Woe Is Me
hmbpie
Last night Spiderman Web of Shadows came in the mail from Game Fly. I'm pretty bummed about it. Today is park day. I want to go to park day. I want to be in the sun and talk to other people and play in the sand. Sigh. Austin wants to play Web of Shadows. I don't blame him. He's been waiting for it for about two weeks and has talked about it every day since we put it in our queue. I know that feeling.
I'm having a lot of old conversations in my head right now because of what I am seeing. No food has been had, no drink, no bathroom breaks and I am being lashed out at because the game is hard and new and he's frustrated. I want to add "hungry" and "thirsty" to that list because I know I get irritable if I am hungry and thirsty. Maybe he's not. Maybe he's just frustrated at the game. I am having a hard time going from being snapped at to being invited to watch and being happy about it. Maybe I'm talking too much.
Six months ago and I would have said "too bad we're going to the park". That thought hasn't even crossed my mind so I guess that's a step in the right direction.
I wrote this a week ago to post but haven't gotten around to editing it so I could post it:
"I wanted to make a point about video games in the house. We had strict controls on video game time before we found unschooling. When I was cooking dinner was the only time during the day that he could play. It was the first control we let go of and it was HARD! Oh my gosh was it hard! He played video games almost exclusively at first but lately he'll stop and ask me to play action figures with him or do some of our science experiment stuff with him or bake pumpkin bread with him, play Legos or action figured. He'll even just come over and talk to me. On my side I can now see how much he loves to play them and it gives him great joy to accomplish the tasks in them. He feels so good about himself when he finishes a level. I can sit down with him and play along or offer support and ideas when asked or just sit down and be present with him and I can see it has helped our relationship. We just joined Game Fly (I never would have guessed in a million years I would do such a thing) and got Star Wars Forced Unleashed II last night (awesome game!). I would have thought this game was way above his skill level (I won't even go into the rating) but he loves it! He asked me to sit with him last night while he fought a boss and together we were able to beat him. I was shocked and amazed! It looked so hard but he persisted and defeated the boss and was so proud of himself afterward. I almost cried when I saw the look of pride on his face. (OK I did a little) So now I can watch him play video games and not see a zombie or someone who is veg'ing out or hypnotized. I see determination and problem solving and passion and joy and happiness."
That was a high. Now I feel low.
I'm having a lot of old conversations in my head right now because of what I am seeing. No food has been had, no drink, no bathroom breaks and I am being lashed out at because the game is hard and new and he's frustrated. I want to add "hungry" and "thirsty" to that list because I know I get irritable if I am hungry and thirsty. Maybe he's not. Maybe he's just frustrated at the game. I am having a hard time going from being snapped at to being invited to watch and being happy about it. Maybe I'm talking too much.
Six months ago and I would have said "too bad we're going to the park". That thought hasn't even crossed my mind so I guess that's a step in the right direction.
I wrote this a week ago to post but haven't gotten around to editing it so I could post it:
"I wanted to make a point about video games in the house. We had strict controls on video game time before we found unschooling. When I was cooking dinner was the only time during the day that he could play. It was the first control we let go of and it was HARD! Oh my gosh was it hard! He played video games almost exclusively at first but lately he'll stop and ask me to play action figures with him or do some of our science experiment stuff with him or bake pumpkin bread with him, play Legos or action figured. He'll even just come over and talk to me. On my side I can now see how much he loves to play them and it gives him great joy to accomplish the tasks in them. He feels so good about himself when he finishes a level. I can sit down with him and play along or offer support and ideas when asked or just sit down and be present with him and I can see it has helped our relationship. We just joined Game Fly (I never would have guessed in a million years I would do such a thing) and got Star Wars Forced Unleashed II last night (awesome game!). I would have thought this game was way above his skill level (I won't even go into the rating) but he loves it! He asked me to sit with him last night while he fought a boss and together we were able to beat him. I was shocked and amazed! It looked so hard but he persisted and defeated the boss and was so proud of himself afterward. I almost cried when I saw the look of pride on his face. (OK I did a little) So now I can watch him play video games and not see a zombie or someone who is veg'ing out or hypnotized. I see determination and problem solving and passion and joy and happiness."
That was a high. Now I feel low.
Sandra Dodd
-=-
That was a high. Now I feel low.-=-
Dan Vilter wrote something a few years ago that might help you today!
http://sandradodd.com/game/cheats
Dealing with Frustrations when Playing Games
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
That was a high. Now I feel low.-=-
Dan Vilter wrote something a few years ago that might help you today!
http://sandradodd.com/game/cheats
Dealing with Frustrations when Playing Games
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Krisula Moyer
>>-=-That was a high. Now I feel low.-=-Dan Vilter wrote something a few years ago that might help you today!
http://sandradodd.com/game/cheats
Dealing with Frustrations when Playing Games<<
This response is slightly off topic from the original poster but a very sweet experience I had with Unschooled kids early on in my unschooling journey. Dan's son Matthew is a friend of my son Trayton. Matthew is a few years older. At the conference Dan refers to in the link above, Trayton (then almost 9) was thrilled to go to their video game session and came back so excited. Later Matthew who was about 12 at the time asked me if he could talk with me. I was so taken with his sweet and confident demeanor. He told me about how much he loved gaming and how important that part of his life was to him. He asked me why I restricted Trayton's game time (restrictions were still in full force at our house back then) And I explained to him my concerns. He suggested that some of Tray's frustration and outbursts might be due to the fact that he was working against the time restrictions I set up and that being on a clock like that would make the games even harder and more frustrating. He was far too polite to point out that Tray probably was blaming *me* for those feelings of frustration and that it was putting an unnecessary wedge in our relationship. But his words, so amazingly mature and thoughtful for anyone, (especially a 12 year old) started me thinking on this path and that was what led to lifting the game restrictions at our house. I figured my fears must be misplaced if the compassionate, smart,thoughtful kid who had just come and talked to me was a gamer with no (artificial) restrictions on his gaming.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"hmbpie" <heatherpie@...> wrote:
Back before I had kids I would do that, quilting - forget to eat or drink, be quilting with my legs crossed because I needed to pee soooooo bad, but didn't want to stop. Now and then I still get a day of it. There's something really satisfying about being *that* involved, being in the zone as some people say. That's what passion is like, sometimes, so overwhelming you just don't want to stop until some inner voice says "this is enough for now".
---Meredith
>No food has been had, no drink, no bathroom breaksAre you putting snacks and drinks right at his elbow? Looking for save and load points in the game to remind him to take care of his needs?
Back before I had kids I would do that, quilting - forget to eat or drink, be quilting with my legs crossed because I needed to pee soooooo bad, but didn't want to stop. Now and then I still get a day of it. There's something really satisfying about being *that* involved, being in the zone as some people say. That's what passion is like, sometimes, so overwhelming you just don't want to stop until some inner voice says "this is enough for now".
---Meredith
hmbpie
"Are you putting snacks and drinks right at his elbow?"
Quite literally at his elbow and when I make myself something to eat I change out his monkey platter.
"Looking for save and load points in the game to remind him to take care of his needs?"
My suggestions and reminders are met with fierce resistance. We have a long ugly history with suggestions and reminders.
"There's something really satisfying about being *that* involved, being in the zone as some people say. That's what passion is like, sometimes, so overwhelming you just don't want to stop until some inner voice says "this is enough for now".
I get it. I do. Yesterday was just one of those days where I was having a lot of old conversations in my head and having a lot of doubt. I get passion and being so into something that you don't want to stop. I do it with knitting. "5 more rows and I'll stop" easily turns into 20 rows past and I still haven't stopped. The only difference is no one is looking at me thinking I should stop and eat, drink and pee because everyone in the house trusts I will do those things when I need to. I was just looking at him with a lot of doubt and negativity and worry yesterday.
The game kept freezing up and we're in desperate need of good snacks (ding, ding ding! we had nothing he wanted) so we went to the store and he picked out a bag of pecans. When we came home he ate the whole bag and a big glass of apple juice. He was hungry and thirsty then so he ate and drank. We talked and played until dad come home and was able to fix the game. It all worked out.
Quite literally at his elbow and when I make myself something to eat I change out his monkey platter.
"Looking for save and load points in the game to remind him to take care of his needs?"
My suggestions and reminders are met with fierce resistance. We have a long ugly history with suggestions and reminders.
"There's something really satisfying about being *that* involved, being in the zone as some people say. That's what passion is like, sometimes, so overwhelming you just don't want to stop until some inner voice says "this is enough for now".
I get it. I do. Yesterday was just one of those days where I was having a lot of old conversations in my head and having a lot of doubt. I get passion and being so into something that you don't want to stop. I do it with knitting. "5 more rows and I'll stop" easily turns into 20 rows past and I still haven't stopped. The only difference is no one is looking at me thinking I should stop and eat, drink and pee because everyone in the house trusts I will do those things when I need to. I was just looking at him with a lot of doubt and negativity and worry yesterday.
The game kept freezing up and we're in desperate need of good snacks (ding, ding ding! we had nothing he wanted) so we went to the store and he picked out a bag of pecans. When we came home he ate the whole bag and a big glass of apple juice. He was hungry and thirsty then so he ate and drank. We talked and played until dad come home and was able to fix the game. It all worked out.
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "hmbpie" <heatherpie@> wrote:
> >No food has been had, no drink, no bathroom breaks
>
> Are you putting snacks and drinks right at his elbow? >
> Back before I had kids I would do that, quilting - forget to eat or drink, be quilting with my legs crossed because I needed to pee soooooo bad, but didn't want to stop. Now and then I still get a day of it. >
> ---Meredith
>
Lisa E Biesemeyer
Heather wrote: " I was just looking at him with a lot of doubt and negativity
and worry yesterday."
I have those days/moments, too, and usually they stem from my needs/wants not
being met. I think you said in your original post that it was park day, and you
really wanted to go to park day. Maybe *you* wanted to get out and be with
friends/other moms and dads, be outside in the beautiful fall air, etc.
I know that even though I am a "grown" person (still growing in many, many
ways), my wants and needs often feel equal to my little ones, especially if I'm
tired or hungry; however, practicing mindful parenting, my priority is very
clear: my children's needs and wants come first. So, I may stuff my needs and
wants for the time being. And some times, those stuffed needs and wants come out
as frustration, irritation, worry, negativity, etc.
So, on days like yesterday, to nip in the bud some of those negative feelings,
could you do any of the following: Could you ask friends to come to your home to
enjoy playing the/a game with or near your son? Could you invite over a mom
friend/non-mom friend to talk with? Could you ask a friend, babysitter, fellow
gamer to hang out with him while you go to park day or just get out of the
house? Could you play the game too? Could you express your desire to go to the
park for awhile and play the game upon returning?
I think meeting your needs and wants to some capacity as well as your sons could
eliminate or at least quiet the soundtrack in your mind of negativity and worry
and turn up the one that says, "yes! I love...".
Lisa B
Lisa Biesemeyer
________________________________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and worry yesterday."
I have those days/moments, too, and usually they stem from my needs/wants not
being met. I think you said in your original post that it was park day, and you
really wanted to go to park day. Maybe *you* wanted to get out and be with
friends/other moms and dads, be outside in the beautiful fall air, etc.
I know that even though I am a "grown" person (still growing in many, many
ways), my wants and needs often feel equal to my little ones, especially if I'm
tired or hungry; however, practicing mindful parenting, my priority is very
clear: my children's needs and wants come first. So, I may stuff my needs and
wants for the time being. And some times, those stuffed needs and wants come out
as frustration, irritation, worry, negativity, etc.
So, on days like yesterday, to nip in the bud some of those negative feelings,
could you do any of the following: Could you ask friends to come to your home to
enjoy playing the/a game with or near your son? Could you invite over a mom
friend/non-mom friend to talk with? Could you ask a friend, babysitter, fellow
gamer to hang out with him while you go to park day or just get out of the
house? Could you play the game too? Could you express your desire to go to the
park for awhile and play the game upon returning?
I think meeting your needs and wants to some capacity as well as your sons could
eliminate or at least quiet the soundtrack in your mind of negativity and worry
and turn up the one that says, "yes! I love...".
Lisa B
Lisa Biesemeyer
________________________________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-however, practicing mindful parenting, my priority is very
clear: my children's needs and wants come first. So, I may stuff my
needs and
wants for the time being. And some times, those stuffed needs and
wants come out
as frustration, irritation, worry, negativity, etc.-=-
I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
clear: my children's needs and wants come first. So, I may stuff my
needs and
wants for the time being. And some times, those stuffed needs and
wants come out
as frustration, irritation, worry, negativity, etc.-=-
I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lisa E Biesemeyer
Sandra wrote: "I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness."
I suppose that is why I chose the word "stuffing" as it is actually
counterproductive and contrary to mindfulness; but when my children's needs and
wants are apparent to me, I some times do "stuff" my needs and wants or at least
put them on the back burner, making my parenting less mindful as I become
frustrated and so forth. I think that, for me, this confusion brings on "woe is
me".
So in order to be less negative and more positive and mindful, I work on finding
a way to meet my needs and wants as well, discovering how much more powerful and
wonderful my connection to my kids and to life and to myself becomes once I do.
Lisa B
Lisa Biesemeyer
________________________________
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I suppose that is why I chose the word "stuffing" as it is actually
counterproductive and contrary to mindfulness; but when my children's needs and
wants are apparent to me, I some times do "stuff" my needs and wants or at least
put them on the back burner, making my parenting less mindful as I become
frustrated and so forth. I think that, for me, this confusion brings on "woe is
me".
So in order to be less negative and more positive and mindful, I work on finding
a way to meet my needs and wants as well, discovering how much more powerful and
wonderful my connection to my kids and to life and to myself becomes once I do.
Lisa B
Lisa Biesemeyer
________________________________
Visit Your Group
Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hmbpie
"I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness"
Not that long ago my husband had an issue co-sleeping with our son. There was a lot of stress and resentment on his part and my part because I thought, "What's the big freaking deal? We have a king size! And there are only three of us! Come on!" OK come to find out he wasn't sleeping well because Austin was smooshed up against him all night long and he felt like he was going to fall off the bed. Not a very restful way to sleep. The problem was: where do we go from there? At first we switched sleeping in the other room because he felt he had more room either alone in one bed or only two in the big bed and that Austin just wanted to be near someone at night instead of in a room alone. But that brought lots of tears from Austin which is also not a restful way to sleep. My husband came to conclusion that Austin being comfortable at night was more important than his own comfort. To me that didn't sound so good either. We talked about how unschooling isn't about becoming a martyr.
What was really happening was my husband has been working a lot of long hours and Austin has been missing that time. It wasn't about the comfort of the bed or being alone, it was about connection. So at bedtime he was trying to cram in time with his dad by getting as much physical contact as possible.
What we ended up doing that everybody is super happy with so far is: I am usually tired around 9PM so I say goodnight and go to bed and watch a movie or TV show on my laptop. Austin and my husband stay up playing video games (or whatever it is they decide to do) until Austin is ready to go to bed. Then my husband plays games like Fallout New Vegas which Austin doesn't want to play. No one is unhappy with the situation and no feels like they are suffering for another person in the house.
(On a side note, Gamefly has been amazing in this house for us. I sit here on pins and needles and play cheerleader and snack provider and I have even been known to sit down and play. The guys have wanted this since Austin got his first game system. I have to say it's enjoyable and all it took was a change of heart (or mind as it were). I wish I would have tried sooner. )
Not that long ago my husband had an issue co-sleeping with our son. There was a lot of stress and resentment on his part and my part because I thought, "What's the big freaking deal? We have a king size! And there are only three of us! Come on!" OK come to find out he wasn't sleeping well because Austin was smooshed up against him all night long and he felt like he was going to fall off the bed. Not a very restful way to sleep. The problem was: where do we go from there? At first we switched sleeping in the other room because he felt he had more room either alone in one bed or only two in the big bed and that Austin just wanted to be near someone at night instead of in a room alone. But that brought lots of tears from Austin which is also not a restful way to sleep. My husband came to conclusion that Austin being comfortable at night was more important than his own comfort. To me that didn't sound so good either. We talked about how unschooling isn't about becoming a martyr.
What was really happening was my husband has been working a lot of long hours and Austin has been missing that time. It wasn't about the comfort of the bed or being alone, it was about connection. So at bedtime he was trying to cram in time with his dad by getting as much physical contact as possible.
What we ended up doing that everybody is super happy with so far is: I am usually tired around 9PM so I say goodnight and go to bed and watch a movie or TV show on my laptop. Austin and my husband stay up playing video games (or whatever it is they decide to do) until Austin is ready to go to bed. Then my husband plays games like Fallout New Vegas which Austin doesn't want to play. No one is unhappy with the situation and no feels like they are suffering for another person in the house.
(On a side note, Gamefly has been amazing in this house for us. I sit here on pins and needles and play cheerleader and snack provider and I have even been known to sit down and play. The guys have wanted this since Austin got his first game system. I have to say it's enjoyable and all it took was a change of heart (or mind as it were). I wish I would have tried sooner. )
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-however, practicing mindful parenting, my priority is very
> clear: my children's needs and wants come first. So, I may stuff my
> needs and
> wants for the time being. And some times, those stuffed needs and
> wants come out
> as frustration, irritation, worry, negativity, etc.-=-
>
> I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
hmbpie
I forgot to add that with this arrangment the smooshed problem has resolved which was the point of the story.
--- In [email protected], "hmbpie" <heatherpie@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> "I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness"
>
> Not that long ago my husband had an issue co-sleeping with our son. There was a lot of stress and resentment on his part and my part because I thought, "What's the big freaking deal? We have a king size! And there are only three of us! Come on!" OK come to find out he wasn't sleeping well because Austin was smooshed up against him all night long and he felt like he was going to fall off the bed. Not a very restful way to sleep. The problem was: where do we go from there? At first we switched sleeping in the other room because he felt he had more room either alone in one bed or only two in the big bed and that Austin just wanted to be near someone at night instead of in a room alone. But that brought lots of tears from Austin which is also not a restful way to sleep. My husband came to conclusion that Austin being comfortable at night was more important than his own comfort. To me that didn't sound so good either. We talked about how unschooling isn't about becoming a martyr.
>
>
> What was really happening was my husband has been working a lot of long hours and Austin has been missing that time. It wasn't about the comfort of the bed or being alone, it was about connection. So at bedtime he was trying to cram in time with his dad by getting as much physical contact as possible.
>
>
> What we ended up doing that everybody is super happy with so far is: I am usually tired around 9PM so I say goodnight and go to bed and watch a movie or TV show on my laptop. Austin and my husband stay up playing video games (or whatever it is they decide to do) until Austin is ready to go to bed. Then my husband plays games like Fallout New Vegas which Austin doesn't want to play. No one is unhappy with the situation and no feels like they are suffering for another person in the house.
>
>
> (On a side note, Gamefly has been amazing in this house for us. I sit here on pins and needles and play cheerleader and snack provider and I have even been known to sit down and play. The guys have wanted this since Austin got his first game system. I have to say it's enjoyable and all it took was a change of heart (or mind as it were). I wish I would have tried sooner. )
>
> --- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@> wrote:
> >
> > -=-however, practicing mindful parenting, my priority is very
> > clear: my children's needs and wants come first. So, I may stuff my
> > needs and
> > wants for the time being. And some times, those stuffed needs and
> > wants come out
> > as frustration, irritation, worry, negativity, etc.-=-
> >
> > I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness.
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>
Jenny Cyphers
***I think "stuffing" things is martyrdom, not mindfulness.***
In any moment, I can choose if I'd like to continue with a thought or feeling.
If I feel that sense of martyrdom, I can recognize it and change the way I see
it. I was feeling frustrated the other day because everyone seemed grumpy, and
they were, and nothing I was doing was helping people be NOT grumpy. There was
a moment, and I felt it and then was able to shift my thinking. I didn't need
to feel everyone's grumpy feelings. I could choose not to let it bother me. I
could choose to feel my own positive happy feelings. The very act of that
choosing helped me be a better parent. My focus was no longer on how grumpy
those around me were, but on how happy I could be in that moment, how relaxed
and pleasant life is.
I know it can be hard when you've got several people wanting attention and not
being all that great with how they are seeking it, but the needs and wants of
others don't need to be separate or hierarchical to our own. It's one big mish
mash of motherly love and attentiveness and it can include our own if we can
allow our thoughts to be light and pleasant.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
In any moment, I can choose if I'd like to continue with a thought or feeling.
If I feel that sense of martyrdom, I can recognize it and change the way I see
it. I was feeling frustrated the other day because everyone seemed grumpy, and
they were, and nothing I was doing was helping people be NOT grumpy. There was
a moment, and I felt it and then was able to shift my thinking. I didn't need
to feel everyone's grumpy feelings. I could choose not to let it bother me. I
could choose to feel my own positive happy feelings. The very act of that
choosing helped me be a better parent. My focus was no longer on how grumpy
those around me were, but on how happy I could be in that moment, how relaxed
and pleasant life is.
I know it can be hard when you've got several people wanting attention and not
being all that great with how they are seeking it, but the needs and wants of
others don't need to be separate or hierarchical to our own. It's one big mish
mash of motherly love and attentiveness and it can include our own if we can
allow our thoughts to be light and pleasant.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mel
--- In [email protected], Jenny Cyphers <jenstarc4@...> wrote:
When I was growing up, my mother could easily launch into hysterics and so could my sister. They would feed off of each other. I'm so thankful that my dad was with us then. He was always calm. Through all the daily dramas and through the real hard stuff, he was caring and warm, but really my rock, my safe harbour.
My dad is now gone but he left me a great gift. He role modelled for myself and my sister how to be peacefull and have a sense of humour through pretty much anything. I'm not sure that I'm as good at it as he was, but I think I became a better person for watching him in action all those years.
>I didn't need
> to feel everyone's grumpy feelings. I could choose not to let it bother me. IVery well said Jenny. What you wrote makes me think that from a child's perspective, sometimes when we feel grumpy, nervous, or anything else negative, it helps tremedously when we are around others who are balanced and not mirroring what we are working through.
> could choose to feel my own positive happy feelings. The very act of that
> choosing helped me be a better parent. My focus was no longer on how grumpy
> those around me were, but on how happy I could be in that moment, how relaxed
> and pleasant life is.
>
When I was growing up, my mother could easily launch into hysterics and so could my sister. They would feed off of each other. I'm so thankful that my dad was with us then. He was always calm. Through all the daily dramas and through the real hard stuff, he was caring and warm, but really my rock, my safe harbour.
My dad is now gone but he left me a great gift. He role modelled for myself and my sister how to be peacefull and have a sense of humour through pretty much anything. I'm not sure that I'm as good at it as he was, but I think I became a better person for watching him in action all those years.
plaidpanties666
"Mel" <beensclan@...> wrote:
My partner and I do that for each other. If he's having a bad time, I get to be the calm one, and when I'm going bonkers, he does that for me. At first it seemed more cooincidental than anything else - neither of us is particularly phlegmatic by nature! but once we noticed it and had a conversation about how nice it is to know that the other won't fly off the handle along with whoever's upset, we both started to do it more consciously.
---Meredith
> I'm so thankful that my dad was with us then. He was always calm. Through all the daily dramas and through the real hard stuff, he was caring and warm, but really my rock, my safe harbour.*****************
My partner and I do that for each other. If he's having a bad time, I get to be the calm one, and when I'm going bonkers, he does that for me. At first it seemed more cooincidental than anything else - neither of us is particularly phlegmatic by nature! but once we noticed it and had a conversation about how nice it is to know that the other won't fly off the handle along with whoever's upset, we both started to do it more consciously.
---Meredith