support for a friend / staying safe.
Ellie
Hi,
I am new to this forum. I have been reading for about or 4 months and am
both encouraged and challenged. And happy to have found such thoughtful
discussions.
I have just listened to Sandra's and Richard Prystowsky 'Peaceful Parenting'
audio which was wonderful. My husband and MIL were listening too...:)
It is also a little serendipitous because I have this ongoing conflict that
I would like some other opinions on concerning peaceful parenting and 'being
safe' as discussed in by Sandra in the Audio.
I have a good friend who is an extremely troubled, marriage. Things are
moving toward a climax of some sort (my friend is in the process of working
out how to extricate herself) and the threat of escalated violence toward my
friend by the husband has increased. He has in the past been violent and
recently threatened to be so again, in front of the children. The children
have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
the time.
They also live in the roughest area of our city and the children are exposed
to violence on the streets too. The neighbourhood children and my friend's
children run around and on the occasions when my children and I were there I
had to work really hard to ensure that I knew where they were and what was
going on; in as much as if I let them go play with my friend's children it
meant going around the neighbourhood and perhaps even to other people's
houses.....people my friend knows but whom I do not. My friend is a
wonderful person in a rotten situation. Her children are 14, 12, 8 and 5.
The first 3 are boys and the eldest one verbally abuses his mother regularly
and has started to do so physically. The second has started to verbally
abuse his mother too.
I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.
There is something about what happens over at their house however; the boys
get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to the
question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong..........the question
is quite simply, should I allow my son to hang out with these boys? Here or
There?
I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way.
I would like to do the best I can by my friend (who really needs all the
support she can get) and by her son. I would love to be, and am working
toward being, the one whose house the friends of my children choose to come
to and frankly at the moment that is not going to happen unless I chill out
a bit (lot).
Plus, I find my son's behaviour and attitude really difficult to deal with
after one of these visits from his friend.
I am confused, since I am not sure if this is a place to begin the work on
myself that I know needs doing regarding being cool around ALL children, not
just my own and more importantly my friend could do with the support; she
has today asked me to have the two younger boys to stay at the end of this
week. This wouldn't be quite so bad but my husband, whom I have asked to be
around when they visited for the last few months or so, is working away.
I feel really confused.
I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....
I am also asking myself what my actions say to my eldest son? How do I
allow his choices and keep him safe in this situation?
Finally, my younger son and my older son ALWAYS argue in a way that they
never do when my friend's boys aren't here.
I also have a two year old baby.
Any thoughts, questions or ideas would be very much appreciated.
Regards
Ellie Walker.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am new to this forum. I have been reading for about or 4 months and am
both encouraged and challenged. And happy to have found such thoughtful
discussions.
I have just listened to Sandra's and Richard Prystowsky 'Peaceful Parenting'
audio which was wonderful. My husband and MIL were listening too...:)
It is also a little serendipitous because I have this ongoing conflict that
I would like some other opinions on concerning peaceful parenting and 'being
safe' as discussed in by Sandra in the Audio.
I have a good friend who is an extremely troubled, marriage. Things are
moving toward a climax of some sort (my friend is in the process of working
out how to extricate herself) and the threat of escalated violence toward my
friend by the husband has increased. He has in the past been violent and
recently threatened to be so again, in front of the children. The children
have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
the time.
They also live in the roughest area of our city and the children are exposed
to violence on the streets too. The neighbourhood children and my friend's
children run around and on the occasions when my children and I were there I
had to work really hard to ensure that I knew where they were and what was
going on; in as much as if I let them go play with my friend's children it
meant going around the neighbourhood and perhaps even to other people's
houses.....people my friend knows but whom I do not. My friend is a
wonderful person in a rotten situation. Her children are 14, 12, 8 and 5.
The first 3 are boys and the eldest one verbally abuses his mother regularly
and has started to do so physically. The second has started to verbally
abuse his mother too.
I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.
There is something about what happens over at their house however; the boys
get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to the
question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong..........the question
is quite simply, should I allow my son to hang out with these boys? Here or
There?
I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way.
I would like to do the best I can by my friend (who really needs all the
support she can get) and by her son. I would love to be, and am working
toward being, the one whose house the friends of my children choose to come
to and frankly at the moment that is not going to happen unless I chill out
a bit (lot).
Plus, I find my son's behaviour and attitude really difficult to deal with
after one of these visits from his friend.
I am confused, since I am not sure if this is a place to begin the work on
myself that I know needs doing regarding being cool around ALL children, not
just my own and more importantly my friend could do with the support; she
has today asked me to have the two younger boys to stay at the end of this
week. This wouldn't be quite so bad but my husband, whom I have asked to be
around when they visited for the last few months or so, is working away.
I feel really confused.
I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....
I am also asking myself what my actions say to my eldest son? How do I
allow his choices and keep him safe in this situation?
Finally, my younger son and my older son ALWAYS argue in a way that they
never do when my friend's boys aren't here.
I also have a two year old baby.
Any thoughts, questions or ideas would be very much appreciated.
Regards
Ellie Walker.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stephanie LaBarge
-=-The children
have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
the time. -=-
I can see that you are sympathetic to your friend's situation, but if she is
violent, your children should not be around her. Period.
-=-They also live in the roughest area of our city and the children are exposed
to violence on the streets too. The neighbourhood children and my friend's
children run around and on the occasions when my children and I were there I
had to work really hard to ensure that I knew where they were and what was
going on; in as much as if I let them go play with my friend's children it
meant going around the neighbourhood and perhaps even to other people's
houses.....people my friend knows but whom I do not.-=-
Invite the kids to play at your house.
-=- My friend is a
wonderful person in a rotten situation. Her children are 14, 12, 8 and 5.
The first 3 are boys and the eldest one verbally abuses his mother regularly
and has started to do so physically. The second has started to verbally
abuse his mother too. -=-
You care about her and feel bad for her situation, but it doesn't sound like the
way she handles her situation is always "wonderful". I don't think people
usually "end up" in rotten situations, quite often there are choices that led
them there. The children seem to be repeating those choices, and it does not
sound like a situation I would want my children around.
-=-I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.-=-
That sounds like a wise choice, and Sunny's request affirms it.
-=-I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....-=-
Support does not mean enable or allowing her to behave badly because she is "in
a bad situation". I think your discomfort might be coming from not wanting her
to feel bad, but that is not going to help her. Support as in "there there,
it's going to be all right...you are a wonderful person" is not helpful.
Support is sometimes saying, "you are my friend, but you can't do that."
Support is encouraging her get her connected to resources that can help her
manage her anger and her circumstances.
Steph L.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
the time. -=-
I can see that you are sympathetic to your friend's situation, but if she is
violent, your children should not be around her. Period.
-=-They also live in the roughest area of our city and the children are exposed
to violence on the streets too. The neighbourhood children and my friend's
children run around and on the occasions when my children and I were there I
had to work really hard to ensure that I knew where they were and what was
going on; in as much as if I let them go play with my friend's children it
meant going around the neighbourhood and perhaps even to other people's
houses.....people my friend knows but whom I do not.-=-
Invite the kids to play at your house.
-=- My friend is a
wonderful person in a rotten situation. Her children are 14, 12, 8 and 5.
The first 3 are boys and the eldest one verbally abuses his mother regularly
and has started to do so physically. The second has started to verbally
abuse his mother too. -=-
You care about her and feel bad for her situation, but it doesn't sound like the
way she handles her situation is always "wonderful". I don't think people
usually "end up" in rotten situations, quite often there are choices that led
them there. The children seem to be repeating those choices, and it does not
sound like a situation I would want my children around.
-=-I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.-=-
That sounds like a wise choice, and Sunny's request affirms it.
-=-I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....-=-
Support does not mean enable or allowing her to behave badly because she is "in
a bad situation". I think your discomfort might be coming from not wanting her
to feel bad, but that is not going to help her. Support as in "there there,
it's going to be all right...you are a wonderful person" is not helpful.
Support is sometimes saying, "you are my friend, but you can't do that."
Support is encouraging her get her connected to resources that can help her
manage her anger and her circumstances.
Steph L.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I have a good friend who is an extremely troubled, marriage. Things are
moving toward a climax of some sort (my friend is in the process of working
out how to extricate herself) and the threat of escalated violence toward my
friend by the husband has increased. He has in the past been violent and
recently threatened to be so again, in front of the children. The children
have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
the time. -=-
First, you might remind your friend that if she divorces, sometimes the children will be with their father without her being allowed in or anywhere near. He might find another partner, or even remarry, and that person might be violent too. I think divorce isn't a magical cure for a bad neighborhood (where the father might still live) or for the father's influence (which can rarely be eliminated).
http://sandradodd.com/divorce
That said, the mother isn't an unschooler and so her situation isn't the main point of discussion.
-=-I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.-=-
If one went so far as to ask that, others might also have thought it.
-=-There is something about what happens over at their house however; the boys
get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to the
question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong.-=-
The scientific or clear-thinking thing to do would be to find other streets, other run-around places, and see if the behavior has to do with that or the other family. More than once. If he likes more urban surroundings, find other opportunities for him to be in that way, while he's still younger. He's older than 8. I don't know how much older. Practice being in a city with you might be good, before he becomes a teen or near-adult and wants to go there sometimes without you, for music or other things.
-=-I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way. -=-
You could say "Cut the violent talk at my house." Do it without removing your gaze. Do it kindly, but firmly. Don't ask him if he minds or if it's okay. Let him know that if he wants to be at your house, there are conditions. If he can't or won't try to cut back on that, don't have him over at all. If he doesn't respect your concerns in your own house, he's a danger to have there.
-=-I would like to do the best I can by my friend (who really needs all the
support she can get) and by her son.-=-
Find her a 12-step program (if appropriate) or a victims-of-violence support group of some sort if you can. Find out when the meetings are. Find her literature or web pages. Don't offer your own family up as more fuel for that fire.
-=-I am confused, since I am not sure if this is a place to begin the work on
myself that I know needs doing regarding being cool around ALL children, not
just my own and more importantly my friend could do with the support-=-
Why should you be cool around ALL children?
Why should by even consider being cool around one child at the expense of the peace of your own home?
-=-she
has today asked me to have the two younger boys to stay at the end of this
week. This wouldn't be quite so bad but my husband, whom I have asked to be
around when they visited for the last few months or so, is working away. -=-
If it's the younger ones, and you stay close and make clear that they need to play nicely if they want to ever come back again, it might be a good time for you to consider the cost and effect of having them there, and to also gauge the possibility of your influencing them. They have environment and genetics. You have confusion and children you want to keep safe. Having them over (without the oldest kids) might not be a bad thing, while you're in the midst of these thoughts.
-=-Finally, my younger son and my older son ALWAYS argue in a way that they
never do when my friend's boys aren't here.-=-
My suggestions:
Talk to your boys separately in advance. Ask the younger one if there are things you could do to help him. Maybe arrange a secret signal for him to let you know he wants assistance without "tattling." But don't be so far away that the argument can go past a single exchange before you're involved.
Talk to your older boy and say you know the visit changes the dynamics, but that you want him to be a good host and help keep peace in the house.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
moving toward a climax of some sort (my friend is in the process of working
out how to extricate herself) and the threat of escalated violence toward my
friend by the husband has increased. He has in the past been violent and
recently threatened to be so again, in front of the children. The children
have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
the time. -=-
First, you might remind your friend that if she divorces, sometimes the children will be with their father without her being allowed in or anywhere near. He might find another partner, or even remarry, and that person might be violent too. I think divorce isn't a magical cure for a bad neighborhood (where the father might still live) or for the father's influence (which can rarely be eliminated).
http://sandradodd.com/divorce
That said, the mother isn't an unschooler and so her situation isn't the main point of discussion.
-=-I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.-=-
If one went so far as to ask that, others might also have thought it.
-=-There is something about what happens over at their house however; the boys
get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to the
question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong.-=-
The scientific or clear-thinking thing to do would be to find other streets, other run-around places, and see if the behavior has to do with that or the other family. More than once. If he likes more urban surroundings, find other opportunities for him to be in that way, while he's still younger. He's older than 8. I don't know how much older. Practice being in a city with you might be good, before he becomes a teen or near-adult and wants to go there sometimes without you, for music or other things.
-=-I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way. -=-
You could say "Cut the violent talk at my house." Do it without removing your gaze. Do it kindly, but firmly. Don't ask him if he minds or if it's okay. Let him know that if he wants to be at your house, there are conditions. If he can't or won't try to cut back on that, don't have him over at all. If he doesn't respect your concerns in your own house, he's a danger to have there.
-=-I would like to do the best I can by my friend (who really needs all the
support she can get) and by her son.-=-
Find her a 12-step program (if appropriate) or a victims-of-violence support group of some sort if you can. Find out when the meetings are. Find her literature or web pages. Don't offer your own family up as more fuel for that fire.
-=-I am confused, since I am not sure if this is a place to begin the work on
myself that I know needs doing regarding being cool around ALL children, not
just my own and more importantly my friend could do with the support-=-
Why should you be cool around ALL children?
Why should by even consider being cool around one child at the expense of the peace of your own home?
-=-she
has today asked me to have the two younger boys to stay at the end of this
week. This wouldn't be quite so bad but my husband, whom I have asked to be
around when they visited for the last few months or so, is working away. -=-
If it's the younger ones, and you stay close and make clear that they need to play nicely if they want to ever come back again, it might be a good time for you to consider the cost and effect of having them there, and to also gauge the possibility of your influencing them. They have environment and genetics. You have confusion and children you want to keep safe. Having them over (without the oldest kids) might not be a bad thing, while you're in the midst of these thoughts.
-=-Finally, my younger son and my older son ALWAYS argue in a way that they
never do when my friend's boys aren't here.-=-
My suggestions:
Talk to your boys separately in advance. Ask the younger one if there are things you could do to help him. Maybe arrange a secret signal for him to let you know he wants assistance without "tattling." But don't be so far away that the argument can go past a single exchange before you're involved.
Talk to your older boy and say you know the visit changes the dynamics, but that you want him to be a good host and help keep peace in the house.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dola dasgupta-banerji
Well you need to get one thing clear out here. You need not drag your kids
into this unpleasant scenario. She is your friend. So dealing with her
'without' the kids and your husband is a good idea.
And you need to stop expression of 'violent words and actions" by simply
telling this kid to cut it out, firmly or else he is not welcome.
Ease off the interactions slowly for the children. You need to protect only
your children. Her children are her responsibility not yours.
Being sympathetic is good but you do not have to disturb the peace of your
household for this.
Ask your friend to seek professional help. You might not be that help she
really needs.
Dola
into this unpleasant scenario. She is your friend. So dealing with her
'without' the kids and your husband is a good idea.
And you need to stop expression of 'violent words and actions" by simply
telling this kid to cut it out, firmly or else he is not welcome.
Ease off the interactions slowly for the children. You need to protect only
your children. Her children are her responsibility not yours.
Being sympathetic is good but you do not have to disturb the peace of your
household for this.
Ask your friend to seek professional help. You might not be that help she
really needs.
Dola
On Sun, Feb 20, 2011 at 3:25 PM, Ellie <elliep@...> wrote:
>
>
> Hi,
>
> I am new to this forum. I have been reading for about or 4 months and am
> both encouraged and challenged. And happy to have found such thoughtful
> discussions.
>
> I have just listened to Sandra's and Richard Prystowsky 'Peaceful
> Parenting'
> audio which was wonderful. My husband and MIL were listening too...:)
>
> It is also a little serendipitous because I have this ongoing conflict that
> I would like some other opinions on concerning peaceful parenting and
> 'being
> safe' as discussed in by Sandra in the Audio.
>
> I have a good friend who is an extremely troubled, marriage. Things are
> moving toward a climax of some sort (my friend is in the process of working
> out how to extricate herself) and the threat of escalated violence toward
> my
> friend by the husband has increased. He has in the past been violent and
> recently threatened to be so again, in front of the children. The children
> have also been subjected by my friend to violent acts like smacking and
> other acts of uncontrolled anger as the result of stress on the part of my
> friend. The father also smacks as a result of anger but is absent a lot of
> the time.
>
> They also live in the roughest area of our city and the children are
> exposed
> to violence on the streets too. The neighbourhood children and my friend's
> children run around and on the occasions when my children and I were there
> I
> had to work really hard to ensure that I knew where they were and what was
> going on; in as much as if I let them go play with my friend's children it
> meant going around the neighbourhood and perhaps even to other people's
> houses.....people my friend knows but whom I do not. My friend is a
> wonderful person in a rotten situation. Her children are 14, 12, 8 and 5.
> The first 3 are boys and the eldest one verbally abuses his mother
> regularly
> and has started to do so physically. The second has started to verbally
> abuse his mother too.
>
> I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
> son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.
>
> There is something about what happens over at their house however; the boys
> get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
> and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
> etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
> attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
> enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
> should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to
> the
> question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong..........the question
> is quite simply, should I allow my son to hang out with these boys? Here or
> There?
>
> I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
> older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
> pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
> and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
> that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way.
>
> I would like to do the best I can by my friend (who really needs all the
> support she can get) and by her son. I would love to be, and am working
> toward being, the one whose house the friends of my children choose to come
> to and frankly at the moment that is not going to happen unless I chill out
> a bit (lot).
>
> Plus, I find my son's behaviour and attitude really difficult to deal with
> after one of these visits from his friend.
>
> I am confused, since I am not sure if this is a place to begin the work on
> myself that I know needs doing regarding being cool around ALL children,
> not
> just my own and more importantly my friend could do with the support; she
> has today asked me to have the two younger boys to stay at the end of this
> week. This wouldn't be quite so bad but my husband, whom I have asked to be
> around when they visited for the last few months or so, is working away.
>
> I feel really confused.
>
> I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....
>
> I am also asking myself what my actions say to my eldest son? How do I
> allow his choices and keep him safe in this situation?
>
> Finally, my younger son and my older son ALWAYS argue in a way that they
> never do when my friend's boys aren't here.
>
> I also have a two year old baby.
>
> Any thoughts, questions or ideas would be very much appreciated.
>
> Regards
>
> Ellie Walker.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***There is something about what happens over at their house however; the boys
get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to the
question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong..........the question
is quite simply, should I allow my son to hang out with these boys? Here or
There? ***
He's 14 and wanting a peer crowd. He's found one that is convenient. It's not
an ideal one, and he might even recognize that IF he had something to compare it
to. Can he find other friends with less to deal with? There is a fine line in
which to follow on how much of dysfunctional others one allows into their lives.
How has he been thus far in picking friends? Does he generally pick decent
ones? Does he have good people instincts? How often does he get to use his
people skills? How often does he have social outlets to pick and choose from?
Freedom to run around is soooo important to some kids, especially when they are
in the early teens! Find a way to help that happen without having to do that in
a bad neighborhood with not very nice kids. One of the best adventure starters
for my daughter was late night concerts. She could go with friends, get there
on her own, be IN a location, stay for many hours, stay out late, get a little
adventure afterwards on the way home, and have fun with music. Sometimes the
location of the venues were downtown or across town, so it felt like she was in
the middle of the city action. It was hugely important!
***I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.***
If one of your children has asked you not to play over there, then you shouldn't
do so. Do NOT go over there if one of your kids is uncomfortable! That should
be your compass. YOU are already expressing discomfort and one of your kids
are, so that's enough.
***I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way.***
You could be the person who shows him that it isn't normal or acceptable
behavior by not allowing it in your home. You can tell him to keep it in
another room and away from you and the younger kids.
***I would love to be, and am working
toward being, the one whose house the friends of my children choose to come
to and frankly at the moment that is not going to happen unless I chill out
a bit (lot).***
That's my house. The reason it is that way is because our house is happy and
peaceful, even when it's loud and wild with lots of people. You don't have to
allow anybody into your home, you don't have to allow any behavior in your home.
For me, if behavior of others disrupts the happy peace of my home, I don't want
it here. I can't have it here.
Being able to be calm and peaceful helps. I did figure out that I needed to be
that way in order to be the kind of place that people come to because it is calm
and peaceful. There are lots of teens that come here and call it home because
their own homes aren't that great. Kids will rise to the behavior that's set
before them. One of the biggest factors for behavior, is how people treat the
youngest child in the house. It's completely non negotiable. If someone comes
here and routinely treats our youngest child poorly, then they don't get asked
back after a few trials.
***I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....***
You can support her in other ways. You don't need to watch her kids. You can
find her services that offer help, you can be a listening ear, you can let her
stash belongings in your garage, but you don't need to be her landing spot. I
know that sounds harsh. She will find somewhere to go and it doesn't have to be
with you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
get to run about the streets (we live in the country), perhaps the tension
and the one-upmanship, the regular use of bad language by the young boys
etc....it is extremely difficult to describe why my son would find this
attractive, suffice perhaps at the moment to state that he has always
enjoyed 'power'....being powerful, and perhaps this is the kernel which I
should investigate....however, I am not sure whether this is relevant to the
question at this point...and perhaps I have it wrong..........the question
is quite simply, should I allow my son to hang out with these boys? Here or
There? ***
He's 14 and wanting a peer crowd. He's found one that is convenient. It's not
an ideal one, and he might even recognize that IF he had something to compare it
to. Can he find other friends with less to deal with? There is a fine line in
which to follow on how much of dysfunctional others one allows into their lives.
How has he been thus far in picking friends? Does he generally pick decent
ones? Does he have good people instincts? How often does he get to use his
people skills? How often does he have social outlets to pick and choose from?
Freedom to run around is soooo important to some kids, especially when they are
in the early teens! Find a way to help that happen without having to do that in
a bad neighborhood with not very nice kids. One of the best adventure starters
for my daughter was late night concerts. She could go with friends, get there
on her own, be IN a location, stay for many hours, stay out late, get a little
adventure afterwards on the way home, and have fun with music. Sometimes the
location of the venues were downtown or across town, so it felt like she was in
the middle of the city action. It was hugely important!
***I have stopped going to her house with my children to play. My second
son, Sunny 8 asked not to play at their house again.***
If one of your children has asked you not to play over there, then you shouldn't
do so. Do NOT go over there if one of your kids is uncomfortable! That should
be your compass. YOU are already expressing discomfort and one of your kids
are, so that's enough.
***I would also like to add that I find it really hard to have the boy who my
older son likes around since all he speaks of is violence and stuff that
pushes my buttons. I see however, that I am the adult and he is the child
and at my house at least speaking about these things is perhaps something
that I could learn to deal with in a productive/calm/supportive/ (?) way.***
You could be the person who shows him that it isn't normal or acceptable
behavior by not allowing it in your home. You can tell him to keep it in
another room and away from you and the younger kids.
***I would love to be, and am working
toward being, the one whose house the friends of my children choose to come
to and frankly at the moment that is not going to happen unless I chill out
a bit (lot).***
That's my house. The reason it is that way is because our house is happy and
peaceful, even when it's loud and wild with lots of people. You don't have to
allow anybody into your home, you don't have to allow any behavior in your home.
For me, if behavior of others disrupts the happy peace of my home, I don't want
it here. I can't have it here.
Being able to be calm and peaceful helps. I did figure out that I needed to be
that way in order to be the kind of place that people come to because it is calm
and peaceful. There are lots of teens that come here and call it home because
their own homes aren't that great. Kids will rise to the behavior that's set
before them. One of the biggest factors for behavior, is how people treat the
youngest child in the house. It's completely non negotiable. If someone comes
here and routinely treats our youngest child poorly, then they don't get asked
back after a few trials.
***I want to support my friend and yet...........I am not sure....***
You can support her in other ways. You don't need to watch her kids. You can
find her services that offer help, you can be a listening ear, you can let her
stash belongings in your garage, but you don't need to be her landing spot. I
know that sounds harsh. She will find somewhere to go and it doesn't have to be
with you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]