New kids on block....confused by my sons behavior
Deb
My seven year old has been hoping a new family with kids his age would move in since one of his best buds just moved away. Well a new family with kids his age, approximately, and he played with them once, and now has told me he never wants to play with them again. I asked him why and he couldn't explain it. He just said he gets a weird feeling around them and doesn't want to be friends or play with them. He's also trying to keep his other friend from playing with him and we have been talking to him about that friend needing his own choices. My concern is that I can't get to why he doesn't like them. They are a little incessant as far as asking him to play numerous times after he politely told them he didn't want to and my son is rough and tough which the little boy isn't. Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut and let him be? I just don't want him to miss out on an opportunity as there are no other kids near here. Any help would be appreciated on this. Thanks.
Deborah
Deborah
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 11, 2011, at 1:17 PM, Deb wrote:
thing to use in judging what feels right to him?
What would be the downside of letting him decide when he thinks it's
okay to be friends with someone?
Every time he makes a decision and lets it play out to see what
happens he'll be getting better at making decisions that feel right to
him.
If a child makes a choice that's hurtful or potentially damaging, yes,
do step in. Kids don't want to be hurtful. But in this case, he's
learning about people and how he feels about them and about himself.
It's possible something embarrassing happened and he doesn't want to
say. Be open and let him come to you. And be mindful of how you react.
The goal would be for him to feel safe telling you things, not to get
him to think "right" (eg, your way).
But unless he thinks there's something potentially hurtful that could
happen with this boy, I'd tell him his friend needs to decide for
himself.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust hisWhat would be the upside of an adult suggesting his gut isn't a good
> gut and let him be?
thing to use in judging what feels right to him?
What would be the downside of letting him decide when he thinks it's
okay to be friends with someone?
Every time he makes a decision and lets it play out to see what
happens he'll be getting better at making decisions that feel right to
him.
If a child makes a choice that's hurtful or potentially damaging, yes,
do step in. Kids don't want to be hurtful. But in this case, he's
learning about people and how he feels about them and about himself.
It's possible something embarrassing happened and he doesn't want to
say. Be open and let him come to you. And be mindful of how you react.
The goal would be for him to feel safe telling you things, not to get
him to think "right" (eg, your way).
But unless he thinks there's something potentially hurtful that could
happen with this boy, I'd tell him his friend needs to decide for
himself.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***They are a little incessant as far as asking him to play numerous times after he politely told them he didn't want to and my son is rough and tough which the little boy isn't.***
I'd be the one to answer the door for a while. Each time they come over and ask to play, tell them to hold on while you check to see if your son is available yet. Go ask and if he doesn't want to play, go back and tell the kids, "sorry, he's not ready to play right now, perhaps later or tomorrow, he'll come over and let you know." It's an ambiguous way of saying that your son can't play without it being about your son not wanting to play. He might change his mind.
***Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut and let him be? I just don't want him to miss out on an opportunity as there are no other kids near here.***
We live in a neighborhood with lots of kids, but they are ALL little boys, 8 and younger. There are 2 girls who are both 12/13, but they are MEAN. My daughter is 10. About one out of four times, she will agree to play, depending on which mix of boys is playing and what they are doing. She doesn't consider any of them to be her friends, they are simply convenient and sometimes annoying playmates. That sounds terrible, but Margaux doesn't usually like throwing rocks at kittens and destroying things around the neighborhood and that seems to be a favorite pass time of most of the neighbor kids. However, Margaux also happens to be the only kid with legos and sometimes she likes to bring the legos outside and share in building things. She also likes to ride her bike and some of the kids have bikes.
One kid, a 5 yr old, comes over almost everyday to play. Margaux sometimes enjoys that kid, so she'll go out and play with him. He does half day kindergarten, so he's home by noon and over right after he eats lunch, like clockwork at 12:30. He loves playing with legos, plus his mom is super nice and will sometimes send him out with little treats to share.
I wouldn't encourage a friendship. You CAN, however, encourage various play activities, when your son seems receptive.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'd be the one to answer the door for a while. Each time they come over and ask to play, tell them to hold on while you check to see if your son is available yet. Go ask and if he doesn't want to play, go back and tell the kids, "sorry, he's not ready to play right now, perhaps later or tomorrow, he'll come over and let you know." It's an ambiguous way of saying that your son can't play without it being about your son not wanting to play. He might change his mind.
***Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut and let him be? I just don't want him to miss out on an opportunity as there are no other kids near here.***
We live in a neighborhood with lots of kids, but they are ALL little boys, 8 and younger. There are 2 girls who are both 12/13, but they are MEAN. My daughter is 10. About one out of four times, she will agree to play, depending on which mix of boys is playing and what they are doing. She doesn't consider any of them to be her friends, they are simply convenient and sometimes annoying playmates. That sounds terrible, but Margaux doesn't usually like throwing rocks at kittens and destroying things around the neighborhood and that seems to be a favorite pass time of most of the neighbor kids. However, Margaux also happens to be the only kid with legos and sometimes she likes to bring the legos outside and share in building things. She also likes to ride her bike and some of the kids have bikes.
One kid, a 5 yr old, comes over almost everyday to play. Margaux sometimes enjoys that kid, so she'll go out and play with him. He does half day kindergarten, so he's home by noon and over right after he eats lunch, like clockwork at 12:30. He loves playing with legos, plus his mom is super nice and will sometimes send him out with little treats to share.
I wouldn't encourage a friendship. You CAN, however, encourage various play activities, when your son seems receptive.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mitrisue
--- In [email protected], "Deb" <vwb777@...> wrote:
There's another friend he stopped wanting to play with for a while, so I supported him through that, and now he's back to playing with her.
When we moved into this neighborhood just over a year ago, I realized I had an expectation that Mitri would want to play with the neighborhood kids because my childhood was pretty much that. He's shown no interest in making connections here, but he's happy.
Julie
> Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut > and let him be? I just don't want him to miss out on an opportunity as > there are no other kids near here. Any help would be appreciated on this. Thanks.My experience of my 6yo son is that his instincts are always a better guide than my fears. His willingness to engage with friends shifts and varies. I do what I can to support him comfortably in social situations. One of Dmitri's friends comes here a lot to play (without his mom), but Dmitri doesn't want to go to his friend's house without me, even though they're very close friends of the family--the equivalent of cousins. I do the explaining for him in those situations because it gets overwhelming for him. I guess I see my role as backing him up and smoothing things out. So far it works really well.
There's another friend he stopped wanting to play with for a while, so I supported him through that, and now he's back to playing with her.
When we moved into this neighborhood just over a year ago, I realized I had an expectation that Mitri would want to play with the neighborhood kids because my childhood was pretty much that. He's shown no interest in making connections here, but he's happy.
Julie
lydia reiter
^^^Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut and let him be?^^
I would be offended if someone I trusted tried to encourage a friendship between me and someone with whom I did not want to have a relationship. Learning to trust your gut feelings is a very valuable skill.
Lydia Reiter
________________________________
From: Deb <vwb777@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 12:17 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] New kids on block....confused by my sons behavior
My seven year old has been hoping a new family with kids his age would move in since one of his best buds just moved away. Well a new family with kids his age, approximately, and he played with them once, and now has told me he never wants to play with them again. I asked him why and he couldn't explain it. He just said he gets a weird feeling around them and doesn't want to be friends or play with them. He's also trying to keep his other friend from playing with him and we have been talking to him about that friend needing his own choices. They are a little incessant as far as asking him to play numerous times after he politely told them he didn't want to and my son is rough and tough which the little boy isn't. Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut and let him be? I just don't want him to miss out on an opportunity as there are no other kids near here. Any help would be appreciated on this. Thanks.
Deborah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I would be offended if someone I trusted tried to encourage a friendship between me and someone with whom I did not want to have a relationship. Learning to trust your gut feelings is a very valuable skill.
Lydia Reiter
________________________________
From: Deb <vwb777@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 12:17 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] New kids on block....confused by my sons behavior
My seven year old has been hoping a new family with kids his age would move in since one of his best buds just moved away. Well a new family with kids his age, approximately, and he played with them once, and now has told me he never wants to play with them again. I asked him why and he couldn't explain it. He just said he gets a weird feeling around them and doesn't want to be friends or play with them. He's also trying to keep his other friend from playing with him and we have been talking to him about that friend needing his own choices. They are a little incessant as far as asking him to play numerous times after he politely told them he didn't want to and my son is rough and tough which the little boy isn't. Should I keep trying to encourage a friendship there or trust his gut and let him be? I just don't want him to miss out on an opportunity as there are no other kids near here. Any help would be appreciated on this. Thanks.
Deborah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"Deb" <vwb777@...> wrote:
He may mean that for now and still feel differently later. There are kids Mo started out liking and then grew away from, and others who were too hard for her to get along with when she was younger who she gets on with fine, now. I wouldn't say to your son "Oh, you'll change your mind" though - right now he feels strongly about avoiding that family and that's okay.
---Meredith
>a new family with kids his age, approximately, and he played with them once, and now has told me he never wants to play with them again.******************
He may mean that for now and still feel differently later. There are kids Mo started out liking and then grew away from, and others who were too hard for her to get along with when she was younger who she gets on with fine, now. I wouldn't say to your son "Oh, you'll change your mind" though - right now he feels strongly about avoiding that family and that's okay.
---Meredith