Roles was Reluctant Husbands
Jennifer Deets
Throughout the past couple of years as we've moved into homeschooling then unschooling, my husband has asked on a few occasions what he should be doing with the kids (we both work and alternate days/times home with the kids).
His questions spring from the same sort of sharing of responsibilities that was mentioned earlier -- he can use power tools without losing an appendage, so I stay away (far away!) while he makes beautiful furniture and other useful items. I read quickly and can give him synopses of books he can't/won't find time to read, so he asks questions while/after I've read them.
Anyway, it's a partnership we have been growing into for 10 years. All too aware that no one person can know everything, we seek information form others who know what we are wondering about. In the process, we show our kids how to find out stuff they want to know.
So, what I have done to reassure him (not necessarily to convince or persuade), to help him see how lovely our learning lives are becoming without the burdens of structure, is to share with him as often as possible what the kids say and do.
For example, yesterday I took them to Sea World (we live nearby and have passes). Since it is between spring break season and schools-out season, the parks are pretty empty, making it much less hectic to visit. We first visited the sea lions. They were making a delightful racket. Britton, who is five, looked up and me and smiled, "Mommy, it sounds like they are trying to make a band." I listened more closely. Sure enough, not only were the sounds loud, they had differing qualities and were clearly connected to each other. I hugged him for helping me to hear music in their barks.
Later, on the way home (with the video playing Fantasia 2000 :) ), I looked back at Chloe. She was getting that sleepy-eyed look that 3-year-olds get when they are tuckered out. She smiled at me and said quietly, but with satisfaction, "I had a good day."
I called Wilton and told him about getting splashed by Shamu (Alexandra, our 8-year-old, was less than thrilled about this, but the rest of us had great fun wondering when that frigid water would get us) and all of our other adventures. This little bit of paying attention and sharing with him, in the kids' words, what happened has been helpful for him. I've noticed that he also looks for ways that the kids express how they are responding to an event or activity and then he shares it with me.
Finally, to connect to my change of subject line, I think we all have special roles to play -- not dictated by biology or society, but dependent upon the needs of ourselves, our partners, and our children. Sometimes Chloe desperately wants to be the "leader," so we must be followers. Sometimes husbands/spouses/partners who love us and their children just need/want to know how to see and hear evidence that all is well.
Jennifer
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
His questions spring from the same sort of sharing of responsibilities that was mentioned earlier -- he can use power tools without losing an appendage, so I stay away (far away!) while he makes beautiful furniture and other useful items. I read quickly and can give him synopses of books he can't/won't find time to read, so he asks questions while/after I've read them.
Anyway, it's a partnership we have been growing into for 10 years. All too aware that no one person can know everything, we seek information form others who know what we are wondering about. In the process, we show our kids how to find out stuff they want to know.
So, what I have done to reassure him (not necessarily to convince or persuade), to help him see how lovely our learning lives are becoming without the burdens of structure, is to share with him as often as possible what the kids say and do.
For example, yesterday I took them to Sea World (we live nearby and have passes). Since it is between spring break season and schools-out season, the parks are pretty empty, making it much less hectic to visit. We first visited the sea lions. They were making a delightful racket. Britton, who is five, looked up and me and smiled, "Mommy, it sounds like they are trying to make a band." I listened more closely. Sure enough, not only were the sounds loud, they had differing qualities and were clearly connected to each other. I hugged him for helping me to hear music in their barks.
Later, on the way home (with the video playing Fantasia 2000 :) ), I looked back at Chloe. She was getting that sleepy-eyed look that 3-year-olds get when they are tuckered out. She smiled at me and said quietly, but with satisfaction, "I had a good day."
I called Wilton and told him about getting splashed by Shamu (Alexandra, our 8-year-old, was less than thrilled about this, but the rest of us had great fun wondering when that frigid water would get us) and all of our other adventures. This little bit of paying attention and sharing with him, in the kids' words, what happened has been helpful for him. I've noticed that he also looks for ways that the kids express how they are responding to an event or activity and then he shares it with me.
Finally, to connect to my change of subject line, I think we all have special roles to play -- not dictated by biology or society, but dependent upon the needs of ourselves, our partners, and our children. Sometimes Chloe desperately wants to be the "leader," so we must be followers. Sometimes husbands/spouses/partners who love us and their children just need/want to know how to see and hear evidence that all is well.
Jennifer
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Sometimes husbands/spouses/partners who love us and their children just
need/want to know how to see and hear evidence that all is well.
Exactly!!
I think we sometimes don't realize that we are using words that disempower
until someone says something like "well, that doesn't sound like a very
healthy equal relationship" Then in the secondary explanation we change our
wording. Maybe if we (we women, not we, alwayslearning list members) were
more conscious of our words in the beginning it would sound as if we have
more "power" and thereby actually HAVE it
(Power does not equal control in this)
~Elissa Cleaveland
"It is nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction
have
not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry." A. Einstein
need/want to know how to see and hear evidence that all is well.
Exactly!!
I think we sometimes don't realize that we are using words that disempower
until someone says something like "well, that doesn't sound like a very
healthy equal relationship" Then in the secondary explanation we change our
wording. Maybe if we (we women, not we, alwayslearning list members) were
more conscious of our words in the beginning it would sound as if we have
more "power" and thereby actually HAVE it
(Power does not equal control in this)
~Elissa Cleaveland
"It is nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction
have
not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry." A. Einstein
Kelly Green
I agree. I think other times we see "disempowerment" when it isn't
necessarily there, and tell other people that their relationships
must be "unhealthy" when we couldn't possibly know this (even if it
were our business to comment).
This was Suzanna's original message:
me," or anything having to do with needing to ask permission. The
disempowering language was first introduced in Dawn's post, which I
felt was an unhelpful reply to a person just opening herself up to
the list and new to unschooling.
Kelly
necessarily there, and tell other people that their relationships
must be "unhealthy" when we couldn't possibly know this (even if it
were our business to comment).
This was Suzanna's original message:
>I am new to this group. I am leaning more and more towards unschooling, butShe doesn't use the words "prove," "lay down the law," "husband lets
>my husband is not. Almost everyday he asks if the kids did any schoolwork.
>Have any of you had this problem? If so, how did you handle it?
me," or anything having to do with needing to ask permission. The
disempowering language was first introduced in Dawn's post, which I
felt was an unhelpful reply to a person just opening herself up to
the list and new to unschooling.
Kelly
>I think we sometimes don't realize that we are using words that disempower
>until someone says something like "well, that doesn't sound like a very
>healthy equal relationship" Then in the secondary explanation we change our
>wording. Maybe if we (we women, not we, alwayslearning list members) were
>more conscious of our words in the beginning it would sound as if we have
>more "power" and thereby actually HAVE it
>(Power does not equal control in this)
>~Elissa Cleaveland
>"It is nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction
>have
>not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry." A. Einstein
>
>
>
>
>
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>[email protected]
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Dan Vilter
On 4/18/02 12:14 AM, "Jennifer Deets" <jdeets@...> wrote:
worthwhile.
-Dan Vilter
> She was getting that sleepy-eyed look that 3-year-olds get when they areI love these moments. They make whatever you've done make sense and be
> tuckered out. She smiled at me and said quietly, but with satisfaction, "I had
> a good day."
worthwhile.
-Dan Vilter