how to talk to kids (contradiction/balance)
Sandra Dodd
In a side e-mail to an unschooling mom, I feel like I contradicted myself, or that the mom who read it will think I did. I knew what I was thinking, but in case it didn't come through and make sense, I was hoping for some clarifying discussion here. The two statements I made in opposite ends of the same note are here:
**Talk to him as you would a friend your own age, not as a mom trying to praise and reassure a kid.**
and
**I know some parents discuss with their children why they're discussing with their children what they're discussing. Very meta-discussion. Kids are too young to be back stage. If you tell them what you're doing and why, I think it's too much for them to consider. And asking him whether you could ask other moms for ideas to help him is in the direction of too much information. BE the best mom you can be, and try not to talk about what the best mom would do.**
Once there was an acquaintance who wanted to be my friend (not homeschooling related at all) was pushing hard, and I was pulling away a bit, just seeing her when our larger social group was together, being friendly but not intending to be her best friend or anything. She called me and said she wanted us to meet up, to discuss our friendship. She had three young children and I did too. She wanted us both to get babysitters, and go to lunch or something, to discuss our relationship. I said I thought we should just let it develop gradually and naturally. What I didn't say was I would rather be with my kids than with with her. Depending on her ability to perceive such things, she might have known that anyway.
We were eventually better friends (naturally and gradually) but I never relaxed around her and didn't like the way she treated her kids (or mine, much).
That sticks in my mind, though, as too much discussion. There is natural ebb and flow between people, and some of it shouldn't be discussed or measured.
What I wrote up above is kids are too young to be back stage, and also talk to him as you would a friend. I don't think those are contradictory, but they sure do LOOK contradictory.
This whole list involves "back stage," in a way. :-) It has an aspect of theatre craft, of how to arrange and set up and present and maintain unschooling. Setting the stage for learning, in a way.
If I told my husband "I'm going to be extra nice to you today because it's the last day for a long time before your surgery and recuperation," it would be too much talking. I'll just be extra nice to him instead.
The last line of the larger quote, "BE the best mom you can be, and try not to talk about what the best mom would do," was referring to talking to the child about it. Not about this list. :-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
**Talk to him as you would a friend your own age, not as a mom trying to praise and reassure a kid.**
and
**I know some parents discuss with their children why they're discussing with their children what they're discussing. Very meta-discussion. Kids are too young to be back stage. If you tell them what you're doing and why, I think it's too much for them to consider. And asking him whether you could ask other moms for ideas to help him is in the direction of too much information. BE the best mom you can be, and try not to talk about what the best mom would do.**
Once there was an acquaintance who wanted to be my friend (not homeschooling related at all) was pushing hard, and I was pulling away a bit, just seeing her when our larger social group was together, being friendly but not intending to be her best friend or anything. She called me and said she wanted us to meet up, to discuss our friendship. She had three young children and I did too. She wanted us both to get babysitters, and go to lunch or something, to discuss our relationship. I said I thought we should just let it develop gradually and naturally. What I didn't say was I would rather be with my kids than with with her. Depending on her ability to perceive such things, she might have known that anyway.
We were eventually better friends (naturally and gradually) but I never relaxed around her and didn't like the way she treated her kids (or mine, much).
That sticks in my mind, though, as too much discussion. There is natural ebb and flow between people, and some of it shouldn't be discussed or measured.
What I wrote up above is kids are too young to be back stage, and also talk to him as you would a friend. I don't think those are contradictory, but they sure do LOOK contradictory.
This whole list involves "back stage," in a way. :-) It has an aspect of theatre craft, of how to arrange and set up and present and maintain unschooling. Setting the stage for learning, in a way.
If I told my husband "I'm going to be extra nice to you today because it's the last day for a long time before your surgery and recuperation," it would be too much talking. I'll just be extra nice to him instead.
The last line of the larger quote, "BE the best mom you can be, and try not to talk about what the best mom would do," was referring to talking to the child about it. Not about this list. :-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]