toddlers and balancing needs of family members
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Hi all,
Wondering about both toddlers and when the wants/needs of siblings and parents conflict with said toddler.
Was at the pool tonight with our whole family (mom, dad, four children (12, 9, 6, and 18mos)), and we were all ready to go -- cold, tired, and hungry, except for our toddler. We stayed about 15 more minutes to give him more time, but then we all really wanted to go.
I picked him up and brought him into the changing room. He was furious and screamed the entire time I was drying him off and putting his clothes on. I got him into the lobby, where he was still furious. He didn't want to be in my arms, so I brought him to a quiet corner of the lobby and put him down, where he lay for about ten minutes, first yelling, then just quietly. After ten minutes, he got up, held his arms out to me, and I picked him up and he was fine.
I'm obviously not feeling good about forcing him out of the pool and into his clothes, given how very upset with me he became, and that it was me making him because I was bigger. But I can't see clear to how to have done it differently, given that no one else wanted to be in the pool anymore and it's not set up such that he could have been in by himself.
What am I not seeing?
Michelle
Wife to Bob
Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
-- Carrie Fisher
Wondering about both toddlers and when the wants/needs of siblings and parents conflict with said toddler.
Was at the pool tonight with our whole family (mom, dad, four children (12, 9, 6, and 18mos)), and we were all ready to go -- cold, tired, and hungry, except for our toddler. We stayed about 15 more minutes to give him more time, but then we all really wanted to go.
I picked him up and brought him into the changing room. He was furious and screamed the entire time I was drying him off and putting his clothes on. I got him into the lobby, where he was still furious. He didn't want to be in my arms, so I brought him to a quiet corner of the lobby and put him down, where he lay for about ten minutes, first yelling, then just quietly. After ten minutes, he got up, held his arms out to me, and I picked him up and he was fine.
I'm obviously not feeling good about forcing him out of the pool and into his clothes, given how very upset with me he became, and that it was me making him because I was bigger. But I can't see clear to how to have done it differently, given that no one else wanted to be in the pool anymore and it's not set up such that he could have been in by himself.
What am I not seeing?
Michelle
Wife to Bob
Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
-- Carrie Fisher
Robin Bentley
>Sometimes these scenarios can be avoided by planning ahead. Snacks,
> Was at the pool tonight with our whole family (mom, dad, four
> children (12, 9, 6, and 18mos)), and we were all ready to go --
> cold, tired, and hungry, except for our toddler. We stayed about 15
> more minutes to give him more time, but then we all really wanted to
> go.
>
> I picked him up and brought him into the changing room. He was
> furious and screamed the entire time I was drying him off and
> putting his clothes on. I got him into the lobby, where he was
> still furious. He didn't want to be in my arms, so I brought him to
> a quiet corner of the lobby and put him down, where he lay for about
> ten minutes, first yelling, then just quietly. After ten minutes,
> he got up, held his arms out to me, and I picked him up and he was
> fine.
>
> I'm obviously not feeling good about forcing him out of the pool and
> into his clothes, given how very upset with me he became, and that
> it was me making him because I was bigger. But I can't see clear to
> how to have done it differently, given that no one else wanted to be
> in the pool anymore and it's not set up such that he could have been
> in by himself.
extra towels, additional games, toy or activities for everyone. It
could easily have been any one of you melting down over hunger,
thirst, temperature, or staying/leaving :-)
Did you all have to leave? Could you have stayed with the little one
while the rest of the family went home, then your husband came back to
get you when you were both ready? That might be something to consider
next time.
I don't know if you were at a hotel, at a club, on vacation or what.
Some suggestions might work better than others, depending.
Robin B.
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm obviously not feeling good about forcing him out of the pool and into his clothes, given how very upset with me he became, and that it was me making him because I was bigger. But I can't see clear to how to have done it differently, given that no one else wanted to be in the pool anymore and it's not set up such that he could have been in by himself. -=-
If you were being kind to him and not mean, I think sometimes that's just the way it goes when toddlers are excited AND tired AND unable to articulate their thoughts. You did give him extra time. He will never be just the age he was again. He'll be older every day, and you won't have that very same situation again.
Robin's suggestions of planning ahead with snacks and toys might be good. If he feels he's going toward something instead of away from something, that can help.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If you were being kind to him and not mean, I think sometimes that's just the way it goes when toddlers are excited AND tired AND unable to articulate their thoughts. You did give him extra time. He will never be just the age he was again. He'll be older every day, and you won't have that very same situation again.
Robin's suggestions of planning ahead with snacks and toys might be good. If he feels he's going toward something instead of away from something, that can help.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
"If he feels he's going toward something instead of away from something, that
can help."
That has helped a lot when my kids were young and still does for my 4 year old.
We always left the pool to get ice cream , or go to somewhere fun or...
It was always "lets go to!" or "time to go get ice-cream!"
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
can help."
That has helped a lot when my kids were young and still does for my 4 year old.
We always left the pool to get ice cream , or go to somewhere fun or...
It was always "lets go to!" or "time to go get ice-cream!"
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
That's a very good idea, to have either a snack or something else fun for him to go toward. It just took me by surprise tonight, because he's always been the *first* one to be done and wanting to get out and get warm. He was even shivering at the time we initially started getting out.
Though now that I'm thinking about it, as we had to stop at the store in town before going home, I could have toughened up and swam a bit longer and had them come back for us...
Michelle
Wife to Bob
Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
-- Carrie Fisher
>From: Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...>That's definitely true! ; )
>Sometimes these scenarios can be avoided by planning ahead. Snacks,
>extra towels, additional games, toy or activities for everyone. It
>could easily have been any one of you melting down over hunger,
>thirst, temperature, or staying/leaving :-)
That's a very good idea, to have either a snack or something else fun for him to go toward. It just took me by surprise tonight, because he's always been the *first* one to be done and wanting to get out and get warm. He was even shivering at the time we initially started getting out.
>In truth, I didn't *have* to leave, but I really, really wanted to. It's about 25 minutes from home and close to dinner time...and I was cold and *really* didn't want to be wet anymore. I think it would have been different if it were a place that he could have been in by himself...but him being in necessitated *me* being in too. And I just wasn't willing to do that.
>Did you all have to leave? Could you have stayed with the little one
>while the rest of the family went home, then your husband came back to
>get you when you were both ready? That might be something to consider
>next time.
Though now that I'm thinking about it, as we had to stop at the store in town before going home, I could have toughened up and swam a bit longer and had them come back for us...
Michelle
Wife to Bob
Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
-- Carrie Fisher
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
I was being kind...I was talking to him and, what's more amazing, was that I wasn't worrying about everyone looking at us, which I sometimes struggle with. My initial impulse was to hurry him out to the car and force him into the carseat, but I let him have his moment in the lobby.
Michelle
Wife to Bob
Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
-- Carrie Fisher
>From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>That's a very good perspective, because I tend to project a current difficulty into the future as if it's how life will be from now on...which is disheartening and not particularly helpful. ; )
>If you were being kind to him and not mean, I think sometimes that's just the way it goes when toddlers are excited AND tired AND unable to articulate their thoughts. You did give him extra time. He will never be just the age he was again. He'll be older every day, and you won't have that very same situation again.
>
I was being kind...I was talking to him and, what's more amazing, was that I wasn't worrying about everyone looking at us, which I sometimes struggle with. My initial impulse was to hurry him out to the car and force him into the carseat, but I let him have his moment in the lobby.
Michelle
Wife to Bob
Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
-- Carrie Fisher
dola dasgupta-banerji
It is a good thing to have clear boundaries inside you from the beginning.
Look at what is important here. You were "patient", "Kind", "loving", and
you "understood him". These situations do happen. Do not be so hard on
yourself because he wanted to stay longer than the extra 15 minutes you
already gave him.
To go to another place that a kid this age enjoys is always a good idea or
telling him that you will put on his favourite show on the TV or DVD with
some favourite food is always a sure bet.
Earlier days I used feel this is "bribing", but now I see how easy it is to
handle such situations if one does not "think too much" and just does that
which feels right. A stress free scenario is always better than a one that
is full of struggle and conflict.
Dola
Look at what is important here. You were "patient", "Kind", "loving", and
you "understood him". These situations do happen. Do not be so hard on
yourself because he wanted to stay longer than the extra 15 minutes you
already gave him.
To go to another place that a kid this age enjoys is always a good idea or
telling him that you will put on his favourite show on the TV or DVD with
some favourite food is always a sure bet.
Earlier days I used feel this is "bribing", but now I see how easy it is to
handle such situations if one does not "think too much" and just does that
which feels right. A stress free scenario is always better than a one that
is full of struggle and conflict.
Dola
On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 4:44 AM, <michmag5@...> wrote:
>
>
> Hi all,
>
> Wondering about both toddlers and when the wants/needs of siblings and
> parents conflict with said toddler.
>
> Was at the pool tonight with our whole family (mom, dad, four children (12,
> 9, 6, and 18mos)), and we were all ready to go -- cold, tired, and hungry,
> except for our toddler. We stayed about 15 more minutes to give him more
> time, but then we all really wanted to go.
>
> I picked him up and brought him into the changing room. He was furious and
> screamed the entire time I was drying him off and putting his clothes on. I
> got him into the lobby, where he was still furious. He didn't want to be in
> my arms, so I brought him to a quiet corner of the lobby and put him down,
> where he lay for about ten minutes, first yelling, then just quietly. After
> ten minutes, he got up, held his arms out to me, and I picked him up and he
> was fine.
>
> I'm obviously not feeling good about forcing him out of the pool and into
> his clothes, given how very upset with me he became, and that it was me
> making him because I was bigger. But I can't see clear to how to have done
> it differently, given that no one else wanted to be in the pool anymore and
> it's not set up such that he could have been in by himself.
>
> What am I not seeing?
>
> Michelle
>
> Wife to Bob
> Momma to George (12), Theo (9), Eli (6), and Oliver (17 mo)
>
> If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
> -- Carrie Fisher
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Earlier days I used feel this is "bribing", but now I see how easy it is to
handle such situations if one does not "think too much" and just does that
which feels right. A stress free scenario is always better than a one that
is full of struggle and conflict.-=-
This isn't a good place to advice people to act without thinking. "What feels right" is, for many people, yelling and hitting.
There's this about bribery:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery
If people do a lot of thinking when there isn't an emergency, they might gather up some better choices to make, or better considerations to weigh, when there IS a melt-down or quick decision point.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
handle such situations if one does not "think too much" and just does that
which feels right. A stress free scenario is always better than a one that
is full of struggle and conflict.-=-
This isn't a good place to advice people to act without thinking. "What feels right" is, for many people, yelling and hitting.
There's this about bribery:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery
If people do a lot of thinking when there isn't an emergency, they might gather up some better choices to make, or better considerations to weigh, when there IS a melt-down or quick decision point.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]