Friction between your kids and their friends
teresa
First, I did a search for the topic "friends," but it seemed to kick me off list to other Internet sites; am I missing something? Is there a way to search using keywords?
My question is how one might handle a situation between two friends who, more often than not, rub each other the wrong way.
My son is 5. My closest friend in town has a son who is 5, also. Our sons have really different personalities and approaches to conflict. After about twenty minutes, the fun they were have together turns to something else entirely, and my boy usually shuts down and her boy usually wants us to leave (or wants us to leave). He has the same kind of problems with his cousin who is 6, though they're happy together for a couple of hours before the conflicts arise.
I have observed plenty of times when my son really "clicked" with another child, when they could play hours and hours together happily, each feeding off of the other's energy, not only getting along, but really enjoying each other's contributions to the play.
But, it's not like that with the son of my closest friend or the cousin.
So, what do you do? Do you approach the playtime knowing that it might only be 20 minutes, and that's fine? If so, how do you help the kids to "call it quits" without having it seem like not being able to work through the conflict was a social failure and they're being punished? (It's not always the case that both kids are ready for the break, or that they can really articulate that a break is what they want.)
Have lots of distracting toys/games/activities for when things get rough (this one I've tried, but it feels like I'm putting on a song and dance to postpone the inevitable, and I wonder if that's really useful)?
Avoid playing together at all, until they're in a different developmental place, more able to work with each other's differences? (Not my favorite option, and not always possible, but I can see how this might give everybody a little ease for a while.)
I don't know. Part of me really, really *gets* it--not everybody gets along. I know that, especially with the cousin (family), that most often being friends is a mixed bag, and that if he really, really didn't want to hang out with certain kids at all, he'd tell me. I'm looking at the signpost--is my child happy--and I can say with honesty that for X number of minutes, yes, yes he is. But I'm wondering how to maximize the good in a relationship that tends toward conflict while helping him to establish his own boundaries with kindness and respect the boundaries of others.
So, what are your thoughts on this?
Thanks for reading.
Teresa
Mama to Woody (5) and Fox (2)
My question is how one might handle a situation between two friends who, more often than not, rub each other the wrong way.
My son is 5. My closest friend in town has a son who is 5, also. Our sons have really different personalities and approaches to conflict. After about twenty minutes, the fun they were have together turns to something else entirely, and my boy usually shuts down and her boy usually wants us to leave (or wants us to leave). He has the same kind of problems with his cousin who is 6, though they're happy together for a couple of hours before the conflicts arise.
I have observed plenty of times when my son really "clicked" with another child, when they could play hours and hours together happily, each feeding off of the other's energy, not only getting along, but really enjoying each other's contributions to the play.
But, it's not like that with the son of my closest friend or the cousin.
So, what do you do? Do you approach the playtime knowing that it might only be 20 minutes, and that's fine? If so, how do you help the kids to "call it quits" without having it seem like not being able to work through the conflict was a social failure and they're being punished? (It's not always the case that both kids are ready for the break, or that they can really articulate that a break is what they want.)
Have lots of distracting toys/games/activities for when things get rough (this one I've tried, but it feels like I'm putting on a song and dance to postpone the inevitable, and I wonder if that's really useful)?
Avoid playing together at all, until they're in a different developmental place, more able to work with each other's differences? (Not my favorite option, and not always possible, but I can see how this might give everybody a little ease for a while.)
I don't know. Part of me really, really *gets* it--not everybody gets along. I know that, especially with the cousin (family), that most often being friends is a mixed bag, and that if he really, really didn't want to hang out with certain kids at all, he'd tell me. I'm looking at the signpost--is my child happy--and I can say with honesty that for X number of minutes, yes, yes he is. But I'm wondering how to maximize the good in a relationship that tends toward conflict while helping him to establish his own boundaries with kindness and respect the boundaries of others.
So, what are your thoughts on this?
Thanks for reading.
Teresa
Mama to Woody (5) and Fox (2)
Joyce Fetteroll
On May 5, 2011, at 2:26 PM, teresa wrote:
Then, rather oddly and confusingly, there are 3 search boxes on the
messages page. The one on the top right searches the internet. The one
below that searches for Yahoo lists.
The search for this list is leftish, right above the messages.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> First, I did a search for the topic "friends," but it seemed to kickAt the website, first click on Messages on the left side.
> me off list to other Internet sites;
Then, rather oddly and confusingly, there are 3 search boxes on the
messages page. The one on the top right searches the internet. The one
below that searches for Yahoo lists.
The search for this list is leftish, right above the messages.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Friction between your kids and their friends-=-
I think the subject line was an error.
It sounds like friction between the children of friends.
-==-My closest friend in town has a son who is 5, also. Our sons have really different personalities and approaches to conflict.-=-
So it's nor your kid's friend. It's your kid and a five-year-old houseguest? That right there makes a difference, I think.
If the purpose of the visit is for you and your friend to get to talk and hang out, and the kids don't get along, it can't be made better very easily, although they'll not be five for much longer, and then six for only one year, so things might get better with time.
If you want to hang out with your friend, maybe it should be at a place that's exciting for the kids, like a playground or zoo or somewhere they can run and play, rather than at your house.
If it was your son's friend, I would suggest hanging out closer to them and having two or three activities planned in different places, so that when it starts to go bad after 20 minutes, you have the next thing lined up and ready to go. And one might should be food and drinks, and at least one of the activities should be active.
Sandra
I think the subject line was an error.
It sounds like friction between the children of friends.
-==-My closest friend in town has a son who is 5, also. Our sons have really different personalities and approaches to conflict.-=-
So it's nor your kid's friend. It's your kid and a five-year-old houseguest? That right there makes a difference, I think.
If the purpose of the visit is for you and your friend to get to talk and hang out, and the kids don't get along, it can't be made better very easily, although they'll not be five for much longer, and then six for only one year, so things might get better with time.
If you want to hang out with your friend, maybe it should be at a place that's exciting for the kids, like a playground or zoo or somewhere they can run and play, rather than at your house.
If it was your son's friend, I would suggest hanging out closer to them and having two or three activities planned in different places, so that when it starts to go bad after 20 minutes, you have the next thing lined up and ready to go. And one might should be food and drinks, and at least one of the activities should be active.
Sandra
teresa
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>To clarify, my son does consider this boy to be a friend, but his definition of a friend at the moment is someone whose name he knows and who he plays with. The energy between the two of them doesn't *feel* friendly to me, though. Still, when I ask if he wants to see this boy, he says yes, though he has added before: "but sometimes we have some problems."
> -==-My closest friend in town has a son who is 5, also. Our sons have really different personalities and approaches to conflict.-=-
>
> So it's nor your kid's friend. It's your kid and a five-year-old houseguest? That right there makes a difference, I think.
>
aldq75
Three suggestions:
Find ways to see your friend that don't involve the children.
Visit with your friend at a park, zoo or other venue where the children don't have to play together.
Plan a park day or event with multiple families so the boys don't have to play one-on-one.
Andrea Q
Find ways to see your friend that don't involve the children.
Visit with your friend at a park, zoo or other venue where the children don't have to play together.
Plan a park day or event with multiple families so the boys don't have to play one-on-one.
Andrea Q
--- In [email protected], "teresa" <treesock@...> wrote:
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@> wrote:
> >
> > -==-My closest friend in town has a son who is 5, also. Our sons have really different personalities and approaches to conflict.-=-
> >
> > So it's nor your kid's friend. It's your kid and a five-year-old houseguest? That right there makes a difference, I think.
> >
>
> To clarify, my son does consider this boy to be a friend, but his definition of a friend at the moment is someone whose name he knows and who he plays with. The energy between the two of them doesn't *feel* friendly to me, though. Still, when I ask if he wants to see this boy, he says yes, though he has added before: "but sometimes we have some problems."
>