Defending families and the partnership of parents
Natarsha Marr
"Defending families and the partnership of parents"
-=-I'm constantly stepping in against the reward-and-punishment stuff and
general disdain [the wife/mom] treats them with -=-
Unfortunately I have been there too! It was unfortunate as my partner felt as
though he was always wrong and couldn't do it 'right' to the point where he
would abandon the situation and nothing would be resolved, let alone in a
'joyful' manner! In trying to respect the kids, I definitely wasn't respecting
him. I had to slow down enough to really see what it washe needed and begin to
respect his needs just as much as the kids.
-=-"I need to clarify on what Dayna has said. I don't think she was suggesting
go 'against' your wife, and even less so 'constantly' . She just meant that
we're better off than most in that one of us has taken up these ideas in
alternative learning, perceptions of children on board, but as you say, she was
clear you go for a better, loving relationship between the parents first. "-=-
This brings me to the following note. At a conference of Dayna's I attended last
year, this statement came up, it was followed with discussions about respecting
that the children will have different relationships with different people,
including their parents (as with any family). I had to really remind myself of
this, and while trying to find solutions for 'everybody' in a respectful way I
also had to accept that their relationship was going to be what it was and I
couldn't control that. I had to learn to let go of this twice, the first time
with my ex-husband and his relationship with our daughter and more recently
again with my partner and his relationship with my now daughter's'. =)Also the
'united front' issue of parenting: that it isn't natural 'in the real
world' that everyone agrees all of the time.
I posted a few months ago as I was having difficulties with my
ex-husband accepting 'unschooling'. We discussed things and all seemed to be OK,
then the cracks started appearing again. Long story short, his discomfort with
unschooling is starting to effect his time with our daughter. After many months
of providing him information and hoping he will feel OK, this did not happen and
left me with the only option I could see presently: I let him know I would
'teach her math' (Math-U-See units) and 'do reading lessons' daily (she is 8 and
he is worried as she isn't at the same level as other children her age). He is
not in a place yet (if ever at all) that he can feel comfortable about our
non-lesson schooling, regardless of all other things she is learning. Out of
respect for his relationship with our daughter, I am about to start lessons in
these two 'subjects' so that their relationship survives. Knowing (as best I
can) that this will take the pressure off their relationship (hopefully) I have
accepted that I will not be a total unschooler, for now. I have discussed these
lessons with Pema, letting her know that her father is concerned and that he is
having trouble understanding our unschooling life. She just says 'OK, I'll do
the lessons.' In a very nonchalant manner (her tone may change when our
curriculum arrives). =) All I can do in that case is try and carve out some
'progress' to 'report' in the most sparkly way possible or get extra creative on
accomplishing daily lessons!
So, yes. With a different slant, families are not worth being torn apart in the
name of 'unschooling'. I sincerely hope that our changes will have a positive
affect on my ex-husband as it would sincerely break my heart to have to live our
lives separated by school 35 hours a week + the rest that goes with it.
-=-It's more important for the children that their parents love and respect each
other than where and how they learn to read.-=-
I always feel sad when I hear this. Perhaps because it would mean I would have
to let go of more than I really truly want to, more than I would want to endure.
A voice in me cries out that I would want my partner to respect what being with
my kids really means to me, I feel that their love for me and my
happiness should be enough to trust me in unschooling. (Unfortunately though
having an ex-husband, I am no longer in such standing with him!). But with my
partner this is how I feel. If you were to compromise something that was such a
huge part of you, something that resonated with your being on such a truthful
and profound level, I wonder if I would be able to withstand any resentment that
most likely would arise... I certainly hope that I never have to find out.
Kindest Regards
Natarsha
Thank you all so very, very much for all of your time, patience and blunt
honesty!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-I'm constantly stepping in against the reward-and-punishment stuff and
general disdain [the wife/mom] treats them with -=-
Unfortunately I have been there too! It was unfortunate as my partner felt as
though he was always wrong and couldn't do it 'right' to the point where he
would abandon the situation and nothing would be resolved, let alone in a
'joyful' manner! In trying to respect the kids, I definitely wasn't respecting
him. I had to slow down enough to really see what it washe needed and begin to
respect his needs just as much as the kids.
-=-"I need to clarify on what Dayna has said. I don't think she was suggesting
go 'against' your wife, and even less so 'constantly' . She just meant that
we're better off than most in that one of us has taken up these ideas in
alternative learning, perceptions of children on board, but as you say, she was
clear you go for a better, loving relationship between the parents first. "-=-
This brings me to the following note. At a conference of Dayna's I attended last
year, this statement came up, it was followed with discussions about respecting
that the children will have different relationships with different people,
including their parents (as with any family). I had to really remind myself of
this, and while trying to find solutions for 'everybody' in a respectful way I
also had to accept that their relationship was going to be what it was and I
couldn't control that. I had to learn to let go of this twice, the first time
with my ex-husband and his relationship with our daughter and more recently
again with my partner and his relationship with my now daughter's'. =)Also the
'united front' issue of parenting: that it isn't natural 'in the real
world' that everyone agrees all of the time.
I posted a few months ago as I was having difficulties with my
ex-husband accepting 'unschooling'. We discussed things and all seemed to be OK,
then the cracks started appearing again. Long story short, his discomfort with
unschooling is starting to effect his time with our daughter. After many months
of providing him information and hoping he will feel OK, this did not happen and
left me with the only option I could see presently: I let him know I would
'teach her math' (Math-U-See units) and 'do reading lessons' daily (she is 8 and
he is worried as she isn't at the same level as other children her age). He is
not in a place yet (if ever at all) that he can feel comfortable about our
non-lesson schooling, regardless of all other things she is learning. Out of
respect for his relationship with our daughter, I am about to start lessons in
these two 'subjects' so that their relationship survives. Knowing (as best I
can) that this will take the pressure off their relationship (hopefully) I have
accepted that I will not be a total unschooler, for now. I have discussed these
lessons with Pema, letting her know that her father is concerned and that he is
having trouble understanding our unschooling life. She just says 'OK, I'll do
the lessons.' In a very nonchalant manner (her tone may change when our
curriculum arrives). =) All I can do in that case is try and carve out some
'progress' to 'report' in the most sparkly way possible or get extra creative on
accomplishing daily lessons!
So, yes. With a different slant, families are not worth being torn apart in the
name of 'unschooling'. I sincerely hope that our changes will have a positive
affect on my ex-husband as it would sincerely break my heart to have to live our
lives separated by school 35 hours a week + the rest that goes with it.
-=-It's more important for the children that their parents love and respect each
other than where and how they learn to read.-=-
I always feel sad when I hear this. Perhaps because it would mean I would have
to let go of more than I really truly want to, more than I would want to endure.
A voice in me cries out that I would want my partner to respect what being with
my kids really means to me, I feel that their love for me and my
happiness should be enough to trust me in unschooling. (Unfortunately though
having an ex-husband, I am no longer in such standing with him!). But with my
partner this is how I feel. If you were to compromise something that was such a
huge part of you, something that resonated with your being on such a truthful
and profound level, I wonder if I would be able to withstand any resentment that
most likely would arise... I certainly hope that I never have to find out.
Kindest Regards
Natarsha
Thank you all so very, very much for all of your time, patience and blunt
honesty!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]