Karen Buxcel

I would like to hear how others handle moments with their children when the
kids feel that they get nothing, that their friends have more of everything
and that life for them really just sucks.

My boys (11, 9, 5) are usually content and happy with the flow of their
lives. BUT. sometimes... they're not. It's natural, and I explained to
them that I have those same moments and days, too.

Today was an example of that. We went to the park, and DS9 asked that I
call a couple of his friends to come, too. They met us at the park,
everyone was playing and having a great time. Then, one of the boys who
came to meet us was delivered a new pair of shoes that he'd been waiting for
(they arrived at his house, and Dad brought them to the park as requested).
DS11 immediately stopped playing with the child who got the new shoes and
came to me, insisting we leave *now*. (he's been wanting a pair of these
particular shoes for some time, those toe shoe things)

We gathered our stuff and left the park, and for the 10 minute drive home, I
heard how "their mom gets them anything they want, even if they don't have
the money, and *she* doesn't care. Every time we see them, they have
something new, and it's just not fair, all we ever get are tiny little toys,
we don't get anything we want..."

I sat and listened, and did not jump in with the list of things they they do
have. I tried very hard to empathize with them, but at the same time, felt
like they were downright mean to me. That's my own crap, I'm sure.

So, in those moments, what do you say? Do I just shut up and listen and
don't say anything? Do I offer them a hug and keep my mouth closed? Do I
apologise that I'm unable to get them everything they desire? Do I say,
"I'm sorry you feel like you don't get enough"?

A little background: We're very honest about our money, I answer questions
when they have them, provide information about our finances, and get them
things they want. I do believe they are entitled to our money just as much
as John and I are. I go without in order to be able to provide more for
them. Just wanting to clarify so people understood that I'm not buying
myself everything I want and telling my kids "no". I don't do that. We
always find a way to get what they want. Which makes it even harder to hear
the things they were saying to me today.

My nature is to be immediately defensive (working on that, really, I am), so
I try to be so careful about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. Like so
many, I wasn't raised in a way that taught me how to be empathetic. My
defensiveness is likely the reason I survived my childhood. It doesn't
serve me anymore, so I'm letting it go, but in moments like these, whoa,
it's the first ugly, anger-filled voice that floods my mind. And because I
don't want to be that defensive person anymore, I just say nothing, for fear
of saying the wrong thing, or in the wrong way/tone.

I'm looking for some new tapes.

Anyone??? :)

Karen



--
"You cannot teach a person anything; you can only help him find it within
himself." -Galileo


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Sandra Dodd

-=- I do believe they are entitled to our money just as much as John
and I are. =-

I don't think kids are "entitled" to parents' money. I know some
people have said that in the past and made it sound cool, but it
doesn't make sense.
Kids don't understand about mortgages and insurance. If parents are
generous and helpful, that's enough. I don't think it's necessary to
consider the money just as much the kids' as yours. If you're careful
with it and you die it will be theirs. :-) Marty owes us money for
his jeep. He's making payments when he has money, but he's taking
classes now and not working. The money he gives us now will end up
being his again someday if he outlives us.

-=-My nature is to be immediately defensive (working on that, really,
I am), so
I try to be so careful about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it.-=-

That sounds like the best thing you can do.
I always tended to say something about what they did have, and I wish
I could take some of those back.

-=- Then, one of the boys who
came to meet us was delivered a new pair of shoes that he'd been
waiting for
(they arrived at his house, and Dad brought them to the park as
requested).
DS11 immediately stopped playing with the child who got the new shoes
and
came to me, insisting we leave *now*. -=-

I think I would have gone for a walk with the frustrated kid, just
walked around the edge of the park and let him vent, and suggest that
he find a way to calm himself and stay and play. Because the kid came
to meet you at the park. That kind of made you the host family,
didn't it?

Maybe ask him (soon or someday) how he would feel if a friend got
angry because he got to do/have something. I don't know what the
answer should be, but running the scenario about how to deal with
courtesy and comfort and being congratulatory to someone else even
when there's jealousy might be helpful for situations that haven't yet
happened.

Sandra

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

This last 2-3 years have been tough financially for us. 
Thank goodness it is starting to get better.
MD , now 8, grew up getting pretty much everything he wanted that we could
give him.
Then we were broke and could not do it anymore.
He was very very understanding.
When he could not get something we made plans to get it.
We saved pennies here and there.
We talked about what he wanted, looked up online, looked for sales and stuff
like that.
I think that helped him lots.
We are now saving for a PS3. We talk about it, look up sales.
We are probably waiting for the new motion one to come out.
Sometimes I would let him vent and then sit together and look up the item online
and checked
 for sales, craigslist, freecycle all that together.

 
Alex Polikowsky

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plaidpanties666

Karen Buxcel <thewildtribe@...> wrote:
>> So, in those moments, what do you say? Do I just shut up and listen and
> don't say anything? Do I offer them a hug and keep my mouth closed? Do I
> apologise that I'm unable to get them everything they desire? Do I say,
> "I'm sorry you feel like you don't get enough"?

Is it possible for you to talk about your own frustrations with money without getting defensive or diminishing his? That's something I can do pretty well with Ray, not so well with Mo - that has to do with the ways our personalities rub up against one another. With Mo, I'm better off saying "sorry" in the moment and paying better attention to wish-lists and how the "extra" money gets spent in general.

---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 16)