RELUCTANT HUSBAND
Dawn Falbe
Hi All: I have to come from a different perspective about this subject.. A
position of power... I'm always pretty uncomfortable when I hear grown women
talking about how they have to "show" "prove" "justify" or convince their
husbands of anything. My understanding of a healthy marital relationship is
that my husband and I are equal, therefore neither of us would do anything
to put our children in harms way and that includes ideas we have for them,
that may seem out of the norm to others. In turn neither of us has to
"prove" anything to each other. He is not my father and I am not his mother
or teacher... Those actual words used such as show, prove, justify, also
keeping a log remind me of school, which sounds like the place your husband
is coming from. His own fears. So instead of talking about his fears he
places the responsibility to stop his fears on his wife.
If my husband wanted me to prove anything to him, firstly I would have to
laugh at him, if he still kept a serious face then he could stay home with
the kids and I'll go out and work and then he can decide what's going to
happen....
I am married to a man that loves unschooling and cannot imagine doing
anything different. After I was reading about the Sudbury Valley Schools I
went to their site. There is one in Sacramento, where we are planning on
moving too later this year, and I talked to him about it. His thoughts were
"why would we send him to an unschooling school if unschooling at home is
working?" He had a point, so I printed the information off and put it in my
Sacramento file, as a back up... Once in California our plan is for my hubby
to quit working fulltime and we can work in my business together and both be
with the kids unschooling them. These are lifestyle choices that are
available to the majority of people and we have chosen to taken them.
This reluctant husband subject is a big red flag topic for me as it's
different from the relatives or friends who think I ought to be doing
something different. They are on the outside of my family. I at least
expect my husband and I to be on the same page with what we want for our
children and our lives together.
Dawn (still in AZ) but moving closer towards Northern California
schoolwork.
to come from schoolbooks (in fact, the best learning comes from anything
*but*
schoolbooks). Keep a learning log for a while, and show it to him when he
asks. and hopefully convince him.agreed to let me try it for summer school.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
position of power... I'm always pretty uncomfortable when I hear grown women
talking about how they have to "show" "prove" "justify" or convince their
husbands of anything. My understanding of a healthy marital relationship is
that my husband and I are equal, therefore neither of us would do anything
to put our children in harms way and that includes ideas we have for them,
that may seem out of the norm to others. In turn neither of us has to
"prove" anything to each other. He is not my father and I am not his mother
or teacher... Those actual words used such as show, prove, justify, also
keeping a log remind me of school, which sounds like the place your husband
is coming from. His own fears. So instead of talking about his fears he
places the responsibility to stop his fears on his wife.
If my husband wanted me to prove anything to him, firstly I would have to
laugh at him, if he still kept a serious face then he could stay home with
the kids and I'll go out and work and then he can decide what's going to
happen....
I am married to a man that loves unschooling and cannot imagine doing
anything different. After I was reading about the Sudbury Valley Schools I
went to their site. There is one in Sacramento, where we are planning on
moving too later this year, and I talked to him about it. His thoughts were
"why would we send him to an unschooling school if unschooling at home is
working?" He had a point, so I printed the information off and put it in my
Sacramento file, as a back up... Once in California our plan is for my hubby
to quit working fulltime and we can work in my business together and both be
with the kids unschooling them. These are lifestyle choices that are
available to the majority of people and we have chosen to taken them.
This reluctant husband subject is a big red flag topic for me as it's
different from the relatives or friends who think I ought to be doing
something different. They are on the outside of my family. I at least
expect my husband and I to be on the same page with what we want for our
children and our lives together.
Dawn (still in AZ) but moving closer towards Northern California
> I am new to this group. I am leaning more and more towards unschooling,but> my husband is not. Almost everyday he asks if the kids did any
schoolwork.
> Have any of you had this problem? If so, how did you handle it?From: Debbie Bartle The trick here is to show him that learning doesn't have
> Suzanna in NM (soon to be in MS)
to come from schoolbooks (in fact, the best learning comes from anything
*but*
schoolbooks). Keep a learning log for a while, and show it to him when he
asks. and hopefully convince him.agreed to let me try it for summer school.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Green
When equals disagree about what is best for their children, then how
should they come to agreement? Some persuasion has to occur, I
think. This is what some of us mean when we say we have to
"convince" (or show or prove) that unschooling is what is best for
our kids. It is lucky for you (maybe) that you and your husband
agree on everything.
A marriage in which there is disagreement is not necessarily either
bad or inequitable. (And a marriage in which there is unanimous and
continuous agreement is not necessarily either good or equitable).
Giving 100% of the decision to the person who stays home with the
kids does not sound "equitable" to me, anymore than giving 100%
control over the checkbook to the breadwinner is equitable.
Kelly,
longtime lurker, in a very equitable relationship, in which both
breadwinning and child-rearing have been split 50/50 so far, without
effort or argument, and also in which there is disagreement about the
"rightness" of unschooling.
should they come to agreement? Some persuasion has to occur, I
think. This is what some of us mean when we say we have to
"convince" (or show or prove) that unschooling is what is best for
our kids. It is lucky for you (maybe) that you and your husband
agree on everything.
A marriage in which there is disagreement is not necessarily either
bad or inequitable. (And a marriage in which there is unanimous and
continuous agreement is not necessarily either good or equitable).
Giving 100% of the decision to the person who stays home with the
kids does not sound "equitable" to me, anymore than giving 100%
control over the checkbook to the breadwinner is equitable.
Kelly,
longtime lurker, in a very equitable relationship, in which both
breadwinning and child-rearing have been split 50/50 so far, without
effort or argument, and also in which there is disagreement about the
"rightness" of unschooling.
>Hi All: I have to come from a different perspective about this subject.. A
>position of power... I'm always pretty uncomfortable when I hear grown women
>talking about how they have to "show" "prove" "justify" or convince their
>husbands of anything. My understanding of a healthy marital relationship is
>that my husband and I are equal, therefore neither of us would do anything
>to put our children in harms way and that includes ideas we have for them,
>that may seem out of the norm to others. In turn neither of us has to
>"prove" anything to each other. He is not my father and I am not his mother
>or teacher... Those actual words used such as show, prove, justify, also
>keeping a log remind me of school, which sounds like the place your husband
>is coming from. His own fears. So instead of talking about his fears he
>places the responsibility to stop his fears on his wife.
KT
<<When equals disagree about what is best for their children, then how
should they come to agreement? Some persuasion has to occur, I
think. This is what some of us mean when we say we have to
"convince" (or show or prove) that unschooling is what is best for
our kids. It is lucky for you (maybe) that you and your husband
agree on everything.>>
Partners can be equal in relationship, but not equal in knowledge. I don't know much about carpentry, so I let him decide on how to build the deck. He didn't know a whole lot about 5 and 7 yo boys when we got married, so he followed my lead.
I was the one motivated to learn about homeschooling and then unschooling. I was the one who read all the books and spent hours on message boards and lists. I shared my knowledge as much as I could, and he took in what he wanted from it. Then, when he started protesting based on his limited knowledge and experience, that's when I challenged him to read the books and the message boards and the lists. I told him if he did that--if he became more knowledgeable and experienced on the subject than I had become in 2 or 3 years--THEN we'd talk, and he *might* even be able to change my mind.
I'm sure this is the same thing he was thinking when I questioned how he was cutting that fancy angle into the deck top.
After reading Sandra and Pam and Joyce and Deb and Pam-I-Am, et al, for *years*, I knew it would be more years before he could hold a candle to me in an argument about homeschooling. My skills were *honed*, baby. ;) When I *finally* issued that challenge to him, you know what happened? He shut-up about it. Spoke nary a word about it for months. Eventually I learned that he would go off on his business trips and spend time on airplanes talking to strangers about homeschooling. The more he did that, the more the logic of it all took hold, and the more convinced he became. One day after a business trip, he was telling me about the conversation with the stranger in the next seat, and I heard my arguments coming out of his mouth.
And he never even read any books. ;)
Tuck
should they come to agreement? Some persuasion has to occur, I
think. This is what some of us mean when we say we have to
"convince" (or show or prove) that unschooling is what is best for
our kids. It is lucky for you (maybe) that you and your husband
agree on everything.>>
Partners can be equal in relationship, but not equal in knowledge. I don't know much about carpentry, so I let him decide on how to build the deck. He didn't know a whole lot about 5 and 7 yo boys when we got married, so he followed my lead.
I was the one motivated to learn about homeschooling and then unschooling. I was the one who read all the books and spent hours on message boards and lists. I shared my knowledge as much as I could, and he took in what he wanted from it. Then, when he started protesting based on his limited knowledge and experience, that's when I challenged him to read the books and the message boards and the lists. I told him if he did that--if he became more knowledgeable and experienced on the subject than I had become in 2 or 3 years--THEN we'd talk, and he *might* even be able to change my mind.
I'm sure this is the same thing he was thinking when I questioned how he was cutting that fancy angle into the deck top.
After reading Sandra and Pam and Joyce and Deb and Pam-I-Am, et al, for *years*, I knew it would be more years before he could hold a candle to me in an argument about homeschooling. My skills were *honed*, baby. ;) When I *finally* issued that challenge to him, you know what happened? He shut-up about it. Spoke nary a word about it for months. Eventually I learned that he would go off on his business trips and spend time on airplanes talking to strangers about homeschooling. The more he did that, the more the logic of it all took hold, and the more convinced he became. One day after a business trip, he was telling me about the conversation with the stranger in the next seat, and I heard my arguments coming out of his mouth.
And he never even read any books. ;)
Tuck
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/17/02 6:42:22 AM, Tuck@... writes:
<< One day after a business trip, he was telling me about the conversation
with the stranger in the next seat, and I heard my arguments coming out of
his mouth. >>
That's kind of how I learned my husband was totally sold on it.
Another guy he worked with was telling him they homeschooled too!
So they got into a conversation about it, and Keith was appalled that they
made their kids do lessons, on a schedule, and that the wife was tired and
frustrated by it, but they were keeping to it no matter what.
While I knew Keith had heard a lot of the unschooling stuff from me, it
hadn't occurred to me that he hadn't heard or read much about school at
home--just what he'd seen on TV news shows as the passing reference to
homeschooling.
Since then I've overheard him talk to other dads at social gatherings, and he
never seems nervous and never looks to me for support.
While he's not 100% totally proud of every aspect of his teenaged sons' liv
es, I know for sure that they are closer than they would be if the boys were
in school. And IF the boys were in school and Keith was proud of them, what
he would be being proud of would be grades and sports and music and theatre.
Not THEM themselves, but their measurable and photographable successes.
Now, while he wishes they would NEVER leave dishes in their rooms, or that
they would ALWAYS put their clothes in the laundry room before they pile up
or scatter out (not that the dad himself does that...), I see those as issues
that would still be here without unschooling. But he IS proud of their
maturity and responsibility and gamesmanship and courtesy.
Sandra
<< One day after a business trip, he was telling me about the conversation
with the stranger in the next seat, and I heard my arguments coming out of
his mouth. >>
That's kind of how I learned my husband was totally sold on it.
Another guy he worked with was telling him they homeschooled too!
So they got into a conversation about it, and Keith was appalled that they
made their kids do lessons, on a schedule, and that the wife was tired and
frustrated by it, but they were keeping to it no matter what.
While I knew Keith had heard a lot of the unschooling stuff from me, it
hadn't occurred to me that he hadn't heard or read much about school at
home--just what he'd seen on TV news shows as the passing reference to
homeschooling.
Since then I've overheard him talk to other dads at social gatherings, and he
never seems nervous and never looks to me for support.
While he's not 100% totally proud of every aspect of his teenaged sons' liv
es, I know for sure that they are closer than they would be if the boys were
in school. And IF the boys were in school and Keith was proud of them, what
he would be being proud of would be grades and sports and music and theatre.
Not THEM themselves, but their measurable and photographable successes.
Now, while he wishes they would NEVER leave dishes in their rooms, or that
they would ALWAYS put their clothes in the laundry room before they pile up
or scatter out (not that the dad himself does that...), I see those as issues
that would still be here without unschooling. But he IS proud of their
maturity and responsibility and gamesmanship and courtesy.
Sandra
Sharon Rudd
. One day after a
continued talking in such a way, that I had to
overhear) DH talking on the phone to one of his
railroad cronies.....defending unschooling. I was
VERY surprised. I think he was sticking up for "his
own" more than unschooling, but end, what's the dif?
Wish you could have seen HIS glow when I told him that
I was impressed.
Sharon of the Swamp
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Tax Center - online filing with TurboTax
http://taxes.yahoo.com/
> business trip, he was telling me about theI overheard (he carried the phone to where I was and
> conversation with the stranger in the next seat, and
> I heard my arguments coming out of his mouth.
>
> And he never even read any books. ;)
>
> Tuck
continued talking in such a way, that I had to
overhear) DH talking on the phone to one of his
railroad cronies.....defending unschooling. I was
VERY surprised. I think he was sticking up for "his
own" more than unschooling, but end, what's the dif?
Wish you could have seen HIS glow when I told him that
I was impressed.
Sharon of the Swamp
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Tax Center - online filing with TurboTax
http://taxes.yahoo.com/