Shy Young Children
maryann
Jenny Cyphers, Thank you so much for sharing this story of your
daughter. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/61261
I would LOVE to hear more stories of children who didn't talk much to
people outside their immediate family when they were young. I cringe a
little when I hear stories of how much "better socialized" or "more
social" homeschoolers are than schooled children. I understand the
concept....it just hasn't held true for us yet in terms of being able to
let others see that my child is "just fine".
I wonder what I can do to help when we are actually in social
situations. I see the difference in my five year old from the
comfortable, talkative, fun, happy child that he is at home, to the
scared, nervous, anxious, clinging child he is when we are around
others, and I feel so bad for him. I want to help him to not feel
panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi." I know the
non-unschooling advice on shyness very well, but I'm hoping some more
of you here who've had a shy child will share your experience.
What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when people
talked to him or her? Around what age did your child become more
relaxed about it, if ever? What did you do that helped them foster
relationships with others?What did you say/do to others when they talked
to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?What does your
child say now, about being shy as a young child and how they felt?How
else can I think about this in order to best support my child?
Thanks everyone,maryannDS 5DD 1
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
daughter. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/61261
I would LOVE to hear more stories of children who didn't talk much to
people outside their immediate family when they were young. I cringe a
little when I hear stories of how much "better socialized" or "more
social" homeschoolers are than schooled children. I understand the
concept....it just hasn't held true for us yet in terms of being able to
let others see that my child is "just fine".
I wonder what I can do to help when we are actually in social
situations. I see the difference in my five year old from the
comfortable, talkative, fun, happy child that he is at home, to the
scared, nervous, anxious, clinging child he is when we are around
others, and I feel so bad for him. I want to help him to not feel
panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi." I know the
non-unschooling advice on shyness very well, but I'm hoping some more
of you here who've had a shy child will share your experience.
What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when people
talked to him or her? Around what age did your child become more
relaxed about it, if ever? What did you do that helped them foster
relationships with others?What did you say/do to others when they talked
to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?What does your
child say now, about being shy as a young child and how they felt?How
else can I think about this in order to best support my child?
Thanks everyone,maryannDS 5DD 1
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On May 27, 2011, at 2:15 PM, maryann wrote:
uncomfortable is be a comfortable nest for him to retreat to.
Wanting to help him be comfortable means wanting him to be different.
It means it's not okay for him to be who he is.
I know that's not what you mean but that's what it will feel like to
him. What he needs is understanding and acceptance that this is who
his is right now and that it's difficult for him. He will grow and
change. He will absorb how others are with each other by watching. And
he can either grow and change while he knows you accept him or grow
and change feeling you're anxious for him to be different.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I want to help him to not feelThe best thing you can do when you can't avoid what makes him
> panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi."
uncomfortable is be a comfortable nest for him to retreat to.
Wanting to help him be comfortable means wanting him to be different.
It means it's not okay for him to be who he is.
I know that's not what you mean but that's what it will feel like to
him. What he needs is understanding and acceptance that this is who
his is right now and that it's difficult for him. He will grow and
change. He will absorb how others are with each other by watching. And
he can either grow and change while he knows you accept him or grow
and change feeling you're anxious for him to be different.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Katie
My youngest is very shy, but it's really now just in certain situations. No one could hold her or even talk to her (probably birth to about 4) without her crying. I was a little surprised for a while about her reaction because her older sister wasn't like that at all. We always kept an extra close eye on her because she would have gladly gone off with anyone. But anytime someone would say something to my youngest, I would just hug her a little bit more to let her know that I was right with her and not going anywhere. One day (I think she was about 4) she said to me " you know how you watch us do gymnastics and stuff, well that is what I do with other people. I just like to watch to see what they are doing". She was perfectly happy observing, even though I sometimes worried that she was feeling left out. One day my neighbor called and said that my daughter was at her house playing and talking to everyone. I don't think my neighbor thought she ever talked.
Now my daughter is 6 and talks to everyone she knows. Lots of people can hardly believe she's the same little girl that wouldn't even look at anyone when they spoke to her. I think because I let her be who she naturally was. She's still shy in new situations and around people she has never met. But she's now more comfortable around people than my oldest is. She literally laughs and talks nonstop to the same people that she was so painfully shy around.
It's obvious to others when someone is shy, so I just didn't make a big deal about it. If I say hi to a child that is shy and they don't respond I don't expect anything from the parent. I just smile and then leave the child alone because I know that is what my daughter wanted.
Katie
Now my daughter is 6 and talks to everyone she knows. Lots of people can hardly believe she's the same little girl that wouldn't even look at anyone when they spoke to her. I think because I let her be who she naturally was. She's still shy in new situations and around people she has never met. But she's now more comfortable around people than my oldest is. She literally laughs and talks nonstop to the same people that she was so painfully shy around.
It's obvious to others when someone is shy, so I just didn't make a big deal about it. If I say hi to a child that is shy and they don't respond I don't expect anything from the parent. I just smile and then leave the child alone because I know that is what my daughter wanted.
Katie
--- In [email protected], "maryann" <maryannh@...> wrote:
>
> Jenny Cyphers, Thank you so much for sharing this story of your
> daughter. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/61261
> I would LOVE to hear more stories of children who didn't talk much to
> people outside their immediate family when they were young. I cringe a
> little when I hear stories of how much "better socialized" or "more
> social" homeschoolers are than schooled children. I understand the
> concept....it just hasn't held true for us yet in terms of being able to
> let others see that my child is "just fine".
> I wonder what I can do to help when we are actually in social
> situations. I see the difference in my five year old from the
> comfortable, talkative, fun, happy child that he is at home, to the
> scared, nervous, anxious, clinging child he is when we are around
> others, and I feel so bad for him. I want to help him to not feel
> panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi." I know the
> non-unschooling advice on shyness very well, but I'm hoping some more
> of you here who've had a shy child will share your experience.
> What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when people
> talked to him or her? Around what age did your child become more
> relaxed about it, if ever? What did you do that helped them foster
> relationships with others?What did you say/do to others when they talked
> to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?What does your
> child say now, about being shy as a young child and how they felt?How
> else can I think about this in order to best support my child?
> Thanks everyone,maryannDS 5DD 1
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
kristi_beguin
>>I see the difference in my five year old from the comfortable, talkative, fun, happy child that he is at home, to the scared, nervous, anxious, clinging child he is when we are around others, and I feel so bad for him.<<I want to second what Joyce said about not trying to make him someone he isn't and accept him for who he is. If he is uncomfortable talking to others, be his voice. You might want to ask him if he'd like for you to answer for him when you are out and about and might run into people.
My daughter, who is a couple weeks away from turning 9, rarely talks to people she doesn't know or rarely sees. Sometimes she won't talk to people she knows well if we haven't seen them for a while, or if the circumstances are uncomfortable for her. I've noticed that while sometimes people pose a question directly to a child, they often don't care much who answers, especially in casual situations, like running into someone at the store. They might say, "How are you today?" while looking at my daughter, but I can easily and happily answer, "We are great, thanks!" If they ask a direct question to my daughter, and I see that she is uncomfortable speaking, I'll answer for her, or ask her if she's like me to answer for her if it's likely that won't cause embarrassment. It depends on the situation.
>>What did you say/do to others when they talked to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?<<I might say, "She might not feel like talking right now," and carry on my own conversation by changing the topic or asking a question myself. In my experience, the best thing for us has been for me to not get emotionally worked up over her lack of interest in talking. If I am calm and happy, and don't feel stressed or worried about her actions, she can sense that. There is no added pressure for her when I am happy about who she is.
In the past several years I've observed that she will speak to all sorts of people she doesn't know, depending upon the situation. She will now strike up conversation with those we haven't seen in a while if she is truly interested in what they've been up to.
>>How else can I think about this in order to best support my child?<<Support your child by loving who he is and letting him know that you are happy to answer for him if he'd like, and that it's okay for him to not talk to people when he doesn't feel like it.
plaidpanties666
An idea I came across when Mo was still very young was that some people learn about people and social situations by watching more than interacting, while others jump right in. So if your child is a "watcher" in that sense, the best thing you can do is set him or her up to observe social situations without interacting. That's been fantasitically helpful for Mo - and fo me, too! I realized that I prefer to watch before jumping in, but because I was never allowed to do that as a child I had to sort of give myself permission to Look at people and observe them.
Mo needs more than just time to watch, she needs to sort of aclimate, and to do that it helps a lot for her to have a tool. When she was younger a portable DVD player helped a lot, and now the laptop or a portable game works well for her, and sometimes a book. It means that I, as a parent, end up dealing with some strange looks - I have the kid other adults complain about, the one who won't look up from her book or electronics at the park or in the woods. Given time, she does look up and will even go and strike up conversations with complete strangers (and if you have a shy child you can probably imagine my happy dance - she Talks to People!). I let people know she needs some time and make sure no-one tries to hassle her.
If an adult seems too pushy, I'll run some interference - again, answer questions For Mo, but also actively suggest Mo go somewhere or do something that takes her away from the pushy person, generally in my company, like "lets go look at the ducks" or "shall we go get the backpack out of the car?" But some adults aren't pushy - they'll see her pull back and be gracious about it, let her know its okay if she doesn't talk to them. Those are the people she's more likely to talk with later ;)
---Meredith
Mo needs more than just time to watch, she needs to sort of aclimate, and to do that it helps a lot for her to have a tool. When she was younger a portable DVD player helped a lot, and now the laptop or a portable game works well for her, and sometimes a book. It means that I, as a parent, end up dealing with some strange looks - I have the kid other adults complain about, the one who won't look up from her book or electronics at the park or in the woods. Given time, she does look up and will even go and strike up conversations with complete strangers (and if you have a shy child you can probably imagine my happy dance - she Talks to People!). I let people know she needs some time and make sure no-one tries to hassle her.
>> I cringe aI think I know what you mean. The thing is, Mo has much better social skills than I did at the same age, much better than shy school kids. She's just not outgoing most of the time. What she is is an impressive judge of character. She's good at knowing who to trust and when - even knowing when someone she likes is in a bad mood and needs some space. Given the chance to observe and take in the details, she picks up more subtle cues.
> little when I hear stories of how much "better socialized" or "more
> social" homeschoolers are than schooled children.
> What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when peopleIt depends on the situation. I'll answer for Mo in a situation where politeness is called for. As she's gotten older, she's better able to make polite social noise, but it depends on the situation a lot - in a busy, noisy space for instance she's easily overwhelmed.
> talked to him or her?
If an adult seems too pushy, I'll run some interference - again, answer questions For Mo, but also actively suggest Mo go somewhere or do something that takes her away from the pushy person, generally in my company, like "lets go look at the ducks" or "shall we go get the backpack out of the car?" But some adults aren't pushy - they'll see her pull back and be gracious about it, let her know its okay if she doesn't talk to them. Those are the people she's more likely to talk with later ;)
>>Around what age did your child become moreMo's going to be 10 in August, and she's gotten significantly more social in the last two years. She's still Not very outgoing! But she's started striking up conversations with adults - not all adults, but when she does she's very charming and personable. She also wants to be more social now - for awhile if we had company or had an outting, she'd need several days to recover, even if she had a great time. Now she's ready to be out and about more and we're shifting gears, trying to make that happen as much as she'd like.
> relaxed about it, if ever?
>What did you do that helped them fosterMo has friends who are adults as well as some who are children. With kid-friends it has been important to make sure she doesn't "burn out" on too much sociability - especially with one particular friend who is veeerrrry outgoing! That's brought up different issues because I haven't wanted the other girl's feelings to be hurt - fortunately she's very talkative so we've been able to talk about introverts and extraverts and why Mo needs to go hide now and then. With her adult friends, the main thing has been to honor those friendships as friendships - not ever set the adult up as a babysitter or "in charge". Her adult friends come and play as friends, which means there's a parent on hand to deal with any issues that may come up, same as if the friend were another child.
> relationships with others?
---Meredith
maryann
First, I'm sorry for the terrible formatting. I don't know why that happened.
Thank you all so very much for your replies. I'm reading and thinking and feeling relieved already. I had been getting worried that I could/should be "doing" something to help the shyness, but I didn't know what.
The things you all are saying feel very right.
maryann
Thank you all so very much for your replies. I'm reading and thinking and feeling relieved already. I had been getting worried that I could/should be "doing" something to help the shyness, but I didn't know what.
The things you all are saying feel very right.
maryann
Sandra Dodd
-=-I wonder what I can do to help when we are actually in social
situations. I see the difference in my five year old from the
comfortable, talkative, fun, happy child that he is at home, to the
scared, nervous, anxious, clinging child he is when we are around
others, and I feel so bad for him. I want to help him to not feel
panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi."-=-
You're already doing something by not forcing him into a situation where he's separated from you.
-=-What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when people
talked to him or her? Around what age did your child become more
relaxed about it, if ever? What did you do that helped them foster
relationships with others?What did you say/do to others when they talked
to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?-=-
I would speak for them before they were ready to speak, and didn't press them to speak.
We had one friend who wouldn't even leave her mom's lap on her first visit, and stood touching her on the second visit. I think she was five. Lily Hankins. The third time she went and played, but if someone else would come over, I would speak for Lily, or Lily would stay in a side room until they left. We still know her and her more outgoing younger sister, but by the time Lily was mid-teens she started saving money and earning money for a service trip to south America (I don't remember the details) and went! I think she was 16 at the time of that trip, and when she was 18 she moved from New Mexico to Oregon to go to college, and got a job and stayed up there. Some of her younger years were spent in school, and she was happier out of school than in, but the shyness was overcome by Lily in her own way, gradually, with the support of people who loved her anyway.
-=-How else can I think about this in order to best support my child?-=-
I don't think you should measure and count and hope for change, but rather help make him comfortable in the moment where he is.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
situations. I see the difference in my five year old from the
comfortable, talkative, fun, happy child that he is at home, to the
scared, nervous, anxious, clinging child he is when we are around
others, and I feel so bad for him. I want to help him to not feel
panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi."-=-
You're already doing something by not forcing him into a situation where he's separated from you.
-=-What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when people
talked to him or her? Around what age did your child become more
relaxed about it, if ever? What did you do that helped them foster
relationships with others?What did you say/do to others when they talked
to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?-=-
I would speak for them before they were ready to speak, and didn't press them to speak.
We had one friend who wouldn't even leave her mom's lap on her first visit, and stood touching her on the second visit. I think she was five. Lily Hankins. The third time she went and played, but if someone else would come over, I would speak for Lily, or Lily would stay in a side room until they left. We still know her and her more outgoing younger sister, but by the time Lily was mid-teens she started saving money and earning money for a service trip to south America (I don't remember the details) and went! I think she was 16 at the time of that trip, and when she was 18 she moved from New Mexico to Oregon to go to college, and got a job and stayed up there. Some of her younger years were spent in school, and she was happier out of school than in, but the shyness was overcome by Lily in her own way, gradually, with the support of people who loved her anyway.
-=-How else can I think about this in order to best support my child?-=-
I don't think you should measure and count and hope for change, but rather help make him comfortable in the moment where he is.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nycartgal2003
**She also wants to be more social now - for awhile if we
had company or had an outting, she'd need several days to recover, even if she
had a great time. Now she's ready to be out and about more and we're shifting
gears, trying to make that happen as much as she'd like.**
You mention that Mo is ready to be out more, does that mean that before, she did not want to go outside?
I ask this because Logan rarely wants to leave our house. It's been at least 2 years (he's 4.5). If we are going to a store where he can get a toy, going to the movies, or to visit his cousin, he's all for it, but if we want to go to the park or playground, he'll say No. We all have fun when we do go out. We offer all kinds of options, the zoo, just exploring anywhere in the city, chillrens museum, seeing dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum.
He is happy and active at home, but being in the house all day is hard on my husband and I, especially now that the spring is here.
My husband has been working lots of overtime, so there are 15 hour days where I am inside. Even when Paul is home and I want to go out by myself, Logan will get very upset and not want me to go.
I don't want to push Logan to go out if he does not want to, any ideas?
Thanks,
Meeyl
had company or had an outting, she'd need several days to recover, even if she
had a great time. Now she's ready to be out and about more and we're shifting
gears, trying to make that happen as much as she'd like.**
You mention that Mo is ready to be out more, does that mean that before, she did not want to go outside?
I ask this because Logan rarely wants to leave our house. It's been at least 2 years (he's 4.5). If we are going to a store where he can get a toy, going to the movies, or to visit his cousin, he's all for it, but if we want to go to the park or playground, he'll say No. We all have fun when we do go out. We offer all kinds of options, the zoo, just exploring anywhere in the city, chillrens museum, seeing dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum.
He is happy and active at home, but being in the house all day is hard on my husband and I, especially now that the spring is here.
My husband has been working lots of overtime, so there are 15 hour days where I am inside. Even when Paul is home and I want to go out by myself, Logan will get very upset and not want me to go.
I don't want to push Logan to go out if he does not want to, any ideas?
Thanks,
Meeyl
plaidpanties666
"nycartgal2003" <mranzer@...> wrote:
Mo was much like that for awhile, although since we live in the country, purely "going outside" doesn't involve dealing with people. She can go outside and play by herself for hours if she likes, and sometimes does, but she's very much a homebody. If you live in an urban area, then "going out" means dealing with people to some degree.
I think one of the differences between extraverts and introverts is that introverts don't often go out *primarily* to socialize. Going to the store is a social activity, but that's not the goal, for instance. Having a goal or a focus helps Mo deal with other people, even now.
Lately we've started going to the local SCA fighter practice, for example, and Mo is enjoying that. It's obviously stressful for her to deal with the lady who runs the rapier "class" for kids, but she's pushing herself to the very limits of her comfort zone because she values the goal - she likes sword fighting! She's not as interested in yoga or martial arts classes, even when she likes the teachers better, because the subject material doesn't excite her as much - but I know other kids who are far more interested in those kinds of classes for the social outlet than the content.
What aspects of "going out" are you craving? Can you bring those into the home? For instance, if you're craving nature, get more plants, start a container garden, get a fish tank.... do things to bring the natural world into your home. If you're the one wanting to visit art museums, bring more art into the home. Bring more interest and variety into the home For You so you're not going stir-crazy.
If you're craving more social opportunities, that's harder - can you get "enough" by going on trips to the store, going out to buy icecream or something similar? Use the trips Logan feels good about to meet some of your own needs, too.
Will he go someplace like a coffee-shop if you bring a movie or game for him? That's something we've done with Mo, we found a small town eattery with some amazing chocolate cake and we'll go out and hang out - George will dig through the recycling and find all the crossword puzzles and I'll knit and people-watch while Mo plays a computer game on the laptop.
---Meredith
>> > I ask this because Logan rarely wants to leave our house. It's been at least 2 years (he's 4.5). If we are going to a store where he can get a toy, going to the movies, or to visit his cousin, he's all for it, but if we want to go to the park or playground, he'll say No.*****************
Mo was much like that for awhile, although since we live in the country, purely "going outside" doesn't involve dealing with people. She can go outside and play by herself for hours if she likes, and sometimes does, but she's very much a homebody. If you live in an urban area, then "going out" means dealing with people to some degree.
I think one of the differences between extraverts and introverts is that introverts don't often go out *primarily* to socialize. Going to the store is a social activity, but that's not the goal, for instance. Having a goal or a focus helps Mo deal with other people, even now.
Lately we've started going to the local SCA fighter practice, for example, and Mo is enjoying that. It's obviously stressful for her to deal with the lady who runs the rapier "class" for kids, but she's pushing herself to the very limits of her comfort zone because she values the goal - she likes sword fighting! She's not as interested in yoga or martial arts classes, even when she likes the teachers better, because the subject material doesn't excite her as much - but I know other kids who are far more interested in those kinds of classes for the social outlet than the content.
>>> My husband has been working lots of overtime, so there are 15 hour days where I am inside. Even when Paul is home and I want to go out by myself, Logan will get very upset and not want me to go.*******************
>
> I don't want to push Logan to go out if he does not want to, any ideas?
What aspects of "going out" are you craving? Can you bring those into the home? For instance, if you're craving nature, get more plants, start a container garden, get a fish tank.... do things to bring the natural world into your home. If you're the one wanting to visit art museums, bring more art into the home. Bring more interest and variety into the home For You so you're not going stir-crazy.
If you're craving more social opportunities, that's harder - can you get "enough" by going on trips to the store, going out to buy icecream or something similar? Use the trips Logan feels good about to meet some of your own needs, too.
Will he go someplace like a coffee-shop if you bring a movie or game for him? That's something we've done with Mo, we found a small town eattery with some amazing chocolate cake and we'll go out and hang out - George will dig through the recycling and find all the crossword puzzles and I'll knit and people-watch while Mo plays a computer game on the laptop.
---Meredith
heidihaghighi
>>>> I want to help him to not feelMy daughter, who is 2, has hidden from people she doesn't know ever since she was about 8 months old (although she is rapidly becoming more confident with meeting people). Like you, I felt like I should help her to not want to hide. It took some time for me to realize that she is sensitive to meeting people and hiding makes her feel safe. It is ok for her to hide because someone said "hi"
> panicked and want to hide because someone said "Hi.">>>
>>>I know the non-unschooling advice on shyness very well, but I'm hoping some moreI told her that it is ok to not want to look at someone or to talk to them, and that she can cover her eyes if she does not want to see them. That tool helped her to not feel panicked, especially when she was in a stroller or standing away from me. When she hides behind my leg, or against me I hold her head gently and stroke her hair to give the message that I am here, I know what is going on, and it is OK to not look or engage.
> of you here who've had a shy child will share your experience.
> What did you do that helped your child feel more relaxed when people
> talked to him or her?
>>>>Around what age did your child become moreI never ask her to say hi or to answer someone's question. I answer for her when she does not want to herself, or sometimes when necessary I simply say, "she does not want to talk right now". She is becoming relaxed about it now, in the past 2 weeks or so. She might not always feel this social and if she changes her mind I will still gladly offer my legs for a hiding place. If you provide physical and emotional safety with no expectation for him to change and become outgoing, your son will probably not have a reason to feel panicked.
> relaxed about it, if ever? What did you do that helped them foster
> relationships with others?What did you say/do to others when they talked
> to your child and s/he hid or otherwise didn't respond?>>>
maryann
>>>>>>>If you provide physical and emotional safety with no expectation for him to change and become outgoing, your son will probably not have a reason to feel panicked.Thank you for your thoughts. This stood out to me, and I'm trying to figure out why.
>>>>>>>
When I first read it, I felt a bit defensive, as if you were saying that the reason my son feels panicked when people talk to him is because I am not providing physical and emotional safety for him and expecting him to change and become outgoing.
I think he feels panicked because it's his personality to not like people getting too close and talking to him or touching him. And my husband and/or I have always been with him, and never tried to make him be more outgoing. We answer for him when people talk to him, don't force him into situations with others without us, etc.
BUT.
It occurs to me that your words stood out to me because that idea is JUST what is bothering me right now....I think the same as you, that if I'm providing safety, then he would have no reason to panic. So when my son gets panicked, I reassure him. I support him. I pat his back as he hides his face in my body. And as he continues to panic, I feel like, "Hey! I'm right here! You're safe! I'm protecting you. No reason to panic!"
When my son gets shy and panics and I provide the safest of physical and emotional safety I can provide, and he continues to panic, it feels like he's telling me (because of my belief as above) that I'm not providing enough physical and emotional safety for him. THAT, I think now, is what may be bothering me the most. It's not that I want him to become outgoing before he's ready. It's that I want him to be more comforted by my support than he is. It's that I want him to respond to my support with calm and comfort so that I can feel like I'm adequately providing support.
I don't like the idea that I can't provide exactly as much support as my son needs in any given moment. :(
But.
I'm hoping it's my THINKING about this that's really the issue. If some other mindful parents have children who panic when others talk to them even with the support of their unschooling parents, then maybe my problem is that I'm expecting to be able to "support" him into "not having a reason to panic". Maybe there ARE some children who are so very bothered by the attention of unfamiliar people that enough support cannot be provided to help them feel calm?
If there is more I can do, I really, really want to do it.
If it's my thinking that's the issue, I really, really want to think about it differently.
It helped alot to hear that there are some others here who have similar children who have gotten older and become more comfortable on their own. I'm still thinking alot about this.
Thanks,
maryann
Sandra Dodd
-=-I don't like the idea that I can't provide exactly as much support as my son needs in any given moment. :(-=-
If you offer as much as you can, and he has the option to use that in whichever way he wants, that seems optimal. You can't be who you're not any more than he can be, but if you can be sympathetic and not try to change him so much as attempt to make him feel comfortable and not pushed, what could be better than that?
Sandra
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If you offer as much as you can, and he has the option to use that in whichever way he wants, that seems optimal. You can't be who you're not any more than he can be, but if you can be sympathetic and not try to change him so much as attempt to make him feel comfortable and not pushed, what could be better than that?
Sandra
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Joyce Fetteroll
On Jun 5, 2011, at 10:01 AM, maryann wrote:
I know snake phobic people who won't go into the reptile house at the
zoo even though the snakes are safely behind glass and there's zero
probability that they can get out. (As long as Harry Potter isn't
there! ;-)
What you can be is sympathetic, understanding and a comfortable nest
for him to retreat to. But until the people are outside his personal
space, he can't be at ease.
Joyce
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> When my son gets shy and panics and I provide the safest of physicalYou're not making the people go away! ;-)
> and emotional safety I can provide, and he continues to panic, it
> feels like he's telling me (because of my belief as above) that I'm
> not providing enough physical and emotional safety for him.
I know snake phobic people who won't go into the reptile house at the
zoo even though the snakes are safely behind glass and there's zero
probability that they can get out. (As long as Harry Potter isn't
there! ;-)
What you can be is sympathetic, understanding and a comfortable nest
for him to retreat to. But until the people are outside his personal
space, he can't be at ease.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
maryann
Thank you Sandra and Joyce! I'm feeling understood by you all.
For example...
When people talk to my son, many times he wants me to pick him up and hold him and carry him while he buries his face in me. This is getting nearly impossible because he's getting so big, as I'm often already holding his little sister on my other hip. (So unfair, I know.) I wish I could hold him whenever he wants me to. I've been getting frustrated. You are right--this is a matter of me "not being able to be who I'm not". Unfortunately, I'm not someone who can manage to stand and hold both my children at these sizes for long, very often. But my 5 yo probably does feel pushed the times when someone talks to him and he starts pawing at me, pleading "Pick me up, mama! Hold me!" and I try to comfort him without picking him up, redirect us to something else, ask him to have daddy hold him, ask the baby to go to daddy, etc.
We do accommodate him, though, by doing errands when he can stay home with one of us if he doesn't want to go, and by planning things to do that he will enjoy that don't involve people getting into his space as much.
I just want to know I'm doing the best I can, especially since my son doesn't give me the impression that I'm doing enough when we're in these situations. I'm going to brainstorm with him about how to work around MY limitations.
Thanks for all the help thinking about this. I'm reassured, and still thinking.
maryann
>>>>>> You can't be who you're not any more than he can be, but if you can be sympathetic and not try to change him so much as attempt to make him feel comfortable and not pushed, what could be better than that?I needed to hear this.
>>>>>>>
For example...
When people talk to my son, many times he wants me to pick him up and hold him and carry him while he buries his face in me. This is getting nearly impossible because he's getting so big, as I'm often already holding his little sister on my other hip. (So unfair, I know.) I wish I could hold him whenever he wants me to. I've been getting frustrated. You are right--this is a matter of me "not being able to be who I'm not". Unfortunately, I'm not someone who can manage to stand and hold both my children at these sizes for long, very often. But my 5 yo probably does feel pushed the times when someone talks to him and he starts pawing at me, pleading "Pick me up, mama! Hold me!" and I try to comfort him without picking him up, redirect us to something else, ask him to have daddy hold him, ask the baby to go to daddy, etc.
>>>>>>>>You're not making the people go away! ;-)EXACTLY!!!! :)
>>>>>>>>
We do accommodate him, though, by doing errands when he can stay home with one of us if he doesn't want to go, and by planning things to do that he will enjoy that don't involve people getting into his space as much.
I just want to know I'm doing the best I can, especially since my son doesn't give me the impression that I'm doing enough when we're in these situations. I'm going to brainstorm with him about how to work around MY limitations.
Thanks for all the help thinking about this. I'm reassured, and still thinking.
maryann
plaidpanties666
"maryann" <maryannh@...> wrote:
Since you can't pick him up, it could help to have some other way to "sheild" him - like wrapping him up in a shawl or corner of a coat you're wearing. That could give him the sense of privacy and the sense of comfort at the same time. It might also help for him to have something in his hands that he can put in front of his face - a book, a toy, a portable game, kind of a combination "security object" and sheild as it were.
---Meredith
>> my 5 yo probably does feel pushed the times when someone talks to him and he starts pawing at me, pleading "Pick me up, mama! Hold me!" and I try to comfort him without picking him up****************
Since you can't pick him up, it could help to have some other way to "sheild" him - like wrapping him up in a shawl or corner of a coat you're wearing. That could give him the sense of privacy and the sense of comfort at the same time. It might also help for him to have something in his hands that he can put in front of his face - a book, a toy, a portable game, kind of a combination "security object" and sheild as it were.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=Since you can't pick him up, it could help to have some other way to "sheild" him - like wrapping him up in a shawl or corner of a coat you're wearing. That could give him the sense of privacy and the sense of comfort at the same time. -=-
Wear a long skirt! :-)
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Wear a long skirt! :-)
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Pam Sorooshian
Sam Fuller turned 17 years old yesterday, the same day his own radio
segment appeared on the National Public Radio show, "All Things
Considered." It was aired as the final segment of the show and is about
5 minutes long. It is now online and you can read or listen to it. There
are a lot of really lame comments - more thoughtful responses from
unschoolers would be highly appreciated by Sam, I'm sure.
Sandra has saved the information here:
<http://unschooling.blogspot.com/2011/06/unschooled-on-national-public-radio.html>
-Pam
segment appeared on the National Public Radio show, "All Things
Considered." It was aired as the final segment of the show and is about
5 minutes long. It is now online and you can read or listen to it. There
are a lot of really lame comments - more thoughtful responses from
unschoolers would be highly appreciated by Sam, I'm sure.
Sandra has saved the information here:
<http://unschooling.blogspot.com/2011/06/unschooled-on-national-public-radio.html>
-Pam