Stupid/I hate you/Hush it up phrases
teresa
We just moved far, far away from where we had been living for all of my almost-6-year-old son's life. It's much farther away from my mom, too, who we visited at least every couple of months, and whose company he loves.
(I know, great beginning, right?)
And while the stress of this didn't show up right away, about a month after the move, so for about two or three weeks now, things have been tough with my son.
He has a super short fuse with all of us, his dad, me, his 2 1/2-year-old brother. When he asks for things, if there's even a pause, a hint of a yes, but... or certainly a no, he yells at us, screams in our ears, tries to put his hand over our mouths. There's a lot of calling us, his brother, things that seem to be obstacles, stupid. I hate you is common. As is hush it up (which he uses like shut up).
What I usually do is try to get really calm, to say back to him what I see the stressors to be and to guess at his feelings, to try and gently offer solutions, and to tell him that stupid/I hate you/hush it up aren't kind ways to talk to people and they don't solve problems. (And that putting your hand on someone's mouth or grabbing them or punching them, etc., is also not the way to solve problems and it hurts people.) But in the moment, he laughs that kind of uncomfortable laughter when I say these things, the kind that's triggered by nervousness for some people (myself included).
And while I can pretty well de-escalate things, the explosions don't seem to be lessening.
My husband and I talked about it last night. We are thinking that this is one of those times when a parent does his or her best to hold a safe space while the storm passes, trying to keep the relationships whole and kind while the child is going through some stuff, being available if the child wants to talk, saying brief helpful things along the way.
But it's awkward. I'm not sure of myself. Sometimes, I pick him up and move him into the bedroom where he can't go after his brother or will stop throwing things, etc. This feels bad, and he tells me how much he doesn't like it. (I stay in there to talk and be with him, and invariably my efforts to contain things are what he brings up first as the problems that he sees.)
I've read martial arts classes as a suggestion in the past, and I offered that, as well as fencing, which I thought we could do together, but he's not interested in taking any classes at all at this point, though we do watch YouTube videos and kind of play with it at home together, when the mood is sweet and playful.
Thanks for any help,
Teresa
Mama to Woody, almost 6, and Fox, 2 1/2
(I know, great beginning, right?)
And while the stress of this didn't show up right away, about a month after the move, so for about two or three weeks now, things have been tough with my son.
He has a super short fuse with all of us, his dad, me, his 2 1/2-year-old brother. When he asks for things, if there's even a pause, a hint of a yes, but... or certainly a no, he yells at us, screams in our ears, tries to put his hand over our mouths. There's a lot of calling us, his brother, things that seem to be obstacles, stupid. I hate you is common. As is hush it up (which he uses like shut up).
What I usually do is try to get really calm, to say back to him what I see the stressors to be and to guess at his feelings, to try and gently offer solutions, and to tell him that stupid/I hate you/hush it up aren't kind ways to talk to people and they don't solve problems. (And that putting your hand on someone's mouth or grabbing them or punching them, etc., is also not the way to solve problems and it hurts people.) But in the moment, he laughs that kind of uncomfortable laughter when I say these things, the kind that's triggered by nervousness for some people (myself included).
And while I can pretty well de-escalate things, the explosions don't seem to be lessening.
My husband and I talked about it last night. We are thinking that this is one of those times when a parent does his or her best to hold a safe space while the storm passes, trying to keep the relationships whole and kind while the child is going through some stuff, being available if the child wants to talk, saying brief helpful things along the way.
But it's awkward. I'm not sure of myself. Sometimes, I pick him up and move him into the bedroom where he can't go after his brother or will stop throwing things, etc. This feels bad, and he tells me how much he doesn't like it. (I stay in there to talk and be with him, and invariably my efforts to contain things are what he brings up first as the problems that he sees.)
I've read martial arts classes as a suggestion in the past, and I offered that, as well as fencing, which I thought we could do together, but he's not interested in taking any classes at all at this point, though we do watch YouTube videos and kind of play with it at home together, when the mood is sweet and playful.
Thanks for any help,
Teresa
Mama to Woody, almost 6, and Fox, 2 1/2
Meredith
"teresa" <treesock@...> wrote:
Two or three weeks isn't very long - although it can seem that way! Since you've just moved, it could help to see the whole next year as a kind of transition - and transitions can be tough on kids. Expect things to be a little rough for awhile longer! Not in the sense of tensing up against the possibility of your son melting down, but in the sense of accepting that he's going to react more strongly for awhile so you don't bring your own angst into the mix.
When Mo was around the same age, if she was on the verge of melting down when leaving a friend's house, I'd remind her that she didn't like to be carried to the car, and I didn't like it either. Sometimes that helped her leave on her own. It's not the sort of thing you can really talk about with most 3yos, but a 6yo may be able to think about the situation enough to make another choice in the moment.
You can also make plans and deals with him outside of tense moments. What else could you and your son do when he's wanting to throw things at his brother? Ask for ideas, make some suggestions, make a plan and try it - not every time, just next time, and then talk about that afterwards since he seems open to talking. Is this better than carrying him from the room? Worse? Want to try the same thing next time or something else? Keep in mind that the point isn't so much to fix things once and for all as to help him think about different ways to solve problems.
---Meredith
> about a month after the move, so for about two or three weeks now, things have been tough with my son.***************
Two or three weeks isn't very long - although it can seem that way! Since you've just moved, it could help to see the whole next year as a kind of transition - and transitions can be tough on kids. Expect things to be a little rough for awhile longer! Not in the sense of tensing up against the possibility of your son melting down, but in the sense of accepting that he's going to react more strongly for awhile so you don't bring your own angst into the mix.
>>Sometimes, I pick him up and move him into the bedroom where he can't go after his brother or will stop throwing things, etc. This feels bad, and he tells me how much he doesn't like it.*****************
When Mo was around the same age, if she was on the verge of melting down when leaving a friend's house, I'd remind her that she didn't like to be carried to the car, and I didn't like it either. Sometimes that helped her leave on her own. It's not the sort of thing you can really talk about with most 3yos, but a 6yo may be able to think about the situation enough to make another choice in the moment.
You can also make plans and deals with him outside of tense moments. What else could you and your son do when he's wanting to throw things at his brother? Ask for ideas, make some suggestions, make a plan and try it - not every time, just next time, and then talk about that afterwards since he seems open to talking. Is this better than carrying him from the room? Worse? Want to try the same thing next time or something else? Keep in mind that the point isn't so much to fix things once and for all as to help him think about different ways to solve problems.
> I've read martial arts classes as a suggestion in the past...To what purpose? Does he need to work off some energy? Have some extra rough and tumble play? Hang out with more kids? Maybe a class won't work for him, but if you think about whatever benefit you envision from a martial arts class you may be able to find other options.
---Meredith