Sex on tv
Tina Tarbutton
My partner recently started watching the series Spartacus on Netflix.
Lots of fighting with strange blood effects, lots of stuff about
slavery, lots of intricate love triangles (and squares and polyamory),
and plenty of nudity and sex. I personally can't directly watch it
because the fighting scenes bother me. I listen to it in the
background while I'm doing other things on the computer.
Draven (our 10 y/o son) popped in tonight and started watching.
Nudity he kind of laughs at or closes his eyes, and during sex scenes
he'll leave and ask us to let him know when they're over. He asked if
he could watch the episodes he's missed and Parker (my partner) told
him he could pull it up on his Xbox. A few minutes later (during a
sex scene that was particularly graphic) I said I'd rather him only
watch it with us and not alone, so that if he saw something and had
questions we were available. He said, "uh, yeah, no, not asking you
questions about sex."
He does ask questions about sex and we discuss it just like everything
else. He's almost 11 and talks a lot about girlfriends, but at the
same time turns his head when a breast is shown for too long on TV.
So he's at the stage where he's starting to see girls as different
from boys, but he's not quite ready to know just how different. Him
and I have had lots of conversations about sex, starting somewhere
around "where do babies come from" and including "if two women can't
have babies, do they have sex." Now that Parker is fully settled into
the role of 2nd mom he tends to ask her most of the questions, since
his father's reaction is "you're too young to know about that."
I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrong
thing to do. I'm not sure why I think it was the wrong thing, but for
some reason I have that nagging "wrong reaction" feeling in the back
of my mind.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
Tina
Lots of fighting with strange blood effects, lots of stuff about
slavery, lots of intricate love triangles (and squares and polyamory),
and plenty of nudity and sex. I personally can't directly watch it
because the fighting scenes bother me. I listen to it in the
background while I'm doing other things on the computer.
Draven (our 10 y/o son) popped in tonight and started watching.
Nudity he kind of laughs at or closes his eyes, and during sex scenes
he'll leave and ask us to let him know when they're over. He asked if
he could watch the episodes he's missed and Parker (my partner) told
him he could pull it up on his Xbox. A few minutes later (during a
sex scene that was particularly graphic) I said I'd rather him only
watch it with us and not alone, so that if he saw something and had
questions we were available. He said, "uh, yeah, no, not asking you
questions about sex."
He does ask questions about sex and we discuss it just like everything
else. He's almost 11 and talks a lot about girlfriends, but at the
same time turns his head when a breast is shown for too long on TV.
So he's at the stage where he's starting to see girls as different
from boys, but he's not quite ready to know just how different. Him
and I have had lots of conversations about sex, starting somewhere
around "where do babies come from" and including "if two women can't
have babies, do they have sex." Now that Parker is fully settled into
the role of 2nd mom he tends to ask her most of the questions, since
his father's reaction is "you're too young to know about that."
I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrong
thing to do. I'm not sure why I think it was the wrong thing, but for
some reason I have that nagging "wrong reaction" feeling in the back
of my mind.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
Tina
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 26, 2011, at 1:04 AM, Tina Tarbutton wrote:
much as suggesting. Suggestions are a good way of throwing out another
point of view for consideration.
But in your mind was your suggestion more of a polite way of asking
which is more of a (falsely) "polite" way of telling kids what to do?
Were you expecting him to only choose to watch with you or not watch
at all? And when he chose option C that's what's thrown you off?
of how important the topic is and how personally invested you feel
that he get the right information and understand the right things in
the right way?
It's possible your partner feels more free to hand him the facts and
trust him to take what he needs from what she says and trust that
he'll ask for more when he needs it. More like a trusted adult friend
than another mom.
Joyce
> I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrongIf you worded it to him as you did in your post, you weren't asking so
> thing to do.
much as suggesting. Suggestions are a good way of throwing out another
point of view for consideration.
But in your mind was your suggestion more of a polite way of asking
which is more of a (falsely) "polite" way of telling kids what to do?
Were you expecting him to only choose to watch with you or not watch
at all? And when he chose option C that's what's thrown you off?
> He said, "uh, yeah, no, not asking youWhen he asks you questions, is he perhaps picking up an emotional vibe
> questions about sex."
of how important the topic is and how personally invested you feel
that he get the right information and understand the right things in
the right way?
It's possible your partner feels more free to hand him the facts and
trust him to take what he needs from what she says and trust that
he'll ask for more when he needs it. More like a trusted adult friend
than another mom.
Joyce
Sandra Dodd
-=-
I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrong
thing to do. I'm not sure why I think it was the wrong thing, but for
some reason I have that nagging "wrong reaction" feeling in the back
of my mind.-=-
Because he had already seen some and was interested, it's hard to say, at that point, "no." It will probably make him very curious as to why the "no." And he might NOT want to be in the room with you during sex scenes because you'll be uncomfortable and fighting scenes, because you're uncomfortable.
Holly asks whether the kid was upset by the "no," and that would make a difference.
Holly says if he has to watch it with his mom there, he won't be able to ignore it and play Lego, or wind forward. Her friend Gilbert says that he won't be paying as much attention to the story as he will be thinking about what his mom thinks about what they're watching.
Holly also points out that if he's learning about sex from Spartacus, it's a lot better (IF he's curious) than a random google image search.
There's some advice from teenagers who happen to be here eating oatmeal with a mom on a Saturday morning.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrong
thing to do. I'm not sure why I think it was the wrong thing, but for
some reason I have that nagging "wrong reaction" feeling in the back
of my mind.-=-
Because he had already seen some and was interested, it's hard to say, at that point, "no." It will probably make him very curious as to why the "no." And he might NOT want to be in the room with you during sex scenes because you'll be uncomfortable and fighting scenes, because you're uncomfortable.
Holly asks whether the kid was upset by the "no," and that would make a difference.
Holly says if he has to watch it with his mom there, he won't be able to ignore it and play Lego, or wind forward. Her friend Gilbert says that he won't be paying as much attention to the story as he will be thinking about what his mom thinks about what they're watching.
Holly also points out that if he's learning about sex from Spartacus, it's a lot better (IF he's curious) than a random google image search.
There's some advice from teenagers who happen to be here eating oatmeal with a mom on a Saturday morning.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tina Tarbutton
On Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 6:28 AM, Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>wrote:
option, it's that I couldn't really come up with an answer to "why?" even
though it was never asked. Why can't he ask questions later, why can't he
choose to not ask questions but still be interested. Of course wondering
about the why didn't really hit me until later. In the end, Parker and I
were ready for bed and he wanted to watch more. Parker knew I wasn't sure
how to handle it so she took over and I left the room to give them some time
to talk. When I came back she told me it would be fine and that he was in
his room watching it. I was okay with that.
with a more guy type answer. He used to ask his father this stuff, until he
got "you're too young" one too many times. From that point, until Parker
was part of our family, he asked me. I'm not sure if that's because of some
emotional vibe I'm giving off. I'm not sure how I would remove that emotion
from the equation. Whenever there's a question she's not sure how to
answer, we all discuss it.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I think that was the nagging feeling for me. It's not that he chose another
>
>
> But in your mind was your suggestion more of a polite way of asking
> which is more of a (falsely) "polite" way of telling kids what to do?
> Were you expecting him to only choose to watch with you or not watch
> at all? And when he chose option C that's what's thrown you off?
>
>
option, it's that I couldn't really come up with an answer to "why?" even
though it was never asked. Why can't he ask questions later, why can't he
choose to not ask questions but still be interested. Of course wondering
about the why didn't really hit me until later. In the end, Parker and I
were ready for bed and he wanted to watch more. Parker knew I wasn't sure
how to handle it so she took over and I left the room to give them some time
to talk. When I came back she told me it would be fine and that he was in
his room watching it. I was okay with that.
>My partner is more like "one of the guys" and I think he's more comfortable
> > He said, "uh, yeah, no, not asking you
> > questions about sex."
>
> When he asks you questions, is he perhaps picking up an emotional vibe
> of how important the topic is and how personally invested you feel
> that he get the right information and understand the right things in
> the right way?
>
> It's possible your partner feels more free to hand him the facts and
> trust him to take what he needs from what she says and trust that
> he'll ask for more when he needs it. More like a trusted adult friend
> than another mom.
>
>
with a more guy type answer. He used to ask his father this stuff, until he
got "you're too young" one too many times. From that point, until Parker
was part of our family, he asked me. I'm not sure if that's because of some
emotional vibe I'm giving off. I'm not sure how I would remove that emotion
from the equation. Whenever there's a question she's not sure how to
answer, we all discuss it.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tina Tarbutton
On Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 10:06 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Parker and Draven both watch way more TV than I do, and they both like some
pretty gory/graphic/violent stuff. I don't mind being in the room with it,
as long as I can distract myself when needed. It doesn't make me
uncomfortable that he's watching it, I just don't like seeing it myself.
Horror movies that have creepy music coupled with screaming make me leave
the room, but typically they'll find a time to watch that when I'm not
around.
This was the first time we've watched something with lots of sex scenes that
are somewhat central to the plot, there's a lot of dialog during some of the
scenes that if missed, would leave out part of the plot line. I don't think
I've had time to process my feelings on him seeing it. I did notice that
when he came in at first and wanted to watch I had no problem with it, a
major change from a few years ago. I'm saying yes way more often and being
comfortable with it, but occasionally I hit a stumbling block where I have
to work through something in my own head.
wasn't ready to stop watching, and we were. At that point we told him to go
ahead, I know Parker had some sort of conversation with him right before he
turned it on in his room, but I'm not sure what that conversation was.
handled. Slaves are told who to sleep with and they have no choice. The
open relationship aspect doesn't bother me when it's open and honest, the
cheating does bother me. The more I think about it the more I wonder if I'm
having a sort of "you're too young to handle this on your own" reaction to
this. I don't feel that way on the surface, but my inner nagging voice is
saying it. That's what I think prompted my initial no, then my unschooling
inner voice piped up.
We're way way way more open with him about sex and sexuality than our
parents ever were. I remember my own Google searches and that was a lot
stranger than sex ed through Spartacus.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I don't think being uncomfortable during the fight scenes effects it.
> Because he had already seen some and was interested, it's hard to say, at
> that point, "no." It will probably make him very curious as to why the "no."
> And he might NOT want to be in the room with you during sex scenes because
> you'll be uncomfortable and fighting scenes, because you're uncomfortable.
>
Parker and Draven both watch way more TV than I do, and they both like some
pretty gory/graphic/violent stuff. I don't mind being in the room with it,
as long as I can distract myself when needed. It doesn't make me
uncomfortable that he's watching it, I just don't like seeing it myself.
Horror movies that have creepy music coupled with screaming make me leave
the room, but typically they'll find a time to watch that when I'm not
around.
This was the first time we've watched something with lots of sex scenes that
are somewhat central to the plot, there's a lot of dialog during some of the
scenes that if missed, would leave out part of the plot line. I don't think
I've had time to process my feelings on him seeing it. I did notice that
when he came in at first and wanted to watch I had no problem with it, a
major change from a few years ago. I'm saying yes way more often and being
comfortable with it, but occasionally I hit a stumbling block where I have
to work through something in my own head.
>He wasn't upset by it when I said it, but later he did mention that he
> Holly asks whether the kid was upset by the "no," and that would make a
> difference.
>
wasn't ready to stop watching, and we were. At that point we told him to go
ahead, I know Parker had some sort of conversation with him right before he
turned it on in his room, but I'm not sure what that conversation was.
>I think my only fear about sex ed through Spartacus is the way sex is
> Holly also points out that if he's learning about sex from Spartacus, it's
> a lot better (IF he's curious) than a random google image search.
>
handled. Slaves are told who to sleep with and they have no choice. The
open relationship aspect doesn't bother me when it's open and honest, the
cheating does bother me. The more I think about it the more I wonder if I'm
having a sort of "you're too young to handle this on your own" reaction to
this. I don't feel that way on the surface, but my inner nagging voice is
saying it. That's what I think prompted my initial no, then my unschooling
inner voice piped up.
We're way way way more open with him about sex and sexuality than our
parents ever were. I remember my own Google searches and that was a lot
stranger than sex ed through Spartacus.
>Tell them I said thanks! It's helping me get my thoughts in line.
> There's some advice from teenagers who happen to be here eating oatmeal
> with a mom on a Saturday morning.
>
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dola dasgupta-banerji
Once Gourika (9) and I were watching this amazing film Holiday, and there
are some moderate love scenes between Cameroon Diaz and Jude Law. She too
closes her eyes while watching those scenes, but overall she liked the film.
So next time she watched it again she simply used the remote to skip the bed
scenes (i just happened to pass by and saw it from the corner of my eyes),
and she still watched the full film, and I guess she figured out that, those
scenes were not the CRUX of the film.
She has asked me how babies come and about sex. So when she met a couple at
our place who do not have children by choice. She asked "don't they have
sex?"
Then I told her about how having babies can be prevented if people use birth
control measures.
The beauty of all this is how one thing leads to another amazing moment
where questions come and can be answered easily.
Dola
On Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 11:34 AM, Tina Tarbutton
<tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
are some moderate love scenes between Cameroon Diaz and Jude Law. She too
closes her eyes while watching those scenes, but overall she liked the film.
So next time she watched it again she simply used the remote to skip the bed
scenes (i just happened to pass by and saw it from the corner of my eyes),
and she still watched the full film, and I guess she figured out that, those
scenes were not the CRUX of the film.
She has asked me how babies come and about sex. So when she met a couple at
our place who do not have children by choice. She asked "don't they have
sex?"
Then I told her about how having babies can be prevented if people use birth
control measures.
The beauty of all this is how one thing leads to another amazing moment
where questions come and can be answered easily.
Dola
On Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 11:34 AM, Tina Tarbutton
<tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> My partner recently started watching the series Spartacus on Netflix.
> Lots of fighting with strange blood effects, lots of stuff about
> slavery, lots of intricate love triangles (and squares and polyamory),
> and plenty of nudity and sex. I personally can't directly watch it
> because the fighting scenes bother me. I listen to it in the
> background while I'm doing other things on the computer.
>
> Draven (our 10 y/o son) popped in tonight and started watching.
> Nudity he kind of laughs at or closes his eyes, and during sex scenes
> he'll leave and ask us to let him know when they're over. He asked if
> he could watch the episodes he's missed and Parker (my partner) told
> him he could pull it up on his Xbox. A few minutes later (during a
> sex scene that was particularly graphic) I said I'd rather him only
> watch it with us and not alone, so that if he saw something and had
> questions we were available. He said, "uh, yeah, no, not asking you
> questions about sex."
>
> He does ask questions about sex and we discuss it just like everything
> else. He's almost 11 and talks a lot about girlfriends, but at the
> same time turns his head when a breast is shown for too long on TV.
> So he's at the stage where he's starting to see girls as different
> from boys, but he's not quite ready to know just how different. Him
> and I have had lots of conversations about sex, starting somewhere
> around "where do babies come from" and including "if two women can't
> have babies, do they have sex." Now that Parker is fully settled into
> the role of 2nd mom he tends to ask her most of the questions, since
> his father's reaction is "you're too young to know about that."
>
> I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrong
> thing to do. I'm not sure why I think it was the wrong thing, but for
> some reason I have that nagging "wrong reaction" feeling in the back
> of my mind.
>
> Thanks in advance for any advice!
>
> Tina
>
>
k
>>>I'm wondering if asking him to only watch it with us was the wrong thing to do.<<<I like how your child maybe sees these things as private. And it's
such a personal thing that I don't want to let my concerns about
"right" or "wrong" interfere for Karl because it's reassuring to know
how he's doing by relaxing as much as I can about the subject. We have
some cool conversations.
~Katherine