My son tries to parent my younger kids
brandi yates
I am new and although we are not unschoolers yet I would like some advice.
We are homeschoolers right now. My son is 10 and just started
homeschooling a year ago. My younger kids are 5,4 , and 1. Today we went
to the store and the girls were climbing on the buggy and doing things my
son did not like. He keeps telling them in a not so nice way to stop.
Meanwhile Im just trying to shop and not make a scene. I told him to let
me parent and be the boss at the store. This worked until we got to the
register when the girls were trying to help put groceries up and they got in
his way. He told them why they needed to move and basically was pretty mean
to them. He does this at home too. He thinks things should be done a
certain way and tries to parent my younger kids.
I think it might have to do with the way I used to parent. "School" and
good grades were very important and he got in trouble for not doing well on
some assignments. When I look back, it has probably been very hard for him.
I wasnt as strict as his stepdad but I still made a fuss over spelling and
reading.
What is the best way for him to transition into a more unschool type
atmosphere?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We are homeschoolers right now. My son is 10 and just started
homeschooling a year ago. My younger kids are 5,4 , and 1. Today we went
to the store and the girls were climbing on the buggy and doing things my
son did not like. He keeps telling them in a not so nice way to stop.
Meanwhile Im just trying to shop and not make a scene. I told him to let
me parent and be the boss at the store. This worked until we got to the
register when the girls were trying to help put groceries up and they got in
his way. He told them why they needed to move and basically was pretty mean
to them. He does this at home too. He thinks things should be done a
certain way and tries to parent my younger kids.
I think it might have to do with the way I used to parent. "School" and
good grades were very important and he got in trouble for not doing well on
some assignments. When I look back, it has probably been very hard for him.
I wasnt as strict as his stepdad but I still made a fuss over spelling and
reading.
What is the best way for him to transition into a more unschool type
atmosphere?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- My son tries to parent my younger kids-=-
You're using "parent" to mean "to boss around." That will keep you from understanding unschooling.
-=-I am new and although we are not unschoolers yet I would like some advice.-=-
This list isn't for advising everyone in the whole wide world. It's only for discussing unschooling. So while you might get some suggestions, it will be unschoolers making unschooling suggestions (if you're lucky).
-=-He keeps telling them in a not so nice way to stop.
Meanwhile Im just trying to shop and not make a scene.-=-
Get two carts. Put two kids in one, and one in the other, and engage the older one in conversation. I had three, not four, in that range, but have done it many times.
-=I told him to let me parent and be the boss at the store. -=-
If there are good reasons for what you're asking, give the good, sensible, logical reasons. Don't say you want "to be the boss." That's lame. Maybe he felt you weren't paying enough attention to the younger kids and that they were in danger. Maybe.
-=- He told them why they needed to move and basically was pretty mean to them.-=-
He's used to being bossed around, right?
He's trying to be more like you and you don't like it?
Then you should be more like you want him to be, rather than argue with him about which of you "gets to parent."
-=-I think it might have to do with the way I used to parent. -=-
I think it has to do with your definition of "to parent," more than any "used to."
-=-What is the best way for him to transition into a more unschool type atmosphere?-=-
The only way for you as a family to transition is this. There are no shortcuts. The parents need it more than the kids do, and school at home will cause it to take even more recovery time than if he came straight out of school, because home has *been* "school" to him, and that will take some recovery time.
http://sandradodd.com/deschooling
Gradually: http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
but not TOO graducally: http://sandradodd.com/doit
Sandra
You're using "parent" to mean "to boss around." That will keep you from understanding unschooling.
-=-I am new and although we are not unschoolers yet I would like some advice.-=-
This list isn't for advising everyone in the whole wide world. It's only for discussing unschooling. So while you might get some suggestions, it will be unschoolers making unschooling suggestions (if you're lucky).
-=-He keeps telling them in a not so nice way to stop.
Meanwhile Im just trying to shop and not make a scene.-=-
Get two carts. Put two kids in one, and one in the other, and engage the older one in conversation. I had three, not four, in that range, but have done it many times.
-=I told him to let me parent and be the boss at the store. -=-
If there are good reasons for what you're asking, give the good, sensible, logical reasons. Don't say you want "to be the boss." That's lame. Maybe he felt you weren't paying enough attention to the younger kids and that they were in danger. Maybe.
-=- He told them why they needed to move and basically was pretty mean to them.-=-
He's used to being bossed around, right?
He's trying to be more like you and you don't like it?
Then you should be more like you want him to be, rather than argue with him about which of you "gets to parent."
-=-I think it might have to do with the way I used to parent. -=-
I think it has to do with your definition of "to parent," more than any "used to."
-=-What is the best way for him to transition into a more unschool type atmosphere?-=-
The only way for you as a family to transition is this. There are no shortcuts. The parents need it more than the kids do, and school at home will cause it to take even more recovery time than if he came straight out of school, because home has *been* "school" to him, and that will take some recovery time.
http://sandradodd.com/deschooling
Gradually: http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
but not TOO graducally: http://sandradodd.com/doit
Sandra
brandi yates
Thank you for your help. Your website is great!
I say "boss" because he asks for permission to be in charge at home. He is
just taking it too far and acting in a way that he has not ever been
treated.
I say "boss" because he asks for permission to be in charge at home. He is
just taking it too far and acting in a way that he has not ever been
treated.
On Wed, Oct 26, 2011 at 5:49 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> **
>
>
> -=- My son tries to parent my younger kids-=-
>
> You're using "parent" to mean "to boss around." That will keep you from
> understanding unschooling.
>
> -=-I am new and although we are not unschoolers yet I would like some
> advice.-=-
>
> This list isn't for advising everyone in the whole wide world. It's only
> for discussing unschooling. So while you might get some suggestions, it will
> be unschoolers making unschooling suggestions (if you're lucky).
>
> -=-He keeps telling them in a not so nice way to stop.
> Meanwhile Im just trying to shop and not make a scene.-=-
>
> Get two carts. Put two kids in one, and one in the other, and engage the
> older one in conversation. I had three, not four, in that range, but have
> done it many times.
>
> -=I told him to let me parent and be the boss at the store. -=-
>
> If there are good reasons for what you're asking, give the good, sensible,
> logical reasons. Don't say you want "to be the boss." That's lame. Maybe he
> felt you weren't paying enough attention to the younger kids and that they
> were in danger. Maybe.
>
> -=- He told them why they needed to move and basically was pretty mean to
> them.-=-
>
> He's used to being bossed around, right?
>
> He's trying to be more like you and you don't like it?
>
> Then you should be more like you want him to be, rather than argue with him
> about which of you "gets to parent."
>
> -=-I think it might have to do with the way I used to parent. -=-
>
> I think it has to do with your definition of "to parent," more than any
> "used to."
>
> -=-What is the best way for him to transition into a more unschool type
> atmosphere?-=-
>
> The only way for you as a family to transition is this. There are no
> shortcuts. The parents need it more than the kids do, and school at home
> will cause it to take even more recovery time than if he came straight out
> of school, because home has *been* "school" to him, and that will take some
> recovery time.
> http://sandradodd.com/deschooling
>
> Gradually: http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
>
> but not TOO graducally: http://sandradodd.com/doit
>
> Sandra
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 26, 2011, at 8:23 PM, brandi yates wrote:
what's bothering me about that statement.
really really do. Not everyone's born to be a CEO but those who are
aren't going to let anything get in their way ;-)
It could also be a reaction to having been controlled in the past.
Just because you didn't boss him doesn't mean he didn't feel the
effects of being controlled. When the controls on anything are
released, the reaction can often be a dramatic grab for what was
controlled to fill up on it (TV, candy, freedom). In his case, the
ability to control his life. Part of which he feels is other people
but that really shouldn't be his to control. It can be a fun game for
you to play with him, but it should be a game and only those willing
to play involved.
Give him power over other things. Look at what he does during the day
and find ways to make them doable for him without help. Like stools
for light switches. Food that's accessible and easy to grab.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I say "boss" because he asks for permission to be in charge at home.He shouldn't be in charge of other people, though. I think that's
what's bothering me about that statement.
> He isIt could be his personality. Not everyone likes to be in charge. Some
> just taking it too far and acting in a way that he has not ever been
> treated.
really really do. Not everyone's born to be a CEO but those who are
aren't going to let anything get in their way ;-)
It could also be a reaction to having been controlled in the past.
Just because you didn't boss him doesn't mean he didn't feel the
effects of being controlled. When the controls on anything are
released, the reaction can often be a dramatic grab for what was
controlled to fill up on it (TV, candy, freedom). In his case, the
ability to control his life. Part of which he feels is other people
but that really shouldn't be his to control. It can be a fun game for
you to play with him, but it should be a game and only those willing
to play involved.
Give him power over other things. Look at what he does during the day
and find ways to make them doable for him without help. Like stools
for light switches. Food that's accessible and easy to grab.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
brandi yates <brandi.yates@...> wrote:
It may also help to apologize to him now and then and talk about the fact that you're learning as you go. You know more about being a mom now than when you started, and you've changed your mind about some things.
---Meredith
>> What is the best way for him to transition into a more unschool typeBe gentle with him and considerate of his sensibilities. It's pretty normal for an older child, confronted with mom going off the unschooling deep end and obviously (to him or her) neglecting parental responsibilities, to step up and try to help out. See him being helpful and responsible and look for ways to help him do that better - give him suggestions of things to do, rather than "correcting" him with "that's not how I want to parent". At the same time, be careful of setting him up to see a vacuum in parenting - unschooling doesn't necessarily mean letting everything go, it often means being even More engaged with your kids. That might mean looking for ways to take less children to the grocery store at one time for awhile!
> atmosphere?
It may also help to apologize to him now and then and talk about the fact that you're learning as you go. You know more about being a mom now than when you started, and you've changed your mind about some things.
---Meredith
Marina DeLuca-Howard
You seem to be confusing "being the boss" with parenting. My oldest also
steps in to "big brothering" roles. It is actually my husband who notices
this. It happens more when dad is around because my husband doesn't see the
patterns of a leading to b as quickly as Rowan. In a sense Rowan has been
"apprenticing" by being parented a certain way and so when younger children
seem stressed, hungry or in danger he has a box of tools. Rowan's word
choice, actions and responses inevitably sound like mine--my husband often
rolls his eyes and utters "there are two of you" when he is annoyed. Other
times John feels good about our parenting choices when Rowan pitches in and
demonstrates calm behaviour in the face of upset younger brothers.
If you set up shopping as a power struggle it will be one.
When the younger boys seem unhappy Rowan offers food, sympathy and asks to
help-that's what he's experienced and seen. I generally don't put him in
the position of having to safeguard his siblings. But my kids are actively
shopping with me usually or they do something they enjoy while I shop. I
found that their tolerance for errands was not necessarily equal to the
amount of time it takes for the errand.
Try this experiment: follow your friend or partner or kids around for a few
hours. See how long before you get cranky--need to pee, feel tired, feel
thirsty or hungry or just want to go home and get back to your needlepoint
project and feel cheated and bored:)
Marina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
steps in to "big brothering" roles. It is actually my husband who notices
this. It happens more when dad is around because my husband doesn't see the
patterns of a leading to b as quickly as Rowan. In a sense Rowan has been
"apprenticing" by being parented a certain way and so when younger children
seem stressed, hungry or in danger he has a box of tools. Rowan's word
choice, actions and responses inevitably sound like mine--my husband often
rolls his eyes and utters "there are two of you" when he is annoyed. Other
times John feels good about our parenting choices when Rowan pitches in and
demonstrates calm behaviour in the face of upset younger brothers.
If you set up shopping as a power struggle it will be one.
When the younger boys seem unhappy Rowan offers food, sympathy and asks to
help-that's what he's experienced and seen. I generally don't put him in
the position of having to safeguard his siblings. But my kids are actively
shopping with me usually or they do something they enjoy while I shop. I
found that their tolerance for errands was not necessarily equal to the
amount of time it takes for the errand.
Try this experiment: follow your friend or partner or kids around for a few
hours. See how long before you get cranky--need to pee, feel tired, feel
thirsty or hungry or just want to go home and get back to your needlepoint
project and feel cheated and bored:)
Marina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]