Hanging out with non-unschoolers TV/computer issues
sheeboo2
I know this has been addressed before, recently even, but I'm not having much luck finding the thread in the archives. If others are too busy to revisit, and you know where the thread is, could you send me a link, please?
I'm needing some input on how do deal with kids who come over who don't have freedom at home in regards to computer and TV time and so are drawn to those things at our house. My daughter had a heartbreaking visit with a dear friend last week who wanted to watch movies or play on the computer the whole time he was here. She cried for a long time after he left, because she felt like he didn't love her anymore. I suggested that *I* can say no to TV/computers when he's here next time, but she doesn't want him to think I'm mean, and I think she's afraid that he won't want to come over again if he can't use the computer. I don't think that would really happen though. She *is* his favorite friend and vice-versa.
What has worked in your homes when this crops up?
Has anyone tried talking to the other mom in these cases? She has been reading Sandra's book lately, so maybe she'd be open to a conversation. If so, how could I approach it without sounding like I'm judging her parenting choices? In the past, she's asked that they not watch/play for more than a few minutes, so I've been able to default to that, but the last time, he just kept pushing and asking my dd to go get my iPhone so they could "sneak." I don't want to "rat" him out either, if that makes sense.
Thanks!
Brie
I'm needing some input on how do deal with kids who come over who don't have freedom at home in regards to computer and TV time and so are drawn to those things at our house. My daughter had a heartbreaking visit with a dear friend last week who wanted to watch movies or play on the computer the whole time he was here. She cried for a long time after he left, because she felt like he didn't love her anymore. I suggested that *I* can say no to TV/computers when he's here next time, but she doesn't want him to think I'm mean, and I think she's afraid that he won't want to come over again if he can't use the computer. I don't think that would really happen though. She *is* his favorite friend and vice-versa.
What has worked in your homes when this crops up?
Has anyone tried talking to the other mom in these cases? She has been reading Sandra's book lately, so maybe she'd be open to a conversation. If so, how could I approach it without sounding like I'm judging her parenting choices? In the past, she's asked that they not watch/play for more than a few minutes, so I've been able to default to that, but the last time, he just kept pushing and asking my dd to go get my iPhone so they could "sneak." I don't want to "rat" him out either, if that makes sense.
Thanks!
Brie
Sandra Dodd
-=-Has anyone tried talking to the other mom in these cases? She has been reading Sandra's book lately, so maybe she'd be open to a conversation. If so, how could I approach it without sounding like I'm judging her parenting choices? In the past, she's asked that they not watch/play for more than a few minutes, so I've been able to default to that, but the last time, he just kept pushing and asking my dd to go get my iPhone so they could "sneak." I don't want to "rat" him out either, if that makes sense.-=-
When younger kids would come to my house, I really did NOT like being the enforcer of their parents' rules. If you tell the mom, she might just tell the child "You can't watch TV when you're there," or tell you "Just don't let him." That might not add to the peace.
I would talk to the child. Let him pick one movie, and tell him he needs to play other things the rest of the time, perhaps.
Or take the two of them out to another whole place where there's no tv or movies, so they're together and playing, and then go to your house and let them watch TV.
Sandra
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When younger kids would come to my house, I really did NOT like being the enforcer of their parents' rules. If you tell the mom, she might just tell the child "You can't watch TV when you're there," or tell you "Just don't let him." That might not add to the peace.
I would talk to the child. Let him pick one movie, and tell him he needs to play other things the rest of the time, perhaps.
Or take the two of them out to another whole place where there's no tv or movies, so they're together and playing, and then go to your house and let them watch TV.
Sandra
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Sandra Dodd
-=-Has anyone tried talking to the other mom in these cases-=-
I did talk to my friend Carol, but kind of the other way around. When Kirby was five he would visit with her four kids, but he only wanted to play Nintendo. They had one they kept in the closet and brought out when the kids requested it. Kirby always asked for it. When it was time to leave, he would cry because he hadn't wanted to play with the kids. So we bought him a Nintendo, and I told Carol why, and after that he played with her kids (who weren't big into Nintendo, particularly) and came home and played Mario and Ninja Turtles.
What didn't translate, though, was that when Carol's kids came to our house, they wanted to watch TV if it was on. They would pass by the TV on the way to Kirby's room, and if there was ANYthing on, they stood mesmerized and couldn't proceed. So I learned to turn the TV off and usher them happily to a pre-arranged exciting activity so that they were already playing before they thought about the TV.
Sandra
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I did talk to my friend Carol, but kind of the other way around. When Kirby was five he would visit with her four kids, but he only wanted to play Nintendo. They had one they kept in the closet and brought out when the kids requested it. Kirby always asked for it. When it was time to leave, he would cry because he hadn't wanted to play with the kids. So we bought him a Nintendo, and I told Carol why, and after that he played with her kids (who weren't big into Nintendo, particularly) and came home and played Mario and Ninja Turtles.
What didn't translate, though, was that when Carol's kids came to our house, they wanted to watch TV if it was on. They would pass by the TV on the way to Kirby's room, and if there was ANYthing on, they stood mesmerized and couldn't proceed. So I learned to turn the TV off and usher them happily to a pre-arranged exciting activity so that they were already playing before they thought about the TV.
Sandra
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plaidpanties666
Sometimes it helps to have other things to offer right away - games or activities, even snacks! Generally when I can do that, the kids might still play video games or watch a movie, but its later when they need a break anyway.
With one of Mo's friends we've experimented with putting the controllers for the video games away before the visit - this is someone who tends to fight with Mo over the games (I mean they both fight, its not just him). This last time, though, she didn't want to do that so I talked with her a little bit about ways to accomodate company. I didn't make a rule "always do what company wants" (I grew up with that one) but I did talk about hospitality and how it's kind and generous to let friends take the lead a bit - and with video games that means having the "number one" controller.
---Meredith
With one of Mo's friends we've experimented with putting the controllers for the video games away before the visit - this is someone who tends to fight with Mo over the games (I mean they both fight, its not just him). This last time, though, she didn't want to do that so I talked with her a little bit about ways to accomodate company. I didn't make a rule "always do what company wants" (I grew up with that one) but I did talk about hospitality and how it's kind and generous to let friends take the lead a bit - and with video games that means having the "number one" controller.
---Meredith
sheeboo2
----Sometimes it helps to have other things to offer right away - games or activities, even snacks!----
It is kind of a tradition already for us to set up tea and snacks for his arrival. And I do make sure the TV and computer are off before he arrives. This last time though, as soon as his mom was out the door, he asked if I could put on Plants Vs. Zombies for them.
I've also set up things or directed them to activities, which works great with other kids, but no so well with this one. Typically, he likes to play deep imaginative games and isn't too into artsy/creative stuff. What other kinds of activities might you suggest? He's not big on going outside in the cold, either, and typically turns that down. I did try redirecting to a blanket fort, but again, no dice.
Any ideas? Maybe make sure we have some stellar pre-game world set up?
---Generally when I can do that, the kids might still play video games or watch a movie, but its later when they need a break anyway.----
That's usually how it has played out here too. They play like mad for a few hours and watch/computer for the last bit when they're tuckered out.
----This last time, though, she didn't want to do that so I talked with her a little bit about ways to accommodate company. I didn't make a rule "always do what company wants" (I grew up with that one) but I did talk about hospitality and how it's kind and generous to let friends take the lead a bit - and with video games that means having the "number one" controller. --
That's interesting because when Noor and I talked, she said that it would be mean to not do what her guest wanted. I don't think I've ever used the "what company wants" line either, although we've also had talks about what being a gracious host looks like. In the past, if she's gotten upset and needed some time to chill out before returning to playing, he has said things like, "I didn't come over here to watch you cry," so maybe she's transferring that to thinking that he *is* coming here to play with the computer.
Sandra suggested meeting elsewhere, so I'm wondering if it might just be easier, for now, to meet at his house. Noor adores his mom, so I don't think that in itself would be a problem.
Thanks,
Brie
It is kind of a tradition already for us to set up tea and snacks for his arrival. And I do make sure the TV and computer are off before he arrives. This last time though, as soon as his mom was out the door, he asked if I could put on Plants Vs. Zombies for them.
I've also set up things or directed them to activities, which works great with other kids, but no so well with this one. Typically, he likes to play deep imaginative games and isn't too into artsy/creative stuff. What other kinds of activities might you suggest? He's not big on going outside in the cold, either, and typically turns that down. I did try redirecting to a blanket fort, but again, no dice.
Any ideas? Maybe make sure we have some stellar pre-game world set up?
---Generally when I can do that, the kids might still play video games or watch a movie, but its later when they need a break anyway.----
That's usually how it has played out here too. They play like mad for a few hours and watch/computer for the last bit when they're tuckered out.
----This last time, though, she didn't want to do that so I talked with her a little bit about ways to accommodate company. I didn't make a rule "always do what company wants" (I grew up with that one) but I did talk about hospitality and how it's kind and generous to let friends take the lead a bit - and with video games that means having the "number one" controller. --
That's interesting because when Noor and I talked, she said that it would be mean to not do what her guest wanted. I don't think I've ever used the "what company wants" line either, although we've also had talks about what being a gracious host looks like. In the past, if she's gotten upset and needed some time to chill out before returning to playing, he has said things like, "I didn't come over here to watch you cry," so maybe she's transferring that to thinking that he *is* coming here to play with the computer.
Sandra suggested meeting elsewhere, so I'm wondering if it might just be easier, for now, to meet at his house. Noor adores his mom, so I don't think that in itself would be a problem.
Thanks,
Brie
Sandra Dodd
-=-Sandra suggested meeting elsewhere, so I'm wondering if it might just be easier, for now, to meet at his house. Noor adores his mom, so I don't think that in itself would be a problem.-=-
I didn't mean a house. I meant a neutral, public place. :-)
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I didn't mean a house. I meant a neutral, public place. :-)
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Robin Bentley
>But if Noor is sensitive to her friend, could meeting and playing at
> Sandra suggested meeting elsewhere, so I'm wondering if it might
> just be easier, for now, to meet at his house. Noor adores his mom,
> so I don't think that in itself would be a problem.
>
their house could be troublesome if his mom is controlling? Even if
she adores his mom? Just wondering.
How about going out somewhere, to a hands-on museum or to see a movie
together?
Robin B.
Sandra Dodd
-=-How about going out somewhere, to a hands-on museum or to see a movie
together?-=-
Right.
A mall to ride the elevators and have a pretzel. A bowling alley. Bookstore with a story hour. Library. Laser tag. Fast-food restaurant with a play area. Chuck E. Cheese.
Sandra
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together?-=-
Right.
A mall to ride the elevators and have a pretzel. A bowling alley. Bookstore with a story hour. Library. Laser tag. Fast-food restaurant with a play area. Chuck E. Cheese.
Sandra
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Robin Bentley
> -=-Has anyone tried talking to the other mom in these cases-=-I'm curious - was the Nintendo "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" until the
>
> I did talk to my friend Carol, but kind of the other way around.
> When Kirby was five he would visit with her four kids, but he only
> wanted to play Nintendo. They had one they kept in the closet and
> brought out when the kids requested it.
kids asked because maybe the parents hoped they wouldn't?
> What didn't translate, though, was that when Carol's kids came toWas TV restricted at Carol's house? Weren't they unschoolers, too?
> our house, they wanted to watch TV if it was on. They would pass by
> the TV on the way to Kirby's room, and if there was ANYthing on,
> they stood mesmerized and couldn't proceed.
> So I learned to turn the TV off and usher them happily to a pre-That was because your kids wanted to play with them, not that you were
> arranged exciting activity so that they were already playing before
> they thought about the TV.
enforcing the other mom's no-TV restrictions, right? If there were
restrictions, that is.
Robin B.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm curious - was the Nintendo "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" until the
kids asked because maybe the parents hoped they wouldn't?-=-
Probably. Partly their house was tiny, and they kept things put away.
-=-Was TV restricted at Carol's house? Weren't they unschoolers, too?-=-
It was put away like the Nintendo was. They were unschoolers. But the dad wanted the TV out more and the mom didn't. And though I like everyone in their whole family, and I'm not wanting to give more details or take sides, but they ended up divorced. :-/ Not right soon, but halfway between then and now.
When a mom says no to a dad about something as simple as whether he can watch TV, it makes him one of the kids. Or maybe in line after the kids, and that's not a great plan.
-=-That was because your kids wanted to play with them, not that you were
enforcing the other mom's no-TV restrictions, right? If there were
restrictions, that is.-=-
Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV. When it was the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of Nintendo playing so when he got to their house he would play outside. It wasn't to keep the TV from them for their mom's benefit. She was fine with them watching TVat our house, and at her house sometimes. It wasn't a ban, it was an inconveniencing. They asked for the TV the same way they would ask for art supplies or playdough.
Sandra
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kids asked because maybe the parents hoped they wouldn't?-=-
Probably. Partly their house was tiny, and they kept things put away.
-=-Was TV restricted at Carol's house? Weren't they unschoolers, too?-=-
It was put away like the Nintendo was. They were unschoolers. But the dad wanted the TV out more and the mom didn't. And though I like everyone in their whole family, and I'm not wanting to give more details or take sides, but they ended up divorced. :-/ Not right soon, but halfway between then and now.
When a mom says no to a dad about something as simple as whether he can watch TV, it makes him one of the kids. Or maybe in line after the kids, and that's not a great plan.
-=-That was because your kids wanted to play with them, not that you were
enforcing the other mom's no-TV restrictions, right? If there were
restrictions, that is.-=-
Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV. When it was the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of Nintendo playing so when he got to their house he would play outside. It wasn't to keep the TV from them for their mom's benefit. She was fine with them watching TVat our house, and at her house sometimes. It wasn't a ban, it was an inconveniencing. They asked for the TV the same way they would ask for art supplies or playdough.
Sandra
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sheeboo2
Robin:---How about going out somewhere, to a hands-on museum or to see a movie
together?----
Sandra: ---Right.
A mall to ride the elevators and have a pretzel. A bowling alley. Bookstore
with a story hour. Library. Laser tag. Fast-food restaurant with a play
area. Chuck E. Cheese-----
I hear what you both are saying: get away from the draw of the computer/TV. It makes sense. But, in a way, that brings me back to bits of the other thread going on (at least the bits I got from it ;)--what about when kids (Noor) just want to PLAY, at home?
So it comes back to the "better" choice, yes? In this case, the better choice is to move the meeting elsewhere or face stress at home, even if that means not being able to play like Noor wants to, like they used to?
I guess I just don't like that answer...boo...I want there to be a better better way!
Like talking to mom about what her controls are doing so she eases them!
She isn't really a controlling person, she's just worried/scared that her son has no "real" interests or drive or motivation (her words) and I think the limiting media comes from there, from thinking it is a "waste of time" (okay, that is controlling). His schedule is pretty full of activities for that same reason too, I think--fear of floundering. Thankfully, she does really value play, especially the way our kiddos played together in the past. Which is why talking to her seemed like it may be worth a shot.
From another reply, about Carol's kids:
---Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV. When it was
the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of Nintendo playing
so when he got to their house he would play outside.----
THIS is what I wish I could ask the other mom for--is that too far out?
Off to go pout,
Brie
together?----
Sandra: ---Right.
A mall to ride the elevators and have a pretzel. A bowling alley. Bookstore
with a story hour. Library. Laser tag. Fast-food restaurant with a play
area. Chuck E. Cheese-----
I hear what you both are saying: get away from the draw of the computer/TV. It makes sense. But, in a way, that brings me back to bits of the other thread going on (at least the bits I got from it ;)--what about when kids (Noor) just want to PLAY, at home?
So it comes back to the "better" choice, yes? In this case, the better choice is to move the meeting elsewhere or face stress at home, even if that means not being able to play like Noor wants to, like they used to?
I guess I just don't like that answer...boo...I want there to be a better better way!
Like talking to mom about what her controls are doing so she eases them!
She isn't really a controlling person, she's just worried/scared that her son has no "real" interests or drive or motivation (her words) and I think the limiting media comes from there, from thinking it is a "waste of time" (okay, that is controlling). His schedule is pretty full of activities for that same reason too, I think--fear of floundering. Thankfully, she does really value play, especially the way our kiddos played together in the past. Which is why talking to her seemed like it may be worth a shot.
From another reply, about Carol's kids:
---Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV. When it was
the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of Nintendo playing
so when he got to their house he would play outside.----
THIS is what I wish I could ask the other mom for--is that too far out?
Off to go pout,
Brie
Robin Bentley
> ---Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV.But that's not within your power, really. Sandra not only filled Kirby
> When it was
> the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of
> Nintendo playing
> so when he got to their house he would play outside.----
>
> THIS is what I wish I could ask the other mom for--is that too far
> out?
up with what he needed before he went to the other house, she also
moved the friends to something other than the TV at her house. Can you
do that second part?
Robin B.
Sandra Dodd
-=-
I hear what you both are saying: get away from the draw of the computer/TV. It makes sense. But, in a way, that brings me back to bits of the other thread going on (at least the bits I got from it ;)--what about when kids (Noor) just want to PLAY, at home? -=-
If her desire to just play at home involves controlling or limiting a visitor, though, it goes beyond what the mom can clearly provide.
-=-Like talking to mom about what her controls are doing so she eases them! -=-
But you're a mom who could ease her own desire to control Noor's visitor. :-) Or his mom!
-=-Thankfully, she does really value play, especially the way our kiddos played together in the past. Which is why talking to her seemed like it may be worth a shot.
From another reply, about Carol's kids:
---Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV. When it was
the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of Nintendo playing
so when he got to their house he would play outside.----
I didn't do it because someone else asked me to, though. I figured it out myself.
-=-THIS is what I wish I could ask the other mom for--is that too far out?-=-
It wouldn't hurt to ask her, I guess!
Sandra
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I hear what you both are saying: get away from the draw of the computer/TV. It makes sense. But, in a way, that brings me back to bits of the other thread going on (at least the bits I got from it ;)--what about when kids (Noor) just want to PLAY, at home? -=-
If her desire to just play at home involves controlling or limiting a visitor, though, it goes beyond what the mom can clearly provide.
-=-Like talking to mom about what her controls are doing so she eases them! -=-
But you're a mom who could ease her own desire to control Noor's visitor. :-) Or his mom!
-=-Thankfully, she does really value play, especially the way our kiddos played together in the past. Which is why talking to her seemed like it may be worth a shot.
From another reply, about Carol's kids:
---Right. My kid wanted to play, and their kids wanted to watch TV. When it was
the other way around, we arranged for Kirby to get his fill of Nintendo playing
so when he got to their house he would play outside.----
I didn't do it because someone else asked me to, though. I figured it out myself.
-=-THIS is what I wish I could ask the other mom for--is that too far out?-=-
It wouldn't hurt to ask her, I guess!
Sandra
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