Being present
keeliereader
Hello,
Since I have been reading about unschooling and working on my relationship with my son a few things have become apparent to me and I feel stuck. My son is almost 3 yrs old.
Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.
Fast forward a few months and a process of counselling due to some issues with my partner (who is the father of my son) and I now realise that I really struggle with being present. I probably have done for most of my life but found it easier to distract/comfort myself before having a child with the pursuit of pleasure - drinking, smoking, going out, travelling etc. I am a person who likes to get absorbed in a task and can do it to the exclusion of everything else, but equally I am easily distracted, especially when I have a lot of things on my 'to do' list. When I try and sit with myself and my feelings, I start to feel terrible and before I know it my mind has wandered off and I'm thinking about something else.
I struggle to prioritise spending time with my son -like sitting and watching TV or playing because I tend to think of all the other things I could or should be doing that seem somehow more valuable. I am managing little pockets of time being physically with him but I'm not always that present. When I look at the way I was raised there are clear parallels with my own mother. I am replicating a lot of her behaviour and I really don't want to, but I find it hard to do otherwise.
When I read the links on being present and mindful it makes total sense and I think 'yes, I can do that'. But actually I can't. I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!
Thanks,
Keelie
Since I have been reading about unschooling and working on my relationship with my son a few things have become apparent to me and I feel stuck. My son is almost 3 yrs old.
Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.
Fast forward a few months and a process of counselling due to some issues with my partner (who is the father of my son) and I now realise that I really struggle with being present. I probably have done for most of my life but found it easier to distract/comfort myself before having a child with the pursuit of pleasure - drinking, smoking, going out, travelling etc. I am a person who likes to get absorbed in a task and can do it to the exclusion of everything else, but equally I am easily distracted, especially when I have a lot of things on my 'to do' list. When I try and sit with myself and my feelings, I start to feel terrible and before I know it my mind has wandered off and I'm thinking about something else.
I struggle to prioritise spending time with my son -like sitting and watching TV or playing because I tend to think of all the other things I could or should be doing that seem somehow more valuable. I am managing little pockets of time being physically with him but I'm not always that present. When I look at the way I was raised there are clear parallels with my own mother. I am replicating a lot of her behaviour and I really don't want to, but I find it hard to do otherwise.
When I read the links on being present and mindful it makes total sense and I think 'yes, I can do that'. But actually I can't. I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!
Thanks,
Keelie
Sarah
Well, ultimately it does come down to just doing it, but off the top of my head, some baby steps.
- don't start by forcing yourself to be with him through the activities you enjoy least, start with stuff you both enjoy and the connections you make will help you with the harder stuff later... Or maybe it won't seem hard anymore
- try inviting him to join you in things you want to do, and keep him at the centre of the activity, don't end up doing it yourself with him watching. I don't know what you like, but if it is a housework to-do list that's distracting you then most three year-olds enjoy loading washing machines and pressing the buttons, for example
- get out of the house where you can't see the tasks you haven't done, take his favourite toy to the park for example
- put some music on while you play with him- I find it helps suspend the list-making bit of my brain
I often found it overwhelming at that age just how much they seemed to need, but I was surprised how fast they could fill up their cup and want to run off to do something on their own, if I'd been really sincerely with them for a while. And then I was able to do the washing up quite easily. You might find you'll end up with more time if you concentrate on one thing at a time.
Sarah
(my boys are nearly 6, nearly 4 and 7 months)
I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!
- don't start by forcing yourself to be with him through the activities you enjoy least, start with stuff you both enjoy and the connections you make will help you with the harder stuff later... Or maybe it won't seem hard anymore
- try inviting him to join you in things you want to do, and keep him at the centre of the activity, don't end up doing it yourself with him watching. I don't know what you like, but if it is a housework to-do list that's distracting you then most three year-olds enjoy loading washing machines and pressing the buttons, for example
- get out of the house where you can't see the tasks you haven't done, take his favourite toy to the park for example
- put some music on while you play with him- I find it helps suspend the list-making bit of my brain
I often found it overwhelming at that age just how much they seemed to need, but I was surprised how fast they could fill up their cup and want to run off to do something on their own, if I'd been really sincerely with them for a while. And then I was able to do the washing up quite easily. You might find you'll end up with more time if you concentrate on one thing at a time.
Sarah
(my boys are nearly 6, nearly 4 and 7 months)
I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!
>
> Thanks,
> Keelie
>
Claire
I have watched a close friend of mine distract herself from the big issues in her life for the past ten years. We've had conversation after conversation about how she could start to deal with things, but it never leads to action. Now she's 38, in a dead-end relationship with a man who's just had a vastectomy, and wondering if she wants kids, and if so, how on earth she could make it happen. A big mess that's only gotten worse over the past decade, and now with major life consequences. She often says that she likes to keep busy so she doesn't have time to think, and when she does find herself in a quiet moment she's in tears of despair at how unhappy she is.
It is very difficult, very confronting, to face up to our deepest problems, things that could stretch back to our own childhoods. But without that willingness to face and overcome our problems, it's very likely that we will end up repeating the same behaviours, and, unfortunately, passing those problems on to our kids.
In my case, I struggled all my life with feelings of worthlessness, until in a breakthrough moment I fully grasped that I am not worthless, that I am a worthwhile person, and that I will pull out all stops to preserve my kids' sense of self-worth undamaged. And what that means on a day-to-day level is playing with them - sitting down on the floor and playing horses, fetching props and scissors, paper etc, making up stories, and so on. There are times when I am not fully concentrating, when I am waiting for a chance to duck off and do one of the housework jobs, but when I am really participating and having fun with them, it is wonderful for so many reasons. My kids feel loved, they feel that I want to be with them. Our shared experiences create strong bonds of understanding, and a continuity in the fabric of our lives. And I feel like I am doing a good job of being their mum, my confidence grows, and my ability to deal with all sorts of daily situations improves.
Keelie, in your case I would suggest that you gather your courage and squarely face the 'big stuff' (you mentioned your partner and your mother), but also on a day-to-day level, think about how precious your son is, how fleeting his childhood is, how brilliant it would be to build a really strong, connected relationship with him. Housework can still be done, but perhaps in a more piecemeal fashion, or by making it a game that your son can join in. And, by playing with him, trying to see the world through his eyes, you get a second chance at childhood wonder, which is so soothing to a jaded and weary soul.
Claire
It is very difficult, very confronting, to face up to our deepest problems, things that could stretch back to our own childhoods. But without that willingness to face and overcome our problems, it's very likely that we will end up repeating the same behaviours, and, unfortunately, passing those problems on to our kids.
In my case, I struggled all my life with feelings of worthlessness, until in a breakthrough moment I fully grasped that I am not worthless, that I am a worthwhile person, and that I will pull out all stops to preserve my kids' sense of self-worth undamaged. And what that means on a day-to-day level is playing with them - sitting down on the floor and playing horses, fetching props and scissors, paper etc, making up stories, and so on. There are times when I am not fully concentrating, when I am waiting for a chance to duck off and do one of the housework jobs, but when I am really participating and having fun with them, it is wonderful for so many reasons. My kids feel loved, they feel that I want to be with them. Our shared experiences create strong bonds of understanding, and a continuity in the fabric of our lives. And I feel like I am doing a good job of being their mum, my confidence grows, and my ability to deal with all sorts of daily situations improves.
Keelie, in your case I would suggest that you gather your courage and squarely face the 'big stuff' (you mentioned your partner and your mother), but also on a day-to-day level, think about how precious your son is, how fleeting his childhood is, how brilliant it would be to build a really strong, connected relationship with him. Housework can still be done, but perhaps in a more piecemeal fashion, or by making it a game that your son can join in. And, by playing with him, trying to see the world through his eyes, you get a second chance at childhood wonder, which is so soothing to a jaded and weary soul.
Claire
--- In [email protected], "keeliereader" <keeliebean@...> wrote:
>
> Hello,
>
> Since I have been reading about unschooling and working on my relationship with my son a few things have become apparent to me and I feel stuck. My son is almost 3 yrs old.
>
> Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.
>
> Fast forward a few months and a process of counselling due to some issues with my partner (who is the father of my son) and I now realise that I really struggle with being present. I probably have done for most of my life but found it easier to distract/comfort myself before having a child with the pursuit of pleasure - drinking, smoking, going out, travelling etc. I am a person who likes to get absorbed in a task and can do it to the exclusion of everything else, but equally I am easily distracted, especially when I have a lot of things on my 'to do' list. When I try and sit with myself and my feelings, I start to feel terrible and before I know it my mind has wandered off and I'm thinking about something else.
>
> I struggle to prioritise spending time with my son -like sitting and watching TV or playing because I tend to think of all the other things I could or should be doing that seem somehow more valuable. I am managing little pockets of time being physically with him but I'm not always that present. When I look at the way I was raised there are clear parallels with my own mother. I am replicating a lot of her behaviour and I really don't want to, but I find it hard to do otherwise.
>
> When I read the links on being present and mindful it makes total sense and I think 'yes, I can do that'. But actually I can't. I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!
>
> Thanks,
> Keelie
>
Sandra Dodd
-=- I am a person who likes to get absorbed in a task and can do it to the exclusion of everything else, but equally I am easily distracted, especially when I have a lot of things on my 'to do' list. When I try and sit with myself and my feelings, I start to feel terrible and before I know it my mind has wandered off and I'm thinking about something else. -=-
Don't sit with yourself and your feelings.
Sit with your son and his feelings.
-=When I read the links on being present and mindful it makes total sense and I think 'yes, I can do that'. But actually I can't. I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!-=-
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
You could practice this while being with your son, maybe.
-=-Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.-=-
Maybe surf for things the two of you would enjoy together.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Don't sit with yourself and your feelings.
Sit with your son and his feelings.
-=When I read the links on being present and mindful it makes total sense and I think 'yes, I can do that'. But actually I can't. I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!-=-
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
You could practice this while being with your son, maybe.
-=-Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.-=-
Maybe surf for things the two of you would enjoy together.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-when I am really participating and having fun with them, it is wonderful for so many reasons.-=-
I've seen in my life and others' that being the best mom I could be, even a few moments a day, helped my own sense of sorrow about childhood issues, and made me feel successful.
-=-It is very difficult, very confronting, to face up to our deepest problems, things that could stretch back to our own childhoods. But without that willingness to face and overcome our problems, it's very likely that we will end up repeating the same behaviours, and, unfortunately, passing those problems on to our kids.-=-
I think the childhood hurts can be looked at piecemeal, too, as the mom responds to her child with thoughts of the way she wishes people had responded to her, when she was that age.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've seen in my life and others' that being the best mom I could be, even a few moments a day, helped my own sense of sorrow about childhood issues, and made me feel successful.
-=-It is very difficult, very confronting, to face up to our deepest problems, things that could stretch back to our own childhoods. But without that willingness to face and overcome our problems, it's very likely that we will end up repeating the same behaviours, and, unfortunately, passing those problems on to our kids.-=-
I think the childhood hurts can be looked at piecemeal, too, as the mom responds to her child with thoughts of the way she wishes people had responded to her, when she was that age.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"keeliereader" <keeliebean@...> wrote:
I wonder if you're imagining "present" as being some special super-aware, super-engaged state? Now and then a child needs a whole lot of that, but more often kids just need normal sorts of attention - think "available" rather than "present" maybe. If you're "available" both physically (in the same room) and emotionally (responding to smiles, questions, touches and offering some of those, too) then your child will let you know when he needs more than that.
If you're used to tuning him out, work on being more available even if what that means right away is something as simple as brining your projects into his space or setting up more fun kid-stuff in your space (assuming you have a house with that much space ;)).
Sometimes "siting with feelings" is more like wallowing than any kind of healthy self-reflection and then its not such a good thing to do. If you want to get in touch with your feelings more, it could be better for you to notice them in passing rather than trying to "sit with" them. Knowing you're a little grumpy can be helpful in terms of making better choices. Sitting around in grumpiness can bog you down and make it harder to think clearly.
Small steps forward are still steps forward! Replicating "a lot" of your mother isn't the same as being your mother. You get to be someone else, a different mother.
If you can think of a time when you're defaulting to a behavior you don't like, try to think of an alternative - I mean right now, or at least outside of the moment when you're defaulting. It's much harder to come up with alternatives in the moment, but if you come up with an idea "for next time" that gives you a choice. You can stop and choose to do something different.
---Meredith
>I am managing little pockets of time being physically with him but I'm not always that present.***************
I wonder if you're imagining "present" as being some special super-aware, super-engaged state? Now and then a child needs a whole lot of that, but more often kids just need normal sorts of attention - think "available" rather than "present" maybe. If you're "available" both physically (in the same room) and emotionally (responding to smiles, questions, touches and offering some of those, too) then your child will let you know when he needs more than that.
If you're used to tuning him out, work on being more available even if what that means right away is something as simple as brining your projects into his space or setting up more fun kid-stuff in your space (assuming you have a house with that much space ;)).
>> When I try and sit with myself and my feelings, I start to feel terrible...**************
Sometimes "siting with feelings" is more like wallowing than any kind of healthy self-reflection and then its not such a good thing to do. If you want to get in touch with your feelings more, it could be better for you to notice them in passing rather than trying to "sit with" them. Knowing you're a little grumpy can be helpful in terms of making better choices. Sitting around in grumpiness can bog you down and make it harder to think clearly.
>> I am replicating a lot of her behaviour and I really don't want to, but I find it hard to do otherwise.***************
Small steps forward are still steps forward! Replicating "a lot" of your mother isn't the same as being your mother. You get to be someone else, a different mother.
If you can think of a time when you're defaulting to a behavior you don't like, try to think of an alternative - I mean right now, or at least outside of the moment when you're defaulting. It's much harder to come up with alternatives in the moment, but if you come up with an idea "for next time" that gives you a choice. You can stop and choose to do something different.
---Meredith
otherstar
From: plaidpanties666
Sent: Friday, May 06, 2011 10:44 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Being present
The smallish house works to my advantage for being present for my kids because I can call out to them from any room in the house without too much trouble. Even when my kids are engrossed in their own games, I make it a point to check in with them and see what they are playing or how their game is going. Sometimes, I call out to them just to say I love you. It's really sweet because they have started doing the same to me. My 6 year old will run up to me and say "Mom, mom, mom" in a rather urgent voice. When I say, "What?", she will grin and say, "I love you."
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sent: Friday, May 06, 2011 10:44 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Being present
>>>If you're used to tuning him out, work on being more available even if what that means right away is something as simple as brining your projects into his space or setting up more fun kid-stuff in your space (assuming you have a house with that much space ;)).<<<I have a smallish house and have set up our living room to be one giant playroom/computer room/TV space. My 9 year old spends a lot of time on the computer so I have two computers set up next to each other. I can be on the computer working while my daughter is next to me. Having her next to me allows me to stop occasionally and stroke her hair and tell her I love her. I can occasionally look over and ask her what is going on in her game. It also allows her to say, "hey mom, check this out" if she gets something really cool in her game. Having the toys and TV in the same space allows my younger kids to be playing around us so that I can do the same with them. I can be on the floor with the 2 year old and 4 year old and not be too far away from my 9 year old. If my 6 year old wants to be next to her big sister, she can be there and they help each other with their games. If my 6 year old wants to play with the younger two, she can.
The smallish house works to my advantage for being present for my kids because I can call out to them from any room in the house without too much trouble. Even when my kids are engrossed in their own games, I make it a point to check in with them and see what they are playing or how their game is going. Sometimes, I call out to them just to say I love you. It's really sweet because they have started doing the same to me. My 6 year old will run up to me and say "Mom, mom, mom" in a rather urgent voice. When I say, "What?", she will grin and say, "I love you."
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
amylizkid1
>>>>But actually I can't<<<<Maybe start with getting that thought out of your head. You can.
When I find my mind wandering over to the other things I could be doing, I think, "What's more important? The dishes, or my daughter? The computer, or my daughter?" And so on. If it's thoughts about my life, and I notice, I stop and think - why is that more important than what my daughter is saying or doing? It's not.
It has taken me lots of work to get where I am, and at one time I really believe that I'm just the way I am and I cannot change. It's not true. You can always make better choices, even in what you're thinking about.
Also, I started getting up before my daughter, and that's the time I use to get my stuff done. Whatever isn't done by the time Emma gets up is moved to the next morning. That more than anything has helped me because I have the feeling that I've accomplished something, so I'm not thinking about it all day.
>>>>>I am a person who likes to get absorbed in a task and can do it to the exclusion of everything else<<<<<Can you use that? Can you get absorbed in raising your child?
--- In [email protected], "keeliereader" <keeliebean@...> wrote:
>
> Hello,
>
> Since I have been reading about unschooling and working on my relationship with my son a few things have become apparent to me and I feel stuck. My son is almost 3 yrs old.
>
> Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.
>
> Fast forward a few months and a process of counselling due to some issues with my partner (who is the father of my son) and I now realise that I really struggle with being present. I probably have done for most of my life but found it easier to distract/comfort myself before having a child with the pursuit of pleasure - drinking, smoking, going out, travelling etc. I am a person who likes to get absorbed in a task and can do it to the exclusion of everything else, but equally I am easily distracted, especially when I have a lot of things on my 'to do' list. When I try and sit with myself and my feelings, I start to feel terrible and before I know it my mind has wandered off and I'm thinking about something else.
>
> I struggle to prioritise spending time with my son -like sitting and watching TV or playing because I tend to think of all the other things I could or should be doing that seem somehow more valuable. I am managing little pockets of time being physically with him but I'm not always that present. When I look at the way I was raised there are clear parallels with my own mother. I am replicating a lot of her behaviour and I really don't want to, but I find it hard to do otherwise.
>
> When I read the links on being present and mindful it makes total sense and I think 'yes, I can do that'. But actually I can't. I guess what I'd like to know is whether others have gone through this and whether there are any tips or advice to help with this process of becoming more mindful - other than the obvious point of just doing it!
>
> Thanks,
> Keelie
>
Melissa Wiley
>I have a tendency to get lost in my thoughts, especially if I'm working on a
> ===When I find my mind wandering over to the other things I could be doing,
> I think, "What's more important? The dishes, or my daughter? The computer,
> or my daughter?" And so on. If it's thoughts about my life, and I notice, I
> stop and think - why is that more important than what my daughter is saying
> or doing? It's not.
> It has taken me lots of work to get where I am, and at one time I really
> believe that I'm just the way I am and I cannot change. It's not true. You
> can always make better choices, even in what you're thinking about.===
>
book or essay. This is something I realized about myself very early on as a
mother--sometimes I would be in the middle of playing a game with my toddler
and realize I'd drifted away, mentally, and was making autopilot responses
without being really tuned in. Many times when that happened, I would
actually be *thinking* about the sweet moment we were in the middle of, my
little girl and I, mentally narrating it the way I might write it down
later, instead of really engaging in the game, looking in my daughter's
eyes, smiling a real, present smile, living the moment.
I'm glad that in those early days I was reading unschooling chats on AOL,
where people like Sandra and Pam and others, whose kids were a bit older,
were talking about mindfulness. I worked on being more mindful, turning my
thoughts back to the thing that was happening *right now* rather than
thinking about the thing that had happened *a few minutes ago* which I might
want to write down *later*. I put those words in asterisks because for me it
has been very important to be aware of *where in time* my thoughts are
focused--past, future, or this moment right now?
It's good that I began thinking about thinking, and learning how to change
what I'm thinking about, when my oldest was a baby, because I have five more
kids now and lots more past, present, and future stuff to think about!
Giving my full attention to the present moment, the present person, still
takes mindfulness and effort---I don't mean effort in a bad or negative way,
not a draining-and-depleting kind of effort; I mean it's something I think
about and make choices about regularly, frequently, moment to moment.
There are other things about mindful parenting that come more automatically
to me, like knowing how to help kids work out conflicts. I think it's sort
of like driving a car--there are some parts of driving that, after decades
of experience, I can do automatically and seldom have to *think* about how
I'm doing them, like shifting gears or putting on a blinker. But I DO have
to *think about* and pay attention to things like making a left turn when
another car is coming. I'm not a great judge of distances and speed,
naturally. When there are other cars coming and I want to make a turn, I
have to look and think and focus in order to know when to turn safely. The
"looking and thinking and focusing" isn't a big deal, it isn't taxing, but
it does take more attention from me than, say, flicking on my blinker or
putting my foot on the brake to stop at a red light.
My husband has excellent depth perception and is a great judge of distances
and relative speed. He can make left turns without needing as much mental
focus on the task as I do. That part of driving comes more automatically to
him than it does to me--but that doesn't mean I'm not a good driver, or less
capable of making left turns. It simply means I have to think about left
turns with a different degree of attention than he does. Likewise, a natural
tendency to get lost in my own thoughts doesn't mean I *can't* pay attention
to the present moment, or be a good listener. After 15 years of practice,
I've learned lots of ways to focus my attention on the present moment, just
like I've learned how to make left turns. :) Some things that help me stay
'in the moment' are looking into my kids' eyes, smiling, fixing a snack for
us to share together, playing games like Mario Kart (it's awfully hard to
wander off in thoughts about the scene you're writing when you're dodging
banana peels and bombs) or Munchkin or Scrabble, singing, reading together,
watching movies, looking at family photos together.
When I'm playing with one of the younger ones--cars or Lego or dolls,
say--and I find my thoughts starting to drift away, often I'll remember
something Sandra wrote about smelling your child's hair. It's on the peace
page and the context is about staying calm and peaceful, but it applies to
being mindful and present, too:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/noisy
>It's true! The biochemical thing--that flood of sensory awareness--can
> "Smell your child's hair. They say dogs can smell fear, but moms can smell
> love, or something, when they smell the top of a young child's head.
> Something biochemical happens, and something intellectual can happen."
>
trigger an intellectual response, a choice, a decision to put other thoughts
(whether they are bad ones or good ones) aside at this moment and listen to
and smile at this amazing person you are with right now, this minute. And
then, afterward, you have something new and nice and happy to think about.
Lissa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Thanks for this, Lissa:
"It's true! The biochemical thing--that flood of sensory awareness--can
trigger an intellectual response, a choice, a decision to put other thoughts
(whether they are bad ones or good ones) aside at this moment and listen to
and smile at this amazing person you are with right now, this minute. And
then, afterward, you have something new and nice and happy to think about."
Being a good parent makes someone a better person. I don't know whether it should be credited to previous years of parenting, or school, or what, but some parents do just enough to get buy--just enough to keep social services away, or just enough to keep from getting criticism from their neighbors and relatives. But unschooling involves very direct, involved, individualized, aware parenting, and when someone knows what that feels like, it's easy to induce the feeling again and again, until it is so natural that the lack of it feels wrong.
I added some of Lissa's post to the page she had linked:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/noisy
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"It's true! The biochemical thing--that flood of sensory awareness--can
trigger an intellectual response, a choice, a decision to put other thoughts
(whether they are bad ones or good ones) aside at this moment and listen to
and smile at this amazing person you are with right now, this minute. And
then, afterward, you have something new and nice and happy to think about."
Being a good parent makes someone a better person. I don't know whether it should be credited to previous years of parenting, or school, or what, but some parents do just enough to get buy--just enough to keep social services away, or just enough to keep from getting criticism from their neighbors and relatives. But unschooling involves very direct, involved, individualized, aware parenting, and when someone knows what that feels like, it's easy to induce the feeling again and again, until it is so natural that the lack of it feels wrong.
I added some of Lissa's post to the page she had linked:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/noisy
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
semajrak
> -=-Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him company.-=-When my son was three, I found that I really enjoyed building with blocks and trains and making things out of boxes and scraps of fabric and painting on stretched canvas. We collected big boxes (free from appliance stores) and made houses or restaurants or just structures he and I could climb in and out of. I found I loved working with him this way, and time passed so easily and joyfully.
>
> Maybe surf for things the two of you would enjoy together.
We still build and explore together, although now it is often more electronically. Having said that, we recently brought home a refrigerator box and climbed inside together. It felt so good :)
I recommend experimenting with whatever fills your spirit with joy and with whatever might intrigue you son. Not everything will work, but keep trying. Your son will likely be delighted to follow your lead (especially if you are excited about it), and he will bring his own ideas for you to get to know him better by. The time you spend joyfully playing together will grow, and carry you through those more challenging moments.
Karen.
dola dasgupta-banerji
Cool, Ishaan my 5 year old son and I just finished a model of Paris with a
3D Eiffel Tower puzzle and lost of small boxes for buildings....He keeps
adding to it everyday...and his ambitious plan is to make a model of each
city that he likes....
So today I am getting him a 3D model of leaning Tower of pisa,, have already
got Empire State Building.....There London Bridge also available here....
Enjoy...
Dola
3D Eiffel Tower puzzle and lost of small boxes for buildings....He keeps
adding to it everyday...and his ambitious plan is to make a model of each
city that he likes....
So today I am getting him a 3D model of leaning Tower of pisa,, have already
got Empire State Building.....There London Bridge also available here....
Enjoy...
Dola
On Sat, May 14, 2011 at 6:00 AM, semajrak <semajrak@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> > -=-Before reading up on unschooling I used to spend time surfing for
> activities and toys that my son might like. I realised after reading about
> unschooling that (a) instead of surfing for those things I'd be better off
> spending the time with him and (b) I was looking for things to keep him busy
> and entertained - things he could do without me having to keep him
> company.-=-
> >
> > Maybe surf for things the two of you would enjoy together.
>
> When my son was three, I found that I really enjoyed building with blocks
> and trains and making things out of boxes and scraps of fabric and painting
> on stretched canvas. We collected big boxes (free from appliance stores) and
> made houses or restaurants or just structures he and I could climb in and
> out of. I found I loved working with him this way, and time passed so easily
> and joyfully.
>
> We still build and explore together, although now it is often more
> electronically. Having said that, we recently brought home a refrigerator
> box and climbed inside together. It felt so good :)
>
> I recommend experimenting with whatever fills your spirit with joy and with
> whatever might intrigue you son. Not everything will work, but keep trying.
> Your son will likely be delighted to follow your lead (especially if you are
> excited about it), and he will bring his own ideas for you to get to know
> him better by. The time you spend joyfully playing together will grow, and
> carry you through those more challenging moments.
>
> Karen.
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-We still build and explore together, although now it is often more electronically. Having said that, we recently brought home a refrigerator box and climbed inside together. It felt so good :)
-=-I recommend experimenting with whatever fills your spirit with joy and with whatever might intrigue you son. Not everything will work, but keep trying. Your son will likely be delighted to follow your lead (especially if you are excited about it), and he will bring his own ideas for you to get to know him better by. The time you spend joyfully playing together will grow, and carry you through those more challenging moments.-=-
Beautiful.
The cardboard box from a four-drawer filing cabinet is like a pup tent for a kid--like a sleeping cave.
If you can't find big boxes, sheets laid over tables or between chairs can be tents! We have chairs with posts on the backs and we would put rubber bands over the cloth to hold it. On couches, we would put books or stuffed animals over the cloth to hold it a little. Don't use a book so heavy that if it's pulled off it will hurt.
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren has some ideas about temporary tents like that.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-I recommend experimenting with whatever fills your spirit with joy and with whatever might intrigue you son. Not everything will work, but keep trying. Your son will likely be delighted to follow your lead (especially if you are excited about it), and he will bring his own ideas for you to get to know him better by. The time you spend joyfully playing together will grow, and carry you through those more challenging moments.-=-
Beautiful.
The cardboard box from a four-drawer filing cabinet is like a pup tent for a kid--like a sleeping cave.
If you can't find big boxes, sheets laid over tables or between chairs can be tents! We have chairs with posts on the backs and we would put rubber bands over the cloth to hold it. On couches, we would put books or stuffed animals over the cloth to hold it a little. Don't use a book so heavy that if it's pulled off it will hurt.
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren has some ideas about temporary tents like that.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dola dasgupta-banerji
Yeah we do use the chairs to make tents a lot....also the dining table...I
cover the table with sheets and weight them down with books and below the
table we spread out choir mats and I am generally the Pizza delivery guy....
Dola
cover the table with sheets and weight them down with books and below the
table we spread out choir mats and I am generally the Pizza delivery guy....
Dola
On Sun, May 15, 2011 at 2:33 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
>
> -=-We still build and explore together, although now it is often more
> electronically. Having said that, we recently brought home a refrigerator
> box and climbed inside together. It felt so good :)
>
> -=-I recommend experimenting with whatever fills your spirit with joy and
> with whatever might intrigue you son. Not everything will work, but keep
> trying. Your son will likely be delighted to follow your lead (especially if
> you are excited about it), and he will bring his own ideas for you to get to
> know him better by. The time you spend joyfully playing together will grow,
> and carry you through those more challenging moments.-=-
>
> Beautiful.
>
> The cardboard box from a four-drawer filing cabinet is like a pup tent for
> a kid--like a sleeping cave.
>
> If you can't find big boxes, sheets laid over tables or between chairs can
> be tents! We have chairs with posts on the backs and we would put rubber
> bands over the cloth to hold it. On couches, we would put books or stuffed
> animals over the cloth to hold it a little. Don't use a book so heavy that
> if it's pulled off it will hurt.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren has some ideas about temporary tents
> like that.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]