To quit or not...
catfish_friend
I have been considering quitting my job though I am currently supporting our family of 4 financially. My current job (freelance) should end in about 5 months when my eldest DD might start kindergarten -- if DH gets his way.
I have been talking with DH about Unschooling our girls (4.75 and 2yo) and it's been an interesting 4 months since we began this discussion.
One of the things DH said once was that I should take the lead on it and "make it happen". Since that time, he has said that he does not support Unschooling, because he saw local homeschoolers/unschoolers at a park day and he got "freaked out" because he thought the kids acted like special needs children and he's worried ours may become awkward and antisocial like the children he observed if they are unschooled.
Unwittingly, since DH has been taking care of our girls full-time while I'm working, he has been shifting towards Unschooling principles.
For example, he does not restrict TV, bedtimes and food the way he used to.
But, he still "falls back" on rules.
Meanwhile, I have become accustomed to focusing on maintaining connection as much as possible when I am not working and saying yes more. It's pretty easy for me to do since I have already seen the real benefit in doing so.
I have also learned to focus on maintaining connection with DH by supporting him emotionally, too, but it is getting complicated.
DD1 points out the differences between me and DH i.e. I let her watch TV with absolutely no restrictions but DH just took away her TV privileges this weekend after DD1 screamed "I hate you!" to DH non-stop on a 2.5 mile bike ride. In talking with DD1, it's clear that what she hates is me being away working so much -- this is the longest job (6 months so far) I've had since I got pregnant with DD1 (longest before this job was 4 months). I am supporting DH's "rules" because I have learned that I need to promote harmony and respect for DH's needs, but I am struggling with balancing that with DD1's needs.
If I quit my job before the job is complete, I run a huge risk of getting blackballed from my industry. All the jobs are freelance and jobs are by word-of-mouth. Quitting a project is an easy way to increase chances of being unemployed.
My work provides health benefits and each month I work buys us a month of expenses after I'm done with my job. My plan is that I finish this job and take care of the girls and hopefully unschool while DH looks for work (though he doesn't get health benefits). If I quit now, I will need to return to work during the school year to get the benefits back as well as for expenses. DH has already said that he is not willing to unschool by himself. He says that he's been "surviving" my unavailability by having predictable routines, using gentle discipline and periodic punishment (taking away of privileges). He feels I undermine everything he's done when I don't enforce the schedule and when I say "yes" to most things. He has expressed that he thinks DD1 is spoiled. I try to consider DH's needs and stay consistent with the way he's doing things, but we are each really beginning to see and do things very differently from the other.
I don't know how much damage is being done to my relationships with my girls by working right now for this long. Also, DH tends to be punishing when the girls don't cooperate or when they hurt his feelings like when DD1 kept saying, "I hate you!" this weekend. I do think there's been a gradual trend by DH to become more unschool-y as he's spending more time with the girls, but it also seems like it has been very exhausting for him. He tends to be controlling, so I can see how he'd be especially tired spending time with the girls.
As I write this, it seems like it should be a cut and dry choice to quit my job and be with the girls, unschool and let DH be the weekend parent, but my work needs to be secure for the future and if I quit, it may very well not be there for me when I'll need to get our benefits going again.
I guess my question is really trying to get to how much damage I'll be doing to my family relationships if I finish this job? And if that's worth it?
DH says that though the girls fuss on many days when I'm leaving, that as soon as I leave, they are fine. And though DD1 says extreme things like she hates her dad, I know that's not true, as we've discussed it.
I know that finishing this job will give us a good financial cushion to unschool next year, but if it comes at too great an emotional cost right now, I may just go ahead and quit...! I would be hard-pressed to make the same income doing anything else. This freelance work is the most lucrative for me which means ultimately less work down the road when I need to pick up some more work, too.
How have other Unschooling parents dealt with affording it and deciding who stays home?
Thanks in advance for your help!
Cheers,
Ceci
Sent from my iDon'tAlwaysHaveItOnPhone
I have been talking with DH about Unschooling our girls (4.75 and 2yo) and it's been an interesting 4 months since we began this discussion.
One of the things DH said once was that I should take the lead on it and "make it happen". Since that time, he has said that he does not support Unschooling, because he saw local homeschoolers/unschoolers at a park day and he got "freaked out" because he thought the kids acted like special needs children and he's worried ours may become awkward and antisocial like the children he observed if they are unschooled.
Unwittingly, since DH has been taking care of our girls full-time while I'm working, he has been shifting towards Unschooling principles.
For example, he does not restrict TV, bedtimes and food the way he used to.
But, he still "falls back" on rules.
Meanwhile, I have become accustomed to focusing on maintaining connection as much as possible when I am not working and saying yes more. It's pretty easy for me to do since I have already seen the real benefit in doing so.
I have also learned to focus on maintaining connection with DH by supporting him emotionally, too, but it is getting complicated.
DD1 points out the differences between me and DH i.e. I let her watch TV with absolutely no restrictions but DH just took away her TV privileges this weekend after DD1 screamed "I hate you!" to DH non-stop on a 2.5 mile bike ride. In talking with DD1, it's clear that what she hates is me being away working so much -- this is the longest job (6 months so far) I've had since I got pregnant with DD1 (longest before this job was 4 months). I am supporting DH's "rules" because I have learned that I need to promote harmony and respect for DH's needs, but I am struggling with balancing that with DD1's needs.
If I quit my job before the job is complete, I run a huge risk of getting blackballed from my industry. All the jobs are freelance and jobs are by word-of-mouth. Quitting a project is an easy way to increase chances of being unemployed.
My work provides health benefits and each month I work buys us a month of expenses after I'm done with my job. My plan is that I finish this job and take care of the girls and hopefully unschool while DH looks for work (though he doesn't get health benefits). If I quit now, I will need to return to work during the school year to get the benefits back as well as for expenses. DH has already said that he is not willing to unschool by himself. He says that he's been "surviving" my unavailability by having predictable routines, using gentle discipline and periodic punishment (taking away of privileges). He feels I undermine everything he's done when I don't enforce the schedule and when I say "yes" to most things. He has expressed that he thinks DD1 is spoiled. I try to consider DH's needs and stay consistent with the way he's doing things, but we are each really beginning to see and do things very differently from the other.
I don't know how much damage is being done to my relationships with my girls by working right now for this long. Also, DH tends to be punishing when the girls don't cooperate or when they hurt his feelings like when DD1 kept saying, "I hate you!" this weekend. I do think there's been a gradual trend by DH to become more unschool-y as he's spending more time with the girls, but it also seems like it has been very exhausting for him. He tends to be controlling, so I can see how he'd be especially tired spending time with the girls.
As I write this, it seems like it should be a cut and dry choice to quit my job and be with the girls, unschool and let DH be the weekend parent, but my work needs to be secure for the future and if I quit, it may very well not be there for me when I'll need to get our benefits going again.
I guess my question is really trying to get to how much damage I'll be doing to my family relationships if I finish this job? And if that's worth it?
DH says that though the girls fuss on many days when I'm leaving, that as soon as I leave, they are fine. And though DD1 says extreme things like she hates her dad, I know that's not true, as we've discussed it.
I know that finishing this job will give us a good financial cushion to unschool next year, but if it comes at too great an emotional cost right now, I may just go ahead and quit...! I would be hard-pressed to make the same income doing anything else. This freelance work is the most lucrative for me which means ultimately less work down the road when I need to pick up some more work, too.
How have other Unschooling parents dealt with affording it and deciding who stays home?
Thanks in advance for your help!
Cheers,
Ceci
Sent from my iDon'tAlwaysHaveItOnPhone
wtexans
===Since that time, he has said that he does not support Unschooling, because he saw local homeschoolers/unschoolers at a park day and he got "freaked out" because he thought the kids acted like special needs children and he's worried ours may become awkward and antisocial like the children he observed if they are unschooled.===
This is the second time you've mentioned something about your husband being concerned your kids will be like the homeschooled/unschooled kids he's seen at park day. If he has the expectation homeschooled/unschooled kids will be awkward and antisocial, those are the behaviors he's going to notice.
Since your prior posts, have you had the opportunity to look into unschooling conferences you all can attend? It might be especially helpful for your husband to be around seasoned unschooling dads.
===I try to consider DH's needs and stay consistent with the way he's doing things, but we are each really beginning to see and do things very differently from the other.===
But isn't it that YOU are the one making the big changes? That's not "we", that's you.
Your husband is the primary caregiver while you are working (according to your prior posts) 60+ hours a week. It's inconsiderate to him and to his role as the primary caregiver, and confusing to your children, for you to parent in a way that is so much different than his that it creates conflict between he and your oldest daughter.
===DH has already said that he is not willing to unschool by himself.===
Your husband has been blunt and honest with you about his position on unschooling, and if you keep pushing for him to move towards something he's not comfortable with or ready for, you run a real risk of jeopardizing your marriage. How big of an option will unschooling be if your marriage is not intact?
Four months is too short a period of time to go from not-unschooling to radically-unschooling. Slow down. Your children are still quite young. Focus on creating a harmonious household, rather than creating disharmony in an attempt to reach an ideal. Be your husband's partner in parenting, especially while he is the primary caregiver. Don't let *your* parenting set things up so that he and your oldest daughter are in such a state of disharmony when he is the at-home parent.
Glenda
This is the second time you've mentioned something about your husband being concerned your kids will be like the homeschooled/unschooled kids he's seen at park day. If he has the expectation homeschooled/unschooled kids will be awkward and antisocial, those are the behaviors he's going to notice.
Since your prior posts, have you had the opportunity to look into unschooling conferences you all can attend? It might be especially helpful for your husband to be around seasoned unschooling dads.
===I try to consider DH's needs and stay consistent with the way he's doing things, but we are each really beginning to see and do things very differently from the other.===
But isn't it that YOU are the one making the big changes? That's not "we", that's you.
Your husband is the primary caregiver while you are working (according to your prior posts) 60+ hours a week. It's inconsiderate to him and to his role as the primary caregiver, and confusing to your children, for you to parent in a way that is so much different than his that it creates conflict between he and your oldest daughter.
===DH has already said that he is not willing to unschool by himself.===
Your husband has been blunt and honest with you about his position on unschooling, and if you keep pushing for him to move towards something he's not comfortable with or ready for, you run a real risk of jeopardizing your marriage. How big of an option will unschooling be if your marriage is not intact?
Four months is too short a period of time to go from not-unschooling to radically-unschooling. Slow down. Your children are still quite young. Focus on creating a harmonious household, rather than creating disharmony in an attempt to reach an ideal. Be your husband's partner in parenting, especially while he is the primary caregiver. Don't let *your* parenting set things up so that he and your oldest daughter are in such a state of disharmony when he is the at-home parent.
Glenda
wtexans
===I guess my question is really trying to get to how much damage I'll be doing to my family relationships if I finish this job? And if that's worth it?===
I don't see your job as being the issue. What I see is that you're pushing for unschooling, pushing faster and harder than your husband is ready for, and THAT is what is damaging your family relationships.
To quit your job now or not is something only you and your husband can decide is the best choice for your family.
If you become the primary caregiver and your husband is working out of the home, if he's still not pro-unschooling and you're still pushing hard for it, there will still be disharmony and conflict!
It's not always financially possible for the breadwinner to walk away from the income + benefits for their job in order to attain their perception of an ideal life (in this instance, unschooling). Struggling to make ends meet and not being able to afford medical care, those are real issues.
If your family cannot afford for you to give up those things right now, shift your focus on finding ways to create harmony and happiness *right now*. You can still work towards unschooling, but rather than taking huge leaps towards it, you can take small, incremental steps.
If your husband is saying "yes" more and limiting less, be happy with that and sit with that for a period of time, until it becomes comfortable for him -- rather than pushing and saying or implying "that's not good enough" or "that's not unschooling enough".
Glenda
I don't see your job as being the issue. What I see is that you're pushing for unschooling, pushing faster and harder than your husband is ready for, and THAT is what is damaging your family relationships.
To quit your job now or not is something only you and your husband can decide is the best choice for your family.
If you become the primary caregiver and your husband is working out of the home, if he's still not pro-unschooling and you're still pushing hard for it, there will still be disharmony and conflict!
It's not always financially possible for the breadwinner to walk away from the income + benefits for their job in order to attain their perception of an ideal life (in this instance, unschooling). Struggling to make ends meet and not being able to afford medical care, those are real issues.
If your family cannot afford for you to give up those things right now, shift your focus on finding ways to create harmony and happiness *right now*. You can still work towards unschooling, but rather than taking huge leaps towards it, you can take small, incremental steps.
If your husband is saying "yes" more and limiting less, be happy with that and sit with that for a period of time, until it becomes comfortable for him -- rather than pushing and saying or implying "that's not good enough" or "that's not unschooling enough".
Glenda
Sandra Dodd
-=-If your family cannot afford for you to give up those things right now, shift your focus on finding ways to create harmony and happiness *right now*. You can still work towards unschooling, but rather than taking huge leaps towards it, you can take small, incremental steps. -=-
Absolutely. If you can't find ways to be happy now, unschooling won't make you happy, either.
http://sandradodd.com/joy (about realizing that it's not other things that make you happy)
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange (about moving more gradually)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Absolutely. If you can't find ways to be happy now, unschooling won't make you happy, either.
http://sandradodd.com/joy (about realizing that it's not other things that make you happy)
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange (about moving more gradually)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ceci
+++++++
Four months is too short a period of time to go from not-unschooling to
radically-unschooling. Slow down. Your children are still quite young. Focus on
creating a harmonious household, rather than creating disharmony in an attempt
to reach an ideal. Be your husband's partner in parenting, especially while he
is the primary caregiver. Don't let *your* parenting set things up so that he
and your oldest daughter are in such a state of disharmony when he is the
at-home parent.
+++++++
You are absolutely right. I feel as though I have been trying to to be my
husband's partner, but clearly, it is my departure from supporting DH fully in
his current full-time caregiver role that is creating the disharmony.
Thanks for the objective perspective.
And slowing down is something I always need to be reminded to do.
Ironically, DH had a long chat with an unschooling mom acquaintance today at the
farmer's market and heard and saw a young girl who had been unschooled now for 3
years. Both the mom and the daughter were enjoying their time together and this
week is week 2 of my older DD's spring break from preschool. DH and DDs have
gotten into more of a natural rhythm of waking since they don't need to get to
school in the mornings and DH was saying how much he was surprised at how
enjoyable NOT taking DD1 to school has been.
Always appreciative for the experience and insight of this list. Thank you!
Ceci
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Four months is too short a period of time to go from not-unschooling to
radically-unschooling. Slow down. Your children are still quite young. Focus on
creating a harmonious household, rather than creating disharmony in an attempt
to reach an ideal. Be your husband's partner in parenting, especially while he
is the primary caregiver. Don't let *your* parenting set things up so that he
and your oldest daughter are in such a state of disharmony when he is the
at-home parent.
+++++++
You are absolutely right. I feel as though I have been trying to to be my
husband's partner, but clearly, it is my departure from supporting DH fully in
his current full-time caregiver role that is creating the disharmony.
Thanks for the objective perspective.
And slowing down is something I always need to be reminded to do.
Ironically, DH had a long chat with an unschooling mom acquaintance today at the
farmer's market and heard and saw a young girl who had been unschooled now for 3
years. Both the mom and the daughter were enjoying their time together and this
week is week 2 of my older DD's spring break from preschool. DH and DDs have
gotten into more of a natural rhythm of waking since they don't need to get to
school in the mornings and DH was saying how much he was surprised at how
enjoyable NOT taking DD1 to school has been.
Always appreciative for the experience and insight of this list. Thank you!
Ceci
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
alma
--- In [email protected], "wtexans" <wtexans@...> wrote:
Observing an unschooling park day is not the same as observing a school playground. Plenty of kids are pulled from school because they don't fit in to a school environment for a whole host of reasons, including school defined special needs. These kids are likely to be more comfortable being who they are at an unschooling park day than at school, but may appear different or odd to an outside, mainstream, observer. Also, unschoolers are less likely to force a child to closely conform to norms regarding dress, hair, "joining-in" and so on. While it is important to conform to wider society, there is a much greater level of freedom from conventions than school allows.
I know that, to conventional eyes, my 8 year old can seem awkward and antisocial. But I also know that he is happy and flourishing in a way that would not be possible at school. There are lots of kids like him at our park days.
I would like to say to the OP's DH that unschooling is not turning kids odd, it is simply allowing all kinds of kids to get on with life without the conforming restraints of school.
Alison
DS(8) and DS(6)
>I think there is more going on than simply his prior beliefs influencing the behaviours he is going to notice. I think there is something different to see.
>
>
> ===Since that time, he has said that he does not support Unschooling, because he saw local homeschoolers/unschoolers at a park day and he got "freaked out" because he thought the kids acted like special needs children and he's worried ours may become awkward and antisocial like the children he observed if they are unschooled.===
>
> This is the second time you've mentioned something about your husband being concerned your kids will be like the homeschooled/unschooled kids he's seen at park day. If he has the expectation homeschooled/unschooled kids will be awkward and antisocial, those are the behaviors he's going to notice.
>
Observing an unschooling park day is not the same as observing a school playground. Plenty of kids are pulled from school because they don't fit in to a school environment for a whole host of reasons, including school defined special needs. These kids are likely to be more comfortable being who they are at an unschooling park day than at school, but may appear different or odd to an outside, mainstream, observer. Also, unschoolers are less likely to force a child to closely conform to norms regarding dress, hair, "joining-in" and so on. While it is important to conform to wider society, there is a much greater level of freedom from conventions than school allows.
I know that, to conventional eyes, my 8 year old can seem awkward and antisocial. But I also know that he is happy and flourishing in a way that would not be possible at school. There are lots of kids like him at our park days.
I would like to say to the OP's DH that unschooling is not turning kids odd, it is simply allowing all kinds of kids to get on with life without the conforming restraints of school.
Alison
DS(8) and DS(6)