"Maturity" in unschooled teens
Sandra Dodd
What's below was on my blog a couple of days ago, but it occurred to
me this morning that it's something that might be interesting here.
If you'd rather read it there, it's the bottom half of this:
http://sandradodd.blogspot.com/2010/08/first-sign-of-fall-and-something-about.html
...[S]peaking of Holly, she's all grown up. Starting next week, she'll
be working full time staying with a young unschooled girl whose mom
died recently. Most nights, Holly goes to music performances, small
sites, local or touring groups. She's busy.
Yesterday as she left for two different meet-ups and music-doings, she
said she might not be back until mid-day the next day. Okay with us,
thanks, have fun...
This morning she was home in bed. Not only in bed, but...
[a photo]
kdk_2876-1-1.jpg
At the foot of her bed is the flat-screen TV she bought with her own
money this week. It all rolls together to remind me of questions
people ask about unschooled kids, about them being "more mature." I
think with a different kind of parenting, and in the absence of
school, something happens that transcends the idea of "maturity"
itself. Many of the behaviors associated with "maturity" and
"immaturity" and "acting like a teen" and all of that have to do with
the strictures and manipulation traditional in mainstream families and
school. "Act your age," or "You can do that when you're older," or
"That's for babies," or "Why are you hanging out with little kids?" or
"He's much too old for you." All that framework of judgmental noise
from parents and friends and neighbors serves to remove a person's
preferences and choices, in favor of doing just what will produce the
least clucking and finger-wagging from others (or worse than noise, in
the case of young boys).
Because we gave our children real opportunities to be responsible when
they were young, they're trustworthy young adults. Because we didn't
discourage childlike curiosity and play, Holly is willing to put her
little pop-up play tent on top of her new twin bed and crawl in there
to sleep on a night when she had the car and the possible intention of
staying out all night with party friends.
It's not maturity or immaturity. It's a confident life full of choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
me this morning that it's something that might be interesting here.
If you'd rather read it there, it's the bottom half of this:
http://sandradodd.blogspot.com/2010/08/first-sign-of-fall-and-something-about.html
...[S]peaking of Holly, she's all grown up. Starting next week, she'll
be working full time staying with a young unschooled girl whose mom
died recently. Most nights, Holly goes to music performances, small
sites, local or touring groups. She's busy.
Yesterday as she left for two different meet-ups and music-doings, she
said she might not be back until mid-day the next day. Okay with us,
thanks, have fun...
This morning she was home in bed. Not only in bed, but...
[a photo]
kdk_2876-1-1.jpg
At the foot of her bed is the flat-screen TV she bought with her own
money this week. It all rolls together to remind me of questions
people ask about unschooled kids, about them being "more mature." I
think with a different kind of parenting, and in the absence of
school, something happens that transcends the idea of "maturity"
itself. Many of the behaviors associated with "maturity" and
"immaturity" and "acting like a teen" and all of that have to do with
the strictures and manipulation traditional in mainstream families and
school. "Act your age," or "You can do that when you're older," or
"That's for babies," or "Why are you hanging out with little kids?" or
"He's much too old for you." All that framework of judgmental noise
from parents and friends and neighbors serves to remove a person's
preferences and choices, in favor of doing just what will produce the
least clucking and finger-wagging from others (or worse than noise, in
the case of young boys).
Because we gave our children real opportunities to be responsible when
they were young, they're trustworthy young adults. Because we didn't
discourage childlike curiosity and play, Holly is willing to put her
little pop-up play tent on top of her new twin bed and crawl in there
to sleep on a night when she had the car and the possible intention of
staying out all night with party friends.
It's not maturity or immaturity. It's a confident life full of choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thea
I love those pop-up tents (truth is, I've always secretly wanted one!) Having real opportunities to be responsible and trustworthy is part of it, but I think the maturity people pick up on isn't just from that. The unschooled teens I know seem to have had a chance to develop a sense of who they are as people, at a time when most teens (and many 'way older folks) haven't got a clue, and so drift with the social currents.
I see this in my 16 yo unschooled son, who helps younger kids learn Magic or D&D, earns money for things he wants, volunteers for community work, and helps me when I ask or when he sees it's needed -- but who is also not at all interested in driving, or dating, or other things which might be taken as milestones of maturity in our world. When people seem surprised that he's not dying to do the things other kids his age are doing, it doesn't phase him. He says he is very happy with his life and he realizes many other people aren't.
I see this in my 16 yo unschooled son, who helps younger kids learn Magic or D&D, earns money for things he wants, volunteers for community work, and helps me when I ask or when he sees it's needed -- but who is also not at all interested in driving, or dating, or other things which might be taken as milestones of maturity in our world. When people seem surprised that he's not dying to do the things other kids his age are doing, it doesn't phase him. He says he is very happy with his life and he realizes many other people aren't.
plaidpanties666
Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
That's a dynamic that's startling from the perspective of schooled teens - "just" snuggling and talking? No way! But yes, really, lots of snuggling and talking go on in ways that are both more "innocent" and playful, and also more "mature" in the sense of being thoughtful and responsible.
---Meredith
>> Because we gave our children real opportunities to be responsible whenAt the last ARGH (local unschooling campout) there was a night in the "teen hangout cabin" where a bunch of kids made a fort on the bed out of blankets and crawled in to snuggle and talk. Snuggling and talking are common teen activities at that campout and, I've heard, other events that draw groups of unschooling teens.
> they were young, they're trustworthy young adults. Because we didn't
> discourage childlike curiosity and play, Holly is willing to put her
> little pop-up play tent on top of her new twin bed and crawl in there
> to sleep on a night when she had the car and the possible intention of
> staying out all night with party friends.
That's a dynamic that's startling from the perspective of schooled teens - "just" snuggling and talking? No way! But yes, really, lots of snuggling and talking go on in ways that are both more "innocent" and playful, and also more "mature" in the sense of being thoughtful and responsible.
---Meredith