
> put them in the car and drive to school. They don't like that.
Joyce is right. Or YOU help her out, make sure she's up on time, and don't contribute at all to what you called "we often miss the bus."
But if you ARE going to drive her to school...
At seven and nine, aren't the others old enough to leave them asleep while you run her to school? If you're two or five miles from school, and not twenty miles from it, boys who are considered old enough to walk to school on their own might be competent to be asleep in their own beds for that long.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maria
-=You're making the decision more difficult by twisting yourself into knots to make school easier for her.=-
Yes, I have been doing just that! Thank you for pointing it out to me.
-=if she wants to go to school, she needs to get herself up and out to the bus.=-
I discussed the situation with her, and she has been taking more responsibility for getting there on time. Things have been better.
-=At seven and nine, aren't the others old enough to leave them asleep while you
run her to school? =-
Unfortunately, in this case the answer is no. I leave them alone, asleep to bring her to the bus, but they are not able to be home alone for as long as it would take me to bring her to the school.
-=Unschooling conference=-
Planning to go to the Northeast conference in August 2012. Thanks for reminding me about it.
-=Trust her to work through it. Support her.=-
I will. I feel much better about the situation now. Thank you both.
Yes, I have been doing just that! Thank you for pointing it out to me.
-=if she wants to go to school, she needs to get herself up and out to the bus.=-
I discussed the situation with her, and she has been taking more responsibility for getting there on time. Things have been better.
-=At seven and nine, aren't the others old enough to leave them asleep while you
run her to school? =-
Unfortunately, in this case the answer is no. I leave them alone, asleep to bring her to the bus, but they are not able to be home alone for as long as it would take me to bring her to the school.
-=Unschooling conference=-
Planning to go to the Northeast conference in August 2012. Thanks for reminding me about it.
-=Trust her to work through it. Support her.=-
I will. I feel much better about the situation now. Thank you both.