False Confidence
nalmeida12
My 9 year old son has been bragging about accomplishments that aren't true. There is also a lot of sel-promoting going on. We are deschooling so maybe he is just shedding or working through some self -esteem issues developed under the school experience and our previously rigid existence. A while back -months ago - a friend of his was in the car and the topic of motorcycles came up. My son said yeah our motorcycle is not working right now right mom? I didn't respond- thankfully the baby started fussing so I acted like I didn't hear. Later, I tried to bring it up to discuss lying and involving other to lie for him. He denied saying anything. With unschooling and some of the threads I have read, I have not challenged him again though he continues to brag and exaggerate and sometimes outright lie. He has not once attempted to involve me in the lie again.
My question is how should I handle this? I liked the poop in the lemonade analogy Sandra suggested once but my gut tells me any diect discussion will only shut him down. I would like to help him not have a need to do this -ultimately it seems to be reflective of low self-esteem. It is affecting his credibility with friends, family and online peers. Thank you in advance.
Nuria
My question is how should I handle this? I liked the poop in the lemonade analogy Sandra suggested once but my gut tells me any diect discussion will only shut him down. I would like to help him not have a need to do this -ultimately it seems to be reflective of low self-esteem. It is affecting his credibility with friends, family and online peers. Thank you in advance.
Nuria
JustSayin
Sounds like you read the string where I asked similar questions about my 10 year old son. Interestingly, since then my son has decreased this on his own. In fact I can't remember the last time I said "really??" with a raised eyebrow (to him anyway).
I didn't really make it a point to talk to him other than when he would get mad at me for questioning the validity of a statement, I would talk to him about credibility (I think I tried the lemonade analogy but totally messed it up, we had a pretty good laugh over that one ;>), and how telling one untruth could easily make people assume that he never tells the truth.
It may depend on your relationship with your son how easy it is for you to have these kinds of discussions. If he shuts down it's probably not worth harming your relationship with him right now. Maybe you could find a way to casually bring up an example of someone else that made a false statement to you and now you're not sure if anything he tells you is true, and you could add, "what do you think? Do you think I should believe him?". Of course this could turn in unexpected ways, but the seed will have been planted.
I do think knowing that others had a similar experience was enough to help me relax a little. I frankly think it's a 9/10 year old boy thing - they are just trying to establish their place in the big old world.
Also my son does hang around with two kids that are "schooled", one traditionally and the other homeschooled (school at home). Both parented in a very "traditional" way.
I overheard many a conversation where these boys were one upping my son at every turn. It pained me and I usually talked about it to my son after the fact (and amazingly he never did the one upmanship thing). But I'm sure this may have influenced my son's need to appear to have all the answers. If your son was in school I bet this influence is even stronger with him, so you may need to give him a little slack - it make take a little while for him to realize he doesn't have to prove himself all the time.
Good luck and try to talk to him about it without too much judgement. My son will always let me know when I'm crossing that line ;>
--Melissa
I didn't really make it a point to talk to him other than when he would get mad at me for questioning the validity of a statement, I would talk to him about credibility (I think I tried the lemonade analogy but totally messed it up, we had a pretty good laugh over that one ;>), and how telling one untruth could easily make people assume that he never tells the truth.
It may depend on your relationship with your son how easy it is for you to have these kinds of discussions. If he shuts down it's probably not worth harming your relationship with him right now. Maybe you could find a way to casually bring up an example of someone else that made a false statement to you and now you're not sure if anything he tells you is true, and you could add, "what do you think? Do you think I should believe him?". Of course this could turn in unexpected ways, but the seed will have been planted.
I do think knowing that others had a similar experience was enough to help me relax a little. I frankly think it's a 9/10 year old boy thing - they are just trying to establish their place in the big old world.
Also my son does hang around with two kids that are "schooled", one traditionally and the other homeschooled (school at home). Both parented in a very "traditional" way.
I overheard many a conversation where these boys were one upping my son at every turn. It pained me and I usually talked about it to my son after the fact (and amazingly he never did the one upmanship thing). But I'm sure this may have influenced my son's need to appear to have all the answers. If your son was in school I bet this influence is even stronger with him, so you may need to give him a little slack - it make take a little while for him to realize he doesn't have to prove himself all the time.
Good luck and try to talk to him about it without too much judgement. My son will always let me know when I'm crossing that line ;>
--Melissa
--- In [email protected], "nalmeida12" <nalmeida12@...> wrote:
>
> My 9 year old son has been bragging about accomplishments that aren't true. There is also a lot of sel-promoting going on. We are deschooling so maybe he is just shedding or working through some self -esteem issues developed under the school experience and our previously rigid existence. A while back -months ago - a friend of his was in the car and the topic of motorcycles came up. My son said yeah our motorcycle is not working right now right mom? I didn't respond- thankfully the baby started fussing so I acted like I didn't hear. Later, I tried to bring it up to discuss lying and involving other to lie for him. He denied saying anything. With unschooling and some of the threads I have read, I have not challenged him again though he continues to brag and exaggerate and sometimes outright lie. He has not once attempted to involve me in the lie again.
>
> My question is how should I handle this? I liked the poop in the lemonade analogy Sandra suggested once but my gut tells me any diect discussion will only shut him down. I would like to help him not have a need to do this -ultimately it seems to be reflective of low self-esteem. It is affecting his credibility with friends, family and online peers. Thank you in advance.
>
> Nuria
>