Tina Tarbutton

This came through on my facebook today.
http://www.momlifetoday.com/2011/02/how-to-ruin-your-kid-for-life-a-top-ten-list/

<http://www.momlifetoday.com/2011/02/how-to-ruin-your-kid-for-life-a-top-ten-list/>I
cannot believe the article. I can't believe that people who love their
child would feel like this. The article lists things that sound to me like
good parenting (however some of it is a bit extreme) but the list is
supposed to be "things that will ruin your kids for life."

Number three on the list is. "Place your child�s needs over that of your
spouse�s. If he cries, run to him immediately. If he interrupts, give him
your full attention."

So placing your child's needs above your spouses, and responding to his
cries, will ruin him for life? What? I understand helping a child learn
not to interrupt, but that comes with time.

Number four is, "Entertain your child throughout the day. If she wants to
play tea, put your plans aside. If she wants to watch her favorite movie for
the 100th time, forget your idea for going for a walk and getting some
sunshine."

How is that going to ruin my child for life?

There are lots of other things on there that just tick me off. I want to
comment on the article, but I wonder if it makes sense to. I feel badly for
the kids of those parents.

Tina
--
unschoolinguntitled.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=- "Place your child‚s needs over that of your
spouse‚s. If he cries, run to him immediately. If he interrupts, give him
your full attention."

-=-So placing your child's needs above your spouses, and responding to his
cries, will ruin him for life? -=-

Combining those two is a danger. One is not the other.

Placing a child's needs above your spouses as a rule, as an "always," in such a way that you have a policy of putting your spouse's needs second, can ruin EVERYbody's life. It can keep you from unschooling at all.

So I can't in good conscience say yes OR no to your question. :-)

As to the overall response to the overall article, it's a matter of perspective. If that article shocks you, it shows how far you've come from that sort of mainstream thought. After another ten years or so, you might see it calmly, as a little speck on the horizon, that has nothing to do with what you know from your own experience.

Sandra

Tina Tarbutton

On Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 4:05 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

>
>
> Placing a child's needs above your spouses as a rule, as an "always," in
> such a way that you have a policy of putting your spouse's needs second, can
> ruin EVERYbody's life. It can keep you from unschooling at all.
>
>
Maybe that was my problem with the article, the all or nothing feel to it.
I know everything in the article could be bad if done always, but I think
it could be equally bad if done never.


>
> As to the overall response to the overall article, it's a matter of
> perspective. If that article shocks you, it shows how far you've come from
> that sort of mainstream thought. After another ten years or so, you might
> see it calmly, as a little speck on the horizon, that has nothing to do with
> what you know from your own experience.
>
>
I hope I get to that point, sooner rather than later. Many mainstream
parenting practices seem so unfair to me, so unfair to the children, so
unfair to the family relationships.

I saw an article in Good Housekeeping that started with "Adolescence is the
time in a person's life when a young mind opens . . . and the brains fall
out." What? I immediately wanted to rush to be the savior of teenagers
world wide. How are people so hurtful towards the children they love.

Two years ago that quote wouldn't have bothered me, I wouldn't have given it
a second though. Right now however it just seems wrong on so many levels
and I feel like I have a responsibility to make it right.

Tina
--
unschoolinguntitled.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny Cyphers

***There are lots of other things on there that just tick me off. I want to
comment on the article, but I wonder if it makes sense to. I feel badly for
the kids of those parents.***

I think the best thing to do with articles of that nature is to put it into the
category of "reaffirming my own views" and leave it at that. Lots of people
will read that article and completely agree with it and there is little any one
of us can do about it. So, if you disagree, know why and do something different
and write about what you are doing different. Make it positive and happy and
maybe people will read that and change their mind on something.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

k

>>>Two years ago that quote wouldn't have bothered me, I wouldn't have given it a second though. Right now however it just seems wrong on so many levels and I feel like I have a responsibility to make it right.<<<

Yes. I think it's great to feel that responsibility and to take it to
heart. In your own family. Where it makes a real difference.

That stuff has always bothered me even when it didn't tick me off or
seem like the silliest of hyperboles but it's only in last few years
after having Karl that I could do anything about it. And that's a
great feeling.

And sometimes I can brighten up the sad ones and befriend some of the
kids who are the target of that kind of parenting.

~Katherine

Pam Sorooshian

On 3/9/2011 1:18 PM, Tina Tarbutton wrote:
>
> Two years ago that quote wouldn't have bothered me, I wouldn't have
> given it
> a second though. Right now however it just seems wrong on so many levels

I feel the same way and sometimes I still do get a flash of some kind of
combination of indignant and defensive and angry and sad when I run into
these types of comments or parents behaving meanly to their kids....but....

> and I feel like I have a responsibility to make it right.

That's problematic. You can, if you want, help a lot of people have
better lives. But you can't help people who aren't interested in
changing - if you try, you won't help them and you'll frustrate yourself
and detract from your own life and that of your family, especially if
you get all worked up over all the bad parenting that's out there. That
is a distraction from focusing on doing your OWN best. The very best
thing you can do is make sure your own family is happy. With that as
your base, you will, first and foremost, be a good example, and that's
really THE best way to make headway in changing in the world. Second,
you can keep learning and thinking and clarifying your own understanding
of unschooling and good parenting and then you'll be ready and able to
be clear and articulate when the opportunities do arise for you, when
people come TO you and want to hear from you.

I guess there is a certain amount of becoming more thick-skinned about
how we see other kids being treated, that needs to go along with being
more sensitive and kind to our own kids. That sounds kind of
meanspirited, written out in black and white like that, but I think it
is part of creating a cozy nest for our own family to blossom and giving
that a chance to create a ripple effect.

-pam

plaidpanties666

Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...> wrote:
>>
> Two years ago that quote wouldn't have bothered me, I wouldn't have given it
> a second though. Right now however it just seems wrong on so many levels
> and I feel like I have a responsibility to make it right.

In a few years, you'll get your chance ;) And in the meantime, you can extend thoughtfulness and courtesy to teens you meet. You can be one of the adults who treats teens as people. That's something that can matter in a bigger way than you'll ever know, too. One adult taking a young person seriously, in an atmosphere that's mostly dismissive can be a kind of existential lifeline.

---Meredith