Advice on handling Big Wants in a positive way
DaBreeze21
Hi!
Once again I am struggling with an issue and would love some of your advice/opinions. My daughter is 4 (will be 5 in July) and over the past year her desire to buy and receive new toys has grown a lot. We first started noticing this past fall. We've always been pretty laid back and generous about getting her things especially when we are "out and about" but she really started actively asking for more toys. It seemed like every commercial she saw on TV she wanted the toy (I know it really wasn't EVERY toy, it just felt like it).
It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler. So we started an allowance around Thanksgiving time - she is getting $3 a week. We also usually have her save up for half of something and pay the other half. This seems to be working pretty well. I spreads our purchases out, and she is learning a lot.
I feel like I/we (my husband and I) are still struggling a little though. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts/feelings inside. For instance today we went to the mall and she ended up getting a pair of $5 sunglasses and a stuffed animal (unicorn) for about $20. To do this we had to "use" this coming Friday's allowance which means we shouldn't purchase anything for a while now. I was with my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much so I'm sure that is influencing how I feel (a little guilty, like I "gave in" or am a softy etc.) My mom and I are close and I do value her opinion a lot. Also we already have many, MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also that she should spend her money as she chooses.
This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for us financially etc. I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list, so any advice or experience with what has worked with your family would be greatly appreciated. I think I've read before about people that have kids with "big wants" and how to be positive about it. I don't see how making her feel bad about it or her feeling like we say no all the time can be good for her or our relationship.
Thanks in advance!
Susan
Once again I am struggling with an issue and would love some of your advice/opinions. My daughter is 4 (will be 5 in July) and over the past year her desire to buy and receive new toys has grown a lot. We first started noticing this past fall. We've always been pretty laid back and generous about getting her things especially when we are "out and about" but she really started actively asking for more toys. It seemed like every commercial she saw on TV she wanted the toy (I know it really wasn't EVERY toy, it just felt like it).
It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler. So we started an allowance around Thanksgiving time - she is getting $3 a week. We also usually have her save up for half of something and pay the other half. This seems to be working pretty well. I spreads our purchases out, and she is learning a lot.
I feel like I/we (my husband and I) are still struggling a little though. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts/feelings inside. For instance today we went to the mall and she ended up getting a pair of $5 sunglasses and a stuffed animal (unicorn) for about $20. To do this we had to "use" this coming Friday's allowance which means we shouldn't purchase anything for a while now. I was with my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much so I'm sure that is influencing how I feel (a little guilty, like I "gave in" or am a softy etc.) My mom and I are close and I do value her opinion a lot. Also we already have many, MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also that she should spend her money as she chooses.
This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for us financially etc. I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list, so any advice or experience with what has worked with your family would be greatly appreciated. I think I've read before about people that have kids with "big wants" and how to be positive about it. I don't see how making her feel bad about it or her feeling like we say no all the time can be good for her or our relationship.
Thanks in advance!
Susan
Sandra Dodd
-=-It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler.-=-
Sometimes you have to put people off. Nobody can get everything right now, not even billionaires.
I would never say "You can get that..." because things happen, things change. I always say "maybe."
-=-I feel like I/we (my husband and I) are still struggling a little though. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts/feelings inside. For instance today we went to the mall and she ended up getting a pair of $5 sunglasses and a stuffed animal (unicorn) for about $20. To do this we had to "use" this coming Friday's allowance which means we shouldn't purchase anything for a while now. I was with my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much -=-
Do you have a digital camera?
Maybe you could take pictures of the things she really likes and note where she saw them. If she wishes a week later she still had it, you can go back. If not, she has the photos of beautiful things in the world. Don't call it "Things X wants," but "Beautiful things I saw" or something.
-=- Also we already have many, MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also that she should spend her money as she chooses. -=-
But that wasn't her money. Three dollars a week doesn't equal $25 on a whim. And matching her funds isn't showing her what $3 will buy, either.
And stuffed animals should not be "her love," as in her only love, or the center of her life. Maybe you and she should do more things with the stuffed animals she has. Play with them. Rearrange them. Find them some accessories around the house, or at thrift stores. Chairs, or beds, or clothes. Props. Jewelry.
-=-I guess I'm still unsure where my boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for us financially etc. -=-
There are wrong answers. There are better-than-worse answers. Principles. If the principle you're considering is learning, and you're not comfortable with what she might be learning, that's a time to say "not today," and move slightly to the side, while still being supportive.
-=- I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list-=-
If your goal is to be "not the mainstream," though, those trains depart in too many directions. You need a new ideal and goal based on principles.
-=- I don't see how making her feel bad about it or her feeling like we say no all the time can be good for her or our relationship. -=-
Maybe keep track of the times you say yes and no for a while. A chart on the wall in the kitchen. And think about those photos for another kind of collection. Maybe you could take them with your phone and transfer them to an online storage place. Photobucket, or a blog. And you could write about them--what she liked about them. And maybe photograph the cool things she's doing with the stuffed animals she does have, and put those on a blog too, or in a scrapbook or something.
Your question seems to be couched in all-or-nothing ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/balance
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sometimes you have to put people off. Nobody can get everything right now, not even billionaires.
I would never say "You can get that..." because things happen, things change. I always say "maybe."
-=-I feel like I/we (my husband and I) are still struggling a little though. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts/feelings inside. For instance today we went to the mall and she ended up getting a pair of $5 sunglasses and a stuffed animal (unicorn) for about $20. To do this we had to "use" this coming Friday's allowance which means we shouldn't purchase anything for a while now. I was with my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much -=-
Do you have a digital camera?
Maybe you could take pictures of the things she really likes and note where she saw them. If she wishes a week later she still had it, you can go back. If not, she has the photos of beautiful things in the world. Don't call it "Things X wants," but "Beautiful things I saw" or something.
-=- Also we already have many, MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also that she should spend her money as she chooses. -=-
But that wasn't her money. Three dollars a week doesn't equal $25 on a whim. And matching her funds isn't showing her what $3 will buy, either.
And stuffed animals should not be "her love," as in her only love, or the center of her life. Maybe you and she should do more things with the stuffed animals she has. Play with them. Rearrange them. Find them some accessories around the house, or at thrift stores. Chairs, or beds, or clothes. Props. Jewelry.
-=-I guess I'm still unsure where my boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for us financially etc. -=-
There are wrong answers. There are better-than-worse answers. Principles. If the principle you're considering is learning, and you're not comfortable with what she might be learning, that's a time to say "not today," and move slightly to the side, while still being supportive.
-=- I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list-=-
If your goal is to be "not the mainstream," though, those trains depart in too many directions. You need a new ideal and goal based on principles.
-=- I don't see how making her feel bad about it or her feeling like we say no all the time can be good for her or our relationship. -=-
Maybe keep track of the times you say yes and no for a while. A chart on the wall in the kitchen. And think about those photos for another kind of collection. Maybe you could take them with your phone and transfer them to an online storage place. Photobucket, or a blog. And you could write about them--what she liked about them. And maybe photograph the cool things she's doing with the stuffed animals she does have, and put those on a blog too, or in a scrapbook or something.
Your question seems to be couched in all-or-nothing ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/balance
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex
Hi Susan,
I think I posted almost the same thing a few months ago! Except my daughter is almost 4, and we started right after Christmas. We started with $3 a week, and then a $12 bonus the first weekend of the month so she could buy a bigger thing once a month even if she spent her money each week. This was partially keeping in mind the $16 princess sets she's collecting. I dropped the bonus because she didn't quite *get* it, was happy with her small purchases without it, and we have a lot of big expenses coming up. I had been worried about her not being able to save up for something really big, but she's starting to choose to save, and there hasn't been anything really big that she desperately wanted but couldn't manage to save for.
We tried the matching thing the first few weeks, but I found it a little confusing and strange. The plan was that she'd spend all her money on one toy she chose there in the store, and I'd match it if she needed a little more money, but then that money that she *could* have had wouldn't roll over. I didn't want her to not be able to get something she wanted, but I didn't want her to buy a totally different thing with "my" money either...Too much control, in the guise of helping. I wanted to simplify.
Mostly I think it is less stressful to both of us for her to be completely in control of the weekly toy budget, and my deciding whether or not to advance or contribute "my" money makes her purchases subject to mom's whims again. I don't do loans, because to me it is confusing and just leads to disappointment when she has no money the next time.I don't want to be in that position; that's a big part of why she has the allowance. Of course, if she saw something exceptionally amazing at a garage sale or somewhere we couldn't go back to, and she had almost enough money, we'd probably talk about what we could skip that week to make up the money and buy it.
I *do* buy small gifts mostly in advance of holidays when she isn't present, out of a gift budget, and buy things like activity kits and puzzles that we can do as a family out of our activity budget. My boundary at the library used book store is that I'll pay up to 50 cents on a book/CD/DVD, and then if she wants something that costs more, she can pay the rest. She's happy too. It's not perfect--I can see the silliness in agreeing to pay for 3 50 cent books but not one $1.50 one-- but it's a start.
I'm still ironing things out, but I can tell you that searching garage sales on Craigslist for "toys" or "girls" or whatever kind of thing she's been wanting has helped us.
I do have too much stuff feelings. I feel like picking up the house is taking away from my family time. I have pretty low standards, but past a certain point it snowballs and she doesn't play with things as much. I've been working at sorting things better at night so we can rotate them in and out of storage and better keep them off the floor. It's helping. My daughter doesn't mind stuff sorted but it makes her angry to watch me do it. We've also started gently coaching her to put things back when she is about to just put them down and walk away.
Hope that helps-
Alex N
I think I posted almost the same thing a few months ago! Except my daughter is almost 4, and we started right after Christmas. We started with $3 a week, and then a $12 bonus the first weekend of the month so she could buy a bigger thing once a month even if she spent her money each week. This was partially keeping in mind the $16 princess sets she's collecting. I dropped the bonus because she didn't quite *get* it, was happy with her small purchases without it, and we have a lot of big expenses coming up. I had been worried about her not being able to save up for something really big, but she's starting to choose to save, and there hasn't been anything really big that she desperately wanted but couldn't manage to save for.
We tried the matching thing the first few weeks, but I found it a little confusing and strange. The plan was that she'd spend all her money on one toy she chose there in the store, and I'd match it if she needed a little more money, but then that money that she *could* have had wouldn't roll over. I didn't want her to not be able to get something she wanted, but I didn't want her to buy a totally different thing with "my" money either...Too much control, in the guise of helping. I wanted to simplify.
Mostly I think it is less stressful to both of us for her to be completely in control of the weekly toy budget, and my deciding whether or not to advance or contribute "my" money makes her purchases subject to mom's whims again. I don't do loans, because to me it is confusing and just leads to disappointment when she has no money the next time.I don't want to be in that position; that's a big part of why she has the allowance. Of course, if she saw something exceptionally amazing at a garage sale or somewhere we couldn't go back to, and she had almost enough money, we'd probably talk about what we could skip that week to make up the money and buy it.
I *do* buy small gifts mostly in advance of holidays when she isn't present, out of a gift budget, and buy things like activity kits and puzzles that we can do as a family out of our activity budget. My boundary at the library used book store is that I'll pay up to 50 cents on a book/CD/DVD, and then if she wants something that costs more, she can pay the rest. She's happy too. It's not perfect--I can see the silliness in agreeing to pay for 3 50 cent books but not one $1.50 one-- but it's a start.
I'm still ironing things out, but I can tell you that searching garage sales on Craigslist for "toys" or "girls" or whatever kind of thing she's been wanting has helped us.
I do have too much stuff feelings. I feel like picking up the house is taking away from my family time. I have pretty low standards, but past a certain point it snowballs and she doesn't play with things as much. I've been working at sorting things better at night so we can rotate them in and out of storage and better keep them off the floor. It's helping. My daughter doesn't mind stuff sorted but it makes her angry to watch me do it. We've also started gently coaching her to put things back when she is about to just put them down and walk away.
Hope that helps-
Alex N
--- In [email protected], "DaBreeze21" <susanmay15@...> wrote:
>
So we started an allowance around Thanksgiving time - she is getting $3 a week. We also usually have her save up for half of something and pay the other half. This seems to be working pretty well. I spreads our purchases out, and she is learning a lot.
>
> This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to support her and be generous without going overboard? > Susan
>
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Both my kids were really into buying toys at 4. Gigi also still pretty much says she wants all the toys she
sees on TV commercials.
When do I say no?? When I cannot or when we can find it cheaper and they trust me on that one!
I also go to thrift stores and with a budged we fill the cart with toys then they decide what they want to keep.
That is a great way for them to pick what they feel they like the best whithin the budget we have.
e also save for bigger toys.
Last year MD, my 8 year old saved over$250 dollars towards his PS3. He waited a whole year to get it!
He saves for games a lot too.
When he was 3 and we had a much bigger bugdet than now we used to give him pretty much all he wanted.
We have hundreds of dollars on Thomas the Tank Engine we got for him!
My experience is that kids do not get spoiled just because they have a lot of toys.
Gigi, my 5year old probably has about 20 stuffed unicorns! All but the first big one we got at a thrift store for under a dollar.
We have probably about 120 stuffed animals that live in my bedroom and that the kids play with on a daily basis.
Here is a couple of videos of my home and you can see how many toys we have:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuoQv5Q1oNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOXorXqffSE
I have gotten really good at buying on sale, on the trhift store, craigslist dollar store and saving literally tons!
Even Gigi says things like: "we can wait to find it on sale" when we go shopping.
They are really becoming savy with their money. MD searches on line of good prices!
Yep giving them lots and lots
of toys when we can has not created a spoiled child at all in my house!!!
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sees on TV commercials.
When do I say no?? When I cannot or when we can find it cheaper and they trust me on that one!
I also go to thrift stores and with a budged we fill the cart with toys then they decide what they want to keep.
That is a great way for them to pick what they feel they like the best whithin the budget we have.
e also save for bigger toys.
Last year MD, my 8 year old saved over$250 dollars towards his PS3. He waited a whole year to get it!
He saves for games a lot too.
When he was 3 and we had a much bigger bugdet than now we used to give him pretty much all he wanted.
We have hundreds of dollars on Thomas the Tank Engine we got for him!
My experience is that kids do not get spoiled just because they have a lot of toys.
Gigi, my 5year old probably has about 20 stuffed unicorns! All but the first big one we got at a thrift store for under a dollar.
We have probably about 120 stuffed animals that live in my bedroom and that the kids play with on a daily basis.
Here is a couple of videos of my home and you can see how many toys we have:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuoQv5Q1oNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOXorXqffSE
I have gotten really good at buying on sale, on the trhift store, craigslist dollar store and saving literally tons!
Even Gigi says things like: "we can wait to find it on sale" when we go shopping.
They are really becoming savy with their money. MD searches on line of good prices!
Yep giving them lots and lots
of toys when we can has not created a spoiled child at all in my house!!!
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
I have a daughter who had a love of stuffed animals. Yesterday we went through
the room that is chock-a-block stuffed animals and she reorganised them and we
tucked some out of the way, but she hasn't had a new stuffed animal in a long
time. When she was younger, though, she liked getting lots of different stuffed
animals. I had moments like you speak of, I felt like it was too much money for
such a collection. But, over time, and with perspective, I realised that she was
getting more and more discerning about where she spent her money. And it was
really important to me that she had her own money. It gave me the freedom to say
yes or to say no to something and still let her choose to get it.
Linnaea and Simon, who have had their purchases supported to the best of David's
income's ability, are both more likely to say no to an offer of something than
yes. They make decisions based so much more on what they want then I did as an
11 year old or as a 14 year old. Actually, they've got me bested long into my
adult years. They don't feel the need that I felt to have a treat. They both
have money from their allowance that they haven't spent. I think saying yes to
them when they were younger really set them up to see the value in both money
and what they want.
Maybe that's unrelated, maybe saying yes to what they wanted in lots of their
lives, yes to playing a game, yes to a bath, yes to going to the park, yes to
swimming, yes to another book, yes to watching that movie, yes to that stuffed
animal, yes to that sword, yes to bouncing on the trampoline with them, maybe
all of those yesses lead to two children who don't feel needy enough to look for
their happiness in lots of stuff. It isn't that they don't want stuff or buy
stuff. They get video games, and Linnaea likes certain kinds of clothes from a
specific store, but they are really discerning of what they want and how much it
costs. Maybe that discernment comes from a lack of need.
You can look for more ways to fulfil her desire for stuffed animals, but don't
look at her as though she is spoiled or too demanding or as though you are too
soft. Give as generously as you can. I think it is a good thing to do.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: DaBreeze21 <susanmay15@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, 26 April, 2011 18:06:55
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Advice on handling Big Wants in a positive way
Hi!
Once again I am struggling with an issue and would love some of your
advice/opinions. My daughter is 4 (will be 5 in July) and over the past year her
desire to buy and receive new toys has grown a lot. We first started noticing
this past fall. We've always been pretty laid back and generous about getting
her things especially when we are "out and about" but she really started
actively asking for more toys. It seemed like every commercial she saw on TV she
wanted the toy (I know it really wasn't EVERY toy, it just felt like it).
It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get
that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler. So we started an allowance
around Thanksgiving time - she is getting $3 a week. We also usually have her
save up for half of something and pay the other half. This seems to be working
pretty well. I spreads our purchases out, and she is learning a lot.
I feel like I/we (my husband and I) are still struggling a little though. I have
a lot of conflicting thoughts/feelings inside. For instance today we went to the
mall and she ended up getting a pair of $5 sunglasses and a stuffed animal
(unicorn) for about $20. To do this we had to "use" this coming Friday's
allowance which means we shouldn't purchase anything for a while now. I was with
my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much so I'm sure that is
influencing how I feel (a little guilty, like I "gave in" or am a softy etc.) My
mom and I are close and I do value her opinion a lot. Also we already have many,
MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also
that she should spend her money as she chooses.
This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my
boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to
support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are
no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for
us financially etc. I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once
again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list,
so any advice or experience with what has worked with your family would be
greatly appreciated. I think I've read before about people that have kids with
"big wants" and how to be positive about it. I don't see how making her feel bad
about it or her feeling like we say no all the time can be good for her or our
relationship.
Thanks in advance!
Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the room that is chock-a-block stuffed animals and she reorganised them and we
tucked some out of the way, but she hasn't had a new stuffed animal in a long
time. When she was younger, though, she liked getting lots of different stuffed
animals. I had moments like you speak of, I felt like it was too much money for
such a collection. But, over time, and with perspective, I realised that she was
getting more and more discerning about where she spent her money. And it was
really important to me that she had her own money. It gave me the freedom to say
yes or to say no to something and still let her choose to get it.
Linnaea and Simon, who have had their purchases supported to the best of David's
income's ability, are both more likely to say no to an offer of something than
yes. They make decisions based so much more on what they want then I did as an
11 year old or as a 14 year old. Actually, they've got me bested long into my
adult years. They don't feel the need that I felt to have a treat. They both
have money from their allowance that they haven't spent. I think saying yes to
them when they were younger really set them up to see the value in both money
and what they want.
Maybe that's unrelated, maybe saying yes to what they wanted in lots of their
lives, yes to playing a game, yes to a bath, yes to going to the park, yes to
swimming, yes to another book, yes to watching that movie, yes to that stuffed
animal, yes to that sword, yes to bouncing on the trampoline with them, maybe
all of those yesses lead to two children who don't feel needy enough to look for
their happiness in lots of stuff. It isn't that they don't want stuff or buy
stuff. They get video games, and Linnaea likes certain kinds of clothes from a
specific store, but they are really discerning of what they want and how much it
costs. Maybe that discernment comes from a lack of need.
You can look for more ways to fulfil her desire for stuffed animals, but don't
look at her as though she is spoiled or too demanding or as though you are too
soft. Give as generously as you can. I think it is a good thing to do.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: DaBreeze21 <susanmay15@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, 26 April, 2011 18:06:55
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Advice on handling Big Wants in a positive way
Hi!
Once again I am struggling with an issue and would love some of your
advice/opinions. My daughter is 4 (will be 5 in July) and over the past year her
desire to buy and receive new toys has grown a lot. We first started noticing
this past fall. We've always been pretty laid back and generous about getting
her things especially when we are "out and about" but she really started
actively asking for more toys. It seemed like every commercial she saw on TV she
wanted the toy (I know it really wasn't EVERY toy, it just felt like it).
It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get
that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler. So we started an allowance
around Thanksgiving time - she is getting $3 a week. We also usually have her
save up for half of something and pay the other half. This seems to be working
pretty well. I spreads our purchases out, and she is learning a lot.
I feel like I/we (my husband and I) are still struggling a little though. I have
a lot of conflicting thoughts/feelings inside. For instance today we went to the
mall and she ended up getting a pair of $5 sunglasses and a stuffed animal
(unicorn) for about $20. To do this we had to "use" this coming Friday's
allowance which means we shouldn't purchase anything for a while now. I was with
my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much so I'm sure that is
influencing how I feel (a little guilty, like I "gave in" or am a softy etc.) My
mom and I are close and I do value her opinion a lot. Also we already have many,
MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also
that she should spend her money as she chooses.
This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my
boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to
support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are
no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for
us financially etc. I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once
again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list,
so any advice or experience with what has worked with your family would be
greatly appreciated. I think I've read before about people that have kids with
"big wants" and how to be positive about it. I don't see how making her feel bad
about it or her feeling like we say no all the time can be good for her or our
relationship.
Thanks in advance!
Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Linnaea and Simon, who have had their purchases supported to the best of David's
income's ability, are both more likely to say no to an offer of something than
yes. They make decisions based so much more on what they want then I did as an
11 year old or as a 14 year old. Actually, they've got me bested long into my
adult years. They don't feel the need that I felt to have a treat. They both
have money from their allowance that they haven't spent. I think saying yes to
them when they were younger really set them up to see the value in both money
and what they want. -=-
That's happened here--my kids want to eat at home, rather than out. They LIKE what they already have and don't crave newness.
When I was little I didn't get things, and I was told no a lot, and I still get a thrill from spending money, eating out, getting something new. It's as though something in my broke, when I was little, and a switch is stuck that makes me want something, vaguely. My kids don't have that at all, none of them.
Keith said he wanted them to grow up undamaged, and this might be part of what "undamaged" looks like. They're realistic and not needy.
-=-Maybe that discernment comes from a lack of need. -=-
I think that could be true.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
income's ability, are both more likely to say no to an offer of something than
yes. They make decisions based so much more on what they want then I did as an
11 year old or as a 14 year old. Actually, they've got me bested long into my
adult years. They don't feel the need that I felt to have a treat. They both
have money from their allowance that they haven't spent. I think saying yes to
them when they were younger really set them up to see the value in both money
and what they want. -=-
That's happened here--my kids want to eat at home, rather than out. They LIKE what they already have and don't crave newness.
When I was little I didn't get things, and I was told no a lot, and I still get a thrill from spending money, eating out, getting something new. It's as though something in my broke, when I was little, and a switch is stuck that makes me want something, vaguely. My kids don't have that at all, none of them.
Keith said he wanted them to grow up undamaged, and this might be part of what "undamaged" looks like. They're realistic and not needy.
-=-Maybe that discernment comes from a lack of need. -=-
I think that could be true.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Gwen Montoya
The two things that have really helped my kids:
1) not taking them shopping unless I had money to spend. When they were
under four or so, going to a toy store and exploring and hanging out was a
fun thing to do. Sometimes going to the mall and wandering around is fun,
but they really like to have a pretzel when we go. So we don't go to the
mall unless I have extra money for pretzels. We've talked about it and they
really prefer not to go to the mall unless a pretzel each is involved.
2) thrift stores are amazing! We went tonight and before we went in I told
the kids I only had $5 with me. They were each able to get two or three
things for only $4. The kids feel like they hit the jackpot (and Megan kind
of did since she found a Webkinz for $1.50 with an unused online code).
Gwen
1) not taking them shopping unless I had money to spend. When they were
under four or so, going to a toy store and exploring and hanging out was a
fun thing to do. Sometimes going to the mall and wandering around is fun,
but they really like to have a pretzel when we go. So we don't go to the
mall unless I have extra money for pretzels. We've talked about it and they
really prefer not to go to the mall unless a pretzel each is involved.
2) thrift stores are amazing! We went tonight and before we went in I told
the kids I only had $5 with me. They were each able to get two or three
things for only $4. The kids feel like they hit the jackpot (and Megan kind
of did since she found a Webkinz for $1.50 with an unused online code).
Gwen
On Tue, Apr 26, 2011 at 10:06 AM, DaBreeze21 <susanmay15@...> wrote:
>
>
> This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my
> boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to
> support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there
> are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is
> right for us financially etc. I do know that the outlook I am trying to
> embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives
> I get on this list, so any advice or experience with what has worked with
> your family would be greatly appreciated. I think I've read before about
> people that have kids with "big wants" and how to be positive about it. I
> don't see how making her feel bad about it or her feeling like we say no all
> the time can be good for her or our relationship.
>
> Thanks in advance!
>
> Susan
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jennifer Schuelein
My son is 11 years old and he also does not ask for many things these days. He doesn't ask to eat out of the house, either, unless it's a special occasion like a birthday. When he was younger I said yes constantly and my budget could afford quite a lot (Hello, Thomas the Train collection plus stuffed animals). I did not implement allowance until Xander was about 7. Until then, he got pretty much all that he wanted. Some people told me that he would turn out spoiled and I got a lot of push back from my ex-husbands family.
Well, today at 11 years old Xan has told me that the best thing about holidays is the giving part. He donates his gently used items to charity and LOVES to think about others. He also loves to save his allowance and sees it as a goal to be attained (like getting all of the stars in a Mario game level). When he's saving for something large, I do chip in when I can. Our budget is vastly different now and he is very understanding. He also loves getting deals (I taught him about sales very early on) and he just loves saving money on an item. I really think that saying yes so much has helped Xander become the guy he is today.
Well, today at 11 years old Xan has told me that the best thing about holidays is the giving part. He donates his gently used items to charity and LOVES to think about others. He also loves to save his allowance and sees it as a goal to be attained (like getting all of the stars in a Mario game level). When he's saving for something large, I do chip in when I can. Our budget is vastly different now and he is very understanding. He also loves getting deals (I taught him about sales very early on) and he just loves saving money on an item. I really think that saying yes so much has helped Xander become the guy he is today.
--- In [email protected], Gwen Montoya <lifeisjustthis@...> wrote:
>
> The two things that have really helped my kids:
>
> 1) not taking them shopping unless I had money to spend. When they were
> under four or so, going to a toy store and exploring and hanging out was a
> fun thing to do. Sometimes going to the mall and wandering around is fun,
> but they really like to have a pretzel when we go. So we don't go to the
> mall unless I have extra money for pretzels. We've talked about it and they
> really prefer not to go to the mall unless a pretzel each is involved.
>
> 2) thrift stores are amazing! We went tonight and before we went in I told
> the kids I only had $5 with me. They were each able to get two or three
> things for only $4. The kids feel like they hit the jackpot (and Megan kind
> of did since she found a Webkinz for $1.50 with an unused online code).
>
> Gwen
>
> On Tue, Apr 26, 2011 at 10:06 AM, DaBreeze21 <susanmay15@...> wrote:
>
> >
> >
> > This is getting long and is a bit vague. I guess I'm still unsure where my
> > boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to
> > support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there
> > are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is
> > right for us financially etc. I do know that the outlook I am trying to
> > embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives
> > I get on this list, so any advice or experience with what has worked with
> > your family would be greatly appreciated. I think I've read before about
> > people that have kids with "big wants" and how to be positive about it. I
> > don't see how making her feel bad about it or her feeling like we say no all
> > the time can be good for her or our relationship.
> >
> > Thanks in advance!
> >
> > Susan
> >
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
wtexans
===I was with my mom and I can tell that she thinks we buy her too much so I'm sure that is influencing how I feel (a little guilty, like I "gave in" or am a softy etc.) My mom and I are close and I do value her opinion a lot.===
I like this quote: "Instead of being my mother's child, I am my child's mother."
When you, your mom, and your daughter are together, when you're feeling concerned about what your mom thinks re: what you do for your daughter, you're being your mother's child more than you're being your child's mother.
I'm close to my mom and I value her opinion, but when it comes to how I parent my son, I value his opinion more than I value my parents'.
My son's 12 now and some of the most internally-stressful parenting moments I've had with him were when we were new to unschooling (when he was about the age your daughter is now) and I allowed my parenting to be influenced by the traditional parenting viewpoints of family members (including comments about us "spoiling" our son by buying him what he wanted whenever we could afford to do so).
As I became more confident with how positive unschooling was for our family, I became more confident in my parenting . . . and that allowed me to truly be my child's mother, even when around my own parents.
Perhaps it might help to think back to your childhood, to think about how you feel about how you were raised. If you were 100% in agreement with how you were raised and you weren't unschooled, would unschooling interest you?
My parents were generous with gifts on our birthdays and at Christmas, but otherwise we rarely received things. We didn't go to the mall, my mom didn't take us to the grocery store with her nor did she bring us treats, we didn't go to record stores or bookstores or toy stores, we didn't go putter around Walmart-type stores "just because". There were people who thought we were spoiled, but it didn't feel that way to me then and it doesn't feel that way in hindsight. I definitely feel a sense of "lack" when I think back to my childhood (not just about material things), and it absolutely has impacted my adulthood, and also my parenting.
I do appreciate some of my parents' parenting choices, very much. And those carry over into my own parenting. But the areas where I felt lack, I'm parenting my son differently in those areas. And it helps me to remember that if I'm feeling negative judgment from one of my parents about how I'm parenting ("spoiling", "giving in", etc.).
It helps me to think in terms of, "I'm HAPPY to be able to do this for my son!", whether that be to buy the bazillionth Pokemon / stuffed animal / video game, or to snuggle with him if he's having a hard time falling asleep, or to help him find game faqs or walk-throughs when he's stuck, or to make a trip to the library to get a book we couldn't find at the bookstore, or . . . or . . . or . . ..
As he's gotten older (he's 12 now), the need to have "everything" or "more" has decreased substantially. He, my husband, and I all receive a certain amount of "fun money" each month, and my son's invariably more thoughtful about how he spends his than I am. I tend to spend mine within a couple days, and, even though I'm more thoughtful about purchases than I used to be, I still have buyer's remorse more than I like. And my son's had buyer's remorse at times too, but at age 12 he is miles ahead than where I was well into my adulthood when it comes to money! I do think that has been impacted tremendously by him not growing up with a feeling of lack.
Glenda
I like this quote: "Instead of being my mother's child, I am my child's mother."
When you, your mom, and your daughter are together, when you're feeling concerned about what your mom thinks re: what you do for your daughter, you're being your mother's child more than you're being your child's mother.
I'm close to my mom and I value her opinion, but when it comes to how I parent my son, I value his opinion more than I value my parents'.
My son's 12 now and some of the most internally-stressful parenting moments I've had with him were when we were new to unschooling (when he was about the age your daughter is now) and I allowed my parenting to be influenced by the traditional parenting viewpoints of family members (including comments about us "spoiling" our son by buying him what he wanted whenever we could afford to do so).
As I became more confident with how positive unschooling was for our family, I became more confident in my parenting . . . and that allowed me to truly be my child's mother, even when around my own parents.
Perhaps it might help to think back to your childhood, to think about how you feel about how you were raised. If you were 100% in agreement with how you were raised and you weren't unschooled, would unschooling interest you?
My parents were generous with gifts on our birthdays and at Christmas, but otherwise we rarely received things. We didn't go to the mall, my mom didn't take us to the grocery store with her nor did she bring us treats, we didn't go to record stores or bookstores or toy stores, we didn't go putter around Walmart-type stores "just because". There were people who thought we were spoiled, but it didn't feel that way to me then and it doesn't feel that way in hindsight. I definitely feel a sense of "lack" when I think back to my childhood (not just about material things), and it absolutely has impacted my adulthood, and also my parenting.
I do appreciate some of my parents' parenting choices, very much. And those carry over into my own parenting. But the areas where I felt lack, I'm parenting my son differently in those areas. And it helps me to remember that if I'm feeling negative judgment from one of my parents about how I'm parenting ("spoiling", "giving in", etc.).
It helps me to think in terms of, "I'm HAPPY to be able to do this for my son!", whether that be to buy the bazillionth Pokemon / stuffed animal / video game, or to snuggle with him if he's having a hard time falling asleep, or to help him find game faqs or walk-throughs when he's stuck, or to make a trip to the library to get a book we couldn't find at the bookstore, or . . . or . . . or . . ..
As he's gotten older (he's 12 now), the need to have "everything" or "more" has decreased substantially. He, my husband, and I all receive a certain amount of "fun money" each month, and my son's invariably more thoughtful about how he spends his than I am. I tend to spend mine within a couple days, and, even though I'm more thoughtful about purchases than I used to be, I still have buyer's remorse more than I like. And my son's had buyer's remorse at times too, but at age 12 he is miles ahead than where I was well into my adulthood when it comes to money! I do think that has been impacted tremendously by him not growing up with a feeling of lack.
Glenda
Sandra Dodd
-=-Of course, if she saw something exceptionally amazing at a garage sale or somewhere we couldn't go back to, and she had almost enough money, we'd probably talk about what we could skip that week to make up the money and buy it. -=-
If there's something so cool that the mom wants to buy it, then the mom should buy it and feel good about that purchase. Allowance can be for things the mom wasn't willing to buy. Allowance can be "do whatever you want with it" and then the mom can feel better buying whatever She wants too!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If there's something so cool that the mom wants to buy it, then the mom should buy it and feel good about that purchase. Allowance can be for things the mom wasn't willing to buy. Allowance can be "do whatever you want with it" and then the mom can feel better buying whatever She wants too!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
For me allowance gave me a greater feeling of freedom to say no if I didn't
think I could cover it or justify it or whatever, but it didn't stop me from
saying yes. Allowance didn't make it all about Simon and Linnaea buying stuff,
still doesn't. I bought Linnaea a book a couple of days ago and Simon one today.
I bought Linnaea a feather boa today. If I notice something that they might like
I tend to get it for them if I can afford it.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 27 April, 2011 20:06:06
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Advice on handling Big Wants in a positive way
-=-Of course, if she saw something exceptionally amazing at a garage sale or
somewhere we couldn't go back to, and she had almost enough money, we'd probably
talk about what we could skip that week to make up the money and buy it. -=-
If there's something so cool that the mom wants to buy it, then the mom should
buy it and feel good about that purchase. Allowance can be for things the mom
wasn't willing to buy. Allowance can be "do whatever you want with it" and then
the mom can feel better buying whatever She wants too!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
think I could cover it or justify it or whatever, but it didn't stop me from
saying yes. Allowance didn't make it all about Simon and Linnaea buying stuff,
still doesn't. I bought Linnaea a book a couple of days ago and Simon one today.
I bought Linnaea a feather boa today. If I notice something that they might like
I tend to get it for them if I can afford it.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 27 April, 2011 20:06:06
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Advice on handling Big Wants in a positive way
-=-Of course, if she saw something exceptionally amazing at a garage sale or
somewhere we couldn't go back to, and she had almost enough money, we'd probably
talk about what we could skip that week to make up the money and buy it. -=-
If there's something so cool that the mom wants to buy it, then the mom should
buy it and feel good about that purchase. Allowance can be for things the mom
wasn't willing to buy. Allowance can be "do whatever you want with it" and then
the mom can feel better buying whatever She wants too!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
DaBreeze21
Hi again!
Just wanted to say thanks for all the input and ideas. I find that my posts here are often muddled which I guess is not surprising because that is why I'm seeking help, I'm not clear in my mind about something. I find it difficult to keep my posts to the point and give enough information too.
Anyways, I had a couple of big aha moments as I thought more about this and things people have said here. One thing that I think that my husband and I need to to do is really sit down and figure out a somewhat clear budget. We've never really done this and it has always been fine for us for a few reasons - we pay off our credit card bills each month, I am not a big "shopper", and our income has been comfortable enough to get along without one. I'm realizing that this is not helping me though because it is not clear at all in my mind what we can "afford" and what we truthfully cannot.
Also I'm not sure where I got the idea of "matching" what my daughter saved, but I'm thinking we may revisit that idea. Overall things have been going well with her allowance, she enjoys it, sometimes spends it right away, sometimes saves it, and really enjoys her purchases. And I think she is starting to understand how much money buys certain things. Also, most or all of this conflict is in my mind and we haven't let negativity affect her I don't think. I do want to work on *our* attitudes about this though and keep it positive - my husband has mentioned that she has "Christmas all year long" a couple of times which doesn't seem like a positive thing to me.
Ok, well thanks again!
Susan
Just wanted to say thanks for all the input and ideas. I find that my posts here are often muddled which I guess is not surprising because that is why I'm seeking help, I'm not clear in my mind about something. I find it difficult to keep my posts to the point and give enough information too.
Anyways, I had a couple of big aha moments as I thought more about this and things people have said here. One thing that I think that my husband and I need to to do is really sit down and figure out a somewhat clear budget. We've never really done this and it has always been fine for us for a few reasons - we pay off our credit card bills each month, I am not a big "shopper", and our income has been comfortable enough to get along without one. I'm realizing that this is not helping me though because it is not clear at all in my mind what we can "afford" and what we truthfully cannot.
Also I'm not sure where I got the idea of "matching" what my daughter saved, but I'm thinking we may revisit that idea. Overall things have been going well with her allowance, she enjoys it, sometimes spends it right away, sometimes saves it, and really enjoys her purchases. And I think she is starting to understand how much money buys certain things. Also, most or all of this conflict is in my mind and we haven't let negativity affect her I don't think. I do want to work on *our* attitudes about this though and keep it positive - my husband has mentioned that she has "Christmas all year long" a couple of times which doesn't seem like a positive thing to me.
Ok, well thanks again!
Susan
wtexans
===my husband has mentioned that she has "Christmas all year long" a couple of times which doesn't seem like a positive thing to me===
Maybe you could ask him, (and I'm not being sarcastic at all here) what is wrong with having Christmas all year long? What does he fear will happen if her life feels like Christmas all year long? Is it a bad thing to experience that kind of happiness other than at Christmas and birthdays?
Perhaps he's worried she will expect to get everything she wants. That is not an uncommon worry for new unschoolers!
The thing is, seeing and experiencing for yourself that she will *not* grow up expecting to get everything she wants is one of those unschooling leaps of faith. Those of us with older kids can tell you that's how it happened with our kids, but until you experience it yourself, it's a leap of faith until you reach that point.
As for the idea of Christmas all year long, we embrace it in our household, not just for our son but also for my husband and myself. But because we do that, Christmas is not the big haul of gifts it was when I was a kid and only received goodies at Christmas and birthdays. My son's Christmas wish list was quite short last year, and my husband and I each only came up with one idea for our lists. We're not wealthy; we're not buying stuff all the time. But we do use our fun money to buy things we want throughout the year, and if that means we have less gifts under the tree at Christmas, we (including our son) are okay at that.
What could you do to help it feel like Christmas all year long for your husband? Not long after last Christmas, I made a lemon pie especially for my husband, a recipe we usually only have at holidays. He was SO thrilled!! In fact, there are several foods that we think of as "holiday foods" that I like to surprise him with randomly throughout the year -- it's a real treat for him, and quite easy for me to do.
Glenda
Maybe you could ask him, (and I'm not being sarcastic at all here) what is wrong with having Christmas all year long? What does he fear will happen if her life feels like Christmas all year long? Is it a bad thing to experience that kind of happiness other than at Christmas and birthdays?
Perhaps he's worried she will expect to get everything she wants. That is not an uncommon worry for new unschoolers!
The thing is, seeing and experiencing for yourself that she will *not* grow up expecting to get everything she wants is one of those unschooling leaps of faith. Those of us with older kids can tell you that's how it happened with our kids, but until you experience it yourself, it's a leap of faith until you reach that point.
As for the idea of Christmas all year long, we embrace it in our household, not just for our son but also for my husband and myself. But because we do that, Christmas is not the big haul of gifts it was when I was a kid and only received goodies at Christmas and birthdays. My son's Christmas wish list was quite short last year, and my husband and I each only came up with one idea for our lists. We're not wealthy; we're not buying stuff all the time. But we do use our fun money to buy things we want throughout the year, and if that means we have less gifts under the tree at Christmas, we (including our son) are okay at that.
What could you do to help it feel like Christmas all year long for your husband? Not long after last Christmas, I made a lemon pie especially for my husband, a recipe we usually only have at holidays. He was SO thrilled!! In fact, there are several foods that we think of as "holiday foods" that I like to surprise him with randomly throughout the year -- it's a real treat for him, and quite easy for me to do.
Glenda
Alex
> Anyways, I had a couple of big aha moments as I thought more about this and things people have said here. One thing that I think that my husband and I need to to do is really sit down and figure out a somewhat clear budget. We've never really done this and it has always been fine for us for a few reasons - we pay off our credit card bills each month, I am not a big "shopper", and our income has been comfortable enough to get along without one. I'm realizing that this is not helping me though because it is not clear at all in my mind what we can "afford" and what we truthfully cannot.________________________
That sounds SO familiar--my husband always has *believed* we could afford things, and have always felt like I needed to live very frugally. But we could always pay the credit card in full, so it wasn't until our fixer project went bad and we had to get serious about the budget that we really had any idea.
The Dave Ramsey website has free printable budget forms. http://www.daveramsey.com/tools/budget-forms/ We're slowly working through this, watching what we *really* spend each month, and which annual/semiannual expenses are predictable.
One thing I've sort of figured out is that each of us has our own allowance for nonessential items for that person alone. I am free to spend part of mine on my daughter or activities, but it's still a concrete number. It's good for my relationship because I don't need to argue with my husband about buying expensive wine or a radio subscription or whatever. He has his allowance and he spends it how he wants. We're working past the dynamic of, "My wife won't let me." And my kid certainly didn't need to be exposed to us arguing over money on that sort of level.
I think as our child gets older, she's likely to have more expensive desires and the more organized we are with our finances, the more able we will be to make big dreams come true. It's scary and mildly inconvenient right now but I am hoping to not pass on my money anxiety. I don't have math anxiety, but I totally have money anxiety!
Lost the Christmas all year round quote, but I wanted to say, I would ask if there's something else he feels like you should be spending that money on. Saving for retirement? Saving for the next car or house or keeping an emergency fund or whatever? Maybe that's behind this partially. Or is it just an emotional/"spoiling" concern issue? You don't need to answer that, just a thought.
Alex N.
DaBreeze21
Thanks for the responses so far they are helpful. I am definitely a little muddled and it shows in my writing.
-=-It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler.-=-
-=-Sometimes you have to put people off. Nobody can get everything right now, not even billionaires.-=-
I guess I meant that it felt disingenuous to repeatedly say over and over, "maybe you can get this for Christmas" knowing full well she would never get all these things. Also I guess for me I feel like it is better not to build up one day or holiday and go really overboard while saying no most of the other time. I would rather be generous as much as possible. I agree that not everyone can have everything they want. I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable. And as someone else has mentioned, the allowance is making it easier for me to set my boundaries and say no when I am not comfortable with things.
-=- Do you have a digital camera?
Maybe you could take pictures of the things she really likes and note where she saw them. If she wishes a week later she still had it, you can go back. If not, she has the photos of beautiful things in the world. Don't call it "Things X wants," but "Beautiful things I saw" or something.-=-
I like this idea. We already have a "wishlist" on Amazon which she LOVES to look at and add things to and it is good for us because there are many things to choose from when we want to get her something! I like the picture idea for when we are out shopping though. I also generally agree that avoiding stores when we don't feel like we have money to spend is beneficial. I'm liking the idea of being more proactive in helping her find things cheaper too - through craigslist, ebay etc. and thrift stores or yard sales.
-=- Also we already have many, MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also that she should spend her money as she c
-=-But that wasn't her money. Three dollars a week doesn't equal $25 on a whim. And matching her funds isn't showing her what $3 will buy, either.-=-
She had $13 saved. I'm definitely rethinking the "matching" her savings every time.
-=-Your question seems to be couched in all-or-nothing ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/balance-=-
I'm trying not to do this but it may be something that I struggle with. I never expected parenting to be such a "struggle"! I always wanted kids, I had a great childhood, actually LOVED school, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, and yet it seems like every decision I am making as a parent takes so much thought! Overall I think it is a good thing - for me it is part of being "mindful." Also my daughter is pushing me in ways I never could have predicted and I am so glad. The best part is that while I struggle and think and analyze I *AM* doing my best to keep our lives and relationship fun and light.
So that you again for the wonderful insights and pushing my thought processes further!
Susan
-=-It was feeling disingenuous to put her off by saying "at Christmas you can get that" which seemed to satisfy when she was littler.-=-
-=-Sometimes you have to put people off. Nobody can get everything right now, not even billionaires.-=-
I guess I meant that it felt disingenuous to repeatedly say over and over, "maybe you can get this for Christmas" knowing full well she would never get all these things. Also I guess for me I feel like it is better not to build up one day or holiday and go really overboard while saying no most of the other time. I would rather be generous as much as possible. I agree that not everyone can have everything they want. I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable. And as someone else has mentioned, the allowance is making it easier for me to set my boundaries and say no when I am not comfortable with things.
-=- Do you have a digital camera?
Maybe you could take pictures of the things she really likes and note where she saw them. If she wishes a week later she still had it, you can go back. If not, she has the photos of beautiful things in the world. Don't call it "Things X wants," but "Beautiful things I saw" or something.-=-
I like this idea. We already have a "wishlist" on Amazon which she LOVES to look at and add things to and it is good for us because there are many things to choose from when we want to get her something! I like the picture idea for when we are out shopping though. I also generally agree that avoiding stores when we don't feel like we have money to spend is beneficial. I'm liking the idea of being more proactive in helping her find things cheaper too - through craigslist, ebay etc. and thrift stores or yard sales.
-=- Also we already have many, MANY stuffed animals but I am trying to appreciate that is her love and also that she should spend her money as she c
-=-But that wasn't her money. Three dollars a week doesn't equal $25 on a whim. And matching her funds isn't showing her what $3 will buy, either.-=-
She had $13 saved. I'm definitely rethinking the "matching" her savings every time.
>Yes, again I agree. That is why I like getting perspectives here. I guess I meant to say that I know no one here can tell me the "right" way for our family. That is something I'm working on myself - wanting someone to tell me the "right" way. I was so good at school and getting the "right" answers! It's much harder to think for yourself. ;-)
> And stuffed animals should not be "her love," as in her only love, or the center of her life. Maybe you and she should do more things with the stuffed animals she has. Play with them. Rearrange them. Find them some accessories around the house, or at thrift stores. Chairs, or beds, or clothes. Props. Jewelry.
>
> -=-I guess I'm still unsure where my boundaries are on this issue. When to say no? when to say not today? How to support her and be generous without going overboard? I also know that there are no "right" answers and that we have to work out in our family what is right for us financially etc. -=-
>
> There are wrong answers. There are better-than-worse answers. Principles. If the principle you're considering is learning, and you're not comfortable with what she might be learning, that's a time to say "not today," and move slightly to the side, while still being supportive.
> -=- I do know that the outlook I am trying to embrace is once again NOT the mainstream and I really value the perspectives I get on this list-=-Again I think I wasn't writing clearly, sorry! It's not my "goal" to be "not mainstream". I just meant that once again I find the practices that I believe are best for our family AREN'T the "normal" mainstream way. One thing I like about this list is how those of you experienced unschoolers emphasize that we still live in the REAL world and that unschooling absolutely does NOT make us or our children "exempt" - from the law, from manners, from being decent people etc.
>
> If your goal is to be "not the mainstream," though, those trains depart in too many directions. You need a new ideal and goal based on principles.
-=-Your question seems to be couched in all-or-nothing ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/balance-=-
I'm trying not to do this but it may be something that I struggle with. I never expected parenting to be such a "struggle"! I always wanted kids, I had a great childhood, actually LOVED school, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, and yet it seems like every decision I am making as a parent takes so much thought! Overall I think it is a good thing - for me it is part of being "mindful." Also my daughter is pushing me in ways I never could have predicted and I am so glad. The best part is that while I struggle and think and analyze I *AM* doing my best to keep our lives and relationship fun and light.
So that you again for the wonderful insights and pushing my thought processes further!
Susan
Sandra Dodd
-=-I guess I meant that it felt disingenuous to repeatedly say over and over, "maybe you can get this for Christmas" knowing full well she would never get all these things.-=-
But "maybe" is "maybe."
You could be keeping a list of things you couldn't afford, and when it's closer to Christmas, ask what she wants the most.
I'm glad the ideas helped but I think saying "Maybe someday" is honest and right, if your other choices are "no" or "yes right now" or "you don't need that."
Sandra
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But "maybe" is "maybe."
You could be keeping a list of things you couldn't afford, and when it's closer to Christmas, ask what she wants the most.
I'm glad the ideas helped but I think saying "Maybe someday" is honest and right, if your other choices are "no" or "yes right now" or "you don't need that."
Sandra
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