More on deschooling/relationship/jealousy
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Things escalated between my children since sending my first message. My two older children started hurting eachother I think not coincidentally while I was nursing the baby.
My 5 yo started shushing the baby when she was crying and getting close to her face in a threatening way (however she tried to appear as though it was playful).
I stopped them the best I could while nursing and moved the baby away from my 5 yo after she started shushing her.
When all was calm, I asked my oldest what I could do with her or for her to make her happy. She said the only things to make her happy are going to the park (she meant outside), chuckie cheese (my 3 yo terrified of the mouse), monkey joes (my 3 yo afraid of enclosed bouncy things and the monkey), sledding (baby hates hats, hoods, and cold), or pool outside (it is freezing here).
Just got a monitor in the mail today. I could possibly take older kids outside during baby's first nap. I think I have been through this before with my oldest. I am guessing that tomorrow when I tell her it is a good time to go out in the back to sled she will say, "no thanks".
It seems like she is seeing the glass as half empty. She is focused on all of the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and is unwilling to offer another alternative.
Is there a way I can help her through this?
Michelle
My 5 yo started shushing the baby when she was crying and getting close to her face in a threatening way (however she tried to appear as though it was playful).
I stopped them the best I could while nursing and moved the baby away from my 5 yo after she started shushing her.
When all was calm, I asked my oldest what I could do with her or for her to make her happy. She said the only things to make her happy are going to the park (she meant outside), chuckie cheese (my 3 yo terrified of the mouse), monkey joes (my 3 yo afraid of enclosed bouncy things and the monkey), sledding (baby hates hats, hoods, and cold), or pool outside (it is freezing here).
Just got a monitor in the mail today. I could possibly take older kids outside during baby's first nap. I think I have been through this before with my oldest. I am guessing that tomorrow when I tell her it is a good time to go out in the back to sled she will say, "no thanks".
It seems like she is seeing the glass as half empty. She is focused on all of the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and is unwilling to offer another alternative.
Is there a way I can help her through this?
Michelle
Sandra Dodd
-=-Things escalated between my children since sending my first message. My two older children started hurting eachother I think not coincidentally while I was nursing the baby. -=-
This is not about unschooling, though.
-=-When all was calm, I asked my oldest what I could do with her or for her to make her happy.-=-
It's too much responsibility for her to know, at five, what will make her happy.
You can't put that responsibility on her and make it HER fault if she's not happy.
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
There are TONS of ideas there. Don't ask her. Do some of those things. You, the mom, be interested and interesting.
http://sandradodd.com/strewing
Rearrange things. Bring cool things out. If the first link above doesn't give you lots of ideas, go back to the second, and back to the first. Get more videos. put on happy music.
-=-I think I have been through this before with my oldest.-=-
You think?
-=-It seems like she is seeing the glass as half empty. She is focused on all of the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and is unwilling to offer another alternative.-=-
It seems like you-the-mom are seeing the glass as completely empty. Fill it up. See what you have, not what you don't. Your children are whole and mobile (the older two, anyway), right? They can hear, see, speak, walk?
-=-Is there a way I can help her through this?-=-
See above. Don't see it as a thing she needs help getting through, but see her as whole and fine and right and good right now, only in a situation that's insufficiently stimulating and interesting.
http://sandradodd.com/nest
If the ideas above don't seem helpful, I don't think it can be considered at all unschooling related.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This is not about unschooling, though.
-=-When all was calm, I asked my oldest what I could do with her or for her to make her happy.-=-
It's too much responsibility for her to know, at five, what will make her happy.
You can't put that responsibility on her and make it HER fault if she's not happy.
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
There are TONS of ideas there. Don't ask her. Do some of those things. You, the mom, be interested and interesting.
http://sandradodd.com/strewing
Rearrange things. Bring cool things out. If the first link above doesn't give you lots of ideas, go back to the second, and back to the first. Get more videos. put on happy music.
-=-I think I have been through this before with my oldest.-=-
You think?
-=-It seems like she is seeing the glass as half empty. She is focused on all of the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and is unwilling to offer another alternative.-=-
It seems like you-the-mom are seeing the glass as completely empty. Fill it up. See what you have, not what you don't. Your children are whole and mobile (the older two, anyway), right? They can hear, see, speak, walk?
-=-Is there a way I can help her through this?-=-
See above. Don't see it as a thing she needs help getting through, but see her as whole and fine and right and good right now, only in a situation that's insufficiently stimulating and interesting.
http://sandradodd.com/nest
If the ideas above don't seem helpful, I don't think it can be considered at all unschooling related.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
It might be worth mentioning again something I wrote earlier today and have
been struck by several times today. It seems to me that a major crux in
getting unschooling is to see the need for attention as very normal and part
of the drive in children to keep the parent/child connection alive and
breathing and well. Once a child gives up and ceases asking for attention,
it may signal estrangement or the beginning of disconnection that will need
healing.
Take heart in this seeming overage of attention-seeking behavior. It means
the desire and ability that makes unschooling work exist in your family. The
potential for greater connection and living and learning is there, ready to
be tapped into. One of the many things your children (and YOU) will learn is
how this attention-need works for you all, what it does for your family
dynamics, and how to create peace from that seemingly chaotic need/drive.
It's like the electricity that powers unschooling in your family. Vibrancy.
~Katherine
been struck by several times today. It seems to me that a major crux in
getting unschooling is to see the need for attention as very normal and part
of the drive in children to keep the parent/child connection alive and
breathing and well. Once a child gives up and ceases asking for attention,
it may signal estrangement or the beginning of disconnection that will need
healing.
Take heart in this seeming overage of attention-seeking behavior. It means
the desire and ability that makes unschooling work exist in your family. The
potential for greater connection and living and learning is there, ready to
be tapped into. One of the many things your children (and YOU) will learn is
how this attention-need works for you all, what it does for your family
dynamics, and how to create peace from that seemingly chaotic need/drive.
It's like the electricity that powers unschooling in your family. Vibrancy.
~Katherine
On Fri, Jan 14, 2011 at 11:06 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> -=-Things escalated between my children since sending my first message. My
> two older children started hurting eachother I think not coincidentally
> while I was nursing the baby. -=-
>
> This is not about unschooling, though.
>
> -=-When all was calm, I asked my oldest what I could do with her or for her
> to make her happy.-=-
>
> It's too much responsibility for her to know, at five, what will make her
> happy.
> You can't put that responsibility on her and make it HER fault if she's not
> happy.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
> There are TONS of ideas there. Don't ask her. Do some of those things.
> You, the mom, be interested and interesting.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/strewing
> Rearrange things. Bring cool things out. If the first link above doesn't
> give you lots of ideas, go back to the second, and back to the first. Get
> more videos. put on happy music.
>
> -=-I think I have been through this before with my oldest.-=-
>
> You think?
>
> -=-It seems like she is seeing the glass as half empty. She is focused on
> all of the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and
> is unwilling to offer another alternative.-=-
>
> It seems like you-the-mom are seeing the glass as completely empty. Fill
> it up. See what you have, not what you don't. Your children are whole and
> mobile (the older two, anyway), right? They can hear, see, speak, walk?
>
> -=-Is there a way I can help her through this?-=-
>
> See above. Don't see it as a thing she needs help getting through, but see
> her as whole and fine and right and good right now, only in a situation
> that's insufficiently stimulating and interesting.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/nest
>
> If the ideas above don't seem helpful, I don't think it can be considered
> at all unschooling related.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***It seems like she is seeing the glass as half empty. She is focused on all of
the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and is
unwilling to offer another alternative.
Is there a way I can help her through this?***
Can you do stuff with her to occupy her energy and time? Things that don't
require planning? I used to make playdough a lot, and I'd get all kinds of
things to use with it, and sometimes if that didn't satisfy, I'd help take
imprints of textures all around the house.
I'd say, don't plan, just DO. I know spontaneity is hard with a baby, but I
used to wear my baby around the house to do stuff with my older child. She
never napped, so I couldn't wait for that. If she fell asleep, she'd be on my
body, so I never needed to tear myself away to check on a sleeping baby or run
and get her when she awoke and cried.
What about really long baths with movies and different sets of toys?
Don't ask your small child what you can do to make her happy, just pull out fun
projects and interesting toys, be on the floor more. Play music and use
scarves. Those are all things I did to keep my kids happy and engaged.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the things she cannot do without planning and without daddy home and is
unwilling to offer another alternative.
Is there a way I can help her through this?***
Can you do stuff with her to occupy her energy and time? Things that don't
require planning? I used to make playdough a lot, and I'd get all kinds of
things to use with it, and sometimes if that didn't satisfy, I'd help take
imprints of textures all around the house.
I'd say, don't plan, just DO. I know spontaneity is hard with a baby, but I
used to wear my baby around the house to do stuff with my older child. She
never napped, so I couldn't wait for that. If she fell asleep, she'd be on my
body, so I never needed to tear myself away to check on a sleeping baby or run
and get her when she awoke and cried.
What about really long baths with movies and different sets of toys?
Don't ask your small child what you can do to make her happy, just pull out fun
projects and interesting toys, be on the floor more. Play music and use
scarves. Those are all things I did to keep my kids happy and engaged.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
You're in the midst of a big transitional period and transitions are hard - even harder for little kids. Its natural to expect some upheavals. You've turned your kids' lives upside down, adding another person to their world, a person who is taking up a lot of your time and attention. To help your older kids, find more ways to fill them up and say yes to them so they aren't having to wait for your time and love.
Are you saying "no" to your 5yo and backing that up with the needs of your other kids? If that's how it seems to her, no wonder she'd resent them. Find more ways to say "yes" to her! Are there friends she can go out with - to those places and to do those things? Alternately, are there friends the 3yo can play with while you take the eldest and the baby to loud, busy places without her?
Maybe it was playful. Maybe she's trying to be helpful - that's not uncommon for eldest children, to start to assume some responsibility for babies. Offer her ways to help - say yes to her helpfulness, rather than framing it negatively.
If she's busy doing something else and not in the mood to sled in that moment, then of course she will - she's little. Its unrealistic on your part to expect her to put her desires on standby until "a good time" comes around. Its not realistic to expect her to wait graciously.
Sometimes its possible to say yes and be positive even with a wait involved, but it takes some work and practice on your part - and it depends somewhat on personality. I used to be able to say, to Morgan "yes, we'll do that as soon as..." and keep up a level of excitement, offer Mo ways to prepare and be ready so that waiting was enthusiastic anticipation - but it took a loooooot of input on my part to keep things from falling into frustrated waiting. It might be trickier with two kids.
Have lots of other things to offer all day long, right from the start of the day. I don't know how you're nursing, but you may have to adjust the logistics so that you can tote baby around with you while you're doing other things with the kids - don't expect down time while you nurse this one, for sure! If baby needs you to sit, then set up something fun you can facilitate sitting.
---Meredith
> I think I have been through this before with my oldest.That's not surprising, especially give this list:
>chuckie cheese (my 3 yo terrified of the mouse), monkey joes (my 3 yo afraid of enclosed bouncy things and the monkey), sledding (baby hates hats, hoods, and cold),********************
Are you saying "no" to your 5yo and backing that up with the needs of your other kids? If that's how it seems to her, no wonder she'd resent them. Find more ways to say "yes" to her! Are there friends she can go out with - to those places and to do those things? Alternately, are there friends the 3yo can play with while you take the eldest and the baby to loud, busy places without her?
> My 5 yo started shushing the baby when she was crying and getting close to her face in a threatening way (however she tried to appear as though it was playful).*********************j
Maybe it was playful. Maybe she's trying to be helpful - that's not uncommon for eldest children, to start to assume some responsibility for babies. Offer her ways to help - say yes to her helpfulness, rather than framing it negatively.
>>I am guessing that tomorrow when I tell her it is a good time to go out in the back to sled she will say, "no thanks".****************
If she's busy doing something else and not in the mood to sled in that moment, then of course she will - she's little. Its unrealistic on your part to expect her to put her desires on standby until "a good time" comes around. Its not realistic to expect her to wait graciously.
Sometimes its possible to say yes and be positive even with a wait involved, but it takes some work and practice on your part - and it depends somewhat on personality. I used to be able to say, to Morgan "yes, we'll do that as soon as..." and keep up a level of excitement, offer Mo ways to prepare and be ready so that waiting was enthusiastic anticipation - but it took a loooooot of input on my part to keep things from falling into frustrated waiting. It might be trickier with two kids.
Have lots of other things to offer all day long, right from the start of the day. I don't know how you're nursing, but you may have to adjust the logistics so that you can tote baby around with you while you're doing other things with the kids - don't expect down time while you nurse this one, for sure! If baby needs you to sit, then set up something fun you can facilitate sitting.
---Meredith