atvannoy

We have a son that is five years old and a daughter that is three. For the past several weeks, DS has been asking if he can go first for everything - go in the house first, get in the car first, be the first to do something in a Wii game, get dessert first - EVERYTHING. I can't figure out what is missing from his life that makes him feel the need to be first at everything. He is greatly loved, gets a lot of attention, and as far as I know, isn't needing or wanting for anything. I've asked him why he wants to be first all the time and he says it's because he's the best.

Any ideas what's making him feel the need to be first?

Thanks for your help!

Angel

Sandra Dodd

-=- and as far as I know, isn't needing or wanting for anything.-=-

He's needing to be first.
He's wanting to be first.

It's probably MUCH easier for a three year old to wait for a five year
old than the other way around, and she would learn more by watching
him do whatever it is and then having a turn, than the other way around.

Sandra

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Claire

I also have kids aged 5 and 3. My older daughter Ashlin also often wants to be first in the car etc, very similar to what you described. It is usually fine because she is more capable of going first. Often she has initiated the activity and so naturally wants to go first. If her younger sister Eden has initiated something, then I default to Eden going first.

I think is is pretty natural for there to be a certain level of competition between siblings, but it sounds like you are catering well for both children's needs, so I don't think the older child wanting to go first is necessarily something to be concerned about.

Claire
Melbourne, Australia
Kids - Ashlin, 5 & Eden, 3

dola dasgupta-banerji

I have seen with my kids. Daughter 8 and son 4. Though now the issue is no
longer there. But there was a time when DD wanted a lot of attention like
wanting to be first, wanting the same Toy as DS, wanting to be picked up by
daddy, wanting me to sleep between them in the night etc.

I feel it is just the sudden sharing of attention and parents, grandparents
and things and time with another kid, that causes this kind of need to
arise. SO we made it a point to mostly let her get all the above things she
wanted or needed. Except for wanting to be picked up, simply because she is
a big built girl. But we told her we could let her sit on our lap while
sitting on the bed or sofa. She was fine with that.

I agree with Sandra here, that the need and want is clear and it is as he
says "wants and needs to be first".

Dola

On Mon, Sep 13, 2010 at 7:13 AM, atvannoy <atvannoy@...> wrote:

>
>
> We have a son that is five years old and a daughter that is three. For the
> past several weeks, DS has been asking if he can go first for everything -
> go in the house first, get in the car first, be the first to do something in
> a Wii game, get dessert first - EVERYTHING. I can't figure out what is
> missing from his life that makes him feel the need to be first at
> everything. He is greatly loved, gets a lot of attention, and as far as I
> know, isn't needing or wanting for anything. I've asked him why he wants to
> be first all the time and he says it's because he's the best.
>
> Any ideas what's making him feel the need to be first?
>
> Thanks for your help!
>
> Angel
>
>
>


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Pam Sorooshian

> -=- and as far as I know, isn't needing or wanting for anything.-=-

He's wanting to be first. You can see the obvious, right? He WAS the
first - the first child. And he's wanting that position to be made
concrete.

I'd try to give him the chance to be first as much as possible - and
make a point about saying, "You go first," "You be first," before he
even has to ask. Because asking that is probably, for him, a little
like you asking your husband, "Do you love me?" Yes, its good to know -
but isn't it better to hear it without having to ask?

-pam

Jill Parmer

On Sep 12, 2010, at 7:43 PM, atvannoy wrote:

> I can't figure out what is missing from his life that makes him
> feel the need to be first at everything. He is greatly loved, gets
> a lot of attention, and as far as I know, isn't needing or wanting
> for anything. I've asked him why he wants to be first all the time
> and he says it's because he's the best.
>

I'm 47, my kids are 16 and 12, and we still play a game of being
first. Usually when we get in the car...first to touch the car (it's
parked by a curb, we don't run through a parking lot to do this);
first to sit, first to buckle, first to touch the steering wheel. I
won one time by yelling first to touch Addi, as I poked her on the
arm. It's goofy and fun, and we're laughing a lot when we do this.

~Jill (Addi 16, Luke 12)

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atvannoy

We do let him go first any time he wants to. Our daughter is happy to allow him to go first too, but whenever it's just her and me, she'll ask to go first. I don't mind him going first all the time, but worry about my daughter feeling like she has to take a submissive role because she's younger and smaller.

Sandra Dodd

-=- but whenever it's just her and me, she'll ask to go first. -=-

Does she really need to ask?

-=-I don't mind him going first all the time, but worry about my
daughter feeling like she has to take a submissive role because she's
younger and smaller. -=-

It's not because she's younger and smaller. It's because she has an
older sibling who was displaced by cute, young and small and whose one
consolation in this short season of life might be going first.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

atvannoy

-=- but whenever it's just her and me, she'll ask to go first. -=-

---Does she really need to ask?

No, she doesn't. My answer to her is always "Sure" or "Of course". I don't think the thought would have even occurred to her if she hadn't heard her brother always asking if he could go first. I think she's just repeating what she hears him say.

-=-I don't mind him going first all the time, but worry about my
daughter feeling like she has to take a submissive role because she's younger and smaller. -=-

--- It's not because she's younger and smaller. It's because she has an --- older sibling who was displaced by cute, young and small and whose
--- one consolation in this short season of life might be going first.

You're right. It definitely means a lot to him to go first. There's no way I'd ever tell him he couldn't be first. He seems to be struggling a bit more lately with having a sibling and this is one way of establishing the pecking order, I guess.

Pam Sorooshian

On 9/13/2010 7:35 PM, atvannoy wrote:
> You're right. It definitely means a lot to him to go first. There's no
> way I'd ever tell him he couldn't be first. He seems to be struggling
> a bit more lately with having a sibling and this is one way of
> establishing the pecking order, I guess.

Try to do some more things with him alone. Be sure you're making eye
contact and hugging him a lot. Be sure he has some special things that
are his that you are careful to protect from younger sibling. And -
really - take him out to dinner with mom and dad once in a while - or to
a movie or something, if you have anybody the younger sibling will be
happy staying home with.

I was the oldest. Those few times my parents took me out without my
siblings are in my memory as extremely EXTREMELY wonderful times. Once
was the night before I was going in to the hospital to have my tonsils
out. Another was when my grandparents were coming home from having been
out of the country for a couple of years and they took me, and not my
sisters, to the airport (because of lack of room, I realize now, but at
the time it was very thrilling and an honor to me).

-pam

Sandra Dodd

-=---- It's not because she's younger and smaller. It's because she
has an --- older sibling who was displaced by cute, young and small
and whose
--- one consolation in this short season of life might be going first.
-=-You're right. It definitely means a lot to him to go first. There's
no way I'd ever tell him he couldn't be first. He seems to be
struggling a bit more lately with having a sibling and this is one way
of establishing the pecking order, I guess.-=-

-=-There's no way I'd ever tell him he couldn't be first.-=-

Not even on her birthday?

Neither "never" nor "always" is a place to rest. Each situation has
factors, and needs to be decide in the moment.

http://sandradodd.com/balance

-=-He seems to be struggling a bit more lately with having a sibling
and this is one way of establishing the pecking order, I guess.-=-

http://sandradodd.com/phrases

I don't think it's a "pecking order." I think it's his neediness in
the moment, and wanting to know that you're still his partner, that
it's not you and the new kid against him the old kid. That would be
my guess, as a firstborn with lots of vivid memories from my sister's
homecoming and subsequent overthrow of my only-child world. :-)



Sandra





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k

>>>"pecking order"<<<

There probably IS an actual hierarchy. Biologically. With dogs and
cats, you can see the interplay within the different shades of order
among them. Which THEY maintain. No need to do that externally. I
think the same is true of children. There's no need to maintain an
order among because they all have their own ideas which will probably
always conflict with one another's and change at least somewhat over
time. It's an issue that influences me and Brian and Karl too even
though Karl is an only child since we parents are both middle
children.. the ones picked most often to play the role of being in the
"wrong."

I have a male cat and a female cat who are about the same age. I think
the female is a bit older. I make sure to give them each lots of
attention and pet and talk with them together, apart and with the dog
too who, being a dachshund, is also their same size (they are a little
taller than Katie is ;). They get along very well, mainly I think
because I know cats like tons of space especially from each other and
the male cat cuddles with the dog with much less tension than hugging
on a female cat who doesn't want to be messed with.

Children have different preferences for closeness, space and things,
some to do with gender sometimes but mostly to do with how they
interact with others and think of themselves.

My three sisters and I are all very different in a number of ways. It
would be tempting to say there's no hierarchy but it would be more
accurate, I think, to say that we operate in our own spheres and have
different lives now.

Remember that while the children are young and before they go off on
their own. Things will change over time if parents avoid getting
involved in what the pecking order is.

In the meantime, parents can help each child before then and avoid
maintaining artificial ideas about the roles they play for however
long the kids think they have to (I've seen that many times over and I
don't think it's necessary). Allow each child the room to be who they
are as fully as possible. It might help, in a way, to think of each as
"only" children, sort of, since each child is unique with different
needs from others. Don't think of children as generic beings in need
of maintaining some fabled equality.

~Katherine