Sibling Separation and Growth
barefootcdh
I trust this place, more than any other, to answer this question more honestly and with the collective wisdom for what I need to help my children...I have two boys - one 12 (13 in November) and one 9. We are unschooling in a very small town (read: limited resources in the friends area), and my oldest, who makes friends so easily, is friends with a small posse of public schooled kids, and has been for quite some time. The youngest, 9, was sort of born in to this group, and as personalities have grown and changed, it is apparent that he is quite inflexible, unlike the 12 year old. The problem is, I have created quite an injustice to the 12 year old, I'm afraid, and I am here to ask for help on how to rectify this in a way that is respectful to both of these worthy boys: My 9 year old considers these kids his friends. He has only one friend that would consider HIM the main friend; other than that, they really gravitate toward the 12 year old. HOW do I now, after I've laid this track of the two of them being almost always together, help the 12 year old to separate from the 9 year old with the least amount of hurt feelings. The 12 year old suffers from pretty bad anxiety which plays a meaningful part in all of this - in addition, he can not stand to hurt his little brother's feelings (and he feels things acutely), but really NEEDS his own time with these friends.
I was more in the 9 year old's shoes, with a really cool older sister who resented me and humiliated me every waking second for "embarrassing her", etc., and I come in to this situation with very little wisdom for how to meet each child's needs. My 12 year old is MUCH kinder than my sister.
I hope that this post is clear. I think that I understand what I've done, just not sure how to undo it in the most helpful and least harmful way, if that makes sense.
Thank you.
I was more in the 9 year old's shoes, with a really cool older sister who resented me and humiliated me every waking second for "embarrassing her", etc., and I come in to this situation with very little wisdom for how to meet each child's needs. My 12 year old is MUCH kinder than my sister.
I hope that this post is clear. I think that I understand what I've done, just not sure how to undo it in the most helpful and least harmful way, if that makes sense.
Thank you.
plaidpanties666
"barefootcdh" <chill74@...> wrote:
What about doing something like taking One of your boys out for a day of fun while the other plays with his friends? That way you can break up the dynamics a bit and give the kids some space while making it something fun, too. From the description you gave, you could just set up playdates for the 9yo with a single friend rather than the whole crew.
The other thing I would look into is trying to find clubs or classes for your guys outside this small town - which could mean some driving to a bigger town! What sorts of things do your guys like? It may be that one will like one thing and the other something different, but again that gives you a chance to set up playdates for one child while the other goes off to karate class or whatever. That will help broaden their social circle so there's less overlap, too.
---Meredith
>HOW do I now, after I've laid this track of the two of them being almost always together, help the 12 year old to separate from the 9 year old with the least amount of hurt feelings.****************
What about doing something like taking One of your boys out for a day of fun while the other plays with his friends? That way you can break up the dynamics a bit and give the kids some space while making it something fun, too. From the description you gave, you could just set up playdates for the 9yo with a single friend rather than the whole crew.
The other thing I would look into is trying to find clubs or classes for your guys outside this small town - which could mean some driving to a bigger town! What sorts of things do your guys like? It may be that one will like one thing and the other something different, but again that gives you a chance to set up playdates for one child while the other goes off to karate class or whatever. That will help broaden their social circle so there's less overlap, too.
---Meredith
Deb
---The problem is I've created quite an injustice to the 12 year old...I think I understand what I've done here---
I think I get the dynamics of the situation your boys are in but i think you're beating yourself up about something that just occurred due the social climate they found themselves in. In other words, your 9 year old hangs out with his big brother and older friends because he has no one in his age group to interact with. I'm just assuming that, though since you mentioned how small your town is. The other thing I wonder is, does your oldest complain about his little brother hanging out with him and his friends? If not then it may not be as much of a problem as you think. If I were you I'd find out how the 12 year old feels and if he's okay with how things are, let it be for now. At their age I believe they can start making good choices about who their friends are and who they aren't. Your older son can help your younger one figure those things out, too. But again, I don't think you have anything to feel responsible for if I read your post correctly. In hope things get better for all of you.
Deborah
I think I get the dynamics of the situation your boys are in but i think you're beating yourself up about something that just occurred due the social climate they found themselves in. In other words, your 9 year old hangs out with his big brother and older friends because he has no one in his age group to interact with. I'm just assuming that, though since you mentioned how small your town is. The other thing I wonder is, does your oldest complain about his little brother hanging out with him and his friends? If not then it may not be as much of a problem as you think. If I were you I'd find out how the 12 year old feels and if he's okay with how things are, let it be for now. At their age I believe they can start making good choices about who their friends are and who they aren't. Your older son can help your younger one figure those things out, too. But again, I don't think you have anything to feel responsible for if I read your post correctly. In hope things get better for all of you.
Deborah
--- In [email protected], "barefootcdh" <chill74@...> wrote:
>
> I trust this place, more than any other, to answer this question more honestly and with the collective wisdom for what I need to help my children...I have two boys - one 12 (13 in November) and one 9. We are unschooling in a very small town (read: limited resources in the friends area), and my oldest, who makes friends so easily, is friends with a small posse of public schooled kids, and has been for quite some time. The youngest, 9, was sort of born in to this group, and as personalities have grown and changed, it is apparent that he is quite inflexible, unlike the 12 year old. The problem is, I have created quite an injustice to the 12 year old, I'm afraid, and I am here to ask for help on how to rectify this in a way that is respectful to both of these worthy boys: My 9 year old considers these kids his friends. He has only one friend that would consider HIM the main friend; other than that, they really gravitate toward the 12 year old. HOW do I now, after I've laid this track of the two of them being almost always together, help the 12 year old to separate from the 9 year old with the least amount of hurt feelings. The 12 year old suffers from pretty bad anxiety which plays a meaningful part in all of this - in addition, he can not stand to hurt his little brother's feelings (and he feels things acutely), but really NEEDS his own time with these friends.
>
> I was more in the 9 year old's shoes, with a really cool older sister who resented me and humiliated me every waking second for "embarrassing her", etc., and I come in to this situation with very little wisdom for how to meet each child's needs. My 12 year old is MUCH kinder than my sister.
> I hope that this post is clear. I think that I understand what I've done, just not sure how to undo it in the most helpful and least harmful way, if that makes sense.
> Thank you.
>
Sandra Dodd
One thing we did sometimes was arrange for one kid to go out with another family or set of families, while one visiting kid was over. So two boys at our house (one mine and one a guest) with the other boy out and about elsewhere.
Not all the time. Occasionally.
It won't be forever. There were a few years Kirby was bothered by Marty's presence, and then came many years of him liking having Marty, and inviting him along.
Sandra
Not all the time. Occasionally.
It won't be forever. There were a few years Kirby was bothered by Marty's presence, and then came many years of him liking having Marty, and inviting him along.
Sandra