nicolaphillips88

ok !!!
ive a 4 yr old. he is amazing. He gets on and does his thing. cutting up paper into tiny pieces,drawing, doing playdough, playing toys, watcing tv and so on ... however ...

ive noticed he has hammered little holes all over some walls- picture frame nails in/out is what it looks like . how would you react to this??
obv im going to have to paint the walls to 'fix' the 'mess' (rented acom!)i dont even know when he did it (other than at some point today) when i was cooking or hanging out the clothes? .. didnt hear any banging .... im puzzled!
'should i' just paint the walls with no comment.?
ask why he did it, and dont react?
or tell him - this is not what 'we do'? .....
im trying to think how my mum would have reacted ! (my dad would have flown off the handle !) my mum would have 'not noticed' i think . she never told us off , or pointed out 'wrong' doings just put things back how she wanted them . ....
im a half way house - i have found my self telling my son when he has done things that 'are wrong' tho i dont feel this is 'right' im trying to step back and think b4 i react. ... hence the ask on here.
thanks in advance Nicola

Rinelle

> ive noticed he has hammered little holes all over some walls- picture
> frame nails in/out is what it looks like . how
> would you react to this??

I would be looking for a way he can hammer in nails without doing it on the
walls. A cardboard box, or a piece of Styrofoam works really well, and is
easy to hammer into. Though if he's got the strength to get them into the
wall (and that takes a huge amount of coordination really), then he might
enjoy some pieces of scrap wood.

Tamara

Joyce Fetteroll

On Nov 28, 2011, at 9:09 PM, nicolaphillips88 wrote:

> i have found my self telling my son when he has done things that
> 'are wrong' tho i dont feel this is 'right'

In order to make better choices, he needs some kind of feedback on
what's okay and what's not okay in life. BUT that doesn't necessarily
mean feedbacl needs to be a lecture or pointedly telling him "No,
don't, and here's why." (Though sometimes it will.) Redirecting a
child to something that is okay is feedback too.

I think where you might be getting stuck is that in conventional
parenting thinking, telling a child is a way of fixing their wrongness
so they won't do it again.

First I'd put the hammer away. Or whatever he's using. Make the
environment safe to explore. (Safe for him. Safe for walls.)

Second I'd be more present. (In other words, expect things to happen
if he's alone. Don't expect rules or "telling" him about what's right
and wrong to control him. Until he can do it himself, it's your
responsibility to keep him and the house safe.)

Third, if this is an ongoing interest rather than a one time thing,
I'd find things he *can* hammer. See the holes in the wall as his way
of exploring something that interested him. If you stop him, that
interest doesn't go away. And if you've said "Don't hammer walls," you
haven't said, "Don't hammer floors. Don't hammer wall tiles. Don't
hammer the cat. Don't hammer the sliding glass doors.
Don't ..." (Well, you can see how rules don't work all that well in
helping kids decide what they *can* do to meet a need! ;-)

Joyce




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

D-H Family

A bit off topic, but my son LOVED to stab cardboard boxes with a butter
knife when he was little. Just turned it over with the bottom up, and
stabbed away. Made my husband cringe, but it was a wonderful experience for
my son! He also drilled a few holes in the coffee table with a hand drill,
but when I noticed and asked him not to drill into the table again, he
stopped. Supplying wood and nails, drills, saws, etc. is usually very
welcome. Or what about a piece of drywall from the store that he can nail
into - he might like the 'feel' of drywall as opposed to wood.



Molly



From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of nicolaphillips88
Sent: Monday, November 28, 2011 6:09 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] unschooling / social boundries -parenting advice !





ok !!!
ive a 4 yr old. he is amazing. He gets on and does his thing. cutting up
paper into tiny pieces,drawing, doing playdough, playing toys, watcing tv
and so on ... however ...

ive noticed he has hammered little holes all over some walls- picture frame
nails in/out is what it looks like . how would you react to this??
obv im going to have to paint the walls to 'fix' the 'mess' (rented acom!)i
dont even know when he did it (other than at some point today) when i was
cooking or hanging out the clothes? .. didnt hear any banging .... im
puzzled!
'should i' just paint the walls with no comment.?
ask why he did it, and dont react?
or tell him - this is not what 'we do'? .....
im trying to think how my mum would have reacted ! (my dad would have flown
off the handle !) my mum would have 'not noticed' i think . she never told
us off , or pointed out 'wrong' doings just put things back how she wanted
them . ....
im a half way house - i have found my self telling my son when he has done
things that 'are wrong' tho i dont feel this is 'right' im trying to step
back and think b4 i react. ... hence the ask on here.
thanks in advance Nicola







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

chris ester

On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 9:09 PM, nicolaphillips88 <
nicolaphillips88@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
> >>>>>>ive noticed he has hammered little holes all over some walls-
> picture frame nails in/out is what it looks like . how would you react to
> this??
> obv im going to have to paint the walls to 'fix' the 'mess' (rented
> acom!)i dont even know when he did it (other than at some point today) when
> i was cooking or hanging out the clothes? .. didnt hear any banging .... im
> puzzled! <<<<<<
>
> If you didn't see him do it, are you certain that he is in fact the party
responsible for the holes? I would "notice" and ask him (nonchalantly) if
he knows where the holes came from. If he claims innocence, I would try to
figure out how else the holes could have gotten there. Regardless, I would
include him in spackling the holes up. He would probably enjoy helping,
learn a useful skill, and you could mention that you have to fix any holes
in the rented walls....
Chris

>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

aldq75

When my oldest was 3 or 4, her grandfather set her up with large nails and some chunks of wood at his farm to keep her busy one afternoon. After that, she wanted to pound nails at home (a small apartment). Her grandfather gave her a 4' long board to take home. We kept it under the couch with nails of varying sizes and a hammer.

Home Depot and Lowes have a bin of short pieces of wood for a few dollars.

Andrea Q


--- In [email protected], "Rinelle" <rinelle@...> wrote:
>
> > ive noticed he has hammered little holes all over some walls- picture
> > frame nails in/out is what it looks like . how
> > would you react to this??
>
> I would be looking for a way he can hammer in nails without doing it on the
> walls. A cardboard box, or a piece of Styrofoam works really well, and is
> easy to hammer into. Though if he's got the strength to get them into the
> wall (and that takes a huge amount of coordination really), then he might
> enjoy some pieces of scrap wood.
>
> Tamara
>

Sandra Dodd

-=- If you didn't see him do it, are you certain that he is in fact the party
responsible for the holes? I would "notice" and ask him (nonchalantly) if
he knows where the holes came from. If he claims innocence, I would try to
figure out how else the holes could have gotten there.-=-

We've had holes and odd scrapes from rocking chairs, pets, something falling, the wind scraping things against the outside of the house... I have a wooden box my husband made me--beautiful big chest. It has a whole bunch of little dents in the top because it travelled in the back of a truck and there was a tent pole with a rivet/bolt on it bouncing against the top as the truck went along. I consider it "distressed wood" now--rather than get cranky, it has an interesting repeated pattern. :-)

It might have been the child, but it probably wasn't malice, so at some point a layer of light spackling might be in order.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

chris ester

On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:57 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

> **
>
> >>>>>We've had holes and odd scrapes from rocking chairs, pets, something
> falling, the wind scraping things against the outside of the house... I
> have a wooden box my husband made me--beautiful big chest. It has a whole
> bunch of little dents in the top because it travelled in the back of a
> truck and there was a tent pole with a rivet/bolt on it bouncing against
> the top as the truck went along. I consider it "distressed wood"
> now--rather than get cranky, it has an interesting repeated pattern. :-)
>
> It might have been the child, but it probably wasn't malice, so at some
> point a layer of light spackling might be in order.
>
> Sandra<<<<<
>
I also vaguely remember that when I was a child a friend of my mother's
(and her kids-my playmates) showing holes that were made by some sort of
insect. I mention this very off-topic possibility because of the
possibility of severe property damage.
chris

>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

nicolaphillips88

Thankyou all .
I mentioned ' ive noticed these holes , do you know how they got here? ' no was the reply... but, i knew by his face, it was lie- which worried me. ... i said ' i dont mind about the holes, do you know how they got here' he said yes, he had done it by standing on his stool, using a nail and a hammer. to which i responded with ok thankyou for telling me. also said ,if he would like to hammer , i will find things for him to hammer.

now ... i am worried he felt he had to lie -he is only 4. :-(


--- In [email protected], chris ester <chris.homeschool@...> wrote:
>
> On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:57 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> > **
> >
> > >>>>>We've had holes and odd scrapes from rocking chairs, pets, something
> > falling, the wind scraping things against the outside of the house... I
> > have a wooden box my husband made me--beautiful big chest. It has a whole
> > bunch of little dents in the top because it travelled in the back of a
> > truck and there was a tent pole with a rivet/bolt on it bouncing against
> > the top as the truck went along. I consider it "distressed wood"
> > now--rather than get cranky, it has an interesting repeated pattern. :-)
> >
> > It might have been the child, but it probably wasn't malice, so at some
> > point a layer of light spackling might be in order.
> >
> > Sandra<<<<<
> >
> I also vaguely remember that when I was a child a friend of my mother's
> (and her kids-my playmates) showing holes that were made by some sort of
> insect. I mention this very off-topic possibility because of the
> possibility of severe property damage.
> chris
>
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

nicolaphillips88

Thankyou Joyce, for your reply-
I dont have tools/ hammers out . he doesnt know where my 'tool set' is kept. he has his own 'kids tool set' which is what he had used. he often used to hammer the sofa to 'fix it' - i have no issue with that. and the floor - no issue with him hammering he floor either! but he hasnt played with his set for ages ... until yesterday !i guess he has re captured his like for 'fixing things'

--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Nov 28, 2011, at 9:09 PM, nicolaphillips88 wrote:
>
> > i have found my self telling my son when he has done things that
> > 'are wrong' tho i dont feel this is 'right'
>
> In order to make better choices, he needs some kind of feedback on
> what's okay and what's not okay in life. BUT that doesn't necessarily
> mean feedbacl needs to be a lecture or pointedly telling him "No,
> don't, and here's why." (Though sometimes it will.) Redirecting a
> child to something that is okay is feedback too.
>
> I think where you might be getting stuck is that in conventional
> parenting thinking, telling a child is a way of fixing their wrongness
> so they won't do it again.
>
> First I'd put the hammer away. Or whatever he's using. Make the
> environment safe to explore. (Safe for him. Safe for walls.)
>
> Second I'd be more present. (In other words, expect things to happen
> if he's alone. Don't expect rules or "telling" him about what's right
> and wrong to control him. Until he can do it himself, it's your
> responsibility to keep him and the house safe.)
>
> Third, if this is an ongoing interest rather than a one time thing,
> I'd find things he *can* hammer. See the holes in the wall as his way
> of exploring something that interested him. If you stop him, that
> interest doesn't go away. And if you've said "Don't hammer walls," you
> haven't said, "Don't hammer floors. Don't hammer wall tiles. Don't
> hammer the cat. Don't hammer the sliding glass doors.
> Don't ..." (Well, you can see how rules don't work all that well in
> helping kids decide what they *can* do to meet a need! ;-)
>
> Joyce
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Joyce Fetteroll

On Nov 29, 2011, at 5:04 AM, nicolaphillips88 wrote:

> but, i knew by his face, it was lie- which worried me. ... i said '
> i dont mind about the holes, do you know how they got here' he said
> yes, he had done it by standing on his stool, using a nail and a
> hammer. to which i responded with ok thankyou for telling me. also
> said ,if he would like to hammer , i will find things for him to
> hammer.
>
> now ... i am worried he felt he had to lie -he is only 4. :-(

Don't *worry* about his lies. See it as feedback about his internal
state, about how he's viewing the world, how you might be coming across.

What I'm getting from your writing is a lot of fear and tension. You
fear damaging his psyche. You fear not correcting him. He's picking
that up. I'd guess he was embarrassed and uncertain about your
uncertainty and he felt the safest option was a lie.

> i have no issue with that. and the floor - no issue with him
> hammering he floor either!

What is a "yes, okay to hammer" and what is a "no, not okay to hammer"
is clear in your mind. But to him it will seem arbitrary. (How are
floors different from walls? And what about a door?) And if he goes to
someone else's house, the lines may be drawn differently.

Some things in life are nos. Some are yeses. It won't damage a child's
psyche to point out the nos. Like, in this case, damaging things that
aren't disposable. (But you don't need to list them all ;-) By 4 he
knows the difference between permanent and disposable. Though, to make
that statement more general, some 4 yos will be more focused on the
process than the outcome. That's their personality and it means mom
needs to be more present to do lots of redirecting until they're older
and can be more aware! :-)

See the nos and yeses as *information* for help him figure out the
rules of the world and to help him make better choices.

You can approach it very simply with "Oh, that's a no. Let's find some
things that are okay to hammer."

It's all about the child and needs he's trying to meet. Help him make
better choices in meeting his needs by giving him feedback on choices
that weren't so great and providing options that are better.

Joyce

Sandra Dodd

-=-now ... i am worried he felt he had to lie -he is only 4. :-( -=-

Maybe he fibbed because he was afraid.
Maybe he fibbed because he's just experimenting with that idea of "truth," because four year olds are surrounded by make-believe.
Maybe he fibbed because he didn't want to see you sad.

Don't think so much about that.

The way you handle this will affect the next time. You can't "fix it" once and for all, but you can make it better or worse.

Pam Sorooshian wrote a very cool thing:

"As we get older and our kids grow up, we eventually come to realize that all the big things in our lives are really the direct result of how we've handled all the little things." —Pam Sorooshian, June 4, 2007

He probably feels bad and that feeling is what will prevent future occurences.
Reassure him you love him, find something he can pound a bit, and be happy.

If he's liking indentations, it might be fun for him to play with coins and aluminum foil, or aluminum foil and a pencil--anything he can mark it with, or put under it and press the shape into. It's much quieter than hammering, and safer.

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

-=- and the floor - no issue with him hammering he floor either! but he hasnt played with his set for ages ...-=-

If it's a rental house, and it's a plastic hammer, no problem.
If it's ANY house and he's just randomly beating on ANY floor with a real hammer, that's not a good idea. Though I'd let him help me take up my warped bathroom floor in a few weeks if he were here. :-) I wouldn't want him to hit the downstairs concrete floor, though. Too hard to repair!!

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie

He would lie to not disappoint you. I'm sure it was obvious to him that what he had done was wrong when you asked him about it. In my experience, the best way to avoid these types of things is to not ask a question you already know the answer to. You already knew he made the holes. An alternative would have been to say "I know you love hammering, but don't want holes in my [whatever it was]...let's find something else to hammer". It tells him you are unhappy with the holes, without implying there's something wrong with him and the results in you helping him find a less damaging outlet for his interest.

It's really a hard habit to break, but I'd really encourage you not to "set up"/provide an opportunity to lie. There are many times in interactions with our kids where you can think about how you'd treat a friend who goofed up or made a mistake. Asking her a question you already know the answer to would be condescending and a bit passive aggressive.

Here's an alternative:
Just observe the error and make a brief observational comment about it: "I see holes hammered in my table - I don't want holes in my table"
Validate: "I know you love hammering"
Provide a solution yourself, or in collaboration if the child is able: "let's go find some scrap wood for you to make holes in"
Give the child ( if old/capable enough) an opportunity to try to fix the problem by either asking for ideas to fix it or to let them participate in a solution you know of: "we can go to the store to look for wood filler to fix the holes and you can help me fix this if you want"

I'm pretty sure I got this framework from the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". I've read a lot over the last 6 years and the origin of these ideas can get lost or mixed up. Regardless, it's a great book.

We still sometimes find ourselves, frequently in mid sentence, asking our kids things we already know. We've both had to break the habit. We originally thought that a kid would not lie if there wasn't going to be punishment but found that not to be true... to many kids, your disappointment or disapproval is an unpleasant outcome of their error that they may try to avoid.

Julie M
James, 6
Tyler, 4
Audrey, 2


avoid by lying.

--- In [email protected], "nicolaphillips88" <nicolaphillips88@...> wrote:
>
> Thankyou all .
> I mentioned ' ive noticed these holes , do you know how they got here? ' no was the reply... but, i knew by his face, it was lie- which worried me. ... i said ' i dont mind about the holes, do you know how they got here' he said yes, he had done it by standing on his stool, using a nail and a hammer. to which i responded with ok thankyou for telling me. also said ,if he would like to hammer , i will find things for him to hammer.
>
> now ... i am worried he felt he had to lie -he is only 4. :-(
>
>
> --- In [email protected], chris ester <chris.homeschool@> wrote:
> >
> > On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:57 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@> wrote:
> >
> > > **
> > >
> > > >>>>>We've had holes and odd scrapes from rocking chairs, pets, something
> > > falling, the wind scraping things against the outside of the house... I
> > > have a wooden box my husband made me--beautiful big chest. It has a whole
> > > bunch of little dents in the top because it travelled in the back of a
> > > truck and there was a tent pole with a rivet/bolt on it bouncing against
> > > the top as the truck went along. I consider it "distressed wood"
> > > now--rather than get cranky, it has an interesting repeated pattern. :-)
> > >
> > > It might have been the child, but it probably wasn't malice, so at some
> > > point a layer of light spackling might be in order.
> > >
> > > Sandra<<<<<
> > >
> > I also vaguely remember that when I was a child a friend of my mother's
> > (and her kids-my playmates) showing holes that were made by some sort of
> > insect. I mention this very off-topic possibility because of the
> > possibility of severe property damage.
> > chris
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-Just observe the error and make a brief observational comment about it: "I see holes hammered in my table - I don't want holes in my table"-=-

We had company, and a little girl who's three or four (Zoya, for those who know her; she's VERY sweet) had marked on a wooden fence-like divider we have inside (hard to describe, but it separates the stairs from the front room, and is white-painted wood). More than one color, and so we had ignored her long enough that she had some time for art. I went to get cleaning supplies and mentioned softly to her parents that she had written there but I was just going to clean it off. One of them asked her if she had done that, and she said no, but she beamed a big innocent smile.

I didn't mind. I kind of missed having little kids, and our house isn't fancy.

So I have a bottle of spray 409 or something, and paper towels. She watched me wipe off the first mark, and then said she wanted to do that. She wanted to help me. So I let her do most of the rest of it, because she was having fun.

I didn't say anything like "Don't do that again." She saw the preferences of people around her, and they were all being nice to her, so it wouldn't have made much sense for her to have done it again. I made sure there was paper out next to the markers, and didn't make a deal out of it.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

When my son MD was 2 years old and a huge Bob the Builder fan we gave him many toy tool sets and one
time while walking in a big hardware store we saw this little hammer. It was a small hammer  that was real but perfect size for him and he loved it.
So he carried this hammer everywhere. 
We live in the farm so lots of safe places to bang on things. As it got cold I had Styrofoam and soft wood and many wood kits for him to hammer
and build! I have awesome pictures of him doing so.
One day he goes and starts hammering ( fixing) the chair rail in my family room. He missed and made this hole the size of fist in the wall.
OOPs!!!!
Where was I? Busy and not present. 
 It took me years to fix it. I have pictures of it. I got him some stuff to fix and showed him how the wall was not wood and would break. He wanted to fix like Bob the Builder.  I got some old furniture that he could fix ! He wanted real things.
I fixed the whole last year when I painted my family room. 
 
Alex Polikowsky

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

chris ester

I think he was worried that he 'did wrong' and did not want to upset you.
The fact that you took the truth without recriminations should probably
help to curb the lack of truth telling.

I still think that if you got the stuff that is just pushed into the hole
with a finger (it is like toothpaste) then your son would enjoy helping
with fixing the holes. If he wanted to at least....
chris

On Tue, Nov 29, 2011 at 5:04 AM, nicolaphillips88 <
nicolaphillips88@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
> Thankyou all .
> I mentioned ' ive noticed these holes , do you know how they got here? '
> no was the reply... but, i knew by his face, it was lie- which worried me.
> ... i said ' i dont mind about the holes, do you know how they got here' he
> said yes, he had done it by standing on his stool, using a nail and a
> hammer. to which i responded with ok thankyou for telling me. also said ,if
> he would like to hammer , i will find things for him to hammer.
>
> now ... i am worried he felt he had to lie -he is only 4. :-(
>
>
> --- In [email protected], chris ester <chris.homeschool@...>
> wrote:
> >
> > On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:57 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> >
> > > **
> > >
> > > >>>>>We've had holes and odd scrapes from rocking chairs, pets,
> something
> > > falling, the wind scraping things against the outside of the house... I
> > > have a wooden box my husband made me--beautiful big chest. It has a
> whole
> > > bunch of little dents in the top because it travelled in the back of a
> > > truck and there was a tent pole with a rivet/bolt on it bouncing
> against
> > > the top as the truck went along. I consider it "distressed wood"
> > > now--rather than get cranky, it has an interesting repeated pattern.
> :-)
> > >
> > > It might have been the child, but it probably wasn't malice, so at some
> > > point a layer of light spackling might be in order.
> > >
> > > Sandra<<<<<
> > >
> > I also vaguely remember that when I was a child a friend of my mother's
> > (and her kids-my playmates) showing holes that were made by some sort of
> > insect. I mention this very off-topic possibility because of the
> > possibility of severe property damage.
> > chris
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

alma

--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
..... some 4 yos will be more focused on the
> process than the outcome. That's their personality and it means mom
> needs to be more present to do lots of redirecting until they're older
> and can be more aware! :-)
>
> Joyce
>


What a leap of insight that statement gave me in relation to my 6 yo son. I try very hard to curb my frustration with him when he damages and breaks things in ways that were, to me, were totally predictable and preventable. I have thought of it as being to do with impulse control but that never felt right. But YES when he is gouging the table with a sharp object or writing on Daddy's passport application he is totally not thinking about outcome but absorbed in the process.

And whether or not I think he "should have" grown out of it by now is not helpful. My being more present is.

Thank you,
Alison
DS1 (9) and DS2 (6)

Sandra Dodd

-=- I have thought of it as being to do with impulse control but that never felt right. But YES when he is gouging the table with a sharp object or writing on Daddy's passport application he is totally not thinking about outcome but absorbed in the process.-=-

"Impulse control" was brought up repeatedly at the LiTTLe conference in London last summer. It was one speaker's special interest and favorite topic.

For helping children make choices, to talk about "impulse control" is a giant step away from them seeing themselves as whole and powerful.

If there is an impulse, either outside of me, or inside of me, that I need to learn to "CONTROL," then I'm kind of helpless, and powerless, and every time I fail to control this other entity, I have failed another real-life test.

Seeing it, instead, as learning to make better choices in all sorts of small moments during the day will take care of the same sorts of situations, but in a thoughtful, logical, peaceful way.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

chris ester

On Fri, Dec 2, 2011 at 10:50 AM, alma <almadoing@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
> wrote:
> >
> >>>>>And whether or not I think he "should have" grown out of it by now is
> not helpful. My being more present is.
>
> Thank you,
> Alison
> DS1 (9) and DS2 (6)<<<<<
>
I had to remind myself that children do not read all of those supposedly
helpful books about child development (or the studies that fuel them); that
all children develop on their own course; and that development is not an
even process, so even if my son could do some things in a "mature" manner
or had "grown out of" certain things, it really didn't matter in other
areas of life and development.

Children are the world's best (and sometimes scariest) roller coaster.
Chris

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chris ester

On Fri, Dec 2, 2011 at 12:29 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
> >>>>>"Impulse control" was brought up repeatedly at the LiTTLe conference
> in London last summer. It was one speaker's special interest and favorite
> topic.
>
> For helping children make choices, to talk about "impulse control" is a
> giant step away from them seeing themselves as whole and powerful.
>
> If there is an impulse, either outside of me, or inside of me, that I need
> to learn to "CONTROL," then I'm kind of helpless, and powerless, and every
> time I fail to control this other entity, I have failed another real-life
> test.
>
> Seeing it, instead, as learning to make better choices in all sorts of
> small moments during the day will take care of the same sorts of
> situations, but in a thoughtful, logical, peaceful way.
>
> Sandra<<<<<
>

Helping a child make choices is good in lots of circumstances. When I was
a therapist working with "troubled" (usually by the adults in their world)
children, I talked to them about choices and how to stop, take a breath,
and look at options and then try to imagine "what would happen, if....".
It was amazing how much actually telling a child that they could choose
what they did and that how they felt was okay, no matter what the feeling
was, could improve their outlook and even behavior. Unfortunately, many
other therapists just laughed at me.... they really couldn't grasp the idea
that a child needed a sense of personal power, even in situations that they
had no real control over. I helped them see that they could control
themselves and learn how to get the most out of the system that they landed
in through no fault of their own.
Chris

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