bossiness
Stephanie Selby
My eldest daughter (5) likes being in charge. When she and her sister, 3,
are playing she likes to dictate how they are going to play together, ie if
my youngest wants to be a certain character, and my eldest wants to be the
same character she tells her no, you can't be whatever, you have to be
"_______." I feel like she is bullying her sister, if she doesn't get her
way she gets ANGRY, which can be aggressive. She will also change the rules
to suit her needs. She also doesn't like to share, whereas our youngest
readily shares with her, often to eldest's benefit. She also takes things
away from her when she wants it.
Over Thanksgiving when my 5 year old was being "mean" to her sister (she
"accidently" sprayed perfume in her sister's mouth) my mother wouldn't let
her talk to her or even be near her as she didn't want to be "around mean
people." She also told her it wasn't an accident. I don't like her
approach. So I have two questions, 1. handling my mom and 2. effectively
addressing the play-style/ teaching compassion.
Thanks!
Steph (VT)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
are playing she likes to dictate how they are going to play together, ie if
my youngest wants to be a certain character, and my eldest wants to be the
same character she tells her no, you can't be whatever, you have to be
"_______." I feel like she is bullying her sister, if she doesn't get her
way she gets ANGRY, which can be aggressive. She will also change the rules
to suit her needs. She also doesn't like to share, whereas our youngest
readily shares with her, often to eldest's benefit. She also takes things
away from her when she wants it.
Over Thanksgiving when my 5 year old was being "mean" to her sister (she
"accidently" sprayed perfume in her sister's mouth) my mother wouldn't let
her talk to her or even be near her as she didn't want to be "around mean
people." She also told her it wasn't an accident. I don't like her
approach. So I have two questions, 1. handling my mom and 2. effectively
addressing the play-style/ teaching compassion.
Thanks!
Steph (VT)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-So I have two questions, 1. handling my mom -=-
Don't handle your mom.
It sounds like a natural consequence to me, that if someone is mean (perfume doesn't accidentally spray), that someone else might not want to be around them.
Explain that to your daughter. Let your mother make her own decisions.
-=-Over Thanksgiving when my 5 year old was being "mean" to her sister (she
"accidently" sprayed perfume in her sister's mouth)-=-
Why did you put "mean" in quotation marks?
-=-2. effectively
addressing the play-style/ teaching compassion.-=-
That's not "a play style." That's bullying.
Don't "teach" compassion. Figure out how to help your daughter learn it. :-)
-=- She will also change the rules
to suit her needs. She also doesn't like to share, whereas our youngest
readily shares with her, often to eldest's benefit. She also takes things
away from her when she wants it.-=-
You step in, I hope, in each instance and suggest other more equitable and compassionate options, right?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Don't handle your mom.
It sounds like a natural consequence to me, that if someone is mean (perfume doesn't accidentally spray), that someone else might not want to be around them.
Explain that to your daughter. Let your mother make her own decisions.
-=-Over Thanksgiving when my 5 year old was being "mean" to her sister (she
"accidently" sprayed perfume in her sister's mouth)-=-
Why did you put "mean" in quotation marks?
-=-2. effectively
addressing the play-style/ teaching compassion.-=-
That's not "a play style." That's bullying.
Don't "teach" compassion. Figure out how to help your daughter learn it. :-)
-=- She will also change the rules
to suit her needs. She also doesn't like to share, whereas our youngest
readily shares with her, often to eldest's benefit. She also takes things
away from her when she wants it.-=-
You step in, I hope, in each instance and suggest other more equitable and compassionate options, right?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stephanie Selby
True that it wasn't accidently sprayed, but it was an accident that it hit
her sister in the face/ mouth. I put mean in quotes because my mother kept
repeating it over and over, yet I wasn't convinced she did it on purpose,
and accidents don't define someone as mean. It isn't in her character to
tell me it was an accident unless it was one. I don't own perfume, so I
doubt that she knew where to look for the nozzle.
I do step in, I was wondering if there were things I could say to her to
help her realize she is being a bully because it doesn't seem I am being
effective. I usually say Raev, she can be whomever she wants to be, you
both can be that character. And similarly when she changes the rules to
suit her own benefit.
Steph
her sister in the face/ mouth. I put mean in quotes because my mother kept
repeating it over and over, yet I wasn't convinced she did it on purpose,
and accidents don't define someone as mean. It isn't in her character to
tell me it was an accident unless it was one. I don't own perfume, so I
doubt that she knew where to look for the nozzle.
I do step in, I was wondering if there were things I could say to her to
help her realize she is being a bully because it doesn't seem I am being
effective. I usually say Raev, she can be whomever she wants to be, you
both can be that character. And similarly when she changes the rules to
suit her own benefit.
Steph
On Tue, Nov 29, 2011 at 5:37 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> **
>
>
> -=-So I have two questions, 1. handling my mom -=-
>
> Don't handle your mom.
>
> It sounds like a natural consequence to me, that if someone is mean
> (perfume doesn't accidentally spray), that someone else might not want to
> be around them.
>
> Explain that to your daughter. Let your mother make her own decisions.
>
> -=-Over Thanksgiving when my 5 year old was being "mean" to her sister (she
> "accidently" sprayed perfume in her sister's mouth)-=-
>
> Why did you put "mean" in quotation marks?
>
> -=-2. effectively
> addressing the play-style/ teaching compassion.-=-
>
> That's not "a play style." That's bullying.
>
> Don't "teach" compassion. Figure out how to help your daughter learn it.
> :-)
>
> -=- She will also change the rules
>
> to suit her needs. She also doesn't like to share, whereas our youngest
> readily shares with her, often to eldest's benefit. She also takes things
> away from her when she wants it.-=-
>
> You step in, I hope, in each instance and suggest other more equitable and
> compassionate options, right?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
Are you spending more time with the 3-year-old than the 5-year-old? Is
the "baby" the focus? Not just your focus, but your extended family's?
I remember Sandra talking about how she was really resentful of her
younger sister - Sandra was "the one" until her sibling arrived. Is
there anything like that going on for your eldest?
Maybe some one-on-one time with you is what the 5-year-old needs. That
could be a good time to talk with her about her feelings (if she can
articulate them) or for you to remind her how much you love her, even
so she can be the baby again. It could lessen her need to be mean to
get attention.
Sharing everything can be difficult, even for older kids. Does your
eldest have some things that are just hers alone? If she's required to
share everything of hers, that can lead to resentment, too.
Meanness and bullying can be a symptom of a child's needs not being
met. Explore that possibility as a way to help her to stop that
behavior, in addition to being right there to intervene. Don't expect
your girls to always play happily with each other while you go do
something else.
Robin B.
the "baby" the focus? Not just your focus, but your extended family's?
I remember Sandra talking about how she was really resentful of her
younger sister - Sandra was "the one" until her sibling arrived. Is
there anything like that going on for your eldest?
Maybe some one-on-one time with you is what the 5-year-old needs. That
could be a good time to talk with her about her feelings (if she can
articulate them) or for you to remind her how much you love her, even
so she can be the baby again. It could lessen her need to be mean to
get attention.
Sharing everything can be difficult, even for older kids. Does your
eldest have some things that are just hers alone? If she's required to
share everything of hers, that can lead to resentment, too.
Meanness and bullying can be a symptom of a child's needs not being
met. Explore that possibility as a way to help her to stop that
behavior, in addition to being right there to intervene. Don't expect
your girls to always play happily with each other while you go do
something else.
Robin B.
Schuyler
Stepping in means not being there to start. Be there more. If you are actively playing with your daughters more, if you are engaged with them, it will be easier to help your 5 year old to have a good time with her younger sister. Being with Simon and Linnaea, who are 14 and 11, still makes a difference to how their interactions run. It's much easier for me to move them away from tension if I've been there all along than it is for me to move them from a tense moment when I'm coming in from outside. And it's fun. I like playing with them.
Schuyler
________________________________
I do step in, I was wondering if there were things I could say to her to
help her realize she is being a bully because it doesn't seem I am being
effective. I usually say Raev, she can be whomever she wants to be, you
both can be that character. And similarly when she changes the rules to
suit her own benefit.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
________________________________
I do step in, I was wondering if there were things I could say to her to
help her realize she is being a bully because it doesn't seem I am being
effective. I usually say Raev, she can be whomever she wants to be, you
both can be that character. And similarly when she changes the rules to
suit her own benefit.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
In addition to intervening and not allowing the older child to dominate the
younger one, I would recommend recognizing that the older child has the
urge to be in charge and finding good ways for her to do that.
Quite a few people on this list know my daughter, Roya, who is 26 now. She
was also a bossy 5 year old - bossed around older cousins and younger
siblings. She still likes to be in charge, but she knows when it is
appropriate and when it is not. This was a long long process for her to
learn to channel that urge to run things...it happened slowly and there
were setbacks, over the years. I understand the urge - I'm a person who
takes charge, too.
I'd say get her involved in something like Girl Scouts or 4-H -- or other
activities where she has a lot of chance to be in a leadership role and to
allow others to be in leadership roles - Girl Scouts was great for my
daughter - she learned to be a good leader instead of a demanding boss.
Help her be in charge of projects. Channel that urge to be bossy into
leadership and planning.
Roya has a college degree in Recreation - does a lot of organizing events
and adventures and is in charge of large groups of people - clients and
employees and volunteers - quite often. She's now working on becoming a
family therapist.
I'm not saying it is okay for the child to be dominating and selfish - but
that the same urges can be positive, too.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
younger one, I would recommend recognizing that the older child has the
urge to be in charge and finding good ways for her to do that.
Quite a few people on this list know my daughter, Roya, who is 26 now. She
was also a bossy 5 year old - bossed around older cousins and younger
siblings. She still likes to be in charge, but she knows when it is
appropriate and when it is not. This was a long long process for her to
learn to channel that urge to run things...it happened slowly and there
were setbacks, over the years. I understand the urge - I'm a person who
takes charge, too.
I'd say get her involved in something like Girl Scouts or 4-H -- or other
activities where she has a lot of chance to be in a leadership role and to
allow others to be in leadership roles - Girl Scouts was great for my
daughter - she learned to be a good leader instead of a demanding boss.
Help her be in charge of projects. Channel that urge to be bossy into
leadership and planning.
Roya has a college degree in Recreation - does a lot of organizing events
and adventures and is in charge of large groups of people - clients and
employees and volunteers - quite often. She's now working on becoming a
family therapist.
I'm not saying it is okay for the child to be dominating and selfish - but
that the same urges can be positive, too.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-True that it wasn't accidently sprayed, but it was an accident that it hit
her sister in the face/ mouth. I put mean in quotes because my mother kept
repeating it over and over, yet I wasn't convinced she did it on purpose,
and accidents don't define someone as mean. I-=-
It sounds to me like you're justifying what your daughter does.
if it's habitual and she starts to say "accident," you might want to protect your younger daughter's safety and space rather than split hairs over what is accident and what is mean.
-=- I don't own perfume, so I
doubt that she knew where to look for the nozzle.-=-
Did you daughter own perfume, or was it your mom's?
That makes a difference in how much it's your mom's business, too.
-=- I usually say Raev, she can be whomever she wants to be, you
both can be that character. And similarly when she changes the rules to
suit her own benefit.
-=-
Maybe you could address the younger girl and say "Do you want to be [whatever]?" and then turn to the older girl and say "She doesn't want to play that. Change the game." OR, if you've already heard the situation and the exchanges, you could say "Let her pick what she wants to be or don't play." It's really okay to say "That's not okay." When your younger daughter is being bullied, and you don't stop it, you're not being a good mom to her.
Each child should feel safe in her own home. If one of them is the aggressor, then she IS being mean. Help her make better choices so that there's more peace, so her sister is safer, and so she (older daughter) is a better person.
Occasional mean choices don't make her a mean person, but each bad choice is a bad choice. Each better choice is better for everyone and for everything.
You daughter is bulling, being angry and aggressive.
I don't know her, but her mother wrote this: "I feel like she is bullying her sister, if she doesn't get her
way she gets ANGRY, which can be aggressive."
It's okay to mull over what people write here a while. No rush, as it's a series of little decisions, not any big ones.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
her sister in the face/ mouth. I put mean in quotes because my mother kept
repeating it over and over, yet I wasn't convinced she did it on purpose,
and accidents don't define someone as mean. I-=-
It sounds to me like you're justifying what your daughter does.
if it's habitual and she starts to say "accident," you might want to protect your younger daughter's safety and space rather than split hairs over what is accident and what is mean.
-=- I don't own perfume, so I
doubt that she knew where to look for the nozzle.-=-
Did you daughter own perfume, or was it your mom's?
That makes a difference in how much it's your mom's business, too.
-=- I usually say Raev, she can be whomever she wants to be, you
both can be that character. And similarly when she changes the rules to
suit her own benefit.
-=-
Maybe you could address the younger girl and say "Do you want to be [whatever]?" and then turn to the older girl and say "She doesn't want to play that. Change the game." OR, if you've already heard the situation and the exchanges, you could say "Let her pick what she wants to be or don't play." It's really okay to say "That's not okay." When your younger daughter is being bullied, and you don't stop it, you're not being a good mom to her.
Each child should feel safe in her own home. If one of them is the aggressor, then she IS being mean. Help her make better choices so that there's more peace, so her sister is safer, and so she (older daughter) is a better person.
Occasional mean choices don't make her a mean person, but each bad choice is a bad choice. Each better choice is better for everyone and for everything.
You daughter is bulling, being angry and aggressive.
I don't know her, but her mother wrote this: "I feel like she is bullying her sister, if she doesn't get her
way she gets ANGRY, which can be aggressive."
It's okay to mull over what people write here a while. No rush, as it's a series of little decisions, not any big ones.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]